A few months ago, my youngest sister decided to take her 2 young kids to Disneyworld. My parents haven't been there since the last time we all went 30 years ago, so they asked if she minded if they came down too. She was thrilled. Then, my older sister, who travels quite a bit, said she'd like to pop down for part of the week, so she booked her flights. Tim, Olivia and I just went for the 2nd time in 2008. I was really done. We'd done it twice, when liv was almost 6, and just turning 10, and I'd rather spend my money going new places. Also, none of us 3 do thrill rides. Liv doesn't like them, and they don't agree with Tim and me anymore, equalibrium-wise. We really did everything we cared to do when we went in '08. BUT, once Tim heard that most of my family was going down, he said, "let's go." BUT I HATE GOING ON PLANES and I'm very sad about kenneling my dog for 8 or 9 days(we'll get home too late to pick her up, and probably have to drop her off the day before we leave.) :o(
I did not fly for 23 years after a very rough take-off going to California in 1985. I got on a plane in 2008 out
of sheer desperation. Tim's transplant had failed. His doctor was very pessimistic about what the future held
for him. I wanted, VERY BADLY, to get Olivia back to Disney at an age when she would remember more of it. He was on chemo and we were far too exhausted to drive it, as we did when Liv was 5. So, I did it. Didn't like it, but slapped a smile on my face so Olivia wouldn't know I was afraid. I wasn't as bad as I thought I'd be after 23 years on terra firma, but I am claustrophobic and do not like being trapped in tight places. Well, I figured we could not miss this opportunity and it is a really stinky drive.
Nothing to see and 21 hours in the car with pit stops. We did it in 2 days and were so tired, we're in no hurry to do it again. I booked the flights and a suite in the same resort. My older sister, Lori, stopped by the other night to ask me something. My other younger sister is divorced. Her kids, 20, and 22, are not on speaking terms with her. It was not a good scene. My sister is not even talking to my parents now and none of us hear from her much or at all. My older sister travels to California for business constantly. Last year, she treated my niece and nephew to a trip out to California. Aside from the fact that my niece hates flying more than me, and had a panic attack and cried on the plane coming home, they loved the trip. So, Lori asked me what I thought of trying to get them to Disney with us. My mom's memory is getting so bad. We really feel this is so important for our family and these kids have had a rough time of it these past few years. So, she said she could probably get their airfare on her frequent flyer points and would pay for their park passes. I said Tim and I would upgrade to a multi-bedroom & bathroom villa and cover their lodging so Lori called them and asked if they wanted to do it. They are over the moon. They only went once, when they were 4 and 6, so I'm sure they have no real memories of it. We're hoping they make it down for Christmas Eve so we can surprise my parents with this news with them here. It's so hard for my parents to be estranged from their daughter(totally my sister's fault) and they don't get to see these grandkids that much. This is turning into a really special event and we are all so excited. My parents are going to see Disney again with all their grandchildren. Very cool!
There's just no place like Disneyworld to be a kid again and forget your troubles.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving
In the early 1600's, American indians helped the pilgrims that immigrated to New England. They taught
them to live in their new land. They had been starving and dying out before this help. They fed them, showed them how to cultivate corn because their wheat wouldn't grow in the soil. They helped them build decent houses. Eventually, the white man ran them off their lands and killed them by the thousands. Not much of a thank you, was it. 400 years later, we now help
a different kind of indian. We out-source millions of jobs to India so we can have record high unemployment
rates and tons of college educated kids who are computer wizards but cannot land jobs. I dunno, none of this makes any damn sense to me at all.
BUT Thanksgiving is a time when we remember when people looked out for each other, despite their
differences. They did what was the right thing to do. We humble ourselves and know that "no man is an island." We are all connected and we need other people to survive. We realize that even those of us who
are having hard times in our lives, can find something to be grateful for. Today, I am grateful for our family and that Tim is doing well.
