Wrapping up

So, what to say about 2013. Tim remained stable-ish. Had a bad case of disseminated shingles for Easter, but, other than that, his doctors find his labs/case boring, and we LOVE boring when it comes to cancer markers. I lost another MM friend in Oct. and my friend lost her mom in Nov. It still seems like I am constantly hearing of cancer diagnosis, including another within Tim's family. Prostate, this time. Getting old is not for sissies, as I have said before. Life seems to be pock-marked with illnesses and deaths. Gets harder and harder to find the joie de vivre between the tough times.

Another year is in the rearview mirror and I have not managed to kick myself in the butt and get my spare room and basement organized, something I am embarrassed to say has been a LONG time coming and still hasn't come. Seems just when I seem to find some time, something else comes up to take up that time. Our favorite tenant ever, Rose, is moving after 3 years so, right before Christmas, I was faced, and still am, with the task of re-renting an apartment. There are times I wish I could sell this rental. I LOVE the house and sometimes think it would be a good place to retire, but, it has brought with it some real stress these last 7 years. Our real estate market has not sprung back yet though, and selling it now would be at a loss, so that is not an option.

Life is pretty much cruising along as normal. Too FAST, of course. The years all seem to sail by but this past one seemed particularly fast. As is also the norm, I feel that we do nothing but move from chore to chore and are not making any headway on the old "bucket list." I'd like to do more fun things this year. Tim always seems to be working and I always seem to be trying to keep my head above water whilst drowning in an endless list of "to-do's".

Tim turns 50 on Feb 3rd. A HUGE milestone. Half a century. Wow. I am in the beginning stages of planning a combined party with his friend's wife for Tim and his best buddy. Hope that goes well. I think Tim, Liv and I will be taking a big trip to celebrate in the spring. Maybe an island or something. I'm trying to be excited for their sake but am not. Not crazy about flying and really not crazy about going someplace with sub-par healthcare when there is a health issue on board. I don't want to ruin this for him so I will suck it up, I suppose.

It looks like 2014 will see my older sister moving to Vermont. She is interviewing for a job there now and plans to put her house here on the market in the spring. This will be weird for us. We have all stayed within an hour of where we grew up and she will be the first to move away. She is the only one that lives close enough to me to be considered a "support system" too. She lives in the next town, whereas my other sisters and my parents are a 45 to 50 minute ride, so that will present an issue for us, but, it is what it is. Unfortunately, their VT house is not just a few hour drive so we don't expect to be able to see them much. It's not even something you would do for a weekend. At 350 miles, it takes us 7 and 1/2 to 8 hours to get there with pit stops.

Nothing stays the same. Sometimes that's good, sometimes not. Nothing to do but try to make 2014 a good year.

Happy New Year! May God's blessings rain down on you and yours in 2014!

Never a "textbook" case

This past Tuesday, Olivia had her wisdom teeth pulled, as well as a molar that had been trapped by one of them, cut free and wiggled up. This was the first time she was having anesthesia or anything done for that matter. I wanted to go in with her until they put her to sleep but thought they wouldn't let me. They did, without me even asking. It was sad to watch, and I could feel my heart racing away, but I stay outwardly calm during tough stuff like this. When she was in recovery, they let me go in and sit with her. After a while, we got her up to a sitting position and she started vomiting. It was not pleasant. I was there with her alone, had to pull the gauze out of her mouth, which was stuck to her braces, so she wouldn't choke, and she was half asleep. I called for the nurse. She continued to vomit and it was getting a little upsetting because she was so asleep that she was having trouble clearing her throat. Suddenly, I felt a faint coming on. Ran to the waiting room by Tim and took a drink of water. I sat down and a nurse came out. They put me on a rolling chair, got me to a room and I laid on one of the treatment chairs and out I went. When it was over, I had not even realized I'd actually fainted and then was told I got sick to my stomach while I was out.
Thoughts of my mom's episode in Cape May came to mind. I was ticked. I don't faint from medical stuff or blood. What the heck!!! Can't anything in our lives go simply? Now they were taking care of both of us and I couldn't even be there with my kid. Tim was walking back and forth between the 2 rooms and I told him to just stay with Liv. They had to "stick" her again and give her IV Zofran. She still threw up. Eventually, she was not waking up  well and still nauseous. The doctor said, "her stomach is empty, she is dehydrated, I'm going to give her a bag of fluid and she will come around." He told Tim that this happens once or twice a month. So, the poor kid is still throwing up and gets stuck a third time for an IV. They gave her another dose of Zofran and finally, she stopped getting sick and after about a half bag of fluids, she started to come around. Tough day for our family. I was warned that if she ever gets anesthesia again, the doctor has to be told about this reaction so they can pre-med her with anti-nausea meds. I was ticked that I passed out and that always brings up fear with me due to my medical history. I spose I was a little dehydrated myself and being on blood pressure meds now, I guess the upset from watching my kid be that sick just made my BP drop too low. We did not leave for home until 3 hours after her surgery had been finished. Crazy. I have to get over it. I'm disappointed but, what can ya do. I guess I am going to have to be more careful about eating and drinking enough, especially when something stressful is going on. I called an MM friend of mine the other day. He told me that he was an EMT and on the rescue squad for years. Taught CPR classes, delivered babies on calls, saw horrendous accidents where people died and even saw decapitations. He was able to deal with all this without any problems. But, some years before, his 8 year old son had his thumb shut in the car door and this man passed out cold as they worked on him in the ER of the hospital. So, he said to me, "Denise, you were being a parent." It's been a big blow to me though to lose confidence in myself in that respect. I am around medical stuff A LOT with Tim. I sure don't want this to happen again. OY! It seems nothing goes smoothly for us. Luckily, I was able to get Liv thru the next few days with ibuprofen, as we were worried her gut wouldn't tolerate the narcotic pain meds, as my doesn't either. She is better, though still a bit sore. Had a lot of cutting and digging go on in her mouth, but, it's over and we're glad of it. Now, her orthodontist can finish up with her braces and she'll probably get them off sometime next year. That kid's smile has cost us 7500 bucks OUT OF POCKET. SHEESH! She's worth it but it's times like this I'm glad we only have one. Moving on.

