It is what it is

I started going to a therapist a few months ago. I had a disastrous stab at this 3 years ago and figured I'd
find someone else and give it another go. She's nice. A transplanted Brit. My sister just asked me how it's going and I don't really know if it's helping me. I mean, after 4 1/2 years of being on the MM roller coaster, I've learned a thing or
two about what you have to do to be able to function while living in this bad dream. There's nothing this woman can say to me that changes my situation. Life is a constant struggle of trying
to live in the moment. Kids do this with flair. Adults, and more to the point, those of us prone to worry in the
first place, have a hard time of it. There are financial concerns that force you to think about the future.
MM did not hit us in our retirement with monthly incomes, paid off homes, and medicare on board.  PS tells me that of course
you have to deal with practical matters but any other time you find yourself thinking about the future, just tell yourself, "you can't go there." Well, I do, but there's an underlying level of depression that is always there when you live like this. I don't know how long I will continue to see her. Sure she
makes a suggestion here or there, but it's rarely anything I haven't thought of, I'm just more likely to do it because she may ask me if I did at the next appt. We lost a wonderful woman from our support group a few weeks ago. When you have constant reminders of what is really going on in your life, there's no running from the truth. I
had meant to start keeping in touch with her via e-mail between meetings but when I finally did, her son replied to tell me she had passed away. We lost a man too. Pretty darn sobering.
I still recall reading 2 or 3 years ago that some doctors/researchers think we'll have the cure for MM within 10 years. I don't know how you make a guess like that but if it's true that a cure is on the horizon, I sure hope they hurry. I know that allos can cure but not often enough. A certain MM spec. says he's curing
some folks of MM without an allo but I suppose we need time to see if that's true. In the meantime, it is painful and so sad to see people do poorly and lose their battle with this damned disease. I don't know what it is about falling asleep. Maybe you let your defenses down or something, but that is when I can suddenly wake with overwhelming emotions of fear and grief about what we're dealing with. I start to tear up and have to stop my thoughts immediately as it feels like I'll fall right down into a hole I can't get out of. Tim goes for his appts. this coming month. These 3 month intervals are a Godsend. Not that I forget about MM for even a day, but there was a time when we felt like all we did was truck back and forth to his oncologist and sit in that waiting room. We know what it's like to be in active treatment and have Tim fighting for his life. Now, we know what it's like to have a time of remission. It's like all the cliches, " the calm before the storm", "waiting for the other shoe to drop." No matter what, you are caught in a hyper alert stance, though I honestly think Tim does an incredible job of pushing MM from his mind. Wish I was as good at that. I am as relaxed as I think I can get under the circumstances. Many people tell me they're amazed at how I hold up. Well, falling apart completely( in private, when he was first dx'ed and for a long time afterward) was not much fun and it's not a place you can function well from. I wonder sometimes if we are passing up the opportunity to cure Tim. His sis is an HLA match. There are things that could happen to her medically that would make her unable to donate. We're not getting any younger. Since being tested 4 years ago, she has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and hypothyroidism.
Tim's doc says these don't matter but there are other things that do.Should we be doing this now while he is strong and has very minimal disease, and she is healthy? Probably, but it's hard to make that decision when things are going smoothly. Heck, it's hard to make that decision anytime. So, we plug along. Take each day as it comes. As always, being grateful for the positives and trying not to dwell on the negatives. Tim stays super busy at work which is a huge help to him mentally. I drag my feet doing things I don't want to do and
then get so behind, it's ridiculous. The time flies. Before we know it, it will be Christmas. We are 4 1/2  years into this journey and I know we are incredibly blessed that Tim defied the odds that his docs had given him. Just wish I could slow things down a bit, but speed up that cure thing, but like all things, it is what it is. We wait and we pray.

Autumn in Jersey

This is my  back to school life:
Driving my kid around so much, as well as the occasional friend(s), that I need to paint my mommy van
yellow with black checkers.
Doing gobs of paperwork that I CAN'T stand.
Tenants breaking a lease and re-renting an apartment that was contracted to be rented until February.(First showing and it was a done deal. A personal record of  24 hours.)
Meeting with the  president of the football league to try to do something about bullying problems with their players. I am co-founder of a parent based, anti-bullying group.
TONS of household chores that I do not want to do either.
Seeing another yard sale season go by with me not having the time to do one.
Seeing another warm season end when the chores to finish construction on our house were not fit in.
Various school functions and meetings
Soccer games and football games(this is pretty fun.)
Listening to how tired and stressed my husband is from having so much work.
Wondering when I will ever start exercising and get rid of this weight I've gained.
Stalling on scheduling doctor appts. I'm due for.
Switching clothes out for the cold weather and bumming over how many of them don't fit anymore.
Wishing for the zillionth time since Tim's diagnosis that we could spend our time doing what we WANT to do
instead of all the crap that we MUST.
Everyone says "live for today" and "seize the moment."
How in the world do you do that?

