The circle of life takes no holidays

I have put off blogging about Christmas. I thought this was too much of a bummer to post so close to the holiday. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day went fine. We had a good time with my family and although things happened with his family that were stressful and disappointing, things worked out OK. But tonight, we are going to a memorial service/wake for an old friend of Tim's who died 3 days before Christmas. It is just unfathomable to us that Joe is gone. What is just as hard to accept is that a healthy man with a wife, beautiful home, and 3 great boys, threw it all away and drank himself to death. Joe's father died of alcoholism when Joe was a highschool senior. I guess Joe, and his brother who almost died of liver failure IN HIS 30'S, never got over it and felt it was their own Irish destiny to do the same. Joe's wife, Kirsten, called us just minutes before my family arrived for Christmas Eve dinner. We had already heard the news but it seemed  like she needed to talk this out, so we did. His once close family has taken their pain out on her and they are not on good terms and she knew this was something we know about here, as well as dealing with illness and tragedy. She is going through this with NO family support, aside from her dad, which is all she really has of her own family. She did OK talking with me but when Tim got on the phone, just the sound of his voice made her hysterical(they've known each other since 6th grade). For the sake of her boys(the youngest is 11), she wanted to have a private service with immediate family only but Joe's siblings went nuts on her for that. She let them have their way but this will be brutal for them tonight. When Tim was first hospitalized and we found out they were testing him for cancer, I was much worse when there were people around me. To have everyone's grief in the same room and see the pain on all their faces was overwhelming and I had a harder time holding it together. That's how this will be tonight. I am sure noone will be holding it together. WAY too much grief coming in rogue waves of sheer agony. For Tim and I, there will be no way we cannot think about when/if this will be our family going through this so I can assure you this night will be burned into our memory like an unwelcome branding. It will be left unspoken but both of us will be thinking the same excruciating things. I think this process is brutal, especially when it is someone who died too young. I don't really think it helps the immediate family. I think it gives them painful memories of intense grief to add to the ones they already have. The only upshot I see is that it shows them how many people cared for their loved one. After having to watch their wonderful father/husband turn into someone they didn't know, they will see that Joe was loved and respected by a LOT of people and that we all knew the real Joe, not the broken, hopeless man he became in the last 2 years. I just think there are less painful ways to accomplish this.Today, my heart aches for Joe, his siblings and nieces, and especially his wife and sons who not only lost their husband and dad, but their whole family because they blamed Kirsten for handling things a certain way. She really had no choice. Her sons' lives were being ruined. But now they've also lost 3 sets of aunts and uncles and 3 cousins. This is the same thing I see happening in Tim's family. Folks are just too self-absorbed to see anything but how things affect themselves, not anyone else. They are incapable of putting anyone else first, not even a person who is fighting a terminal illness. It's all about them. I guess when you add high levels of stress and pain to a dysfunctional family, this is what you get. They blow apart instead of coming together. And instead of the family who is suffering the greatest loss/pain being helped and loved through it, their support system collapses underneath them. I'll say it again, it takes guts to hang in there with a friend or family member who is dealing with a tragedy. You find out who has the guts and who doesn't. Well, Tim and I have guts. We were on the phone with Kirsten again last night and we WILL be there for her and her boys, despite how hard this is under our own circumstances, because it's WHAT YOU DO when you are a true friend. You suck it up and help them when they need you. If hard knocks in life have any benefit at all, it's that you can sympathize with folks going through similar situations. R.I.P. Joseph Patrick Herlihy, Jr. You are
sorely missed and loved by many.

Counting down to Christmas

The big day is just a week away. Am I done shopping? Nope. Wrapping? Haven't even started. This week will be the usual mad rush of finishing the gift shopping and doing everything else involved with Christmas with the added chores of hosting Christmas Eve. Oh, how I wish I had the energy level of my
 4-year-old nephew. It'll get done. It always does. Tim has tried to take a few days off this coming week,
so I hope that happens. He tells me he will help but then usually winds up running out to the stores to rustle
up something for me to unwrap Christmas morning. We went to the city the other day and seeing the Christmas show is the best way to get in the holiday mood. We take Olivia out of school and do it during the week. If you don't, you wind up standing shoulder to shoulder just to get a fragmented look at the Rockefeller Center tree and I hate crowds. We walked the city streets to see the fancy holiday window displays. It's a tiring but fun day. On the out-law front, Tim's mother called and left a message. She sounds bad. I had heard that they were not doing well after this big brouhaha. Apparently, now that they have sent everything careening over the cliff, NOW they are sorry, and depressed. Too bad they had to take it to this level in the first place. His mother thought Tim's doctor appt was around now and asked us to let them know the results. Well, his doctor appt. was a month and a half ago. Guess she forgot......again. Tim called her and left a message telling
her he was still stable. As usual, I am feeling bad for everyone, but have to remind myself that they have not
lost any sleep over the things they have done to us over the years. We're going to do our best to put it aside
and enjoy Christmas. After Tim's bout with pneumonia last year which took him out of the picture for some of the festivities, and the horrible situation his sister-in-law caused the year before, I had hoped to have a wonderful holiday this year. Well, his family did a pretty good job of botching that up, again, but we will make do. At least we don't have to hear any of the nastiness that day. Too many Christmases ruined doing that. Wish my brain came with a delete button. Wouldn't it be wonderful to erase bad memories and
hurts folks have put on you? Well, I hope all y'all have a great holiday season. Here's to a 2012 jam-packed
with blessings for us all. Onward and upward!  :o)

Hangin' with the church ladies

This morning, I woke up and was a bit weepy thinking of things going wrong in our lives lately. I think our
run of bad luck should be over now. My car got hit by a "hit and run" driver the other day, as well as another
car parked right by it, and I just thought, "Oh what the heck else is gonna go wrong?" But I quickly put it into
perspective. I drive my own kid and 1 to 2 others home from school everyday so I'm glad it happened while
the car was parked and empty. I'm pretty sore though that not only did someone demolish the side of my car
and take off, but noone who saw it did a darn thing either. It's not easy living in Jersey. Lots of self-absorbed people here. Not many willing to go out of their way for anyone. BUT, this is why I hang out in church more. Today was the Christmas luncheon for my church lady group. I am the youngest woman there. The others are in their 60's and go up to 90's. They warm my heart, these women do. People from this generation are just different than my generation. They come from
a time when everyone knew everyone, and helped everyone. So, after a cruddy week, and a weepy morning, I spent the afternoon with some stellar folks who cheered me up considerably. One woman came
up to me and said, "Denise, we are so happy that you joined our group." I've gotten friendly with several of them
and am getting better at remembering all the names. Then, towards the end of the luncheon, they play a grab bag game with gifts that everyone brings in. They hand out playing cards and they call your card, you pick a gift from the table, or steal a gift someone already picked. It's pretty funny sometimes. The ladies must have liked how my package looked as they kept stealing it all around the circle.The women had trouble hearing the card that was called, trouble seeing their own cards, and sometimes trouble walking up to the table. I jumped up and did a little shuttling around to help some of them out. But they all giggled at their frailties. They didn't complain. They just joked and laughed. Then this one tiny lady went to get up and walk to the table. She was pretty unsteady so the woman next to her, also a tiny little thing, got up and grabbed her arm and the 2 of them walked slowly up to the table, arm in arm. I got misty. I said to Jean next to me, "how sweet is that?" She said, "very sweet, one can hardly see and the other can hardly walk." I had no idea that the one who jumped up to help has horrible vision problems. I left the luncheon to pick the kiddos up from school and I was tearing up on the way there. These ladies just get it. All the petty stuff of life is not important to them. I thought to myself that there is nothing more important to have in life than someone's back. Nor is there anything more important in life than to know that someone has your back. These ladies support each other. They pray for each other. They send cards or visit when one is not well. They keep tabs on everyone in the group. For me, they are anti-venom. When I'm out here getting the stuffing kicked out of me in this sometimes heartless world, I can go to church and be healed by these people. What a blessing. What they did for me today was priceless.

The top 5 regrets of the dying

I saw this article posted on Facebook. I'm copying it here because a few things really spoke to
me. For one thing, people regretted not being who they were and going after their dreams, and instead being what others expected them to be. A total waste of time, in my humble opinion. Another thing was the working too hard. When I had Olivia, I warned Tim that I was not going to have another child (pregnancy and me did not mix well). I told him this was going to go lightning fast and so he 
better take advantage of every opportunity to be there for Olivia's milestones. So, the year she started pre-school, he left his 16 1/2 year job to work for himself and the main reason he did this was so that he would never miss a school concert, sports event, or halloween, etc. When he was diagnosed with MM, one of the first things he said was that he was so grateful that he had been there for everything Olivia did. He did not know if he was going to lose his life very quickly or not, but he did know that his daughter would never doubt how important she was to him. He had ALWAYS given her the most important thing you can give a child,  your attention. The last thing that struck me in this article was a surprise. I thought that at least one of these 5 things was going to be regret over strained relationships, but no, people regretted suppressing their feelings in order to keep peace which led to them being bitter and resentful and having that affect their health. The author writes that speaking up leads to a healthier relationship or releasing an unhealthy relationship from your life, which she calls a win either way. I totally get that. 