2 years

The 23rd was 2 years since the big blowup with Tim's family. Also his parents' wedding anniversary.
Hard to imagine 2 years has blown by. 2 years of them hardly knowing us. I saw them for the first time in over 5 months last weekend. Dropped Liv off for a visit and talked to them for a few minutes when I picked her up. They came to a JV football game on Monday but my parents were there too so they talked to them most of the time. We were all at a varsity game last night that Liv was cheering at. I don't know if they realized my parents were there, as well as my sister Lori, who they are best friends with, but they did not look for us in the stands and sat somewhere else. We didn't even know they were there until we saw them walk out before the game ended. It was a shutout. We beat them soundly and it was cold so I guess they split because of that. Oh well. Is what it is. It's such a weird situation, but, the one thing I don't think any one of them realized, was that they are such toxic people, that many people find their quality of life is better not being around them. I used to feel some guilt over this. I don't anymore. I have NEVER said or done anything to those people like they said and did to me, and my family. I put up with this for 20 years. They were warned that we'd had enough. And, honestly, my husband is just about the most easy-going guy you would ever meet. If you hit his breaking point, man that is really saying something. That guy lets things roll off better than the majority of people. I hit my breaking point MANY times with his family. But, with Tim, when he hit it, he was done. And with me, I turn the other cheek SO MANY TIMES in relationships that if you use up all those "second chances" you really made your own bed. I still feel bad for Tim and Liv. It's too bad that these people showed them, over and over again, how very low on their priority list they were. Very sad, especially considering our circumstances. But, they did, and we got the message, and we decided to bump them down our own priority list. The result was, we got rid of a lot of negativity and aggravation from our lives. I could never stand being estranged from my own kid. But, I guess their need to blame others for everything and not take responsibility for what they did is more important to them. Takes all kinds, I always say. I saw this post on the MM facebook support group from a woman whose husband has MM and she was ranting about the people, even family, that backed out on them. I thought, "yep, been there, done that." A friend of mine put this quote on her facebook the other day. It said, "The only people I owe my loyalty to, are those who never made me question theirs." How fitting.

3 cheers for STABLE

Tim had his quarterly appointment on Friday. He remains stable at .20 M-spike. Thanks be to GOD.
This appointment sets the tone for our holiday season so I am thrilled that it went well, but, then again, I always am. Unfortunately, someone I really care about was diagnosed with prostate cancer a week and a half ago and I am now worried about him. I tell ya, you just can't get away from this cancer nonsense. This one shocked me. I really thought his biopsy was going to be negative. His PSA
isn't even out of normal range for a man his age. It just rose a bit from the last one and they ordered a biopsy. He goes tomorrow for scans to be sure it is confined to just the prostate and has not spread. I sure pray that it has not. UGH!!!

On other news, Liv sprained her ankle in gym class. I have a big toe injury that I got from being stupid, as in catching for Liv while she practiced softball pitching, whilst I was wearing flip-flops. Won't be doing that again. We are busy doing the football and cheerleading thing 3 times a week. On Mondays, Liv is cheerleading captain for the JV squad and we go to the JV games. On Friday nights, we go see our varsity team play. They are whomping butt this year. Then, on Saturday nights, Liv coaches the cheerleaders for our youth football league, who are generally getting their butts whomped. It's a good kind of busy, and when it's over in Nov., we don't have much to do.

Tim is still REALLY busy at work. Golfing today for only the second time this season, which stinks.
I am taking a 9 week financial course of Dave Ramsey's and it has made me worry about money even more. Did ya ever sit down and figure out how much money goes out every month? Don't. It's damn scary!!! I've warned Liv that if she asks me for a smart phone one more time, she's in BIG trouble.

Basically, things are rolling along in our "normal" fashion. Nothing gets done around the house. We're not doing what we WANT to do, and are bogged down in all the stuff we HAVE to do. Just
"business as usual" around here. Trying to find joy in the monotony, I guess. Such is life.

Happy autumn!

Craig

I went to Craig's memorial service on Thursday night. I had a class that night for this financial program I signed up for through my church, but, this was more important. I was a bit nervous. This was way too close to home, as I've said, with his daughter being the same age as Liv and this being the first service I was going to for a multiple myeloma friend. I was afraid I was going to have a real hard time keeping it together. I'm not fond of wakes. Who is. I think they are brutal on the family. I really hate open casket ones. It's different if someone has had a long life, but, when someone dies in their prime, I'm not sure if seeing people come out to pay respects is enough to sooth the pain of standing next to your loved one's lifeless body. As it turned out, though this service was held at a funeral parlor, they did not have Craig's body there. I was relieved, mostly for his family. There were photos all over, items of his, flowers, and a big screen TV with photos for people to watch. I came out of this service just amazed. I have only known Craig since his dx in 2008. My family went to his house once. But, I did not know about his life much before his diagnosis. He graduated with TWO degrees from MIT. Was a member of Mensa.
He LOVED travelling and had visited 47 states, and 36 countries on 6 different continents. The pictures were nothing short of amazing. He rock climbed, scuba dived, he did it all. His whole life was a "bucket list." I could point at 20 people right now, and all of them combined would not have had the life experiences this one man did in his 59 years here. I was both glad to see this, that he had lived SO fully and explored SO much, packing so much into those 59 years, but also sad, because this was a man that was really making it count and he was so amazing and out-going. It was obvious that he made life exciting for those around him. What a tremendous loss to those who knew and loved him. I found myself wishing I had known him better. Despite all that, this was a man who had his demons. He told me once that he suffered from depression for years. Some of those trips were spiritual quests, trips he made searching for inner peace. Even more amazing that someone who struggled with depression still lived like he did. His wife, Leslie, and daughter, Elizabeth, did really well during this service. That's why I could hold it together. If other people cry, it gets me going. They were very strong. Still, very hard to look at Elizabeth and not feel just as I do for Liv. You got ripped off, kid. And, despite Craig having all these wonderful experiences, he was not done. He had a daughter to finish raising and a lot more he wanted to do. They had a trip booked for Paris that they had to cancel. He had not completed his "bucket list." I came home and spoke to Tim about it. I said, "this sucks, we're doing nothing with our lives." He said, "Denise, they had a lot of money and he could afford to take a lot of time off and pay for all those trips. That's just not how it is for most people." He's right, but, I looked at those pics with Elizabeth in them and thought of how badly I want my kid to see things I saw in this country by the time I was her age. I don't need to go to Thailand and all those exotic places, though there are some countries I wouldn't mind seeing. Ireland, Italy. But, I wish I could just rent an RV and take Tim and Liv across country to see the national parks and all that. I talked to Tim about doing a trip in this country for his 50th instead of some island,(I'm kinda nervous about going somewhere with sub-par medical care) but he seems to want to do the island thing. Oh well. I read something a LONG time ago and never forgot it. It said, "money can't buy happiness, but it can sure make misery a lot easier to deal with."