Tim and Liv and I are so strong together. Tim's business is doing so well, he's turning down work. We just booked a trip to Disneyworld with almost everyone on my side of the family going. We're psyched. Some really good stuff is going on and the rough seas we've weathered lately has shown me, once again, how suited Tim and I are for each other. We have the same opinions and goals and that goes a long way toward making a marriage work. We just fit, us two. Like peas and carrots. Anyhoo, hope y'all have
a great holiday. Here's to picking out the positives and runnin' with 'em.
them to live in their new land. They had been starving and dying out before this help. They fed them, showed them how to cultivate corn because their wheat wouldn't grow in the soil. They helped them build decent houses. Eventually, the white man ran them off their lands and killed them by the thousands. Not much of a thank you, was it. 400 years later, we now help
a different kind of indian. We out-source millions of jobs to India so we can have record high unemployment
rates and tons of college educated kids who are computer wizards but cannot land jobs. I dunno, none of this makes any damn sense to me at all.
BUT Thanksgiving is a time when we remember when people looked out for each other, despite their
differences. They did what was the right thing to do. We humble ourselves and know that "no man is an island." We are all connected and we need other people to survive. We realize that even those of us who
are having hard times in our lives, can find something to be grateful for. Today, I am grateful for our family and that Tim is doing well.
Tim and Liv and I are so strong together. Tim's business is doing so well, he's turning down work. We just booked a trip to Disneyworld with almost everyone on my side of the family going. We're psyched. Some really good stuff is going on and the rough seas we've weathered lately has shown me, once again, how suited Tim and I are for each other. We have the same opinions and goals and that goes a long way toward making a marriage work. We just fit, us two. Like peas and carrots. Anyhoo, hope y'all have
a great holiday. Here's to picking out the positives and runnin' with 'em.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Moving on?................. well trying to anyway.
It's going to be a busy season around our house. We are hosting Thanksgiving. Then we have a party on the first Sat. of Dec. which coincides with our town holiday parade and tree lighting. And, now we will be doing Christmas Eve at our house instead of Christmas morning brunch. My parents have done CE for years but it is too much for my mom now even though we all cook and bring stuff. We will not be going to Tim's parents' house for Christmas day and will be going to my sister's instead. Though
we know Tim's family is going to crucify us over this, we are looking forward to a stress-free Christmas with no arguing or ugliness and there is something to be said for that after many years of the opposite. My therapist asked me why we were not relieved and celebrating being able to opt out of the holidays and vacations now. I said, "having your parents and siblings betray you is not an easy thing to swallow, especially when you have cancer and face your mortality every moment." I told Tim later about what she said and he said he did feel relief about that as soon as it all happened. I think we all knew this would blow up eventually and now it has. Though they will blame us for everything for bucking their system(what else is new), we won't blame ourselves for salvaging our holiday and vacation memories now. It is still hard to deal with what happened. Wish I was doing a better job of spamming it but this is his family and he is so mad/hurt and that affects me. It is really disappointing to see people stoop to levels you thought were above them and say things that just can't be taken back. I don't know how we can look them in the eyes after that mess and cannot help but think they are subconsciously taking themselves out of our lives because they don't want to be around later if things get worse. Tim has been right on when it comes to knowing his family and what they would do. I gave too much credit to some and I guess didn't want to believe they were this bad. However, neither of us expected them to back out and not be there for him/us through the hardest time of our lives. When my therapist asked me why I was surprised after all these years of knowing what they were like, that's what I told her. I actually think that guilt over that has a lot to do with why they are lashing out in anger and had to take a cheap shot at my family during the fight. My family has been there for us, from the very beginning. His sister called and left a message for Tim on his cell phone. His brother-in-law called and I talked to him for about an hour. We respect him. He did not grow up with this lunacy so he sees it for what it is. And I was glad to be able to tell him the TRUTH of what happened as so many people in Tim's family are honesty-challenged and no matter how much you try to thicken your skin, noone likes to be lied about or held responsible for things they did not do or say. My therapist wondered if they're trying to come between me and Tim. Who knows what drives these people but they have no chance of that. For one thing, there is no ball and chain on Tim. If he thinks he would be happier with someone else, he's free to go and he knows that. Life is short. It's not that we are not committed to this marriage, we are, but we CHOOSE to be together and his happiness means more to me than my own and I don't want to hold him back from being the happiest he can be, especially living with cancer, as he does. I just tell him that he has to make sure he ditches me for someone who is filthy rich or at least has great health insurance! The boy has gone a bit "high maintenance" doncha know. ;o) But, he doesn't seem to be going anywhere and in the last 4 1/2 years, he has certainly learned who "has his back" and has been there for him, hasn't he. Our marriage isn't perfect but it's pretty darn strong and we are definitely gonna make it.