By Bronnie Ware
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.
Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
This is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.
They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Getting the whole family to Disney!!!

A few months ago, my youngest sister decided to take her 2 young kids to Disneyworld. My parents haven't been there since the last time we all went 30 years ago, so they asked if she minded if they came down too. She was thrilled. Then, my older sister, who travels quite a bit, said she'd like to pop down for part of the week, so she booked her flights. Tim, Olivia and I just went for the 2nd time in 2008. I was really done. We'd done it twice, when liv was almost 6, and just turning 10, and I'd rather spend my money going new places. Also, none of us 3 do thrill rides. Liv doesn't like them, and they don't agree with Tim and me anymore, equalibrium-wise. We really did everything we cared to do when we went in '08. BUT, once Tim heard that most of my family was going down, he said, "let's go." BUT I HATE GOING ON PLANES and I'm very sad about kenneling my dog for 8 or 9 days(we'll get home too late to pick her up, and probably have to drop her off the day before we leave.) :o(
I did not fly for 23 years after a very rough take-off going to California in 1985. I got on a plane in 2008 out
of sheer desperation. Tim's transplant had failed. His doctor was very pessimistic about what the future held
for him. I wanted, VERY BADLY, to get Olivia back to Disney at an age when she would remember more of it. He was on chemo and we were far too exhausted to drive it, as we did when Liv was 5. So, I did it. Didn't like it, but slapped a smile on my face so Olivia wouldn't know I was afraid. I wasn't as bad as I thought I'd be after 23 years on terra firma, but I am claustrophobic and do not like being trapped in tight places. Well, I figured we could not miss this opportunity and it is a really stinky drive.
Nothing to see and 21  hours in the car with pit stops. We did it in 2 days and were so tired, we're in no hurry to do it again. I booked the flights and a suite in the same resort. My older sister, Lori, stopped by the other night to ask me something. My other younger sister is divorced. Her kids, 20, and 22, are not on speaking terms with her. It was not a good scene. My sister is not even talking to my parents now and none of us hear from her much or at all. My older sister travels to California for business constantly. Last year, she treated my niece and nephew to a trip out to California. Aside from the fact that my niece hates flying more than me, and had a panic attack and cried on the plane coming home, they loved the trip. So, Lori asked me what I thought of trying to get them to Disney with us. My mom's memory is getting so bad. We really feel this is so important for our family and these kids have had a rough time of it these past few years. So, she said she could probably get their airfare on her frequent flyer points and would pay for their park passes. I said Tim and I would upgrade to a multi-bedroom & bathroom villa and cover their lodging so Lori called them and asked if they wanted to do it. They are over the moon. They only went once, when they were 4 and 6, so I'm sure they have no real memories of it. We're hoping they make it down for Christmas Eve so we can surprise my parents with this news with them here. It's so hard for my parents to be estranged from their daughter(totally my sister's fault) and they don't get to see these grandkids that much. This is turning into a really special event and we are all so excited. My parents are going to see Disney again with all their grandchildren. Very cool!

There's just no place like Disneyworld to be a kid again and forget your troubles.

Thanksgiving

In the early 1600's, American indians helped the pilgrims that immigrated to New England. They taught
them to live in their new land. They had been starving and dying out before this help. They fed them, showed them how to cultivate corn because their wheat wouldn't grow in the soil. They helped them build decent houses. Eventually, the white man ran them off their lands and killed them by the thousands.  Not much of a thank you, was it. 400 years later, we now help
a different kind of indian. We out-source millions of jobs to India so we can have record high unemployment
rates and tons of college educated kids who are computer wizards but cannot land jobs. I dunno, none of this makes any damn sense to me at all.

BUT Thanksgiving is a time when we remember when people looked out for each other, despite their
differences. They did what was the right thing to do. We humble ourselves and know that "no man is an island." We are all connected and we need other people to survive. We realize that even those of us who
are having hard times in our lives, can find something to be grateful for. Today, I am grateful for our family and that Tim is doing well.
Tim and Liv and I are so strong together. Tim's business is doing so well, he's turning down work. We just booked a trip to Disneyworld with almost everyone on my side of the family going. We're psyched. Some really good stuff is going on and the rough seas we've weathered lately has shown me, once again, how suited Tim and I are for each other. We have the same opinions and goals and that goes a long way toward making a marriage work. We just fit, us two. Like peas and carrots. Anyhoo, hope y'all have
a great holiday. Here's to picking out the positives and runnin' with 'em.

Moving on?................. well trying to anyway.

It's going to be a busy season around our house. We are hosting Thanksgiving. Then we have a party on the first Sat. of Dec. which coincides with our town holiday parade and tree lighting. And, now we will be doing Christmas Eve at our house instead of Christmas morning brunch. My parents have done CE for years but it is too much for my mom now even though we all cook and bring stuff. We will not be going to Tim's parents' house for Christmas day and will be going to my sister's instead. Though
we know Tim's family is going to crucify us over this, we are looking forward to a stress-free Christmas with no arguing or ugliness and there is something to be said for that after many years of the opposite. My therapist asked me why we were not relieved and celebrating being able to opt out of the holidays and vacations now. I said, "having your parents and siblings betray you is not an easy thing to swallow, especially when you have cancer and face your mortality every moment." I told Tim later about what she said and he said he did feel relief about that as soon as it all happened. I think we all knew this would blow up eventually and now it has. Though they will blame us for everything for bucking their system(what else is new), we won't blame ourselves for salvaging our holiday and vacation memories now.  It is still hard to deal with what happened. Wish I was doing a better job of spamming it but this is his family and he is so mad/hurt and that affects me. It is really disappointing to see people stoop to levels you thought were above them and say things that just can't be taken back. I don't know how we can look them in the eyes after that mess and cannot help but think they are subconsciously taking themselves out of our lives because they don't want to be around later if things get worse. Tim has been right on when it comes to knowing his family and what they would do. I gave too much credit to some and I guess didn't want to believe they were this bad. However, neither of us expected them to back out and not be there for him/us through the hardest time of our lives. When my therapist asked me why I was surprised after all these years of knowing what they were like, that's what I told her. I actually think that guilt over that has a lot to do with why they are lashing out in anger and had to take a cheap shot at my family during the fight. My family has been there for us, from the very beginning. His sister called and left a message for Tim on his cell phone. His brother-in-law called and I talked to him for about an hour. We respect him. He did not grow up with this lunacy so he sees it for what it is. And I was glad to be able to tell him the TRUTH of what happened as so many people in Tim's family are honesty-challenged and no matter how much you try to thicken your skin, noone likes to be lied about or held responsible for things they did not do or say. My therapist wondered if they're trying to come between me and Tim. Who knows what drives these people but they have no chance of that. For one thing, there is no ball and chain on Tim. If he thinks he would be happier with someone else, he's free to go and he knows that. Life is short. It's not that we are not committed to this marriage, we are, but we CHOOSE to be together and his happiness means more to me than my own and I don't want to hold him back from being the happiest he can be, especially living with cancer, as he does. I just tell him that he has to make sure he ditches me for someone who is filthy rich or at least has great health insurance!  The boy has gone a bit "high maintenance" doncha know. ;o) But, he doesn't seem to be going anywhere and in the last 4 1/2 years, he has certainly learned who "has his back" and has been there for him, hasn't he. Our marriage isn't perfect but it's pretty darn strong and we are definitely gonna make it.
When he was first diagnosed, I couldn't promise much about what the future held. Heck, I didn't even understand what we were dealing with at that point, but I told him flat out that he would never go through anything alone and I would be right next to him for everything. I don't break promises. So anyway, back to our "normal" life. Olivia just finished her soccer season(they took division championship) and football cheering. She will be very busy with her cheer/dance team practices and competitions from now until March. AND, we may be going to Disney World with my family at the end of January. I hate to fly but this is the first chance to be with them all  there since we went 30 years ago this past week. Mom's memory seems to be slipping even worse so we have to do these things now. As always, I am not finding the time to take better care of me or catch up around the house but hope to get on top of it all sometime this winter. I've learned to roll with things better. The tree through the rental could have been worse. Everything is relative. I
just keep my chin up as much as possible and face whatever comes. In some ways, being a caregiver shows you what you're made of. One can never imagine how you would cope with something. Looking back, I can't believe what we've been through and somehow, we're still standing. I look at us three now and think,
wow, we are pretty strong people. What a team. I've learned so much these last years. Some good lessons there but some really hard ones too. You see the worst of people but thank God, you see the best of folks too. It's one thing to learn things about others that you didn't know, but I think I've learned even more about myself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I just try to make sure the good outweighs the rest by as far a margin as I can manage.

It's such a self-righteous sounding quote but I still love it:

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

I guess it's a good thing it's Thanksgiving time. There will be a lot less turkeys hanging around.

