Robin Williams

It is a very sad week. The suicide of Robin Williams seems to be hitting everyone so hard. My sister, Cathy, called yesterday. As soon as I mentioned his name, she burst into tears and said, "I can't even talk about it." I am always saying that you cannot imagine life in someone else's position. Unless you are in the identical situation, and no one ever really is, you just cannot wrap your brain around someone else's demons and the "cross they bear." I have been feeling down myself dealing with the harshness of the world and the behavior of people. I find myself feeling so hopeless, and helpless. This news out of Gaza is just awful. The bad thing about Facebook is that it keeps me so informed of everything miserable going on in the world. Cruelty to animals, war, indifference, death. I have had to block posts from certain people, as the photos of tortured animals was wounding me so badly. I just see very little evidence of compassion and empathy in this world. The bad seems to be winning out against the good. I am so disillusioned with people. I would think that I would be so jaded by now, after the life I've lived, being screwed over by so many people. But, I still find myself thinking everyone is so nice, only to find out later it was all an act. I just recently had a family member, on MY SIDE this time, do something really horrible to us. It was done during something that was SO important to us, Olivia's sweet 16 camping trip. I am stunned and just SO done with it all. It seems like, despite the nightmare we are living with Tim's MM, people cannot seem to stand anything even remotely good happening to us, they have to destroy it. This was a temper tantrum thrown by a 52-year-old who wasn't getting her way about something so menial, while Tim and I were dealing with our daughter being sick on the 2nd night of her adventure. It was incredibly selfish. There is this Maya Angelou quote that says, "people show you who they are, believe them." I have quoted it on this blog before. I have had to get better at that, as one of the biggest faults I've had is giving people TOO many chances and benefits of the doubt, which only led to me getting hurt repeatedly by the same people. I have always known this person's selfish nature, but, the levels people stoop to, the lack of empathy I witness, it still stuns me. I am angry and not ready to make nice with this person. The truth is, there are no "do-overs" in life and when someone ruins a once-in-a-lifetime event for your family, it's VERY hard to find forgiveness. When it happens repeatedly, and you are trying so hard to make fond memories for your family, knowing that someday, that is all you will have left, well, I don't know how you get past that. I have probably said this before too. I went to a therapist for a short while in 2012. She told me that people will take themselves out of your life to avoid dealing with the pain of what you're going through. They will start fights with you even and then try to blame you for the rift to relieve themselves of the guilt of backing out on you. This seems to be the pattern with certain people in our family and it's SUCH a disappointment. I can honestly say, I have never deserted a friend or family member in their time of need. NEVER. But I am starting to get better at recognizing users and rationing my empathy accordingly. I realized something, while thinking about Robin Williams this week. It's the people with the biggest hearts that suffer the most. They get used the most, hurt the most, feel the most disillusioned, and suffer the pain of everyone around them due to their over-empathetic nature.
I don't know Robin Williams, but, from things I have read, seen, etc., I have to wonder if this is not part of what brought him to that desperate place of just throwing in the towel and saying, "I can't do this anymore." I suspect his humor was in some ways a mask for the pain he was going through. He seemed to be a person who based his happiness on making others happy, but didn't know how to achieve that for himself. Perhaps he gave too much of himself and felt used up and empty inside. Maybe he created this persona for himself and then felt all alone as it was not the real him and he was hiding who he really was, which is exhausting. It's all speculation, but, it all makes me think about a scene in "The Green Mile" where Michael Clark Duncan is telling Tom Hanks that he's tired of people being so awful to each other in this world, that it's like pieces of glass cutting into him, and he wants to be done with it. I stopped watching TV much a few years ago. The news is depressing, reality shows are ridiculous, the shows they are putting on now look more and more like pornography to me, (dating naked, naked and afraid). I just don't want to spend my life minutes watching this trash. Then, on Monday night, I was sitting with Tim while he watched the Fox News channel and the anchor was talking about Robin Williams. It was one more reminder of why I don't watch TV, This idiot, Shepard Smith, had the nerve to say that Robin Williams was a coward for doing what he did. I was so offended, I got off the sofa and left the room. And, he said it under the pretense of thinking about what it would do to his kids. Did he think about what his nasty comment would do to his kids?! This is the problem with this world, everyone is so quick to judge someone they don't even know, have NOTHING in common with, and this jerk says something so vicious, something his kids and loved ones have certainly heard by now, just as they are reeling at the news of this poor man's tragic death. Nothing like adding insult to injury. The lack of tact, empathy, decency, just astounds me. This man has no business being a news anchor, when he can't even show an ounce of respect or compassion for others, or have an iota of common sense to know that you just don't say things like that. If there is any justice at all in this world, (something that also seems in VERY short supply) this jerk will be relieved of his job. But, that's the problem, people get away with things. People are getting more and more desensitized to the feelings of others. One woman defended this news anchor on FB saying everyone has a right to their opinion. Yes, that's true, and something I certainly believe, and that to have a right to your own opinion, you must respect others' rights to theirs. EXCEPT, it is my feeling that I do not have to respect someone's opinion when it causes harm to another living thing. I do not have to respect someone's right to fight dogs, or do hateful things to people or animals. This world is on a dangerous path, one where compassion and humanity are getting harder and harder to find. It is sincerely depressing, and I wonder if Robin Williams saw SO much of that in his 63 years, he just couldn't take it anymore.