When he was first diagnosed, I couldn't promise much about what the future held. Heck, I didn't even understand what we were dealing with at that point, but I told him flat out that he would never go through anything alone and I would be right next to him for everything. I don't break promises. So anyway, back to our "normal" life. Olivia just finished her soccer season(they took division championship) and football cheering. She will be very busy with her cheer/dance team practices and competitions from now until March. AND, we may be going to Disney World with my family at the end of January. I hate to fly but this is the first chance to be with them all there since we went 30 years ago this past week. Mom's memory seems to be slipping even worse so we have to do these things now. As always, I am not finding the time to take better care of me or catch up around the house but hope to get on top of it all sometime this winter. I've learned to roll with things better. The tree through the rental could have been worse. Everything is relative. I
just keep my chin up as much as possible and face whatever comes. In some ways, being a caregiver shows you what you're made of. One can never imagine how you would cope with something. Looking back, I can't believe what we've been through and somehow, we're still standing. I look at us three now and think,
wow, we are pretty strong people. What a team. I've learned so much these last years. Some good lessons there but some really hard ones too. You see the worst of people but thank God, you see the best of folks too. It's one thing to learn things about others that you didn't know, but I think I've learned even more about myself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I just try to make sure the good outweighs the rest by as far a margin as I can manage.
It's such a self-righteous sounding quote but I still love it:
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
I guess it's a good thing it's Thanksgiving time. There will be a lot less turkeys hanging around.
we know Tim's family is going to crucify us over this, we are looking forward to a stress-free Christmas with no arguing or ugliness and there is something to be said for that after many years of the opposite. My therapist asked me why we were not relieved and celebrating being able to opt out of the holidays and vacations now. I said, "having your parents and siblings betray you is not an easy thing to swallow, especially when you have cancer and face your mortality every moment." I told Tim later about what she said and he said he did feel relief about that as soon as it all happened. I think we all knew this would blow up eventually and now it has. Though they will blame us for everything for bucking their system(what else is new), we won't blame ourselves for salvaging our holiday and vacation memories now. It is still hard to deal with what happened. Wish I was doing a better job of spamming it but this is his family and he is so mad/hurt and that affects me. It is really disappointing to see people stoop to levels you thought were above them and say things that just can't be taken back. I don't know how we can look them in the eyes after that mess and cannot help but think they are subconsciously taking themselves out of our lives because they don't want to be around later if things get worse. Tim has been right on when it comes to knowing his family and what they would do. I gave too much credit to some and I guess didn't want to believe they were this bad. However, neither of us expected them to back out and not be there for him/us through the hardest time of our lives. When my therapist asked me why I was surprised after all these years of knowing what they were like, that's what I told her. I actually think that guilt over that has a lot to do with why they are lashing out in anger and had to take a cheap shot at my family during the fight. My family has been there for us, from the very beginning. His sister called and left a message for Tim on his cell phone. His brother-in-law called and I talked to him for about an hour. We respect him. He did not grow up with this lunacy so he sees it for what it is. And I was glad to be able to tell him the TRUTH of what happened as so many people in Tim's family are honesty-challenged and no matter how much you try to thicken your skin, noone likes to be lied about or held responsible for things they did not do or say. My therapist wondered if they're trying to come between me and Tim. Who knows what drives these people but they have no chance of that. For one thing, there is no ball and chain on Tim. If he thinks he would be happier with someone else, he's free to go and he knows that. Life is short. It's not that we are not committed to this marriage, we are, but we CHOOSE to be together and his happiness means more to me than my own and I don't want to hold him back from being the happiest he can be, especially living with cancer, as he does. I just tell him that he has to make sure he ditches me for someone who is filthy rich or at least has great health insurance! The boy has gone a bit "high maintenance" doncha know. ;o) But, he doesn't seem to be going anywhere and in the last 4 1/2 years, he has certainly learned who "has his back" and has been there for him, hasn't he. Our marriage isn't perfect but it's pretty darn strong and we are definitely gonna make it.