Psychology 101

As many of you know, we have some real issues with Tim's family going on. I spoke to my therapist about the whole mess. As I explained Tim's father's behavior, the first question she asked me was, "Does he drink?" Um, yep, nailed that one. After I told her about the fight
and the things that have happened in the past, she asked me this. "If his parents fight in front of your child
and his father frequently insults you and there is all this ugliness going on, why do you continue to spend your holidays and vacations with them?" Now, this is a question I've asked my husband for years but I told her that we did not want to break up his family or keep our kid from her cousins and grandparents. I actually think I saw my therapist roll her eyes at that answer. I could hear what Sandy said in one of her comments about the whole "insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results," hanging in the air between us but the look on her face said it all. How foolish. Look where that got you now. She said,  "this is not good for your daughter to witness, you realize." "Yes, I know." The last thing I ever wanted was for her to witness a fight like this but like I always thought, and everyone who has now heard what happened and knows Tim's family, has now said, it was inevitable and not a matter of "if" but "when." I guess there
was a part of me that still hoped it would not come to that but anyone with the least amount of self-respect and concern for her daughter's self image, does not allow her father-in-law to call her "stupid", especially in front of her daughter. People who know me and him have actually laughed at that. I am not perfect in a lot of ways but I did relatively OK in the IQ department. I am not the highschool dropout with a chip on his shoulder. Stupidity was him thinking he was going to say that and get away with it. Stupidity is also going around insulting people and throwing temper tantrums and thinking it doesn't reflect on him and make people stay away, all because your wife put up with it for 55+ years. I have 2 sisters who were involved in abusive relationships when they were young. It's VERY hard to see that and be helpless to stop it(I tried). The thought that my daughter could accept that for herself someday because she heard her grandfather be verbally abusive to her grandmother and thinks it's normal(we explain all the time that it's not), or was at least good enough for 2 people she loves, is not Ok with me or Tim by a longshot. She almost witnessed him be physically abusive to her one Christmas a few years back.  Tim often says, "I had to listen to this cr** my entire life. I don't want my kid hearing it."
This thought came to me today. My therapist told me, a month or so ago, that some people knowingly or unknowingly start to distance themselves from someone who is very ill. Could that be what his family is doing?  I wonder. Tim is not the kind of person people don't want to be around. He drops everything for others and is always there for people. He gets along with everyone. Yet, his father continued to gun for me despite both of us telling him to quit it and Tim telling him a year and a half ago, that "this ends now!"
Tim warned him this past spring, when his father brought the whole brother and sister-in-law thing up at our kid's ball game, to stay out of it. These people knew we had had it with the constant fighting. So.....are we dealing with people who just cannot control their anger and are so disrespectful that they couldn't care less what we want or don't want in our lives? That is definitely part of it. But, are they also purposely taking themselves out of our lives
because of Tim's illness? I think his brother has the perfect excuse to back away and that doesn't surprise me
at all. He never stepped up in any way from the get-go. His wife caused this, he's backing her, he has his out. It takes guts to hang in there with people like us who are facing this. You find out who has the guts and who doesn't pretty quickly. But maybe that explains all this, or part of it. I know I would want to spend as much time as possible with my child/sibling and do as much as I possibly could to help. Most of them have done just the opposite. Are they getting the loss overwith now because they think it's coming? Are they  looking for someone to blame because their son has cancer so they're taking their pain out on me? They were always disrespectful like this though and his father always hated that I was smart and not intimidated by him. Ya know, it's ironic. They're glad that I am smart enough to be a good caregiver and advocate but don't be smart around them though. I can't even talk to anyone about anything that is above his father's intellectual watermark, without his father listening in and shooting an insult across the room at me. Nothing like wearing your insecurities right on your sleeve.
Well, I know this. Luckily, we have a lot of support from other people. For the first time in many years, we will be able to enjoy Christmas without having a knot in our stomachs. But the sad part is that we didn't want this and in 26 years, I have never seen my husband this mad, disappointed, and hurt and that REALLY STINKS! And the fact that it was caused by his own parents and siblings is unimaginable, but true. He did not deserve this. I hate that so many times, the good guys get the short end of the stick. (cleaning that up a bit) Gonna be a hard road trying to find the silver linings in this whole mess. But we are staying busy, and loving and supporting each other. Life goes on and we can take care of ourselves without them. Our kid tried out for the first time in a competition dance/cheer squad and made it yesterday. This is and will be her busiest year ever. We are dealing with a lot but we are a united front. We'll do what's right for Liv and us and folks will either get on board or not. That's their choice. We remain true to our values and those that know us well, know we did not cause this. Now it's off to the laundry and paperwork with me. Blessed tedium.

A freaky Halloween

Well, the kids are off school for the second day. A freak snowstorm on Saturday while the leaves were
still on the trees had/has many of us with no power and the kids trick or treated yesterday climbing over snow
mounds and tree limbs. They worked for their candy this year. The scariest thing is that Olivia had a dream
Friday night that a tree fell and crashed through our rental house. Well, I wish she could have dreamt that I
won the 200 million dollar power ball lottery, 'cause I would have much rather gotten that news Sat. evening
than the news I got, which was........................you guessed it, a tree fell and part of it came into the diningroom of our rental with our favorite tenant just 8 feet away in the kitchen. Perfect ending to a crazy week. OUr tenant is fine and the coolest woman ever. The tree is still there as it was a town/county tree from the nature preserve behind us that fell and the ins. company
hasn't come out yet, nor has the town department to remove it. It is stable and luckily only one branch came through the wall and sealed the hole as it did. Spookiest Halloween ever.

If only one thing could go right..............

I am sure grateful to God that it was this. After such a difficult week, which always makes us feel more nervous when one of Tim's appts. falls around such grim times, we got the wonderful news today that
Tim is still stable. We know when the doc comes in and talks wood flooring with him(he just bought a new
place in Manhattan) that there are no worries and I rummaged through the labwork to see that all is the same
as it was in July. I told Tim before we went in that as long as he was OK, I could let go of all the rest of the
crap we dealt with this week. This is our goal: to keep Tim well, to keep me from getting sick dealing with all
this stress, and to enjoy our days as much as possible while raising our daughter together. Anyone that gets in the way of that goal, and robs us of our happiness, is not on our team. We know that
we have been given a hard road to travel. We also know that we have been blessed and seen miracles happen despite that. We want
to keep on trucking with as much optimism and laughter as we possibly can. And that, my friends, will be my
focus, from this day forward. I'm going to learn to send all the garbage floating around us right to the spam file.

Fallout pending

Thanks for the comments folks. I have been unable to figure out how to go private with this blog and add folks to an "approved list". To be honest, the reason I don't want to is that there is myeloma stuff buried in the content of this blog(mostly older posts while Tim was in treatment) and I feel that if anyone could be helped by anything written here, going private would limit not only that but also the amount of people I could "meet" in blogland who walk the same path as us. Since I am as honest as the day is long, if someone in Tim's family saw things written here, well, it's all true and judging from the stuff they said to us on Sunday, they know nothing about our lives anymore and maybe they need a dose of reality. They were given every opportunity to be involved with us, they either screwed things up for us or backed out because they had more important things to do.With few exceptions, they make no time for Tim or our family, despite his health problem. They were warned that we were not going to continue to take the father's abuse on top of all that we are dealing with. He just kept pushing it. Rules of polite society don't apply to them. There's no place for reality or personal responsibility in their world. They screw up-they look for someone to blame it on. In my mind, you cannot even call yourself a grown-up until you are capable of taking responsibility for your actions and your words. Period.


I've sucked up as much as I could to keep the peace in this family. I hit my limit a long time ago. They do not even have a clue about half the things Tim and I have been through because I wanted to spare his parents the pain of knowing what I knew. Now, the added stress of the family fights is affecting my health and my quality of life too much, as well as those of my husband and daughter. Our sister-in-law has spent close to 30 years pitting the people in this family against each other and nobody sees this for exactly what it is except Tim and I and people outside this family looking in. Well, she got her wish. She succeeded in dividing and conquering and it is really amazing what one toxic person, even one who is not too smart, can cause in a family. There are people lying, twisting facts, backstabbing, tearing others down to try to make themselves feel better about their shortcomings, blaming others for their own behavior. Tim's parents don't even know what the truth is now. Because Tim and I refused to engage in this mess or cry to his parents and defend ourselves, they have half stories from people who twist the truth and now they have put 2 & 2 together and come up with 173. Now, they are all spouting their mouthes off with incorrect information and making judgements based on all this drivel. The sis-in-law ruined a precious day for our family almost 2 years ago and after years of her insults and watching her screw over everyone in this family, we said, "enough" and now we are being blamed for breaking up the family because apparently they don't think we have the right to decide when WE
have had enough. Well, it is our right and none of them are going through what we are. They are all
welcome to play this passive-aggressive game and put up with the insults and let their kids see grandma and grandpa fight even to the point of physical injury on Christmas day. Have at it y'all. Deal us out.
 
