Answered prayers and false alarms

Well, it looks like I won't be trading in the old girls for anything "bigger and better."
A new doctor and a few more pix and it turns out the boobs are alright. When I called
to make the follow up to re-scan and ultrasound "lefty," they told me the next appt.
for that was Jan 2nd. I said, "you've gotta be kidding if you think I'm sitting on this
for that long." Welcome to NJ, the land of "too many freekin people." I called a few more
places and initially was squeezed in for Friday(no pun intended) and the lady called me right back and said,
"can you make it for noon today?" Of course I jumped at the chance to end this nightmare.
The doctor said that he didn't think my scans were any reason for concern in the first place.
Can you believe that? They re-scanned with the mammo but cancelled the sonagram and
said I definitely did not need and MRI. Someone was being a little too proactive due to a
sister's DCIS of a few years ago. Of course I'm happy but also a little ticked that we went through this at all.
I feel so bad that I took my family along for my mental breakdown but I am not real good
at keeping things to myself. I need to purge it outta me. I have spoken to several people on the myeloma listserv that have the situation
of the man having MM and the woman having breast cancer. One couple had both diagnosis
given on the same day. I knew that I could have just as easily been one of them. I am more
than a little irritated with my doctor and he has just been fired. He never called me even
after I left a message to do so and if he had ever bothered to pick up the phone, he probably
would have been able to give me a better idea of what the real deal was and save me a whole
lot of heartache and stress. Time to find a practice where I won't be just a number and they
don't give test results the way I received these. Back to the old "normal." I also got a call
back from the woman who said she wanted the apt. and she is taking it after all so several
good things going on to turn the tide of things around here. I am more than a little grateful
to have this turn out OK. I have had several times in my life when I had close calls like this
with very bad possible diagnosis and I was not sure if this was when I was not gonna dodge
it. Tomorrow's another day. Just soldiering on through here.

Some good news

We just got back from Tim's appt. and Zometa treatment. I walked in with a bad headache
and came out feeling great. He is still at zero and his numbers look better than ever. His
hemoglobin and white counts are just a hair below normal. This is the best his counts have
been especially since the hosp. snafu that had him shortchanged bigtime of stem cells during
his transplant. He had to eventually make his own and it took a long time for his blood counts
to recover. His labs look fan-freekin-tastic. I am so happy for him. The doc said that this means
a heckuva lot now that he is maintaining this. It is obviously his own immune system that is
keeping the lid on the MM as he has not had a chemo treatment since May 9th(Livvy's b-day)
obviously a blessed date for us! I am so happy he can go into the holiday season with this
great news. Last year was far different. Now I just gotta get through my appointments and
pray all goes well and hopefully things will simmer down a little. Man I wish my life could go
back to being boring. I didn't know how good I had it.