When he was first diagnosed, I couldn't promise much about what the future held. Heck, I didn't even understand what we were dealing with at that point, but I told him flat out that he would never go through anything alone and I would be right next to him for everything. I don't break promises. So anyway, back to our "normal" life. Olivia just finished her soccer season(they took division championship) and football cheering. She will be very busy with her cheer/dance team practices and competitions from now until March. AND, we may be going to Disney World with my family at the end of January. I hate to fly but this is the first chance to be with them all there since we went 30 years ago this past week. Mom's memory seems to be slipping even worse so we have to do these things now. As always, I am not finding the time to take better care of me or catch up around the house but hope to get on top of it all sometime this winter. I've learned to roll with things better. The tree through the rental could have been worse. Everything is relative. I
just keep my chin up as much as possible and face whatever comes. In some ways, being a caregiver shows you what you're made of. One can never imagine how you would cope with something. Looking back, I can't believe what we've been through and somehow, we're still standing. I look at us three now and think,
wow, we are pretty strong people. What a team. I've learned so much these last years. Some good lessons there but some really hard ones too. You see the worst of people but thank God, you see the best of folks too. It's one thing to learn things about others that you didn't know, but I think I've learned even more about myself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I just try to make sure the good outweighs the rest by as far a margin as I can manage.
It's such a self-righteous sounding quote but I still love it:
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
I guess it's a good thing it's Thanksgiving time. There will be a lot less turkeys hanging around.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Psychology 101
As many of you know, we have some real issues with Tim's family going on. I spoke to my therapist about the whole mess. As I explained Tim's father's behavior, the first question she asked me was, "Does he drink?" Um, yep, nailed that one. After I told her about the fight
and the things that have happened in the past, she asked me this. "If his parents fight in front of your child
and his father frequently insults you and there is all this ugliness going on, why do you continue to spend your holidays and vacations with them?" Now, this is a question I've asked my husband for years but I told her that we did not want to break up his family or keep our kid from her cousins and grandparents. I actually think I saw my therapist roll her eyes at that answer. I could hear what Sandy said in one of her comments about the whole "insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results," hanging in the air between us but the look on her face said it all. How foolish. Look where that got you now. She said, "this is not good for your daughter to witness, you realize." "Yes, I know." The last thing I ever wanted was for her to witness a fight like this but like I always thought, and everyone who has now heard what happened and knows Tim's family, has now said, it was inevitable and not a matter of "if" but "when." I guess there
was a part of me that still hoped it would not come to that but anyone with the least amount of self-respect and concern for her daughter's self image, does not allow her father-in-law to call her "stupid", especially in front of her daughter. People who know me and him have actually laughed at that. I am not perfect in a lot of ways but I did relatively OK in the IQ department. I am not the highschool dropout with a chip on his shoulder. Stupidity was him thinking he was going to say that and get away with it. Stupidity is also going around insulting people and throwing temper tantrums and thinking it doesn't reflect on him and make people stay away, all because your wife put up with it for 55+ years. I have 2 sisters who were involved in abusive relationships when they were young. It's VERY hard to see that and be helpless to stop it(I tried). The thought that my daughter could accept that for herself someday because she heard her grandfather be verbally abusive to her grandmother and thinks it's normal(we explain all the time that it's not), or was at least good enough for 2 people she loves, is not Ok with me or Tim by a longshot. She almost witnessed him be physically abusive to her one Christmas a few years back. Tim often says, "I had to listen to this cr** my entire life. I don't want my kid hearing it."
This thought came to me today. My therapist told me, a month or so ago, that some people knowingly or unknowingly start to distance themselves from someone who is very ill. Could that be what his family is doing? I wonder. Tim is not the kind of person people don't want to be around. He drops everything for others and is always there for people. He gets along with everyone. Yet, his father continued to gun for me despite both of us telling him to quit it and Tim telling him a year and a half ago, that "this ends now!"