The hits keep coming

Been a tough week. Too many bad news items to even share them all. Then, Friday, I checked my e-mail and saw one from Craig's wife saying he had died that day. So sad. Impossible not to think about so many people I've met, whether in person or via the internet, who are not with us anymore.
In this case, also impossible not to think about my own family and Craig's 15 year old daughter. My heart hurts this week. Badly. Last Sunday, we went to the 5th annual survivors celebration that our cancer center puts on. It was a splendid day at Liberty State Park. Had a front row seat to see Gloria
Gaynor perform. But, you are surrounded by several thousand people who are either cancer patients or caregivers and family members. Such an epidemic. Tim has his blood draw this Friday and his check-up on the 18th. I got my physical done last week and wished I could change the first name on my lab reports, slip them into Tim's file, and have his docs tell us to go home and that we need never come back. Just seems like so much heartache all around me. A friend called me yesterday. Her son has diabetes and her husband has MS. Also have a daughter that is a softball pitcher, like Liv. They are already in serious financial trouble and may even lose their house and this past week, they found out her husband may be let go from his job of over 30 years. I vividly remember Michael J. Fox saying that he didn't feel sorry for himself, he felt sorry for people who had illnesses befall them that had to worry about money and health insurance on top of it. It's true. What happened to him is awful, but, he knows his family will be fine, financially anyway, and he is spared that worry. They're rich. The rest of us are stuck worrying about money, not living each day the way we'd like to be, watching days tick off the allotment we are given just trying to stay above water financially. While I realize that my family is in better shape than others, I also know how quickly that could change when Tim can't work anymore.
And, here we are, living in one of the most expensive areas of the country. I got my new property tax bill the other day. Just shy of 9600 dollars a year. Works out to 796 a month. How crazy is that? They are re-evaluating this year and who knows, may go higher still. Rises every year as it is. What do we do? Move? My husband's business is here, his doctors are here, and our support system is here, what there is of it. Speaking of support, my mom is getting worse quickly. My dad is STILL dragging his feet about leaving work. My sister had to call my mom's doctor and tell her exactly what's going on because we know she is not getting the whole story. Doctor told my mom she has to stop driving. My dad refuses to push the issue with her. Doesn't like confrontation. Honestly, he has to step up. It does stink what is going on with them, but, from my point of view, hey, at least the "in sickness and in health" stuff waited until they were in their 70's, and their kids were raised, and they had guaranteed health insurance. Tim and I were not nearly that "lucky." So much to worry about. Oh well, another week starts today. Hope it's a far sight better than the last one. Here's a pic of us by Lady Liberty last week.

Fighters

I went to a support group meeting the other day. It occurred to me, as it often does, how hard it must be for the MM patients to sit there and hear about people not doing well or passing away. Our group is very small, despite living in a very populated area and our practice having over 300 active patients, but maybe this is a big reason why it is small. Some patients find it very depressing and don't want to sit and talk about MM. Tim is one of them who refuses to dwell on it and would not do the support group thing for that reason. It is scary and heartbreaking for me too, especially as we lose members who have died, but I think this long, stable period of Tim's has succeeded in making me a bit complacent. I feel temporarily removed from the immediate threat of losing him. Though that bout of disseminated shingles, and the fact that his m-spike is creeping up slowly, seems to be snapping me out of that complacency.

Sadly, a friend of mine is on hospice now. This hits particularly close to home for me as he has a daughter that is just a few days older than Olivia, also named what I almost named Olivia. Elizabeth. Craig's story is a heart-wrenching one. He was working in Boston and had an apartment there and would come home to Jersey on the weekends. He got sick and lost consciousness in his apt. When his wife, Leslie, could not get a hold of him, she sent someone from the building to check on him and he was found. He had sepsis and was in organ failure. The first hospital suspected MM. He was transferred to a bigger hospital and, at one time, had 26 different IV's pumping into his body. He wound up with pretty much every hospital borne illness/infection there is and the doctors told his wife with all surety that he was never going to survive. Somehow, he did. She found our doctors down here, the MM specialists, and wanted him transported. When our docs saw his records, they never thought he would make it out of the hospital in Boston alive. He did, and was transported back here when he was stable enough to be ambulanced down. He eventually had a transplant, which didn't work for long, and has been on chemo ever since. In between, he worked on his "bucket list", taking trips and buying a Porsche convertible. He has been close to death 2 other times since then, the last time being February, when he had a respiratory infection that led to I guess a type of respiratory failure. I found out that one of our docs basically told them to let him go. His wife insisted that they intubate him and put him on a ventilator to help him and see if he could kick the infection. She saved his life. He survived again. Craig is a fighter, and, being only in his 50's, his body is pretty strong. Unfortunately, his MM refused to back down to chemo and when his DNA was checked against the registry for an allo donor, he was told he had a very unique DNA profile and a match could not be found and probably never would. The last time we saw him, I could tell he was very weak and the fight was leaving him. I think he knew. I got an e-mail from his wife 2 weeks ago and he is on hospice at home. I cannot even imagine, despite what we've lived with these last 6 1/2 years, how painful this must be. To add insult to injury, his daughter has significant health issues also and her life has been just a nightmare.

The speaker at our meeting the other day is a woman who runs the central Jersey support group, Paula Van Riper. She has been fighting MM for 14 years and has had so many treatments, including an allo transplant from her brother. Just so many fighters I have met on this journey. The courage I have seen humbles me.
But, when you see someone with young kids that has MM, it is particularly heartbreaking. I've said this before, the fact that our daughter's life did this "180" at only 8 years old is the worst heartache in all this. So damned unfair. So, my admiration goes out to all people fighting MM, cancer, and other illnesses, and my sympathy to them as well, today, especially to Craig, Leslie and Elizabeth. May you feel God's Grace around you.

