The circle of life takes no holidays

I have put off blogging about Christmas. I thought this was too much of a bummer to post so close to the holiday. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day went fine. We had a good time with my family and although things happened with his family that were stressful and disappointing, things worked out OK. But tonight, we are going to a memorial service/wake for an old friend of Tim's who died 3 days before Christmas. It is just unfathomable to us that Joe is gone. What is just as hard to accept is that a healthy man with a wife, beautiful home, and 3 great boys, threw it all away and drank himself to death. Joe's father died of alcoholism when Joe was a highschool senior. I guess Joe, and his brother who almost died of liver failure IN HIS 30'S, never got over it and felt it was their own Irish destiny to do the same. Joe's wife, Kirsten, called us just minutes before my family arrived for Christmas Eve dinner. We had already heard the news but it seemed  like she needed to talk this out, so we did. His once close family has taken their pain out on her and they are not on good terms and she knew this was something we know about here, as well as dealing with illness and tragedy. She is going through this with NO family support, aside from her dad, which is all she really has of her own family. She did OK talking with me but when Tim got on the phone, just the sound of his voice made her hysterical(they've known each other since 6th grade). For the sake of her boys(the youngest is 11), she wanted to have a private service with immediate family only but Joe's siblings went nuts on her for that. She let them have their way but this will be brutal for them tonight. When Tim was first hospitalized and we found out they were testing him for cancer, I was much worse when there were people around me. To have everyone's grief in the same room and see the pain on all their faces was overwhelming and I had a harder time holding it together. That's how this will be tonight. I am sure noone will be holding it together. WAY too much grief coming in rogue waves of sheer agony. For Tim and I, there will be no way we cannot think about when/if this will be our family going through this so I can assure you this night will be burned into our memory like an unwelcome branding. It will be left unspoken but both of us will be thinking the same excruciating things. I think this process is brutal, especially when it is someone who died too young. I don't really think it helps the immediate family. I think it gives them painful memories of intense grief to add to the ones they already have. The only upshot I see is that it shows them how many people cared for their loved one. After having to watch their wonderful father/husband turn into someone they didn't know, they will see that Joe was loved and respected by a LOT of people and that we all knew the real Joe, not the broken, hopeless man he became in the last 2 years. I just think there are less painful ways to accomplish this.Today, my heart aches for Joe, his siblings and nieces, and especially his wife and sons who not only lost their husband and dad, but their whole family because they blamed Kirsten for handling things a certain way. She really had no choice. Her sons' lives were being ruined. But now they've also lost 3 sets of aunts and uncles and 3 cousins. This is the same thing I see happening in Tim's family. Folks are just too self-absorbed to see anything but how things affect themselves, not anyone else. They are incapable of putting anyone else first, not even a person who is fighting a terminal illness. It's all about them. I guess when you add high levels of stress and pain to a dysfunctional family, this is what you get. They blow apart instead of coming together. And instead of the family who is suffering the greatest loss/pain being helped and loved through it, their support system collapses underneath them. I'll say it again, it takes guts to hang in there with a friend or family member who is dealing with a tragedy. You find out who has the guts and who doesn't. Well, Tim and I have guts. We were on the phone with Kirsten again last night and we WILL be there for her and her boys, despite how hard this is under our own circumstances, because it's WHAT YOU DO when you are a true friend. You suck it up and help them when they need you. If hard knocks in life have any benefit at all, it's that you can sympathize with folks going through similar situations. R.I.P. Joseph Patrick Herlihy, Jr. You are
sorely missed and loved by many.

Counting down to Christmas

The big day is just a week away. Am I done shopping? Nope. Wrapping? Haven't even started. This week will be the usual mad rush of finishing the gift shopping and doing everything else involved with Christmas with the added chores of hosting Christmas Eve. Oh, how I wish I had the energy level of my
 4-year-old nephew. It'll get done. It always does. Tim has tried to take a few days off this coming week,
so I hope that happens. He tells me he will help but then usually winds up running out to the stores to rustle
up something for me to unwrap Christmas morning. We went to the city the other day and seeing the Christmas show is the best way to get in the holiday mood. We take Olivia out of school and do it during the week. If you don't, you wind up standing shoulder to shoulder just to get a fragmented look at the Rockefeller Center tree and I hate crowds. We walked the city streets to see the fancy holiday window displays. It's a tiring but fun day. On the out-law front, Tim's mother called and left a message. She sounds bad. I had heard that they were not doing well after this big brouhaha. Apparently, now that they have sent everything careening over the cliff, NOW they are sorry, and depressed. Too bad they had to take it to this level in the first place. His mother thought Tim's doctor appt was around now and asked us to let them know the results. Well, his doctor appt. was a month and a half ago. Guess she forgot......again. Tim called her and left a message telling
her he was still stable. As usual, I am feeling bad for everyone, but have to remind myself that they have not
lost any sleep over the things they have done to us over the years. We're going to do our best to put it aside
and enjoy Christmas. After Tim's bout with pneumonia last year which took him out of the picture for some of the festivities, and the horrible situation his sister-in-law caused the year before, I had hoped to have a wonderful holiday this year. Well, his family did a pretty good job of botching that up, again, but we will make do. At least we don't have to hear any of the nastiness that day. Too many Christmases ruined doing that. Wish my brain came with a delete button. Wouldn't it be wonderful to erase bad memories and
hurts folks have put on you? Well, I hope all y'all have a great holiday season. Here's to a 2012 jam-packed
with blessings for us all. Onward and upward!  :o)