Tim warned him this past spring, when his father brought the whole brother and sister-in-law thing up at our kid's ball game, to stay out of it. These people knew we had had it with the constant fighting. So.....are we dealing with people who just cannot control their anger and are so disrespectful that they couldn't care less what we want or don't want in our lives? That is definitely part of it. But, are they also purposely taking themselves out of our lives
because of Tim's illness? I think his brother has the perfect excuse to back away and that doesn't surprise me
at all. He never stepped up in any way from the get-go. His wife caused this, he's backing her, he has his out. It takes guts to hang in there with people like us who are facing this. You find out who has the guts and who doesn't pretty quickly. But maybe that explains all this, or part of it. I know I would want to spend as much time as possible with my child/sibling and do as much as I possibly could to help. Most of them have done just the opposite. Are they getting the loss overwith now because they think it's coming? Are they looking for someone to blame because their son has cancer so they're taking their pain out on me? They were always disrespectful like this though and his father always hated that I was smart and not intimidated by him. Ya know, it's ironic. They're glad that I am smart enough to be a good caregiver and advocate but don't be smart around them though. I can't even talk to anyone about anything that is above his father's intellectual watermark, without his father listening in and shooting an insult across the room at me. Nothing like wearing your insecurities right on your sleeve.
Well, I know this. Luckily, we have a lot of support from other people. For the first time in many years, we will be able to enjoy Christmas without having a knot in our stomachs. But the sad part is that we didn't want this and in 26 years, I have never seen my husband this mad, disappointed, and hurt and that REALLY STINKS! And the fact that it was caused by his own parents and siblings is unimaginable, but true. He did not deserve this. I hate that so many times, the good guys get the short end of the stick. (cleaning that up a bit) Gonna be a hard road trying to find the silver linings in this whole mess. But we are staying busy, and loving and supporting each other. Life goes on and we can take care of ourselves without them. Our kid tried out for the first time in a competition dance/cheer squad and made it yesterday. This is and will be her busiest year ever. We are dealing with a lot but we are a united front. We'll do what's right for Liv and us and folks will either get on board or not. That's their choice. We remain true to our values and those that know us well, know we did not cause this. Now it's off to the laundry and paperwork with me. Blessed tedium.
and the things that have happened in the past, she asked me this. "If his parents fight in front of your child
and his father frequently insults you and there is all this ugliness going on, why do you continue to spend your holidays and vacations with them?" Now, this is a question I've asked my husband for years but I told her that we did not want to break up his family or keep our kid from her cousins and grandparents. I actually think I saw my therapist roll her eyes at that answer. I could hear what Sandy said in one of her comments about the whole "insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results," hanging in the air between us but the look on her face said it all. How foolish. Look where that got you now. She said, "this is not good for your daughter to witness, you realize." "Yes, I know." The last thing I ever wanted was for her to witness a fight like this but like I always thought, and everyone who has now heard what happened and knows Tim's family, has now said, it was inevitable and not a matter of "if" but "when." I guess there
was a part of me that still hoped it would not come to that but anyone with the least amount of self-respect and concern for her daughter's self image, does not allow her father-in-law to call her "stupid", especially in front of her daughter. People who know me and him have actually laughed at that. I am not perfect in a lot of ways but I did relatively OK in the IQ department. I am not the highschool dropout with a chip on his shoulder. Stupidity was him thinking he was going to say that and get away with it. Stupidity is also going around insulting people and throwing temper tantrums and thinking it doesn't reflect on him and make people stay away, all because your wife put up with it for 55+ years. I have 2 sisters who were involved in abusive relationships when they were young. It's VERY hard to see that and be helpless to stop it(I tried). The thought that my daughter could accept that for herself someday because she heard her grandfather be verbally abusive to her grandmother and thinks it's normal(we explain all the time that it's not), or was at least good enough for 2 people she loves, is not Ok with me or Tim by a longshot. She almost witnessed him be physically abusive to her one Christmas a few years back. Tim often says, "I had to listen to this cr** my entire life. I don't want my kid hearing it."
This thought came to me today. My therapist told me, a month or so ago, that some people knowingly or unknowingly start to distance themselves from someone who is very ill. Could that be what his family is doing? I wonder. Tim is not the kind of person people don't want to be around. He drops everything for others and is always there for people. He gets along with everyone. Yet, his father continued to gun for me despite both of us telling him to quit it and Tim telling him a year and a half ago, that "this ends now!"