49 tomorrow

How the heck did this happen? I cannot believe my age. The years have flown by in a blur. My kid is driving me around now, my husband is 50. It's just surreal to me. In two years, Liv will graduate high school. As fast as these school years blow by, I know it will be here in no time. It's also weird how you think about this with MM in the picture. Most people curse the racing years and want time to slow down. I am wishing the time away sometimes, because I want our daughter to get through her school years without something happening to Tim. In Nov. of 2007, we went for a 2nd opinion from an MM specialist in NYC who now works at our practice here in NJ. He told us that Tim would not see Liv graduate high school unless he had an allo transplant. Scary, depressing words. A month earlier, Tim's doc had told him that his stem cell transplant failure was a very bad sign and he did not expect him to live long. Again, just devastating. Here are 2 internationally known MM specialists, who've been treating MM since the 80's, and they thought Tim was not going to live past 3 years, maybe 5 on the outside. It just goes to show you that doctors should not put expiration dates on people, no matter what they've seen. It was VERY difficult dealing with that news. There is a mourning that you go through. Sometimes I am resentful of what that did to us and here we are 7 and 1/2 years into this journey. I vividly remember a day at our support group when Tim's doc was our guest and a woman, sitting next to her husband, said with an accusatory tone in her voice, "you told him he had 3 years to live and it's been 9 years and he's still doing well." The doc looked at her, shrugged a bit, and said, "back then, that's what we knew." I read about these folks on the MM facebook sites whose docs are giving them these talks and stats and I want to scream sometimes. I'm sure they are right sometimes, but, the grief this causes, and for those who did not see that happen, I ask, "FOR WHAT?" Quite frankly, we never asked any doctor how long Tim had. They offered that information. UGH! So, while 2 years is still a long time away, and I am not going to bet with my husband's life, I am hopeful. Unfortunately, we had no way of knowing that Tim would do as well as he did and live this long. We had much to be worried about and these docs were telling us he would not do well. We lived our lives in month-long intervals, feeling desperate and overwhelmed. Sometimes, not even that, as you have appointments for blood draws, chemo treatments, and check-ups. But, we sweated out those results on a monthly basis and then it was 2 months and then 3. You pray and worry and then breathe just a bit easier for a little while, but it's never gone. You know that you are just a few numbers on a piece of paper away from being back in the fight for his life. But, we try to be grateful. You feel guilty if you aren't, as we know so many who have not done as well and it is so damn heartbreaking. Some days, it's hard for a realist/pessimist like me to figure this life out. I can't even watch TV anymore and am wounded almost daily by pics of animal cruelty and HUMAN cruelty. It feels like there is no compassion and empathy left in the world and all these great, smart, funny, loving people I have met with MM. Why? I just don't get it. I am one of those people who has a profound need for justice and fairness. There is so little evidence of either around me. You see all these great people get such a raw deal, while these jerks seem to get all the breaks. When people say things to me about not wanting to tell my age, I always tell my age. I tell them that there were times in my life that I did not think I'd make it and I am grateful for all of these years. Lots of them were extremely hard. I do not look back on a life filled with joy and happy times, but, there were some, and I know that as hard as my life has been, there are still others that would trade with me. I've probably said this before, but, some days, it feels like the only thing you have to be grateful for is that the elastic isn't shot in your underwear. And you really do have to start that low and build from there when you're living with the cancer cloud over your head. You learn to be grateful for the most basic things; the fact that you can walk, see, and have the freedom to do the simple things that some others actually aren't able to do. So, as I get older, that's basically how it goes. I have to try a bit harder to find those positives and blessings, OK a LOT harder. But, they're there. So, as I celebrate 49 tomorrow, I will try to count my blessings. Wishing many blessings on y'all too.