As many of you know, we have some real issues with Tim's family going on. I spoke to my therapist about the whole mess. As I explained Tim's father's behavior, the first question she asked me was, "Does he drink?" Um, yep, nailed that one. After I told her about the fight
and the things that have happened in the past, she asked me this. "If his parents fight in front of your child
and his father frequently insults you and there is all this ugliness going on, why do you continue to spend your holidays and vacations with them?" Now, this is a question I've asked my husband for years but I told her that we did not want to break up his family or keep our kid from her cousins and grandparents. I actually think I saw my therapist roll her eyes at that answer. I could hear what Sandy said in one of her comments about the whole "insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results," hanging in the air between us but the look on her face said it all. How foolish. Look where that got you now. She said, "this is not good for your daughter to witness, you realize." "Yes, I know." The last thing I ever wanted was for her to witness a fight like this but like I always thought, and everyone who has now heard what happened and knows Tim's family, has now said, it was inevitable and not a matter of "if" but "when." I guess there
was a part of me that still hoped it would not come to that but anyone with the least amount of self-respect and concern for her daughter's self image, does not allow her father-in-law to call her "stupid", especially in front of her daughter. People who know me and him have actually laughed at that. I am not perfect in a lot of ways but I did relatively OK in the IQ department. I am not the highschool dropout with a chip on his shoulder. Stupidity was him thinking he was going to say that and get away with it. Stupidity is also going around insulting people and throwing temper tantrums and thinking it doesn't reflect on him and make people stay away, all because your wife put up with it for 55+ years. I have 2 sisters who were involved in abusive relationships when they were young. It's VERY hard to see that and be helpless to stop it(I tried). The thought that my daughter could accept that for herself someday because she heard her grandfather be verbally abusive to her grandmother and thinks it's normal(we explain all the time that it's not), or was at least good enough for 2 people she loves, is not Ok with me or Tim by a longshot. She almost witnessed him be physically abusive to her one Christmas a few years back. Tim often says, "I had to listen to this cr** my entire life. I don't want my kid hearing it."
This thought came to me today. My therapist told me, a month or so ago, that some people knowingly or unknowingly start to distance themselves from someone who is very ill. Could that be what his family is doing? I wonder. Tim is not the kind of person people don't want to be around. He drops everything for others and is always there for people. He gets along with everyone. Yet, his father continued to gun for me despite both of us telling him to quit it and Tim telling him a year and a half ago, that "this ends now!"
Tim warned him this past spring, when his father brought the whole brother and sister-in-law thing up at our kid's ball game, to stay out of it. These people knew we had had it with the constant fighting. So.....are we dealing with people who just cannot control their anger and are so disrespectful that they couldn't care less what we want or don't want in our lives? That is definitely part of it. But, are they also purposely taking themselves out of our lives
because of Tim's illness? I think his brother has the perfect excuse to back away and that doesn't surprise me
at all. He never stepped up in any way from the get-go. His wife caused this, he's backing her, he has his out. It takes guts to hang in there with people like us who are facing this. You find out who has the guts and who doesn't pretty quickly. But maybe that explains all this, or part of it. I know I would want to spend as much time as possible with my child/sibling and do as much as I possibly could to help. Most of them have done just the opposite. Are they getting the loss overwith now because they think it's coming? Are they looking for someone to blame because their son has cancer so they're taking their pain out on me? They were always disrespectful like this though and his father always hated that I was smart and not intimidated by him. Ya know, it's ironic. They're glad that I am smart enough to be a good caregiver and advocate but don't be smart around them though. I can't even talk to anyone about anything that is above his father's intellectual watermark, without his father listening in and shooting an insult across the room at me. Nothing like wearing your insecurities right on your sleeve.
Well, I know this. Luckily, we have a lot of support from other people. For the first time in many years, we will be able to enjoy Christmas without having a knot in our stomachs. But the sad part is that we didn't want this and in 26 years, I have never seen my husband this mad, disappointed, and hurt and that REALLY STINKS! And the fact that it was caused by his own parents and siblings is unimaginable, but true. He did not deserve this. I hate that so many times, the good guys get the short end of the stick. (cleaning that up a bit) Gonna be a hard road trying to find the silver linings in this whole mess. But we are staying busy, and loving and supporting each other. Life goes on and we can take care of ourselves without them. Our kid tried out for the first time in a competition dance/cheer squad and made it yesterday. This is and will be her busiest year ever. We are dealing with a lot but we are a united front. We'll do what's right for Liv and us and folks will either get on board or not. That's their choice. We remain true to our values and those that know us well, know we did not cause this. Now it's off to the laundry and paperwork with me. Blessed tedium.
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3 comments:
Living with drunks is something I know about... and they are selfish, childish, cruel, manipulative and sometimes charming... but overall they are damaged by the disease of alcoholism. I heartily recommend finding a group of Al-Anon in your area to help Tim come to terms with the fact that he is NOT responsible for the BS that his family has created. As the child of an alcoholic myself, I can tell you that Al-Anon has brought sanity back to my life that the abuser tried to steal. It sounds like Tim's mother is both an enabler and has become victimized by the drunk husband - sorry to be so blunt. And the rest of the family is equally damaged to think that you and Tim - the only sane ones - are in any way to blame, but that is what kind of craziness develops in this sick game. Your pulling away forces them to look at their disease and they don't like it and have to try and place the blame someplace other than where it belongs - on them!
I will be intending that your therapist connects you with a local Al-Anon group and some of them have teen groups that meet at the same time, so Liv could have peers who are experiencing the same situations to share with.
As long as everyone tries to ignore the pink elephant, the game is on. But when someone - like you - speaks up and says "I'm not cleaning up elephant poop anymore!" everything changes - and for you and your family I'm intending it's all good!
In both AA and Al-Anon we say every day:
"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference."
I hope this helps, and know I'm praying for all of you.
PS - I recommend you find the movie "When Love is Not Enough" about the battle for Bill W's sanity over alcoholism and how the AA/Al-Anon groups began.
It will help you to understand how insidious the 'disease' is and how in order to survive it, we must listen to what W. Shakespeare had to say, "This above all; to thine own self be true."
I don't know if I would consider my f-i-l an alcoholic. Does he drink a LOT of beer? Yes. Have I seen him sloppy drunk and behave inappropriately on occasion? Yes. But I guess I always think someone is OK as long as they don't HAVE to drink everyday and don't get plastered all the time. If he decides to lay off the beer, he can. And, he's a bully whether he drinks or not. But, I do think it is a form of self-medication for him. Deep down, he is very insecure and socially inept. In fact, he was a social phobic for years.I guess if you look at the whole picture of people with alcohol issues, he may fit some of it, no doubt. I just think Tim's family has no boundaries because they have no respect for anyone, including themselves.Does it ever occur to his dad how disrespectful it is to TIM that he treats me like this, and behaves like this in front of our child, especially after Tim has talked to him about it? He either isn't smart enough to see that or doesn't care.But I must say, everything you say is right on. The attitudes and such, it's all there. I've seen that movie. I had not known how it all started. What a legacy, to recover and then help so many people.And I wholeheartedly agree with that quote. I think you have to be true to yourself and fight your own battles.People will walk all over you if you don't know who you are and stand up for yourself.
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