Starting off the school year

Well Olivia has made it through her first full week of this school year, or maybe WE have made it. Her first day of school, I woke with a horrible neck and headache that lasted all day and the next day, I woke up with severe vertigo and could not even walk, my head was spinning so bad. SPLENDID! Thank heavens for Bonine. Though she is only in the 8th grade,
she is now going to the high school. She spent the first few days getting lost in the building and sometimes
going to the wrong class(they use a 4 day rotating schedule that drops and picks up certain classes). She seems to like it, though the amount of homework has tripled and she is not pleased about that. She does both soccer and cheerleading in the fall season so she usually has a practice or game 6 days a week, making it hard to fit in all the homework. They won the 1st soccer game of the season today and Liv scored one of the goals. Then we drove to see our nephew's football game and they creamed their opponents. It's kinda fun, kinda hectic getting back into the whole grind of school. We have to leave the house a half hour earlier in the morning.
The last school she went to was not even a mile from our house. The highschool is 2.5 miles but the TRAFFIC is insane. The first day of school, it took us a half hour to get her to school and get home. CRAZY. Considering the towns around here are about 3 to 4 miles across but have populations
upwards of 10 thousand people each, you can imagine that's a lot of darn cars on the road. I am now driving a roundabout way to get to school but at least I avoid sitting in bumper to bumper traffic until the last block or so. Liv also got retainers this week to try to correct a few bite issues before she moves on to full braces. MAN I did not know how pricey braces were. I thought maybe I'd hop on that bandwagon and get my askew front tooth straightened a bit but 6 thousand dollars times 2, forget it. This guy is so busy, it's hard getting appointments with him. I told Olivia she should DEFINITELY become an orthodontist. KA-CHING.  I took the 5% off, pay all up front option and I think the dentist's wife is out buying coach pocketbooks and shoes today with Tim's hard earned money. So anyway, onto the fall. We live a pretty boring life so it's nice to get out and socialize at all these sports functions. Even Lacey has been loving it. I take
her to the new dog park where Liv's soccer games are, just down our street. She made some new dog friends. Today, she met Fred the beagle and I think Fred is "head over paws" in love with our little Lacey. He
was baying at her and finally Lacey broke down and talked to him. Everyone was laughing at this little beagle conversation. They stood there on point, looking at each other and he would bark, then she would answer. Very cute. After Liv's friend's soccer game was finished and I left to go help her with our chairs, Fred cried for Lacey and followed her all the way down the fence line. He layed down and watched her every move until we came back his way toward our car. He started barking at her
and followed her every move down the fence again. The whole time, Lacey was barely giving him a glance. Playing a little "hard to get", I guess. He was adorable. Same age as her but a bit smaller. I better watch him though. It appears he still has all his "original equipment" so no wonder he hasn't "lost that lovin' feeling."
Got a call from my older sis who is touring California with my parents, while at the dog park. She called from Tahoe. Color me jealous. Someday, I should force myself back on a plane and go there. Tim and Liv want to go and I wouldn't mind  a CA trip either if it weren't for the flying part. Oh well, time to make the donuts. Happy Fall!

Blue Grass and Jesus

http://www.vtcucc.org/churches/EastHardwick.html


While in VT on vacation, I happened to notice an ad in the local paper that said there would be a blue grass band performing at the Sunday service in this tiny little post-civil war Congregational Church just down the street from my in-laws' house(link above). I figured I had to check this out. Tim and Liv took a pass as did my in-laws.
I have to say, it was the sweetest little service I have ever been to and I was sorry they missed it. There were only 16 people there and that included the 3-piece band and one of their kids, the organist, and the Deacon, who ran the service because the Pastor was not there. The music was great. Everyone knew everyone, 'cept me of course, and gosh, it was really moving and warm and fuzzy and memorable. Just a toe-tapping good time. The band was 2 guys, who both played acoustic guitars and banjos, and the one guy's wife, who played a bass guitar. The guys did all the singing. At the conclusion of the service, the whole congregation, all 16 of us, got up and formed a circle, held hands and sang(or in my case, mouthed the words to)  "Til we meet again." DO YOU GET any more warm and fuzzy than that?! The Deacon started the service with this speech. I asked if he had a copy of it after the service and he gladly gave me his. I must say, it made us all laugh out loud and then it made me think. He said:

"If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
It you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender
preference, or politics,
THEN, you have ALMOST reached the same level of development
As your dog."

I thought this was hysterical. But then it also made me think of something. One is obviously expecting the last line to say something like, "you are blessed" or "living a Godly life" or something about Jesus. Instead it made me think that my dog is a MUCH better Christian than I am because I can't say that I can do ALL of those things, consistantly. So a lot of us folks who love pets and hope so much that the ones we have loved do go to Heaven so we can see them again,......well.......maybe the reality is that our pets are a shoo-in to get to Heaven and THEY may be worried if WE are going to "make the cut" so they can see us in the here-after. Just sayin'.  ;o)

Maybe I have to start taking cues from my puppy. :o)