I don't know what to call this post

Well, I've said it before. My life is a roller coaster. I just found out last night from a recorded
message(more on that later) that a spot of "higher density" was found in my left breast on
my mammogram. I don't know what to say. I have to go for a sonagram and MRI now and
FEAR is overtaking me. I got on the phone and called my sisters, mom and mother-in-law.
This news was a toxin I just had to get out of me. How could this be happening to us? WHY?!
I actually skipped having a mammo last year as the new place I had to go to did not have the
digital machines up and running yet. Instead of calling back after the holidays, I put it off as
Tim had to go back on chemo and I had had a mammo just 1 or 2 years before and another
a few years before that in '02. I have been feeling some soreness in that breast as well as
some pelvic and low back pain so I had the sonagram to check all that out and scheduled the
mammogram on the same day. To say I just can't cut a break just doesn't even describe the
things that have happened to me in my life. I don't even have the energy to explain. Everyone
tells me "don't go there" when I say that it would be just my luck that it's cancer but how do
you not "go there"? God cannot be this cruel, can he? I have had nightmares ever since Tim
was diagnosed that I got diagnosed with some kind of cancer too so the fact that this is happening now is just my worst nightmare. I have had so much loss of sleep in the last 2 weeks.
I know I have sleep apnea and was going to go get tested and start taking better care of myself.
I have felt like hammered "you know what" the last few months. Waking up exhausted is not
helping me. I don't know who all reads this blog. As I have said in the past, I have only
told a very few people I know about it. It really is just my way of venting and I guess I am
feelng desperate enough that instead of not posting about this until I even know if there is a
problem, I am doing the opposite hoping that any prayers sent up on my family's behalf even by total strangers will help. To get back to how I found this out, my doctor's office has a new system
to inform people of test results. Get this. You get a laminated card with a box and pin number
on it. You get a recorded phone call when your test results are in. You call a toll free number
and enter your numbers to hear a recorded message from your doctor. I thought, well this means if he did not call me directly, it must be all OK cause a doctor can't possibly break bad
news to people like that right?! Wrong, even a doctor who knows you well and knows your
husband has cancer and delivered your 10 year old daughter apparently thinks this is a fine
method. AND the call came at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night when no one is working and I cannot
even ask him any questions concerning the results. How's that for the benefits of modern
technology?! Inexcusable is just one of the many words that come to mind. The other phrases
contain to many expletives to print. I am in shock. Tim just did an estimate 2 weeks ago for
people in a town just a few minutes from here where 3 kids are being raised by a nanny. Their
father died and 2 years later their mother died too. Where is the justice in that? This cannot
happen to my daughter. Please God, it just wouldn't be fair. I am in such
shock right now and so exhausted that I am stunned this post even makes sense. I have to
go show the apt. again today and I just don't care anymore. What a huge headache that place
has been. The new people that were supposed to rent it had the worst reference I ever got
and I had to tell them forget it. They are devastated and I was ticked. I am a magnet for liars.
The driveway contractor we used tried to screw us and I caught the whole deal and told him
to write up a new contract with the warranty he promised or I won't pay the balance. Now, he
is treatening to sue me and has added late fees to my bill. My blood pressure has been so high,
I was planning to go to the doc and will probably have to start meds which scares me so much.
If anybody reads this, I hope you'll send a little shout out to the "Big Guy" on our behalf. I
just don't know what else to say at this point.

Making history and myeloma good news

Well I have said that I was never that impressed with either of the presidential candidates
but I tend to vote democratic and I must say that I am hoping that the choice made will improve the racism problem in this country. I am pleased with the outcome
and even though I would vote Republican if I liked the candidate, I felt Palin was a huge error
made by the Republican party. I think most people shivered at the thought that she could wind
up being our commander in chief if something happened to McCain. SCARY stuff!! I actually felt
bad for McCain because I think he had a chance prior to her arrival on the scene. I think his hard work was all for nothing now. I am such an overempathizer. I feel sorry for everyone. Anyway,
I will say as far
as racism goes, Morgan Freeman said something in an interview that struck me and I always
think it of when the racism subject comes up. The interviewer was asking him a question about
him being the first black man to get an oscar or something like that(maybe he was not the first
but I think he was) and Mr. Freeman said very pointedly that racism is alive and well in this
country until people start referring to him as just "A MAN" and not a black man. It was one
heckuva point and the interviewer was a little taken aback if I remember correctly since he had just referred to him several times as a black man(OOPS). That simple
statement was a lightbulb moment and so true. Unfortunately racism is still rampant. I don't know if it will be otherwise in my lifetime but any improvement is better than none.
So onto myeloma news. I went to a Gilda's Club last night to hear Tim's doc give a speech. Dr.
Siegel actually treated Gilda Radner when he was at Sloan Kettering years ago.
I am so glad I made this meeting. I did not think I would learn too much but I did learn some things that put
me at ease. I wish I did not have to learn about this disease but I have to say I find it fascinating.
I was literally on the edge of my seat soaking up everything he said.
It is exciting to see the rapid progress being made and interesting to hear others' stories. It
gives me hope. Tim's doc is a great guy and smart as heck without having a huge ego. I have said
that he does shoot from the hip though and at times that is rough. The last talk he gave that I
attended had us all wishing we had swallowed a handful of Prozac before we arrived. He can
be a little pessimistic. But last night was different. It was plain to see that he feels all bets are
off when it comes to those old short life expectancies. He feels the staging systems have nothing
to do with outcome which I knew but for people who were diagnosed at stage III and obsessing,
they were obviously relieved. I left this speech feeling very hopeful as did a lot of other attendees. He admitted that there is so much that is not known about MM but we are making
progress bigtime. I think it must be exciting too for the doctors treating MM now that they can
really extend lives for long periods and in some cases cure folks. That's a good thing because excited doctors and researchers make big strides. Of course it helps alot too when drug companies see huge dollar signs, doesn't it. Whatever it takes, I say. As long as it keeps us
moving towards "manageable chronic disease" and eventually a cure.