Tim warned him this past spring, when his father brought the whole brother and sister-in-law thing up at our kid's ball game, to stay out of it. These people knew we had had it with the constant fighting. So.....are we dealing with people who just cannot control their anger and are so disrespectful that they couldn't care less what we want or don't want in our lives? That is definitely part of it. But, are they also purposely taking themselves out of our lives
because of Tim's illness? I think his brother has the perfect excuse to back away and that doesn't surprise me
at all. He never stepped up in any way from the get-go. His wife caused this, he's backing her, he has his out. It takes guts to hang in there with people like us who are facing this. You find out who has the guts and who doesn't pretty quickly. But maybe that explains all this, or part of it. I know I would want to spend as much time as possible with my child/sibling and do as much as I possibly could to help. Most of them have done just the opposite. Are they getting the loss overwith now because they think it's coming? Are they looking for someone to blame because their son has cancer so they're taking their pain out on me? They were always disrespectful like this though and his father always hated that I was smart and not intimidated by him. Ya know, it's ironic. They're glad that I am smart enough to be a good caregiver and advocate but don't be smart around them though. I can't even talk to anyone about anything that is above his father's intellectual watermark, without his father listening in and shooting an insult across the room at me. Nothing like wearing your insecurities right on your sleeve.
Well, I know this. Luckily, we have a lot of support from other people. For the first time in many years, we will be able to enjoy Christmas without having a knot in our stomachs. But the sad part is that we didn't want this and in 26 years, I have never seen my husband this mad, disappointed, and hurt and that REALLY STINKS! And the fact that it was caused by his own parents and siblings is unimaginable, but true. He did not deserve this. I hate that so many times, the good guys get the short end of the stick. (cleaning that up a bit) Gonna be a hard road trying to find the silver linings in this whole mess. But we are staying busy, and loving and supporting each other. Life goes on and we can take care of ourselves without them. Our kid tried out for the first time in a competition dance/cheer squad and made it yesterday. This is and will be her busiest year ever. We are dealing with a lot but we are a united front. We'll do what's right for Liv and us and folks will either get on board or not. That's their choice. We remain true to our values and those that know us well, know we did not cause this. Now it's off to the laundry and paperwork with me. Blessed tedium.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A freaky Halloween
Well, the kids are off school for the second day. A freak snowstorm on Saturday while the leaves were
still on the trees had/has many of us with no power and the kids trick or treated yesterday climbing over snow
mounds and tree limbs. They worked for their candy this year. The scariest thing is that Olivia had a dream
Friday night that a tree fell and crashed through our rental house. Well, I wish she could have dreamt that I
won the 200 million dollar power ball lottery, 'cause I would have much rather gotten that news Sat. evening
than the news I got, which was........................you guessed it, a tree fell and part of it came into the diningroom of our rental with our favorite tenant just 8 feet away in the kitchen. Perfect ending to a crazy week. OUr tenant is fine and the coolest woman ever. The tree is still there as it was a town/county tree from the nature preserve behind us that fell and the ins. company
hasn't come out yet, nor has the town department to remove it. It is stable and luckily only one branch came through the wall and sealed the hole as it did. Spookiest Halloween ever.
still on the trees had/has many of us with no power and the kids trick or treated yesterday climbing over snow
mounds and tree limbs. They worked for their candy this year. The scariest thing is that Olivia had a dream
Friday night that a tree fell and crashed through our rental house. Well, I wish she could have dreamt that I
won the 200 million dollar power ball lottery, 'cause I would have much rather gotten that news Sat. evening
than the news I got, which was........................you guessed it, a tree fell and part of it came into the diningroom of our rental with our favorite tenant just 8 feet away in the kitchen. Perfect ending to a crazy week. OUr tenant is fine and the coolest woman ever. The tree is still there as it was a town/county tree from the nature preserve behind us that fell and the ins. company
hasn't come out yet, nor has the town department to remove it. It is stable and luckily only one branch came through the wall and sealed the hole as it did. Spookiest Halloween ever.
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