Tim's family is a train wreck being driven by the sis-in-law with the father-in-law pushing in the caboose. Well, it looks like Tim has decided us three will take the bus for now on. What a shame that it had to come to this.
 
 
I've probably written these phrases in this blog before but they're worth repeating.
 
"Denise, never argue with someone who is dead wrong. It's a complete waste of time"  my Dad
 
"Argue with an idiot, now you have two" my sister Cathy
 
"When people show you who they are, believe them."  Maya Angelou
 
That last one is a lesson I wish I had learned a long time ago.

It happened

Well, today, my father-in-law finally broke this camel's back.
We went up there to see family friends who were up from NC and with a few beers in him, he decided to
insult me AGAIN in front of people. As a matter of fact, he's done it in front of this man before. Both I and Timmy have warned him that we'd had enough of the insults and nastiness. I grabbed my purse, told him he really needed to learn to shut his mouth and stormed out. Thus began a family fight with
my kid crying in the car, and me going back and forth into the house trying to get Tim out of there as I had one of Liv's friends being dropped off at my house for a youth group outing I was taking them to. I knew this
was bound to happen sooner or later and get this. Somehow my father-in-law got it into his head that I told
off the neighbor for the firework incident back in July and now we're not on speaking terms. Hmmm. I never said a word to them. Tim did and it was all settled. As a matter of fact, the neighbor was just over my house
yesterday to ask if I wanted to buy a raffle ticket for the fire dept. We all get along just fine. My f-i-l tells me that I am stupid because
I was not on speaking terms with someone. It was said with a whole lot of venom and accusation, believe me.  I thought he was talking about the s-i-l thing. He claims no, that
he was talking about the neighbor. Either way, I said that was none of his business anyway. So it all blew up.
Tim told him he had totally wrong information and that what he just accused me of, NEVER happened. Tim's sister was there crying and yelling and apparently, despite what the s-i-l and f-i-l have done, and the fact that my f-i-l has lost most of their friends because they've all had it with his mouth, and everyone can't believe what the s-i-l did to us, Tim's sis said WE are breaking up
the family because we don't suck it up. She says the s-i-l has done things to her too but she deals with it for the sake of the family. I said, you are not living our life and what she did to us was totally different from your experiences. Tim said, "WHY DO WE HVE TO DEAL WITH HER CRAP AT ALL?" He told them, "I don't even know how long I have on this earth and I have to put up with that!!" What a mess. It's far too long to get all into but I always knew this was going to happen and
that my poor kid would wind up with a front row seat. They just don't get it. I told his dad, "your behavior
does not reflect on me. You think your insults make ME look bad, when I have 3 of your friends tell me that they can't believe how you speak to me?!" He tried to say he
was kidding but just like the s-i-l, he wasn't. You should have heard the tone in his voice. Passive aggression is still aggression, they just don't want to be held responsible for it when someone calls them out. Everyone knows he's not kidding. He's just miserable and makes everyone around him miserable too. He and the sis-in-law have the same problem and they think they can just go through life getting all this stuff off their chest but DON'T DARE say anything to them.  Anyway, I am thinking of taking this blog private. I hesitate to do this
because the people I know in the MM blogland mean the world to me and I do not want to lose touch with any of you. So PLEASE if I do take this private, put in a request or however it's done. I will set up access to
all those I can, if that's how it works, but I hope that I will not lose contact with any of you. As I've said in the past, I don't share my blog with our families. It's my place to vent without feeling the need to explain myself. But just in case any of them have stumbled upon it, I may need to go the private route. Ugh what a disaster. Some people never learn. And the biggest sin of all, is that my husband, and our family, has been let down by almost everyone in his family time and time again since his cancer diagnosis and you would think that it would be just the opposite and they would be there for him, and us.
I tell you, with all honesty, that it is a disappointment that I don't think we will ever recover from.
Just in time for the holidays. Yippee!

De-cluttering at its best

We've just done 2 days of yard selling. It went well. My older sister came and brought a truckload of
items and we made about $700.00. And if you saw how reasonable our prices were, then
you would know we moved a lot of clutter to get to that amount. For now, I packed what is left on my porch and after all the work
of getting it down from the attic and up from the basement, I may do 1 more day of this, weather permitting,
this coming Friday.  I got a real "leg up" on cleaning out that spare room and I am on my
way to making it a cozy office so MAYBE I can be better about my filing and paperwork instead of making
things so much harder on myself by not being organized. I've really been bad about letting things get away from me around here. I feel like I'm always overwhelmed with paperwork and such and I just dread some
of these tasks so much that I procrastinate. I did look up that flylady.com that Christina mentioned on my
last post and I am definitely going to start using that site to help me out. I really do need to do the baby steps method that she talks about since my free time is so fragmented and I seem so darn A.D.D.-ish these days.
I believe, without any doubt, that it is hard to relax and clear your head in a cluttered environment and I think
I'm ready to become a minimalist for this very reason. We really need so little but we surround ourselves with so darn much. Getting rid of things is much more my angle these days. Now if I could just get the 2 cr** collectors I live with to get on board. Oh and on a totally different subject, there is a man that owns
a stationary store in my town. Everytime I go in there, he looks like he just lost his best friend. I've never seen anyone radiate misery more than this man. So, I struck up a conversation with him after he got off the telephone in an irritated manner. After a few innocent conversation starters, I said, "you're not very happy, are you?" At this point, keeping in mind I live in Jersey, I thought this guy might tell me right off, but he said, "No, I'm not happy. The things customers do and say around here gets to me and I'm just not one to shake it off. I hate what I do but I'm stuck here." I said, "no, you're not, don't say that to yourself. You can find a whole new career if you want and as long as you have your health, nothing stands in your way. And besides, that's their issues. It's not your fault people are impatient and rude." He nodded and we taked about living in this area. Then,he told me about his mother's cancer. I told him about Tim's. Then he told me that a woman he met in Amsterdam and became great friends with, was attacked by a man who stabbed her 10 times. She lived but is paralyzed from the waste down. Then, there was this little girl dying of brain cancer in the next town. Her story had been in the papers. Turns out this was his good friend's daughter and the first baby he had ever held. His friend came into the store a few weeks ago to tell him she had died. This man's friends were all dealing with such tragedies and this guy too was in a bad place. He really had a lot to be sad about.
I told him that I know of similar cancer stories about kids and I don't know how you recover from that, as a parent, but I told this guy that he has to stop carrying all this around on his back. He has to be grateful for whatever is going good in his life, (his mom is fine now) and carry on. I told him that I don't know how but my husband goes to work each day with a smile and he has cancer. I'm not trying to minimize anyone's troubles but I do tell people, if you have your health, you have the world by the "you know whats." Everything else is fixable and changeable if you're miserable about it. Not easily maybe, but do-able. And SMILE for Pete sake!!! He told me he was going to Paris and I think he hoped this vacation would help him get his groove back. I know where this guy is. We live in a difficult area. If you've read my blog awhile, then
you know I get sick of living here, a lot. But, just when I've really had my fill, someone pops up and does something nice for me and restores my faith. I don't claim I did anything earth moving for this guy, but I hope
our talk had some effect, even if just showing him that even a stranger gives a hoot that he is sad. He thanked me and I wished him a good vacation. If you're living with cancer within your home, then you probably know the feeling of watching people kind of throw their lives away when they have SO much going
for them. I remember whining about my job years ago. Now, I wish that my biggest problem was a jerky boss. I didn't know what real problems were. I do now. And somehow, I smile and get on with it. It may not always be this way, but I'm trying to be a positive influence on those around me instead of bringing them down. It is just too exhausting and depressing to walk around thinking about everything that is
wrong all the time. I try to enjoy the things that are going good. And today was a good day, starting off with
watching Liv's soccer team win another game(they're undefeated). Liv has scored in every game and I just love watching kids' sports. My sisters and parents were here today and we laughed our fool heads off on the front porch on a gorgeous fall day. Small blip. Mom got bit by a bee but the good thing was that it had just landed on my dad's..............um.............."situation" and I warned him just in time so although it then flew over and bit mom when he shooed it away, at least I spared Dad a swollen, stinging situation on his "situation." Always these little silver linings. ;o)

Help I am drowning in a sea of STUFF

Well, it's that time again. Time for the yard sale. I have been wanting to turn my spare room into an office
for years and it simply must be done now. First, I have to clear out the cr**. I have a hard time doing this job. I keep stopping in frustration. There is just too much stuff crammed into our house. I start getting angry
at all the wasted money (things our daughter just HAD to have and then never wore or played with) as well
as my husband's inability to let go of things.( I can EBAY those Evel Knievel things and make some money) We've got antiques he bought saying he would refinish them and he never did . We have boxes of  old Car and Driver and 4-Wheeler magazines. There is just no way of organizing the sheer volume of things we have into this house. Yesterday, Tim snottily told me, "I don't want anything to do with this sale. You're on your own, I'm busy." I said, "well, aren't you a delight?" I guess it's a darn good thing for him that I don't ever say I can't be bothered doing anything for him, he's on his own. I set him straight but really feel like getting rid of all his junk clogging up our basement, attic, & spare room. You don't want to be involved, fine, I will decide what belongings of yours stay or go. How's that?!  He knows I would never do that but boy, sometimes my conscience really gets in the way of progress!  Being sentimental is one thing
but there comes a time that you have to let go. I wish sometimes that I could be like those people who throw
everything out. I just think it's so wasteful when someone can use it. I've got clothes of Olivia's that have tags on them still and toys she never played with. I think it's a waste putting clothes in the charity bins because
they never get picked up so they get ruined by mold and varmints and why throw perfectly good toys in the trash. In this economy, buying these things for a buck or two is a big help to some families. You literally cannot give the stuff away. I've tried. Organizations will not take toys because people unload trash on them instead of clean, usable toys and games. Day care places, family aid places, none of them take anything. What a shame. So it's back to work sorting and pricing for me. That's the easy part, it's the climbing up and down 2 flights of stairs with asthma that is getting me. Oh, to be young and fit again and have great
lung capacity. Wouldn't that be luverly?

