So I wrapped up going to real estate school and passed all the tests and thought
FINALLY I am gonna get back to work on my house. WRONG. I just started painting
Olivia's room(actually I started in summer and had to stop then too) and I get an e-mail from a tenant telling me she is breaking the lease
and bailing out 3 weeks before Christmas. Man I tell ya, I can't cut a break. I also
wound up being class mom for Olivia's class so I am coordinating a Halloween party
on top of things and I do not have any time to myself again. I called a gal who was very disappointed she missed renting this
apt. last spring and she and her husband loved the place and are jumping for joy. It was
rented lickity split again thank goodness but what a pain.
I'm just ticked as usual that honest people are so few and far between. I do let people out
of leases for legitimate reasons like job moves and such but this girl is just fickle and
doesn't know what she wants. I say adios to that. I've got no stomach for drama queens.
I realize that this blog has become too much personal griping and a lot of it not about
myeloma. I may be boring the socks off people reading this but to me it is great news
that I am not kvetching about MM. This is a good sign. Tim did just have labs drawn
on Monday. His doc's office is "standing room only" every time we go. We will find out
on 11/10 what the results are. I just spoke to a man on the myeloma listserv that went
to a 0 m-spike from a Velcade cocktail and stayed in remission for 5 years before needing
to address the situation again. I pray we get lucky like that. As always, I am nervous.
These appointments just stink. Again we were the youngest ones there by far and this
woman was just gawking at us and I could practically see the wheels spinning as she
tried to figure out which one of us "had it". It's pretty easy to guess. The patient is
the one with the pee jug in a plastic bag under his chair. I must say that life feels pretty
normal right now. I sometimes have to say the words to myself that Tim is in remission
because it may not be the same type of remission you can get with the more curable things
but I need to give it credit. It is a remission. So many people just can't believe how great he looks.
I'm glad for him. We just went to a very touching meeting of transplantees from HUMC where
they celebrated the people and the docs and such . A few docs spoke and then some patients.
One man was a doctor himself who'd had a transplant and started to weep during his speech. There was not a dry eye in the tent.
Unbelievably touching. Make no mistake, these transplants are miracles in many ways. And to
see this man come up and bear hug our transplant doctor was just so incredible. The doctor
had just been hanging his head at his seat because he was so overcome by the speech. This was a room(well tent in a parking lot) that was so full of love and hope and gratitude and a brotherhood(sisterhood) shared by all these people who had gone through this. Powerful stuff, I tell ya. So where
was I going with this? OH YEAH. So we see these nurses that Tim was treated by during
aphoresis and transplant and I go to the ladies room(turned out to be a porta-san, I decided
it could wait, you'd think this hospital could pull out a few stops but I guess not) anyway,
the minute I got outta site, Tim goes up to the cutest blond nurse and just had to reintroduce
himself now that he has his hair and moustache back. I walk in and she's kissing him and all.
I thought, that little sneak!!! Then I said, ya know, let him be. Who wouldn't want to show them
selves as they really look. Tim has great hair and hated losing it. I suppose I would have wanted
these gals to see me as I really am too. All the nurses at that hospital were just great too. They
were all so nice to him. The one good thing about him being young is he got a lot of attention from the nurses!! Especially on the days I ran home to do errands and see Olivia. At least I
know he was getting good care. They need to hire some ugly nurses though. Give a girl a break.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
It's all about functioning
In the last 19 months since Tim's diagnosis, I have been asked many times
"how are you doing this?" I've also had many other wives and moms say to
me, "I can't even imagine....." They usually don't even finish that sentence
because the enormity of all that has transpired really is so unimaginable to them.
For a time my answer to the first question was "what choice do I have"
or "caving in is not an option, my husband and kid need me." My pastor stopped
me one time when I said the first thing. He said " No Denise, you do have a choice
and I have seen those who made the other choices, you chose to do what you have
to do for your family." I appreciated that from him and I guess I should give myself
a little credit. The fact is, as anyone who has gotten a serious diagnosis or had someone
close to them get one or has had any really tragic thing happen to them will tell you,
a huge meat
cleaver comes down and immediately seperates your life into 2 sections. The before
the event, and the after. These 2 parts of your life are totally different as if that really
needs saying. It's a whole new world and you certainly do learn a lot when something like this has happened. You rely on what you know from past hard times and then you
dig pretty deep in the well for more strength and knowledge and patience. As with anyone's
life, in good times and bad, the graph is never a straight line, up or down. You have
good days and bad days. You thank God when the good ones are winning out and you
tie a knot in the end of your rope and hold on like heck when too many of the bad ones
string together. There are times when I don't know myself how I am doing this.