Back to school

Well, it's Liv's last week of summer break. She has cheerleading practice every day, and coaches the younger girls 2 to 3 nights a week, so, her REAL summer break ended on 8/12. A shame really, but
that's high school sports. She was just named captain of her cheer squad and is very happy about that. Her first day of school is Monday, the 9th. My massage is scheduled for Tuesday. I am going to see, once again, if I can try to put myself on the priority list. I have been a colossal failure at it for a long time. Problem is, I'm not on anyone else's priority list either, so I feel like a well that's run dry just doing for others and wearing myself out. Lotsa water going out, not much coming back in. I've been in a heckuva funk lately. I don't think it's any one thing, I think it's multiple things. Tim's numbers rising has shook me out of complacency. I recently found out that my father has done NOTHING to obey the doctors' orders from the hospital after my mom's scare back in July. Didn't even fill the darn prescription for the lower dose of Aricept. Then, my sister went over to their house while he was at work and found out that she isn't taking ANY Aricept at all and we don't even know if she realizes it or not. She claims she's taking it. The bottle Cathy found was filled 5 1/2 months ago and is almost full. We asked my dad several times to help her monitor her meds and he never started. So, Cathy had a talk with him and sent him a lengthy e-mail. I was too angry, I would have definitely given him a piece of my mind been a quart low in the diplomacy dept. He is avoiding the problem and it's time for him to step up. My mom needs help and care and we live about 50 minutes from them and he has to be the first line of defense. We can help, but we each have our own problems to deal with, we can't do it all. He is dragging his feet on taking family leave and retiring. He's just not doing anything he needs to do for her. UGH!!!

Tim is swamped with work and has turned down an awful lot of jobs, which hurts, but it's so hard to find a kid that wants to work and right now, he is just too busy to train anyone. It's just him and our one employee, who has Crohn's disease, so, like Tim, he has doctor appts. and fatigue to deal with. Tim has been really stressed and tired so that bothers me too. I wish he didn't have to work so hard.

 I am about a week away from wrapping up a 3 year stint as treasurer for my church. WOO HOO. It was WAY more work than I was led to believe(our church also runs a school) and I will be glad it's over. As usual, I have a lot of big projects/chores I have to attack around here and am still having a hard time finding the energy and desire to do them. I think a lot of
my funk is based in the fact that I am doing nothing but BUSY work, that never stays done. There is nothing really satisfying about it at all. I've said it before, I wish we could simplify our lives. We live in an expensive area. Taxes around here are very high. Cost of living is just ridiculous. I know we are in no position to move, and I know we won't, but, some days, I just wanna chuck it all and start fresh somewhere else. This month, it will be 28 years since Tim and I got together. We were just kids, 20 and 21 years old. I don't remember what life was like before him and when I think about losing him, I honestly don't think I'll make it. I know that I cannot even imagine how painful it is to lose someone who is half of you.

Next month, it will be 2 years since that argument that split us apart from his family. It shows no sign of healing, and, truth be told, I think we are better off without them. None of them will ever change and we can't let people into our lives who kick us when we're down, repeatedly. It's hard enough to "buck up" with what we're going through without people throwing more pain on the pile. I have not seen or spoken to them since Liv's last softball game in May. They will want to go to see her cheer this fall. I'm civil, but, that's all. It's not fun for Tim and I. We both prefer not having to deal with them.

Still wondering what to do for Tim's 50th birthday in Feb. We'll probably take a trip. I think he would love a party though and it's so awkward. I guess I could just invite all his friends and do a friend party
sans family.

I try very hard to look on the bright side of things. One does not have to look far to see people in  worse situations, but, as I told my sister, the truth is, my best day is most people's nightmare and it's really hard to shake that. At church, we have prayer cards that you can write names on and our Pastor reads them aloud during the prayers. I like that they do this. I always write names of people I know who are battling MM or some other cancer. Unfortunately, the list could go on and on. But, I always feel better hearing our whole church pray for these people I care about.

So, that is the tale from here. A new school year, a new beginning, and a "Stella" over here who DEFINITELY needs to get her groove back.

Welcome autumn. Hope it's a groovy season.

Dog days of summer

We are done with our summer vacations. Always a bit depressing. We spent a week in Chincoteague. I rented a house right on the bay that is pet friendly and we brought the dog. It was nice. At first we
were a little dismayed about the house. It had VERY low ceilings on the first floor(these are basically old cottages) and it felt really cramped, but, the bedrooms upstairs had vaulted ceilings and ours had 4 windows that all had views of the bay, and a king-sized bed. I woke up every morning and watched birds and boats out on the bay right from my bed. NICE! I'd never get anything done if I had that kind of view at home.
After a few days, we got over the cramped feeling and the location won us over.
The people there are so friendly, it's hard to come home to the metropolitan area we live in after that.
The house did not have internet so Liv and I were unplugged for most of the week, with the exception of checking e-mail a few times using a free site at an ice cream joint. I think it was a good thing to be "off the grid" for a week. It was a much needed vacation for Tim. They all are. He is having his busiest summer ever and is working weekends and nights trying to stay on schedule. He had the slowest winter he ever had in business, and now, he's had to turn down quite a lot of work because he just cannot get to everybody. He is stressed, and that sucks, but, it's better than not having enough work.
Before we went, we had a 75th birthday party, here at our house, for my dad. That went well. It'll probably be the last big party we have in this family. My mom is not into that kind of attention for herself and her memory is getting really bad. It's so sad. Nothing to be done, I suppose, but just bear it. My father has put in for some family leave. He should just retire, and may have to soon, but I know he is afraid to. He loves his job and is a people person. He did not like being home when he retired the first time. My mom is getting to the point that she should not be alone as much as she is and I know it will be hard for my dad, both to quit his job, and to answer the same questions over and over all day. As for me, I am in the throws of menopause and hot flashing my butt off again this summer. I am tired all the time too and my brain is fuzzy as heck. Gosh, it isn't easy being a woman. Health-wise, Tim is doing well, with the exception of headaches, which I think are all stress related. His last check-up went well. His numbers stayed stable, even went down a smidge. At his prior appt. the doc said the recent shingles outbreak could have jumped them up a bit. That's about all that's new here. Same old, same old. I turned 48 in Chincoteague. I don't know how I got this old. Life just blew by me. Tim turns 50 in February. I don't know what to do for him. How do you have a party with none of his family there? We might take a vacation. None of us have ever been to an "island" so maybe that's what we'll do instead. I hate flying, but, it's his 50th, if that's what he wants, I'll suck it up. I'm also nervous about going to some island. When there are medical problems to consider, there's always the fear that something could happen and you're in this place that doesn't have great medical care. UGH, so hard not to think about all those "what ifs." Oh well, as my sister says, "jump off that bridge when you get to it."
In some way, our summer has already ended. Liv started with cheerleading practice last Monday. She is also coaching for the recreation league again this year so we went right back to schedules and running around, even though there were 4 weeks left before school starts. Not happy about that. High school is a whole other ball game when it comes to being involved in sports. It is a crazy amount of time commitment. Anyway, hope y'all are enjoying your summer.