Are we all mediums?

Today, I was excited to go to a lecture given by a "medium." Actually, he admitted he's an extra large.BA-DUM-BUM. True to form, Olivia woke up in the wee hours with what seemed to be the stomach bug. AARRRGGGHHHH! I missed a rare talk and Q & A by Tim's doc because of this same thing some time ago. That kid has timing. Anyway,
she felt fine ever since that 4 am spewing session and this library was only 2 miles from home. I asked if
she felt well enough for me to go and she said yes. With the phone on vibrate, and sneaking in a text or 2, I went and I am SOOOOO glad. The newspaper printed the wrong time so unfortunately, we had to wait a half hour to start for those who had the right time, but I struck up a conversation with the guy and that made the wait worthwhile. He is very nice. I have had a lot of things happen in my life that were a bit, how shall we say, psychic, weird, unexplained, spooky, crazy....take your pick.   But some of them are just too much to consider coincidence. As it turns out, this guy wrote several books about ghosts in Cape May and started the trolley ghost tours of that town. I've gone to Cape May since I was a young kid. I've toured or seen these old estates that he showed on his slides. I've seen his books in stores down in Cape May and bought one today that he signed. For those of you who are not familiar, Cape May is the oldest seashore resort in the USA. Most of the buildings there are from the 1700's. There was a huge fire that wiped out a lot of the ones on the main drag and so a lot of them are from the 1800's too, when that was rebuilt. It is located at the southeastern tip of NJ and a popular family getaway down "the shore." We love it there and go every year. We even re-did our house to look victorian due to our love of that era and Cape May. Turns out this guy is even friends with the woman who owned and painted our favorite place down there and inspired the colors we used on our house. Small world. It was really interesting listening to him today. His name is Craig McManus. He has a website of the same name.  It also made me think A LOT about the odd things that have happened to me in my life because they happen just as he described they happen to him. I know I am not a medium for sure, but I have had many weird experiences that lead me to believe I'm just slightly sensitive to things of this sort, or crazy. I have the typical things that a lot of people have, and he mentioned. You think of someone you haven't seen or heard from in a long time and the phone rings seconds later and it's them. Or you bump into them the night after you had a dream about them. I've had many dreams come true the next day or week. I've gotten into a habit of telling Tim things sometimes so that if/when it comes true, well, I don't know, it's kinda like documenting it to myself. Way back, when I was friendly with Tim's sister-in-law, she was pregnant with her third child. After 2 boys, she wanted a girl badly but did not find out ahead of time what she was having. Just before her due date, I had
a very vivid dream that she had a girl(not such a feat, it is a 50/50 shot) but I dreamed the baby had a head full of the brightest hue of auburn hair. I called Lee-Ann the next morning and told her about my dream. She just laughed. She and Tim's brother are blondes and both of their boys were born with blonde hair.She said,"I hope you're right about the girl part but there's no way we'd ever have a kid with auburn hair." Well, darned if that baby was not born a few days later with a mass of the exact, vibrant shade of auburn hair in my dream. There is NOBODY in their families who has auburn, or even red, hair. Meg eventually turned blonde but that was some crazy thing. Then there was the time I stayed at a friend's bed and breakfast in Mass. Our first trip there, we stayed on the 3rd floor. I kept telling Tim there was a ghost or something on that floor. One time, I was alone in the hall and got a strong whiff of perfume. Another day, I could not even bring myself to walk up the stairs to my room alone because I felt this presence was standing right at the top of the stairs looking down at me. I felt someone around me everytime I went up there. It was years later that our friends told us that they had several psychics/mediums stay there over the years and tell them they had a ghost on that floor and our friend's cat refused to go on that level of the inn the whole time they lived there.This guy today said that many times ghosts are on top floors as they tend to stay away from where the living people are all the time. Another crazy thing that happened was when Tim's grandmother died. She was going in for what we thought was going to be an hour long surgery. She was 94 so her age made it dangerous, though it was not supposed to be that risky. Tim and I were very close to her. She was scheduled to have surgery at 5 pm. Tim was getting home from work about 2 and we planned to go to the hospital then and wait with her. That morning, I had a vet appt. with Sophie and my sister was coming with me to help. Sophie hated the vet and was strong as an ox. I was running late and had a 10 am appt. Lori was here and it was past time to leave, but for some reason, I had this overwhelming feeling that I had to call Grandma. I felt like something was not letting me walk out the door until I did. I thought, "oh this is ridiculous, I'm late!" but I could not stop the feeling. So I grabbed the phone and called. I told her Tim and I would be there later to wait with her. The last thing I said to her was, "we love you." I hung up and ran off to the vet. Turns out, 10 or 15 minutes after I called, they took her to surgery. She did not survive it. I was the last person to speak to her alive. Later, when Tim got home, I had not heard anything. There were complications and the surgery took hours. I had this feeling she was about to pass over and we raced to the hospital. We got there just when a doctor came out to say her heart had taken on a bad rhythm and a few minutes later, the surgeon came out to say she was gone.
My heart went into such a tachycardia right then, I thought I would be next. What an awful day that was. Just a few months before Tim was dx'ed with MM, his sis-in-law went to a psychic.The person was right on about a bunch of things, even named a lot of her dead relatives, and then told her, "tell Tim that Lois says hello." Lois is Tim's grandmother. I didn't know this until after his grandmother died but Lois is Timothy's grandmother in the bible too.
When Tim's other grandmother died, she was staying in Oregon with Tim's aunt for 6 months. She stayed 6 months with Tim's mom and dad, and then went to her other daughter for half the year. One day, I felt sick quite suddenly. Then this overwhelming feeling of dread came over me. Then she popped into my mind. Tim came home from work and I told him that I thought something was wrong with Grandma. It turns out, at the  time this feeling came over me, including the time difference, she fell ill and they had to rush her to the hospital. She died shortly afterward from the illness that overtook her that day. I spoke to his aunt and she said that was the exact time it happened. Very strange. This guy today said that someone's passing can definitely make you more sensitive to this type of thing. He feels we have our loved ones around us all the time guiding us. I wish I could feel that more but he says that if you open yourself up to it, you can become more aware of it. Not surprisingly, there were mostly women there today. I said, "I'll bet that's common with your talks" and he said definitely and that men can be less open to things like this. I've met more women than men who get these gut feelings and little visions but then again, maybe men do just as much but are not prone to speak of it much. I met this guy once whose wife is pretty psychic and his standard answer to it is, "you're all witches!"  Just wish I had the guts to sport that bumper sticker that says, "my other ride is a broom." I saw this great idea for one on facebook the other day. It said, "Honk if you love Jesus, text while driving if you want to meet him."  Anyway, any of y'all have any psychic stories? Right now, I think I see a chocolate bar in my future. ;o)