Hangin' with the church ladies

This morning, I woke up and was a bit weepy thinking of things going wrong in our lives lately. I think our
run of bad luck should be over now. My car got hit by a "hit and run" driver the other day, as well as another
car parked right by it, and I just thought, "Oh what the heck else is gonna go wrong?" But I quickly put it into
perspective. I drive my own kid and 1 to 2 others home from school everyday so I'm glad it happened while
the car was parked and empty. I'm pretty sore though that not only did someone demolish the side of my car
and take off, but noone who saw it did a darn thing either. It's not easy living in Jersey. Lots of self-absorbed people here. Not many willing to go out of their way for anyone. BUT, this is why I hang out in church more. Today was the Christmas luncheon for my church lady group. I am the youngest woman there. The others are in their 60's and go up to 90's. They warm my heart, these women do. People from this generation are just different than my generation. They come from
a time when everyone knew everyone, and helped everyone. So, after a cruddy week, and a weepy morning, I spent the afternoon with some stellar folks who cheered me up considerably. One woman came
up to me and said, "Denise, we are so happy that you joined our group." I've gotten friendly with several of them
and am getting better at remembering all the names. Then, towards the end of the luncheon, they play a grab bag game with gifts that everyone brings in. They hand out playing cards and they call your card, you pick a gift from the table, or steal a gift someone already picked. It's pretty funny sometimes. The ladies must have liked how my package looked as they kept stealing it all around the circle.The women had trouble hearing the card that was called, trouble seeing their own cards, and sometimes trouble walking up to the table. I jumped up and did a little shuttling around to help some of them out. But they all giggled at their frailties. They didn't complain. They just joked and laughed. Then this one tiny lady went to get up and walk to the table. She was pretty unsteady so the woman next to her, also a tiny little thing, got up and grabbed her arm and the 2 of them walked slowly up to the table, arm in arm. I got misty. I said to Jean next to me, "how sweet is that?" She said, "very sweet, one can hardly see and the other can hardly walk." I had no idea that the one who jumped up to help has horrible vision problems. I left the luncheon to pick the kiddos up from school and I was tearing up on the way there. These ladies just get it. All the petty stuff of life is not important to them. I thought to myself that there is nothing more important to have in life than someone's back. Nor is there anything more important in life than to know that someone has your back. These ladies support each other. They pray for each other. They send cards or visit when one is not well. They keep tabs on everyone in the group. For me, they are anti-venom. When I'm out here getting the stuffing kicked out of me in this sometimes heartless world, I can go to church and be healed by these people. What a blessing. What they did for me today was priceless.

The top 5 regrets of the dying

I saw this article posted on Facebook. I'm copying it here because a few things really spoke to
me. For one thing, people regretted not being who they were and going after their dreams, and instead being what others expected them to be. A total waste of time, in my humble opinion. Another thing was the working too hard. When I had Olivia, I warned Tim that I was not going to have another child (pregnancy and me did not mix well). I told him this was going to go lightning fast and so he 
better take advantage of every opportunity to be there for Olivia's milestones. So, the year she started pre-school, he left his 16 1/2 year job to work for himself and the main reason he did this was so that he would never miss a school concert, sports event, or halloween, etc. When he was diagnosed with MM, one of the first things he said was that he was so grateful that he had been there for everything Olivia did. He did not know if he was going to lose his life very quickly or not, but he did know that his daughter would never doubt how important she was to him. He had ALWAYS given her the most important thing you can give a child,  your attention. The last thing that struck me in this article was a surprise. I thought that at least one of these 5 things was going to be regret over strained relationships, but no, people regretted suppressing their feelings in order to keep peace which led to them being bitter and resentful and having that affect their health. The author writes that speaking up leads to a healthier relationship or releasing an unhealthy relationship from your life, which she calls a win either way. I totally get that. 




By Bronnie Ware
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.
Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
This is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.
They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.