I'm pretty sure vacations are not supposed to go like this................

So, we did our annual trek to Cape May with my parents for the July 4th week. We left on Monday morning and came home yesterday afternoon(Friday). We try to avoid travelling the Garden State Parkway, or a better name would be "Garden State Parking Lot," on the summer weekends. Last year's trip was rough.
My mom's memory is getting worse quickly and she does not want to go to the beach anymore, preferring so stay by the pool at the motel. She burst into tears one day while we were talking, apparently forgetting that Tim is not cured of his MM. Also, Tim was having neuropathy in his calves and feet and informed me that it had been going on for some time. A depressing vacation, to say the least.

This year, my younger sister came with her husband and 2 kids, 10 and 6. We are trying to get these family trips in while my mom still can and Cathy has wanted to come down with us for a number of years. I was looking forward to redeeming last year's trip. Well, it was not to be. Me and Cathy are very close and crack each other up all the time. The weather was rainy though, Tim and Dad's golf game didn't happen, but we had gotten some beach time in by Wednesday afternoon, after being rained off the beach earlier that day. Wednesday night, we went to a restaurant on the bay called
Harpoon Henry's. We do this every year. They have a little street fair along the bay and fireworks
after sundown. We had to wait for a table so we sat outside by one of the bars and margaritas were abound. Not for me. I am the best designated driver, I don't drink at all and my sister was driving the other car and only had one. Tim and my brother-in-law Chris had several by the time we were done with dinner. After dinner, my mom spent a little while in the ladies' room and we were concerned her meal did not agree with her. My mom likes to eat, a little too much, actually she likes it a lot too much. I didn't eat at all at the restaurants. My stomach has been awful lately so I ate pasta before we went out and just enjoyed the company while everyone else ate.

After the meal, we walked out the side of the restaurant to see the fireworks. It was crowded. This is the only joint on that bay side and the streets were mobbed too. My sister noticed that it appeared my mom was not feeling well. We kept our eyes on her. She and my father were sitting on this little hill right outside the restaurant, next to the sidewalk. She stopped watching the fireworks and was looking down. I walked over and said, "Mom, are you OK?" She is unresponsive. I ask again, and she goes into what I'm pretty sure was a seizure and a stroke also crossed my mind. I yell out for someone to call an ambulance and say. "lay her down." We lay her back and she is out. She stops shaking and is completely motionless. Her skin is cold, like I never felt someone's skin before, and we can't see her breathing. Her face is waxy and we think she is gone. I'm thinking about James Gandolfini, who grew up just a few miles from my house. Tim and I had to drop his truck off for service and drove right past the funeral parlor during Mr. Gandolfini's wake, with all the dang news crews and their cameras all over. I'm thinking, this is it, big meal, heart attack, she's gone, right in front of 3 of her grandkids. I see no signs of life and say, "she needs CPR", and my dad says, "she's having a heart attack." He gives her 1 or 2 chest compressions and she starts vomiting, while unconscious and laying on her back. We roll her onto her side. It was the most horrific thing I've ever been through, with the exception of Tim's diagnosis. I look up and Olivia and my niece and nephew are crying. Cathy is starting to break down, and the stricken look on Tim's face says it all. We all think she is dying right there. A woman yells, "she's catching her breath" and my mom is choking and waking up. I'm asking if anyone is a doctor or medically trained. 2 men wind up checking my mom out, one is checking her carotid pulse, another is asking for a watch with a second hand and a flashlight to take her wrist pulse. I don't think they were doctors, but I wasn't checking credentials at this point. The one on her wrist assures us and my mom that her heart rate is good. They can't get an ambulance through the streets so they load her onto the back of a Polaris in a basket. Turns out, the rig made it through and they transfer her. I tell them my dad must be with her, as her memory is failing and she cannot answer for herself or make decisions so they bring him. My poor mom is a mess and out of it. My sis had my brother-in-law strip off his shirt and give it to my dad as he was a mess too and had to take his off. My little 6 year old nephew thought, OK we're taking off our shirts so he whipped his off too.
(the kid is all for clothing optional time) We now had to fight thru the traffic to get back to the hotel, drop the kids and husbands off, and Cathy jumps in my dad's car(he wanted his car at the hospital) and I jump in our truck and we're off to find the dang hospital. Ambulance then goes past our motel as we are packing clothes for my parents, finding my mom's medications list, and getting ready to leave. Turns out they'd stopped when EMT's arrived to get her on a heart monitor and start an IV. It was 45 minutes from the time this happened until they finally reached the hospital, which was about 15 miles or so from where we were when it happened. I'm driving up the GSP thinking that she might not make it to the hospital. I thought for sure she'd just had a heart attack or stroke. We all did. I know that seizures are common right before someone dies too, so I'm thinking this is really bad. We get to the hospital and things don't look too urgent. We're giving nurses the medications list,
and other information. I look at her monitor and think, "DANG, I bet I wouldn't even look that good on a monitor right now." Heart rate was fine, BP pretty darn good, oxygen sats good. A while later, the most gorgeous doctor I have ever met in my life comes in and says, "we call this Lobster House syndrome." That happens to be another restaurant my parents like to go to and just had several nights ago. He said, folks eat a big meal, after being in the sun all day, maybe have a cocktail(my mom hadn't) and all the blood is deferred to their GI tract and they faint. He says, "they throw up and it brings them back." OH IS THAT ALL?! Guy is cool as a cucumber. And we all thought she was dying. Gotta say, it looked that way to everyone present. I think this was a step up from a faint for sure though, but I suppose you can have a seizure when there is that little oxygen in your brain. After he walked away, I look at Cathy, she looked at me, it has to be said. I was like, "Mom, did you do this just so you could meet that doctor?" She laughed.
Cathy was like, "I think I feel something coming on, I may need medical help." OK so we were trying to lighten the mood. We desperately needed to and the guy was movie star, leading man, weak in the knees (us not him) gorgeous. Anyway, this was so horrific for all of us. Mercifully, my mother remembers none of it. The rest of us will never forget it. She spent the night, and had a multitude of tests, what I call, "cover our ass medicine" but, in truth, she is almost 72 and this is what they do with anyone who loses consciousness like that. The woman passed the tests pretty well, looks amazingly good on paper despite taking terrible care of herself. She will need to start meds for Type 2 diabetes though and a neurologist told her to stop taking the 23 milligram Aricept pills and go back to 10. Are you ready for why? Turns out the company that makes Aricept came out with a 23 milligram pill because the patent on the 10 milligram was running out. This doc says they tried to say the 23 mg. works better, but, meanwhile, it is giving patients a lot of GI troubles, (my mom has to take immodium all the time now) and it's probably not really working  much better for their memory, just giving them gut issues. There's your big pharma money making cr*p for ya right there. 23 mgs. so people don't buy the generic 10 mg and take 2. REALLY?!!! My mother has refused to see a neurologist for her memory issues and this is the problem when you have a primary care doc. prescribing meds that should be prescribed by a specialist who has more experience with them. My dad pulled an all nighter at the hospital. Cathy and I got home about 12:30 am. Cathy drove up in the morning and relieved him, I made him something to eat and forced him to take a nap. Tim drove me up to the hospital and I relieved Cathy and then they decided to spring her outta there, so Cat drove back after she fed her kids and we got her home(well, back to the motel) while we let my dad sleep. There will be a lot to do to turn her health around. Oral diabetes meds and major dietary changes if she wants to avoid this type of thing in the future. Her carotids have moderate plaque build-up and it means her heart vessels probably do too. We need to walk a thin line between scaring the heck out of her and making her take this seriously and knocking off the garbage diet and no exercise routine. My poor dad is just traumatized. It will be hard to put this scene in the rearview mirror, that's for sure. We are so lucky it was not worse and that we didn't lose her, but, it was indeed an incident we all wish we could delete from our "hard drives." So sad, so scary.
Wish the kids weren't there. Olivia said she really didn't see anything because of the crowd. I'm grateful for that.