The art of functional denial

A few years ago, a man whose son has neuroblastoma posted a question on the MM listserv I read, and
I have followed this man's blog about his son and family ever since. Now, while our situation seems like a
nightmare, I don't for a second think it comes close to the pain of having a child with an incurable cancer.
I remember, very vividly, the day Olivia was rushed to an emergency sonagram at 3 y.o. to rule out a mass  on her kidney when she started urinating blood. I BEGGED God to spare her and if one of us had to have cancer, make it me and not her.
I do find myself in a bit of a similar position as this man though, in that his child has defied the odds and had a very long stable period, as Tim has as well. We are both in a holding pattern and trying to live as normally as possible despite cancer looming in our lives. He blogged about his really tough past weekend. His dog is dying of cancer and another boy with NB has died. It's so hard not to think about
what lay ahead for his child and family when these reminders come punching through. I spoke to my therapist recently about Tim's attitude as well as my own and she used the phrase, "functional denial." She went on to say that we all know we're going to die someday, but
there is a part of us that doesn't truly believe it or think it will happen for SO long, that we're able to avoid thinking about it enough to go about our merry way.When you have cancer, and one that is not cured at a high rate, one way to deal with it is to use denial to get through the day. As a spouse, this is what I do and Tim relies on it heavily. You have to function so you try to forget what is happening.  I "put off" thinking about it.I cling mightily to the things that are positive and try to force the negatives from my thoughts. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect science. There are constant reminders of what is really going on in your life. Oct., being breast cancer awareness month, is a biggie. Seeing others with cancer do poorly, hits way too close to home. My therapist just tells me I "can't go there" when I start thinking of what our future might hold. It's impossible not to sometimes. I've thought a lot about why I do this. I guess the real reason is obvious, Fear. But I also think that you feel you are preparing yourself in some way. The problem with that is it's delusional. There is no way to prepare for what you don't know. There is no way to prepare for losing someone. And, as you go through these horrific scenerios in your head of what the end might be like, you are making yourself live through the grief and misery of something that is NOT happening now and indeed may not happen anywhere's close to what you are imagining. As one MM wife said once, "there will be plenty of time for weeping and wailing later."  There is a time for everything. We have to try not to grieve for a person who is alive. As a caregiver, I've got to do my best to live each moment with as much joy as I can possibly muster for as long as I can for Tim's sake, Olivia's and my own. I remind myself, "don't borrow grief from the future." Or to quote my sister again, "jump off that bridge when you get to it."
There's a Bon Jovi song that goes, "it's my life, it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just wanna live while I'm alive." And as far as dying goes, I won't pretend that I know what Tim thinks and feels in those dark moments. I've had plenty of bad health scares in my life but it's not nearly the same as what he is dealing with. There are a few things that give me a modicum of peace when I think about dying. I had an uncle who died of a massive heart attack as my aunt was pulling into a hospital parking lot with him. She ran in the ER door screaming for help and went to the car and did CPR until they were able to "paddle" him back to life. He made her promise NEVER to have him revived again no matter what. He said, "the dying was the easy part, it was the coming back that was so hard." Now please don't think I am making light of this in any way, but he is the only person I know personally who has died and come back and I will never forget that he said that.
Also, there was the time I saw a woman on Oprah who was dying of breast cancer. She was making videos for her daughter to watch as she got older and came to certain milestones in her life. She told her about boys,make-up and everything she wanted to tell her, on those tapes, before she died. She said that the best thing that had happened to her was that she had gone into cardiac arrest at one point in her journey and had been revived. She had seen the other side and now lived with absolutely no fear of dying. She knew she'd be OK and her kid and husband would be too. She was actually grateful it had happened because it totally changed how she was able to live the rest of her time here. She was at peace and not afraid. What a blessing to have no fear  . After Tim was diagnosed, I found myself reading up on things like this. I was reading anything I could get my hands on about dealing with tragedy and, yes, even dying. It didn't help much but I did read one book  that made an impact on me. "Embraced by the Light." It was a short book about a woman who had died, for quite a bit of time too, and come back to life. Her doctor, if I recall, even wrote something for this book because he had never witnessed someone be gone for that long and come back. It was a documented case and not just a momentary thing. She wrote about her experience and I found it pretty helpful to read. I wonder sometimes why God would allow people to be so fearful of death. I mean, really, it can be so overwhelming and really keep us from living fully at times. Maybe we're not supposed to be and it's just us, but it sure seems like it would have all been designed a bit better if we were not supposed to be afraid. The only answer I have ever come up with that makes even the slightest bit of sense to me is that if we were not, we would not value our life as much and see it for the gift that it is meant to be. If we all knew, without any doubt, how marvelous it was to be in Heaven, we'd probably off ourselves at the first sign of difficulty here on earth. The not knowing is where faith comes in. We're asked to believe without proof. It is my own personal belief though that there are some people who really are mediums. I'm not talking about those 1-800 number deals. I mean people who really do have this ability, some having been studied and tested. I think God put them here to remind us of what he promised. That dying is not the end. I'm actually going to a lecture on Friday that will be given by a medium. As always, I'm a bit skeptical, but we'll see if he seems legit. Anyhow, sorry for the serious subject matter. Reading this man's blog always makes me ask those "why" questions and then try harder to live for today. If he and his family can do it, I've got no excuse not to.

Animals in church and a multi blog hello.

First I want to say, in case any of these folks stop by, that I am having computer problems again and there are several blogs that I cannot leave comments on. Being the computer illiterate that I am, I don't have a clue
why this happens but want these messages to get through somehow. SEAN, I want you to know I am praying for you and will be sending lots of thoughts your way as you have your allo. I included yours and Paula's name, along with some others, as I often do, in our church prayers today and a church full of devout Lutherans prayed for you all today. Deb. I have been keeping up with your blog. I'm glad to hear your strength is coming back. Sorry
I haven't been able to comment with any words of support. There are a few others I'm having trouble with so if you haven't heard from me, it's this darned computer stuff again. I'm still following along.
Speaking of church, the little Episcopal church on the corner had their annual blessing of the animals service today. Usually, they just have this outdoors and bless the animals one by one after a brief little service. Today, they invited a bunch of animal rescue places and other vendors to set up tables and made it a whole afternoon "paws fest." We took Lacey and spent a bit of time there. Then they had the service INSIDE the church. I thought, "you're kidding, right?!" Nope, there were bulldogs sitting on pews and cats and even a huge tortoise named Soupy, who lives at our town pet store, came to get blessed.
There had to be close to 200 people there and dogs everywhere. A fight even broke out in the main aisle
as the pets formed 2 lines to be blessed by the pastors. One siberian husky started howling/singing when the
opening song was sung. It was CRAZY. But the best part is the woman who walked in with the duck. She
sat right down front and the pastor had a hard time keeping from laughing as you heard QUAAAACK, quack, quack, quack, QUAAAAACK, quack, quack while he did the service. SO damn funny. Between all the pups she met and the treats that were handed out, Lacey had a ball. I wish that I'd brought my video camera. It was surreal to see this church just packed with animals. I'm sure glad I was not on the clean-up crew.

It is what it is

I started going to a therapist a few months ago. I had a disastrous stab at this 3 years ago and figured I'd
find someone else and give it another go. She's nice. A transplanted Brit. My sister just asked me how it's going and I don't really know if it's helping me. I mean, after 4 1/2 years of being on the MM roller coaster, I've learned a thing or
two about what you have to do to be able to function while living in this bad dream. There's nothing this woman can say to me that changes my situation. Life is a constant struggle of trying
to live in the moment. Kids do this with flair. Adults, and more to the point, those of us prone to worry in the
first place, have a hard time of it. There are financial concerns that force you to think about the future.
MM did not hit us in our retirement with monthly incomes, paid off homes, and medicare on board.  PS tells me that of course
you have to deal with practical matters but any other time you find yourself thinking about the future, just tell yourself, "you can't go there." Well, I do, but there's an underlying level of depression that is always there when you live like this. I don't know how long I will continue to see her. Sure she
makes a suggestion here or there, but it's rarely anything I haven't thought of, I'm just more likely to do it because she may ask me if I did at the next appt. We lost a wonderful woman from our support group a few weeks ago. When you have constant reminders of what is really going on in your life, there's no running from the truth. I
had meant to start keeping in touch with her via e-mail between meetings but when I finally did, her son replied to tell me she had passed away. We lost a man too. Pretty darn sobering.
I still recall reading 2 or 3 years ago that some doctors/researchers think we'll have the cure for MM within 10 years. I don't know how you make a guess like that but if it's true that a cure is on the horizon, I sure hope they hurry. I know that allos can cure but not often enough. A certain MM spec. says he's curing
some folks of MM without an allo but I suppose we need time to see if that's true. In the meantime, it is painful and so sad to see people do poorly and lose their battle with this damned disease. I don't know what it is about falling asleep. Maybe you let your defenses down or something, but that is when I can suddenly wake with overwhelming emotions of fear and grief about what we're dealing with. I start to tear up and have to stop my thoughts immediately as it feels like I'll fall right down into a hole I can't get out of. Tim goes for his appts. this coming month. These 3 month intervals are a Godsend. Not that I forget about MM for even a day, but there was a time when we felt like all we did was truck back and forth to his oncologist and sit in that waiting room. We know what it's like to be in active treatment and have Tim fighting for his life. Now, we know what it's like to have a time of remission. It's like all the cliches, " the calm before the storm", "waiting for the other shoe to drop." No matter what, you are caught in a hyper alert stance, though I honestly think Tim does an incredible job of pushing MM from his mind. Wish I was as good at that. I am as relaxed as I think I can get under the circumstances. Many people tell me they're amazed at how I hold up. Well, falling apart completely( in private, when he was first dx'ed and for a long time afterward) was not much fun and it's not a place you can function well from. I wonder sometimes if we are passing up the opportunity to cure Tim. His sis is an HLA match. There are things that could happen to her medically that would make her unable to donate. We're not getting any younger. Since being tested 4 years ago, she has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and hypothyroidism.
Tim's doc says these don't matter but there are other things that do.Should we be doing this now while he is strong and has very minimal disease, and she is healthy? Probably, but it's hard to make that decision when things are going smoothly. Heck, it's hard to make that decision anytime. So, we plug along. Take each day as it comes. As always, being grateful for the positives and trying not to dwell on the negatives. Tim stays super busy at work which is a huge help to him mentally. I drag my feet doing things I don't want to do and
then get so behind, it's ridiculous. The time flies. Before we know it, it will be Christmas. We are 4 1/2  years into this journey and I know we are incredibly blessed that Tim defied the odds that his docs had given him. Just wish I could slow things down a bit, but speed up that cure thing, but like all things, it is what it is. We wait and we pray.