I have been with Tim since I was 20 and he was 21. We are very good friends besides
being husband and wife and I just love this man more than air. I am really ticked that
this has happened to him as well as our daughter and I have felt sadness and despair
that I can't even put into words in the last year and a half. But I cannot let him down nor
my daughter by giving in to this. They need me. It is not easy to put a smile on and try
to keep things normal everyday. I often do not feel happy or normal but if the mom goes
down, the rest of the family goes with her and I can't let that happen. I also owe it to my
husband. I did not think it possible to be as brave and strong as he has been and who am
I to bring him down. He has always been the glass half full side of this marriage whereas
I am more from the "WTF!!!!!, I don't even remember getting a glass" genre. I have had to
amend that attitude for all our sakes. The reason why I am strong is very simply because you find
that you just cannot function if you are not. There have been many times I have cried myself
a river but it gets harder and harder to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
Not that a good cry once in a while does not help but if it happens too much, you get too
far down in the dumps and it's so hard to accomplish anything and heaven knows I have a
heckuva lot that needs doing. I simply cannot function if I let that happen too often. So I
go from day to day just doing what I have to do. Being a caregiver is all about "giving more
when you feel like giving up"(stolen from a Martina McBride song.) I try to do my best.
The house is cluttered and we get take out a lot but I get the important things done and I
spend time with my guy and my kid. Doing for myself is still a real struggle but I'm working
on it. I don't understand why this has happened to us and probably am not meant to but
we are making the best of things. Tim feels and looks great. We are trying to live as "normally"
as we possibly can. I try to count my blessings and be glad that things are not worse. One never
has to look far to find folks in much worse jams, not that you want to see that but it makes you
put things in perspective. I'm looking forward to the holiday season. It's hard not to with a kid
and I'm sure she is the number one reason Tim and I have both stood up to this and carried on.
To steal another line from the same song(In My Daughter's Eyes). "She was sent to rescue me"
Having my daughter turned my life around and I think she did rescue me and I think she is
rescueing Tim too. What a blessing.
"how are you doing this?" I've also had many other wives and moms say to
me, "I can't even imagine....." They usually don't even finish that sentence
because the enormity of all that has transpired really is so unimaginable to them.
For a time my answer to the first question was "what choice do I have"
or "caving in is not an option, my husband and kid need me." My pastor stopped
me one time when I said the first thing. He said " No Denise, you do have a choice
and I have seen those who made the other choices, you chose to do what you have
to do for your family." I appreciated that from him and I guess I should give myself
a little credit. The fact is, as anyone who has gotten a serious diagnosis or had someone
close to them get one or has had any really tragic thing happen to them will tell you,
a huge meat
cleaver comes down and immediately seperates your life into 2 sections. The before
the event, and the after. These 2 parts of your life are totally different as if that really
needs saying. It's a whole new world and you certainly do learn a lot when something like this has happened. You rely on what you know from past hard times and then you
dig pretty deep in the well for more strength and knowledge and patience. As with anyone's
life, in good times and bad, the graph is never a straight line, up or down. You have
good days and bad days. You thank God when the good ones are winning out and you
tie a knot in the end of your rope and hold on like heck when too many of the bad ones
string together. There are times when I don't know myself how I am doing this.
I have been with Tim since I was 20 and he was 21. We are very good friends besides
being husband and wife and I just love this man more than air. I am really ticked that
this has happened to him as well as our daughter and I have felt sadness and despair
that I can't even put into words in the last year and a half. But I cannot let him down nor
my daughter by giving in to this. They need me. It is not easy to put a smile on and try
to keep things normal everyday. I often do not feel happy or normal but if the mom goes
down, the rest of the family goes with her and I can't let that happen. I also owe it to my
husband. I did not think it possible to be as brave and strong as he has been and who am
I to bring him down. He has always been the glass half full side of this marriage whereas
I am more from the "WTF!!!!!, I don't even remember getting a glass" genre. I have had to
amend that attitude for all our sakes. The reason why I am strong is very simply because you find
that you just cannot function if you are not. There have been many times I have cried myself
a river but it gets harder and harder to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
Not that a good cry once in a while does not help but if it happens too much, you get too
far down in the dumps and it's so hard to accomplish anything and heaven knows I have a
heckuva lot that needs doing. I simply cannot function if I let that happen too often. So I
go from day to day just doing what I have to do. Being a caregiver is all about "giving more
when you feel like giving up"(stolen from a Martina McBride song.) I try to do my best.