So, there you have it: our vacation. I'm at a loss of words on how to wrap this up. It just was what it was. Onward.

Back in the New York-ish groove

Just got in from Florida last night. Boy, do I hate air travel. Firstly, not fond of flying to begin
with, but, what a hassle it all is. After missing a turn, getting lost, and then stuck in traffic, worried we might miss our plane, our flight last Thursday was delayed about an hour going down, and yesterday's was delayed 2 hours. We got to the airport early yesterday, not knowing how long the drive from Tim's uncle's place in Key Largo would take exactly, and didn't take off until 5 hours later. GRRRR.
BUT, am glad to have had safe flights and 10- 11 hours of hassle for 2 days sure beats 6  LONG days in the car, and checking in and out of 4 hotels, which is what we would've faced going down and back.  Oh and a word of caution, if you don't care to be felt up by someone after your metal scan, don't wear a blouse with "jewels" or sparkly things on it. Lesson learned. Woman told me she would have to pat me down in that area (see if I was smuggling a weapon in my bra, AS IF
a weapon would fit in this little thang!) I said, "have a party." I really didn't care but then she moved
toward my 15 y-o daughter when she came out of the scanner and this momma bear closed in. She glanced at the jewelry on her wrists and waived her by. Touching my kid like that woulda been a WHOLE other story and not something I woulda gone for without REAL good reason.

Anyhoo, we had a great trip. Our employee, who is like family to us, got married on the beach in
Fort Lauderdale, which was the reason for our trip. Very sweet but wow, all that work and planning
and it was over in 10 minutes. We partied on the terraces of the Harbor Beach Marriot. Nice place.
We stayed in Fort L. until Sunday and then went down to see Tim's Uncle Dave in Key Largo. Tim
and Liv swam with dolphins.They wanted to do this last time we were there in 2008, but the place was booked, so I made reservations in advance this time. Not much to do but relax and visit in Key Largo. Unless you're a boater, fisher, or diver, there's not a lot of other options there, but we were
there to see his uncle anyway. It was a teary good-bye yesterday. Love that man. He's "good people."

Tim and I have busy times ahead for us, and had a real busy spring leading up to it, so this was a great break from that. They have this thing called "Keys time" which is the slower pace things move
at in the Florida Keys and wow, do I get that, almost feel like my watch can't possibly work in
both places.

Our first, "can't get away from cancer moment" went like this, on the plane going down last Thursday.
There are 3 young kids sitting in front of us. A boy, the oldest, maybe 10 or 11, and his 2 younger sisters. Their mom is sitting across the aisle. They are watching the same thing on the TV. Youngest girl, maybe 4 or 5 says to her brother: "What's wrong with her?"

Bro: "she's sick."
Sis: "with what?"
Bro: "a disease."
Sis: "What kind of disease?"
Bro: "Cancer."
Sis: "What's cancer?"
Bro: "SHHH." He's trying to listen to the program and she won't stop talking.
Sis: "What is cancer?"
Bro: annoyed now. "It's nothing!!! I'll tell ya later."

Me, behind them, thinking, "well, kid, you got that part wrong, it certainly ain't nothing. Not from where I'm sitting. Man, we just can't get away from it, can we?" Unfortunately, it was just the first of many "cancer reminders." What can ya do? It's everywhere. Tim's uncle's wife, Carol, was not there this time, as she succumbed to ovarian cancer 2 summers ago. She and Tim were both on chemo when we visited back in '08.

But, we had a good trip, nonetheless. Tim loves any place there's a beach and Liv loves Florida and is threatening to move there now, or at least go to college there. I used to work for a woman whose daughter, also an only child, went to college there and liked Florida so much, she got a job after school and never came back home. UGH. I always wondered if my ex-boss and her husband ever moved there. When you have an only child, if you wanna be a part of their life, moving to the same area is always an option, I know some who've done that. I couldn't deal with the heat and the bugs. I don't really think Liv could either, but, if that's what she wants..................well TOUGH, she ain't getting it!!! Just kidding.

Oh well, back to the huge list of "apres holiday" chores. I'll see if I can figure out how to post some pics on here.

Latest appt.