Autumn in Jersey

This is my  back to school life:
Driving my kid around so much, as well as the occasional friend(s), that I need to paint my mommy van
yellow with black checkers.
Doing gobs of paperwork that I CAN'T stand.
Tenants breaking a lease and re-renting an apartment that was contracted to be rented until February.(First showing and it was a done deal. A personal record of  24 hours.)
Meeting with the  president of the football league to try to do something about bullying problems with their players. I am co-founder of a parent based, anti-bullying group.
TONS of household chores that I do not want to do either.
Seeing another yard sale season go by with me not having the time to do one.
Seeing another warm season end when the chores to finish construction on our house were not fit in.
Various school functions and meetings
Soccer games and football games(this is pretty fun.)
Listening to how tired and stressed my husband is from having so much work.
Wondering when I will ever start exercising and get rid of this weight I've gained.
Stalling on scheduling doctor appts. I'm due for.
Switching clothes out for the cold weather and bumming over how many of them don't fit anymore.
Wishing for the zillionth time since Tim's diagnosis that we could spend our time doing what we WANT to do
instead of all the crap that we MUST.
Everyone says "live for today" and "seize the moment."
How in the world do you do that?

Starting off the school year

Well Olivia has made it through her first full week of this school year, or maybe WE have made it. Her first day of school, I woke with a horrible neck and headache that lasted all day and the next day, I woke up with severe vertigo and could not even walk, my head was spinning so bad. SPLENDID! Thank heavens for Bonine. Though she is only in the 8th grade,
she is now going to the high school. She spent the first few days getting lost in the building and sometimes
going to the wrong class(they use a 4 day rotating schedule that drops and picks up certain classes). She seems to like it, though the amount of homework has tripled and she is not pleased about that. She does both soccer and cheerleading in the fall season so she usually has a practice or game 6 days a week, making it hard to fit in all the homework. They won the 1st soccer game of the season today and Liv scored one of the goals. Then we drove to see our nephew's football game and they creamed their opponents. It's kinda fun, kinda hectic getting back into the whole grind of school. We have to leave the house a half hour earlier in the morning.
The last school she went to was not even a mile from our house. The highschool is 2.5 miles but the TRAFFIC is insane. The first day of school, it took us a half hour to get her to school and get home. CRAZY. Considering the towns around here are about 3 to 4 miles across but have populations
upwards of 10 thousand people each, you can imagine that's a lot of darn cars on the road. I am now driving a roundabout way to get to school but at least I avoid sitting in bumper to bumper traffic until the last block or so. Liv also got retainers this week to try to correct a few bite issues before she moves on to full braces. MAN I did not know how pricey braces were. I thought maybe I'd hop on that bandwagon and get my askew front tooth straightened a bit but 6 thousand dollars times 2, forget it. This guy is so busy, it's hard getting appointments with him. I told Olivia she should DEFINITELY become an orthodontist. KA-CHING.  I took the 5% off, pay all up front option and I think the dentist's wife is out buying coach pocketbooks and shoes today with Tim's hard earned money. So anyway, onto the fall. We live a pretty boring life so it's nice to get out and socialize at all these sports functions. Even Lacey has been loving it. I take
her to the new dog park where Liv's soccer games are, just down our street. She made some new dog friends. Today, she met Fred the beagle and I think Fred is "head over paws" in love with our little Lacey. He
was baying at her and finally Lacey broke down and talked to him. Everyone was laughing at this little beagle conversation. They stood there on point, looking at each other and he would bark, then she would answer. Very cute. After Liv's friend's soccer game was finished and I left to go help her with our chairs, Fred cried for Lacey and followed her all the way down the fence line. He layed down and watched her every move until we came back his way toward our car. He started barking at her
and followed her every move down the fence again. The whole time, Lacey was barely giving him a glance. Playing a little "hard to get", I guess. He was adorable. Same age as her but a bit smaller. I better watch him though. It appears he still has all his "original equipment" so no wonder he hasn't "lost that lovin' feeling."
Got a call from my older sis who is touring California with my parents, while at the dog park. She called from Tahoe. Color me jealous. Someday, I should force myself back on a plane and go there. Tim and Liv want to go and I wouldn't mind  a CA trip either if it weren't for the flying part. Oh well, time to make the donuts. Happy Fall!

Blue Grass and Jesus

http://www.vtcucc.org/churches/EastHardwick.html


While in VT on vacation, I happened to notice an ad in the local paper that said there would be a blue grass band performing at the Sunday service in this tiny little post-civil war Congregational Church just down the street from my in-laws' house(link above). I figured I had to check this out. Tim and Liv took a pass as did my in-laws.
I have to say, it was the sweetest little service I have ever been to and I was sorry they missed it. There were only 16 people there and that included the 3-piece band and one of their kids, the organist, and the Deacon, who ran the service because the Pastor was not there. The music was great. Everyone knew everyone, 'cept me of course, and gosh, it was really moving and warm and fuzzy and memorable. Just a toe-tapping good time. The band was 2 guys, who both played acoustic guitars and banjos, and the one guy's wife, who played a bass guitar. The guys did all the singing. At the conclusion of the service, the whole congregation, all 16 of us, got up and formed a circle, held hands and sang(or in my case, mouthed the words to)  "Til we meet again." DO YOU GET any more warm and fuzzy than that?! The Deacon started the service with this speech. I asked if he had a copy of it after the service and he gladly gave me his. I must say, it made us all laugh out loud and then it made me think. He said:

"If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
It you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender
preference, or politics,
THEN, you have ALMOST reached the same level of development
As your dog."

I thought this was hysterical. But then it also made me think of something. One is obviously expecting the last line to say something like, "you are blessed" or "living a Godly life" or something about Jesus. Instead it made me think that my dog is a MUCH better Christian than I am because I can't say that I can do ALL of those things, consistantly. So a lot of us folks who love pets and hope so much that the ones we have loved do go to Heaven so we can see them again,......well.......maybe the reality is that our pets are a shoo-in to get to Heaven and THEY may be worried if WE are going to "make the cut" so they can see us in the here-after. Just sayin'.  ;o)

Maybe I have to start taking cues from my puppy. :o)

Making our way back to Jersey

Well, we got power back home in Jersey. My sis called yesterday and I guess we've dodged the horrors
of being without it for over a week. We will set out today going all interstates to avoid some of the road
and bridge washouts that happened throughout VT. The problem with hitting detours in VT is that you sometimes have to drive miles on dirt roads to get around the problem and back on the "main" road again and it is time consuming. It's been a really nice vacation. There's always things we didn't get to do(I took my golf clubs for a ride again and never used them), no matter how long we're here, but all in all, it's been great. I love New Hampshire more and more every time I visit.
Lots of folks living there from Jersey and other states, so there's many reasons folks live there. Being stunningly beautiful is just one. It was nice to visit Hillary, who looks great this soon
after transplant. Still can't believe her hubby spent his early childhood living within a half mile of Tim, and just 3 miles from where we live in the next town. There is nothing much in Tim's home town. Crazy to meet up  with someone in NH who lived there. SUCH a small world.  Gotta get packed and drag Tim and Liv outta bed now. Hoping to be home by dinner time.

Flood

Well, I'm up here in VT while half my home state is under water. Tim woke up with what I guess was
a wicked migraine, got sick to his stomach ,and I gave him an Ativan. He feels MUCH better. That stuff is awesome. His dad was walking around in a rotten mood, knowing his power in NJ was out, therefore his basement is taking on water with no pump running. I was tempted to slip him an Ativan!!! Olivia's friends were posting photos on facebook and even though we don't generally get water in our house or our 2 family, I have NEVER seen floods like this in my life. I started
to worry about my rental. A little river is right behind it but we are elevated from it quite a bit. Luckily, my sis and bro-in-law checked both houses and we are dry and I am so thankful. My downstairs tenant is "stuck" in Hilton Head and we had to check her apt. because part if it is on the basement level. All is OK. The river has greatly overflown its banks and is raging like crazy just about 30 or so feet from the back of the house so my upstairs tenants have a heck of a view, but as long as it stays out there, we look to be getting through Irene
in good shape.  Feeling awful bad for those who aren't. My sis and bro-in-law went to check out my in-laws'
house down there, they have 2 feet of water in  the basement and everything is being ruined. My father-in-law is taking it pretty well, now. It's a helpless feeling being 350 miles away, so I'm surprised he's behaving this well, and has not even cracked a beer all day. Kudos to Tim for being the one always thinking about property pitch and all that stuff with the houses we have bought. It never occurred to me at the times but one sees now how darn important it is. On a "lighter note", well.....kinda......maybe not, Tim's sis and family just lost their cat after 18 years.
They buried it in the back yard.  Tim's sis had to jog across the yard to run down a flying umbrella(they are also flooded and bailing out their basement.)  Suddenly, her leg sunk way down in the mud as she was running and she realized she had accidentally stepped on the new grave and sunk in. Pushed poor Sassy even further down, it seems. Poor kitty. She had to reach down into the mud to retrieve her clog.
Anyway, here is our PICKLE:
We have no electric back home. Tim's cousin, in Oregon, was watching a news feed from the NYC metro area and our little 2 mile wide town was actually listed as the worst hit in the area. Nothing like getting honorable mention in the "up shits creek" category. I'm hearing rumors we won't have electric until next week. Do we go home tomorrow as planned, to no lights, A/C, fridge, hot water, TV, or computer(GASP), or do we stay here in VT with all these modern conveniences?
I have every intention of starting a diet when I get home, but hunting and gathering wasn't exactly what I
had in mind! If I could shower, this would be a no-brainer, 'cause we are here with THE OUT-LAWS,
doncha know, so the other conveniences, like eating, wouldn't be so missed, all things considered!!!

