Easter 2020

I'm finding it hard to know how I am supposed to feel today. Normally, this is a day of celebration. That doesn't feel right or possible today. Another myeloma friend, and I hate even saying it like that because myeloma should not define anyone, but Mike died the other day at 46 years old. Like Adina, he left a spouse and 2 teenage daughters. Corona virus took him from his family and this world. He was one of the sweetest, kindest men I have ever met. He deserved so much better, as did his family. There are others I know who are currently fighting this damn virus. My husband has 4 family members, 2 that are in the hospital now, one in very bad shape, and his sister and brother in law are recovering. We live in a "hotspot" of the disease, right across the river from NYC. In addition to all this, I spent the month of March in another life and death struggle with my dad and had to move my parents into an assisted living facility at the very worst time to do that. I put my family's health, and lives, at risk in order to take care of him in the hospital and move them. As if that wasn't bad enough, I have 2 sisters, who do not handle stress well, lash out at me in the middle of all this at a time when that was the last thing I or my family needed. Life looks very different right now from what it did just 6 weeks ago. Unimaginably different, when you consider everything that is going on.

I do not feel like celebrating. My family is fractured. People are sick and dying. Others are mourning the death of loved ones that took half their hearts with them when they left. Most everyone is living in fear right now of their own mortality and so many of the people I know have cancer so this virus is so much more risky for them. But, if there is one thing that I've learned in the 13+ years of living with the grief of my husband's MM diagnosis, it is this......being morose and depressed does not help any of those people. In fact, those people would probably be screaming at us to be grateful for what we DON'T have wrong in our lives on this day. I am, by no means, being dismissive of the feelings of people who are lonely and depressed in this lockdown, or those who mourn or are fighting for their lives. I am, instead, saying that we owe it to them to be grateful for what we have today. There is no damn sense in good people losing their lives in their 20's, 30's, 40's etc. But when we can't find sense, the only option left is to find meaning.

If you can breathe today without assistance, you are blessed. If you can get up and walk across your house or back yard, you are blessed. If you have someone to love that loves you, you are blessed. If you have food to eat and money to pay your bills, you are blessed. There are so many things that you might have going right in your life that others do not. We can pray for those people and we can help where we can. But, just like I don't think you honor a person who dies by spending the rest of your life mourning, I don't think we honor or help anyone by being so morose that we sit around catatonic about all that is wrong with the world.

So, today, I am going to concentrate of what is right with my life. And, I am going to try to push out the grief and fear as much as possible. I am going to try to find the flowers among the rubble. I am going to dwell on my family's blessings.

Happy Easter, Passover, and spring to y'all!!!

Adina

Yesterday, Adina died. She was only 45, diagnosed 5+ years ago. She leaves behind a great husband and 2 teenage daughters that need their mom. She fought like crazy to stay here. Her myeloma refused to allow that. Her story is a very difficult one. When she first fell ill, her doctor did not take her seriously. Sadly, this is very common, especially with women, and I've had this happen many times myself. Too many doctors try to blame stress or anxiety for women's ailments. Her doctor did not run blood tests or do any real testing, to my knowledge, to rule out illnesses. Finally, I cannot remember if she went to the hospital or her doctor, but she told whichever that she was dying and she was not leaving until they found out what was wrong with her. She was right. She was dying. She was in renal failure and had to start dialysis. She was then diagnosed with myeloma. She was, understandably so, furious at her doctor, who just said, "we don't expect to see myeloma in someone your age."

For the next 5+ years, Adina fought like hell to stay here for her family and try to keep their family's farm and finances solvent. But, like the truly amazing person she is, she also found a way to help others and make the world a better place. She started a myeloma support group in her area because there was none for folks like her and others fighting MM. With SO MUCH already on her plate, and while fighting for her own life, she found the time and energy to fill this need and give to others. That's how this beautiful woman rolled. She always tried to make the world a better place. She jumped in and did what she could.

On Feb 1st, she posted on Facebook that she was stopping treatment. She was out of viable options and the new treatment worked for a very short time and then stopped. She was tired of feeling so sick from the drugs, not getting much help from them, and being stuck in the hospital instead of spending time with her family. These are the final words of that post:

"I wish you all the best, please go out in the world and make a difference, be a good person, live a life worth living."

Adina did those things, but not nearly as long as she wanted and deserved to. If there is one thing I have seen, in the 13 years that I've been immersed in the world of myeloma, it's that myeloma seems to choose the best people, the most giving people. It's so damn unfair. Why can't it land on the selfish jerks of the world? I know it sounds awful to say something like that. But, seeing the most awesome people live with this and be struck down in the prime of their lives is painful and doesn't make one bit of sense.

Adina, you will never be forgotten. You made a difference.