Yesterday was Tim's 3 month check-up. This one was to set the tone for our summer, as well as our employee's wedding, which we are flying to Fort Lauderdale for in a month. Well, it was not what I wanted, but kinda what I expected. His Kappa number had been slowly creeping up, though still in the normal range. In Jan, it was 18+ with a the range ending at 19.4. This time it was out of range at 26+. His m-spike went from .15 to .20. IGG still in normal range but up a bit too. I, of course, am thinking relapse. His doctor says that the shingles infection raised all his immunoglobulins and so the bad will bump up with the good. He is not concerned. The Kappa/Lambda ratio actually is still in range but, I dunno, to me, it can't be good when your Kappas go out of range. As I've said before, I've been told that that is the first sign of relapse. The doctor describes his numbers as moving "glacially slow." He still said 3 months is fine for next appt. and said don't worry. Not really an option for me, but, nothing to be done about it anyway. What I do have to do though is kick myself in the arse and get moving and caught up around my house. Still haven't done a lot of things I said I was gonna do these last few years. Feel stuck in a rut. I have to get more organized because searching for important papers and such will not be easy when/if Tim goes back on treatment and I am in full caregiver mode again.

On other news, Liv is in the middle of her softball season. It has been an eye opening experience. My brother-in-law warned me that high school sports would not be as fun as recreation league sports. Boy, was he right. I thought the guy who ran the softball program seemed so nice. He's not. He tries to be charming, but, on the field, he's a different guy. We've lost girls from the program who quit because of him and some of the girls playing for the varsity team he heads up, can't stand him. His wife coaches JV and we have a freshman coach, a nice man I know well from church. They all have to follow the orders from this top guy though and the things he does are just wrong. We are not happy that our daughter is being "over-pitched" and being left as the only pitcher for both the freshman and JV team, while he takes 3 pitchers with him to every varsity game. OH, and he already took our good freshman catcher to varsity, leaving us with a bad one, that he will now take to all JV games played on the same day as freshman games so Liv will pitch for frosh(is the only freshman who can pitch) and will have a girl catching who has never done it before. Not only is this not fair, as he takes 3 catchers with him to his varsity games too, but this idiot is going to get someone hurt. You do not start a girl catching, at the high school level, who has never caught before, if you can help it. Liv does not throw super fast, but she does take lessons and throws 40+ mph and you also have a bat swinging in your face as you are catching that ball. We do not have enough girls, or pitching, for 3 teams. He shoulda combined the freshman and JV team. Anyway, with cancellations, we avoided Liv playing too many games this past week, but, if he tries to make her pitch 3 or 4 games in a 5 or 6 day stretch, I'm gonna have to put my foot down. It's too much on her arm, and too much pressure for a 14 y-o. Aside from one game, when she was exhausted, she has pitched great. She has a lot of strikeouts, as well as caught pop-ups and throw outs at bases. In 2 games, where she pitched 6 innings, she made 12 of the 18 outs. The other day, we played 3 innings in the rain. She struck out 6, and threw out 2, making 8 of the 9 outs herself. But, the poor kid wants to play other positions, is sick of just pitching. Only other girl who can pitch, albeit badly, was benched for going on a school trip, and now is out for medical reasons. I never relax when my kid is pitching. Would rather her play other positions too. Gotta just take things one day at a time.
Playing another JV game today with our freshman team, which just stinks, especially since we have 3 girls who never played ball before. OY! I hate this, but I'll be glad when we're thru this season, and I don't know if she'll want to continue these next few years after seeing how mean the head guy is. I don't want her pitching for him at the varsity level. He is awful to his girls. Can't stand coaches who can't leave their egos off the field and put the kids first. REALLY can't stand it.

Anyway, that's about it. Making vacation plans. May, wedding and vacation in Florida. July will see us at our yearly trek to Cape May, with my sister Cathy and her family coming too this year, which will be a treat. Then, it looks like we will not be going to VT or NH this August, but back to Chincoteague instead. Tim just loves that place now. I'm surprised. There is NO night life and it's just a small little community with not much going on, but, give that boy a beach and he's happy.

Life's a beach!  ;o)

Happy Spring!

The next time I see that Easter Bunny...............

I'm gonna get him in my cross-hares and shoot the sumbitch. Well, again, Easter bad luck rears its ugly head. As a kid, I hated this holiday because we always got the stomach flu around that time.
In 2008, Tim got a horrible stomach bug for Easter. This year, he went to the hospital Easter Sunday with a bad case of disseminated shingles, which is fancy talk for shingles that went systemic, so it's like having the shingles and the chicken pox version of the virus at the same time. As Tim would say, "go big or go home."  I saw
a bright red patch on the back of his leg Sat. We had our niece's(and Goddaughter's) communion service that night. When Tim got dressed for bed, he had blemishes on his body and I gave him an acyclovir pill from the old stash just in case. By morning, I knew. Off to the ER cause doc's aren't open on Easter Sunday. They transferred him via ambulance to the main campus where his onc's are
and he was put on an acyclovir drip. They had no private rooms open in the entire hospital(he was in an isolation room of the ER 'cause it's contagious) and he was stuck in an expanded area of the ER since 3:30 Monday morning. NO private bathroom. He's sick and immunocompromised and he's using the same bathroom everyone in the ER is using. Walked thru a puddle of urine in his socks  Monday night.
There is no cell phone service in this ER. Half underground and they have one phone they let patients use for a short time. He got really sick Monday night. Bad headache and nausea. Tried to get them to let him use the phone for 3 hours to get me. They were not bringing him meds, delivered a cream that was ordered for him at noon at MIDNIGHT. Waiting hours for tylenol. I had only 4 hours sleep the night before and he called me at 12:15 Monday night ready to get up and walk out of the hospital. I jumped in the car and raced down there. Banged some heads, as diplomatically as possible. Called the on-call doc at the cancer center and said, "I want him in the ICU or something. He's at risk for encephelitis, has a headache and nausea, and they're not taking care of him in the ER and he's walking thru other people's urine to use a dirty, germ-filled bathroom. NOT ACCEPTABLE.
The doc tried but there was just no rooms in that hospital to be had. They are expanding, but not fast enough. I got him in an isolation room in the ER before I went back home at 3 am so he at least had his own bathroom. I think that was only because a patient died. UGH. They cleaned the room and then I went in there afterward with my antibacterial wipes and did it again. On Tuesday evening, they finally got him a room. It was the top floor, corner suite overlooking the NYC skyline and the runway for a small, local airport. It was a great room, best in the hospital, no doubt, crazy view, and the nurses were falling all over themselves to be nice to him. Monday night, he's ready to walk outta there, now, he didn't want to come home. Full menu to order whatever he wanted to eat. I mean, Jeez, he doesn't get this at home! On Wed. I went there to get him showered up. I thought, make him look good for when the infectious disease doc gets here and maybe he'll get sprung. Well, it worked, though I'm sure it was just that his lesions had all scabbed up. They released him and we had our daughter's first JV softball game to get to so they did the fastest discharge job ever. He spent 4 more days on high dose Valtrex and will now take 1-400mg. acyclovir pill for a very long time. It was a scary thing. I did a search on disseminated shingles and it can attack your organs, liver, lungs, brain. GREAT. It was an exhausting week, running back and forth to the hospital, getting Liv where she needed to be with school and softball, keeping the home fires burning and fielding business calls, etc.
Glad it's over. Tim feels OK but is very tired. He is VERY busy at work and this just jammed him up even more. He went to work on Friday, after resting up on Thurs. and doing phone calls, but it's exhausting for him. Like Lorna says, why can't we hit the lottery, so that we at least don't have to worry about money on top of worrying about MM. It's only fair, doncha think? So, that's the latest chapter in our MM journey. Not a pleasant one, but, I'm always saying, "it could be worse." I try to be grateful for the things that do go right. The medication worked, he recovered quickly, he seems to have no sign of post-herpatic neuralgia. Now, if our daughter doesn't come down with chicken pox in these next 3 weeks, I will be very grateful! And, if spring would just get here, maybe my mood will be better, cause us Jersey folk REALLY need to feel some sunshine and warmth around here.