The house is cluttered and we get take out a lot but I get the important things done and I
spend time with my guy and my kid. Doing for myself is still a real struggle but I'm working
on it. I don't understand why this has happened to us and probably am not meant to but
we are making the best of things. Tim feels and looks great. We are trying to live as "normally"
as we possibly can. I try to count my blessings and be glad that things are not worse. One never
has to look far to find folks in much worse jams, not that you want to see that but it makes you
put things in perspective. I'm looking forward to the holiday season. It's hard not to with a kid
and I'm sure she is the number one reason Tim and I have both stood up to this and carried on.
To steal another line from the same song(In My Daughter's Eyes). "She was sent to rescue me"
Having my daughter turned my life around and I think she did rescue me and I think she is
rescueing Tim too. What a blessing.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The government owes me money......I sure hope they've got it
Well I have set a record for myself this year. I just e-filed my 2007 taxes today, the latest ever.
AND I found out they owe me lotsa money! We pay estimated taxes and still get creamed
every year as Tim's business has been getting bigger every year. We are very grateful for
this but man do we get slammed with taxes. So part of the reason we bought the rental
house is for write-offs and wow did that work out well. Turns out they have to send a
whole bunch of my money back to me. Now I'm just hoping our hopelessly broke government can come up with the coin. I have to say I have never been so disgusted with what is going
on in our country. Everyone is broke. The states, the federal government, the hospitals.
It's a darn mess out there. It infuriates me that our tax dollars just went to bailing out this
mess while a bunch of execs got rich giving out what to me is nothing less than predatory
loans. I think these fat cats should be sued by their stockholders and we should see them
lose their homes and all they amassed for themselves by doing this. I saw an e-mail go around
about giving the bailout money directly to the people in this country and it made sense to me
that this would be of more help than what they actually did. What a shame. My sister's neighbor
lost their home. They just moved into a rental with 3 kids and a dog. Our employee's neighbor
is in foreclosure too. It's a sad state of affairs in the good old US of A today. Very depressing.
I don't know how we will ever recover from this war and I think these financial problems will
last a long while. We need a shrewd businessman in the white house. I wish Mayor Bloomberg
were running or even better, Warren Buffett. Put 'em both in there together and they'll get
us outta this mess. Then we'll make Jimmy Buffett the head of foreign affairs. Get all them heads of state together, whip out the guitars, margaritas and reefer and everybody just chill!!!
Heck this idea can't be any worse than what the reality is. Well, here's to better days. As my
good friend who works in money management in NYC says, "Make sure you're keepin' lotsa dry powder!" That's CPA lingo for good old cash.
AND I found out they owe me lotsa money! We pay estimated taxes and still get creamed
every year as Tim's business has been getting bigger every year. We are very grateful for
this but man do we get slammed with taxes. So part of the reason we bought the rental
house is for write-offs and wow did that work out well. Turns out they have to send a
whole bunch of my money back to me. Now I'm just hoping our hopelessly broke government can come up with the coin. I have to say I have never been so disgusted with what is going
on in our country. Everyone is broke. The states, the federal government, the hospitals.
It's a darn mess out there. It infuriates me that our tax dollars just went to bailing out this
mess while a bunch of execs got rich giving out what to me is nothing less than predatory
loans. I think these fat cats should be sued by their stockholders and we should see them
lose their homes and all they amassed for themselves by doing this. I saw an e-mail go around
about giving the bailout money directly to the people in this country and it made sense to me
that this would be of more help than what they actually did. What a shame. My sister's neighbor
lost their home. They just moved into a rental with 3 kids and a dog. Our employee's neighbor
is in foreclosure too. It's a sad state of affairs in the good old US of A today. Very depressing.
I don't know how we will ever recover from this war and I think these financial problems will
last a long while. We need a shrewd businessman in the white house. I wish Mayor Bloomberg
were running or even better, Warren Buffett. Put 'em both in there together and they'll get
us outta this mess. Then we'll make Jimmy Buffett the head of foreign affairs. Get all them heads of state together, whip out the guitars, margaritas and reefer and everybody just chill!!!
Heck this idea can't be any worse than what the reality is. Well, here's to better days. As my
good friend who works in money management in NYC says, "Make sure you're keepin' lotsa dry powder!" That's CPA lingo for good old cash.
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