Now THIS is funny

If you ever met my sister's mother-in-law.....well...lets just say people cross the street to avoid running into her. I know, 'cause I've done it. She is just nuts, takes narcissism to a whole new level, and honestly, she will strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, start talking about her medical problems, and before long will be describing her bowel movements to them. Again... I know, 'cause....you get the picture. She almost destroyed my sister's marriage to her son because she could not let him go. She then thought she would raise their daughter too, when she was born. I guess it seemed natural to her since she treated her son like her husband. Mind you, her own daughter moved out of the house before she was even 18 and then left for Boston so she could stay away from her. Anyway, my sister at one point had to keep her out of her home for 6 months because the woman started a fight there right in front of her daughter. When she was allowed to visit again my sis and her husband told her that for now on, there would be boundaries that she would obey or she
would not be permitted to visit anymore. So, cut to a few weeks ago, she gets my 8 yr. old niece in her bedroom alone and procedes to tell her about her brother who was an alcoholic and committed suicide.
(sidebar here, her brother's widow then changed her phone number AS WELL as her daughter's cell # and told my sis' m-i-l they didn't want to hear from her again.) Then she started talking about how cigarettes cause cancer and kill you. My bro-in-law smokes and drinks beer so these really aren't things my niece needs to hear. Then she starting telling her about what happened in NYC about the kid that was grabbed and killed. When my sis found all this out after she left, she sent her an
e-mail and told her that this was inappropriate and the kid was freaked now. She needs to put it in writing and cc her husband or his mother will lie about what my sister said. I know Miss Paula may be bursting about now.  BTW, Cathy's(my sister) m-i-l lives in Georgia now. So anyhoo, the m-i-l wanted to do skype  with my niece now and my sis told her husband that is the only way they will talk now because this woman cannot be trusted on the phone to talk appropriately to an 8 yr. old. At least with skype, my sis can hear it all.
So my sis and her family just went to Lake George for a week. They take my b-i-l's father, who is divorced from his mom, YA THINK. His mom is remarried. They would never take his mom though. There's no way theywould let her ruin their vacation. So Chris(my b-i-l) has a brother who at mid 30's has his first girlfriend ever. She is a really pretty school teacher but Mike refuses to even tell his mother he has a girlfriend after seeing what she did to my sis' relationship with his brother. They've been dating since Dec. and his mom has NO idea. So Mike last minute decides to rent a cabin with the woman and go to Lake George with everyone else. The cabin was disgusting but they stuck it out. He asks my sis not to tell his mom about his girlfriend. She says,
"no worries there Mike but all bets are off with a 4 and 8 year old." He said, " I know, but just make sure you and Chris don't slip."  So cut to a skype conversation that just happened a few hours ago. My 8 yr. old niece, who thinks she's 30, told her grandma that she doesn't want her talking about anything violent to her anymore. Then Bobbie( the name grandma made up because she doesn't want to be called grandma) says,
"Ya know what Sierra? someday, me and Dino(her husband) would like to come to Lake George with you guys." (My sis almost chokes and is reaching for her blender and margarita mix at this point) Bobbie says,
"we wouldn't stay in the same house, we'd get our own place and just stay for 3 days or so." So with that Sierra says, "Well OK Bobbie but whatever you do, don't stay in the place Mike and Dana stayed in!" Cathy and Chris are like OH NO and they quietly get her attention and say "Sierra!" and start giving the slash across the throat sign to get her to stop saying this, to which Sierra says, "Uh Oh Bobbie, everyone is doing this to me now" as she shows Bobbie on skype the universal "cut" throat slashing motion. Bobbie is on her skype down in Georgia silent with her mouth hanging open. She's in complete shock and Cathy says to Chris, "MAY DAY, hurry up and call Mike with a heads up!"  Now I don't know if this reads funny. I can tell you that if you knew the characters in this little ditty, you'd know how doggone funny this is. My sis just told me on the phone and I am still chuckling. I tell ya, kids are a riot. My condolences go out to Mike tonight who is NEVER going to hear the end of this and is probably on the phone now getting the lecture of his life. When his girlfriend mentioned to Cathy once that Mike doesn't seem to want her to meet his mom(she hasn't a clue why), my sister told her she understood his reasoning and she'd ride that as far as she could if it were her.

Doncha just love rain? NOT usually

It's poring rain today and just downright dreary but I got an interesting call from Vermont that made me glad about it all. My sis and brother-in-law are at their vacation house up there this weekend. We are flooding here and my brother-in-law's Ferrari Testarossa is parked in his father's garage, which is in a flood zone. He called to ask if I could go
pick it up for him and bring it to my house until they get back from VT. HA! Sure thing!!! Actually, if you've
ever driven one of these, then you know they are a bit tricky. No power steering, the gears are not syncronized, it has a bar for a gas pedal, the tires are so wide that all the pedals are shifted to the right, and the darn thing does 60 mph in 1st gear and I have a helluva time finding a place to "open her up" around here
what with all our Jersey traffic! ;o) Then there's the problem of his father's driveway being a VERY short, but VERY steep hill. I drove nothing but clutch cars for 20 years but not all clutches are the same and
you CANNOT accidentally pop the clutch on something with this kind of horsepower or you'll find yourself in the next zip code in a heartbeat. I drove it once years ago, but will admit the idea of getting up that driveway without any chance to get used to the car had me in a bit of a sweat. But, I did fine and after a few blocks of getting re-aquainted, I thanked GOD it was a Sunday 'cause the lack of traffic gave me the opportunity to have some fun. The low, sexy roar of that engine is unbelievable.
So much fun to have that kind of power underneath you. Rich let my dad drive it once and they were going over 100 mph on the highway. I'm too chicken for that, which is probably why Rich asked me to drive it as he knows Tim is totally NOT. I better hide the keys because if Tim took this baby out, I'd be paying off the tickets  and insurance points for years. ;o) My driveway looks like that old game they played on Sesame Street, I think it was. There was a song that went, "one of these things is not like the other, one of these things just isn't the same."  You had to pick which object was different than the rest. I've got a work van that needs replacing, a mini-van that desperately needs a coat of wax, and replacing soon enough, Tim's pick-up truck and a flashy red Ferrari just like the one above. Maybe I'll put the mini-van back in pop's garage and see if Rich notices.

TWO WEEKS

It's been a long time since we took a vacation this long. We're leaving this Wed. for Vermont. Spending 5 days there and then 5 days in Meredith, NH by Lake Winnepesaukee. My in-laws are gonna keep the dog
 in VT with them while we go to NH. I'm a bit nervous about this and may have Liv write reminders to hang on certain doors so they remember to close them so Lacey doesn't make a break for it. They love the dog but, of course, are not used to having her underfoot. We will spend the last leg of the vacation back with them. Olivia has orientation
for her new school (the high school!!!!!!) the day after we get home. She is already starting cheerleading practice this Monday so the summer, unbelievably, is already in "wrap-up" phase. As always, it is going
by crazy fast. I went for my massage and facial the other day on my birthday. Man do I love a massage.
I actually know people who feel sick after them. My sis-in-law got sick to her stomach after one, once.
They say it can release toxins in your body. I must me less toxic, 'cause they can rub me all day, I feel terrific afterwards.  I wish I could bring myself to spend the cash to have them more often. They really do help with my neck(old whiplash injury) and stress level. I may FORCE myself to start going once a month. I still find it so hard not to worry about finances because of our "situation." There's just no way of knowing how long Tim will be able to work and if we'll be able to afford to live in this expensive area with less income.
I certainly don't see us moving either so somehow, we've got to make it work when that time comes. Oh well, as my sister always says, "jump off that bridge when you get to it." ;o) So off to do a little more school shopping with Olivia. Am I the only woman who HATES shopping? UGH! Most days, I'd rather stick needles in my eyes. And shopping with a 13 year old...double UGH!!!