You are who you hang around with

Yesterday, I went to our MM support group meeting. It's a small group. When we don't have speakers, it's very small (6-8 people). When we do have speakers, we can have 20 or more.
Yesterday's group was small. A policeman from a town near me did the race up the Empire State Building steps in NYC and raised money for the MMRF. He came and told us about his experience. Nice guy. Does not have a personal connection to MM, but his mom is fighting lung cancer, and his life was not going well(health was deteriorating and going through a divorce) and he decided to turn things around. Stopped smoking(he's an asthmatic, aren't we all in Jersey) and started working out and eating right. Dropped 40 pounds and got his bloodwork back to healthy levels. He is very excited to be taking on this cause of MM awareness and fundraising and is getting to know us, as well as our head nurse. Now, here's a guy who just wants to put good out into the world. Wants to make a difference. Then, a couple came to the meeting who normally doesn't come because the wife works part time. She wants to do an MM 5K in NJ. There is one in April in Philadelphia that I've never made it to, and one in CT. But Jersey is such a populated state, and we have so many MM'ers here.
She has MM and recently lost a friend, a man with MM who was an avid runner. She and his widow decided to take up this cause. Our group is in. We are going to try to get the first one up and running in time to
do it this fall. We will then make it an annual event. I got in my car to drive home yesterday and thought to myself how great I felt. What a pleasure it is to spend 90 minutes with such wonderful people. I mean, 3 of these women have cancer(the rest of us are spouses) and this guy just went through a disappointing divorce where his wife moved out of state with his little boy. And what are they doing with their lives? Giving back. Paying forward. Making a difference in the lives of OTHERS.
I silently chastised myself for spending far too much time with toxic people who began to rub off on me and made my life more difficult than it already was. I vowed that I won't make that mistake again. Once you get a bit older, realize life is short, and start meeting a better class of people, you realize that your life will reflect who it is you spend your time with. Choose wisely.

Valentines and angels among us

It's been a tough week or so. A rough patch with my Valentine, a bad economy that is not seeming
to ease. Lots of  other things to worry this already worrisome mind too. But, things always look darkest before
the dawn. Went to church yesterday for Ash Wednesday. It was a good sermon and it spoke words
I needed to hear. I came out rejuvenated and feeling my burden lighten just a bit. Then, I went to tai chi this morning. A few ladies I know from church go. It's very relaxing. I am the youngest one there,
but that never bothered me any. I love being around people older than me and here's one reason why. A recently widowed woman from church introduced me to her friend, Madeline. During the break, halfway through the class, Madeline and I wound up in a conversation that went from one subject to another. Eventually, she told me her daughter died of pancreatic cancer after suffering miserably for 2 years. Even later in the conversation, she told me
that her son had died in an accident at 22 and her husband died of a stroke, after spending 2 months in a coma, before her daughter died. (OK I know this is getting depressing, but it gets better).  I asked if she had any other children, she said no.(I don't know why my print changed and darned if I can figure how to change it back), Her daughter had been divorced when she got sick and lived with her with her 2 college aged children, so she saw her through this awful illness and then kept her grandkids with her after she passed. Awful. This woman's life was just one tragedy after another.

BUT, what a survivor. She told me she is 85. She looks incredible, takes care of herself, and is in great shape. She still cherishes her life, regardless of what happened. Heck, she still dyes her hair blonde, I'm guessing going for that "have more fun" thing. I told her about Tim, how he'd been diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago and that we have a 14 year-old. She said a lot of supportive things to me. She said that bad things happen but God gives us the strength to go on. She said you not only do it for you kids, you do it for yourself. She told me that when her son was killed she wanted to curl up and die, but she had a daughter to take care of and she eventually got on with living. She said she is still not planning to go anywhere for a long time, at least until her great-granddaughter is in school. Then she told me, as we were about to start the 2nd half of the class, "I don't want to be sick, I'd like to just go to sleep one night and not wake up," and with a wink as she got back into her spot to start the exercise, she said, "I think God owes me that."

AT the end of the class, our instructor wished us all a happy Valentine's day and reminded us to tell people we love them. Then she said, "tell everyone." So, some friends and some just aquaintences started telling each other that. I exchanged "I love yous" with 2 of my church buddies. Then Madeline sought me out, hugged me, told me she loved me and said something supportive to me that I can't even recall already, I was just so amazed by her. I replied in kind and told her I was so happy to have
met and talked to her today.

Ya know, some days, people seem to be put in your path for a reason. The human spirit can survive even the most horrible of tragedies. This woman told me that her faith sustained her. As I go through this hard time in my life, and deal with things that most 47 year-olds don't have to deal with, it inspires me to meet people like this. It gives me hope. It also humbles me, but most of all, it reminds me that you meet people all the time that teach you lessons. Some people hurt you and you learn from it, but, mercifully, God also sends you people who heal you. Madeline did that for me today.

Forgiveness

From Colossians 3:12-14
I believe these words are attributed to Paul.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these
virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Tim's friend, Ron, lost his dad 2 weeks ago. It was/is a very sad thing. He was only 73 and died in his sleep of a heart attack. What made it even worse is that noone was home with him. His wife, Ron's stepmother, was away on a trip. After several days of not being able to contact him, she called their daughter to go check on him. Very unfortunate circumstances, to be sure. She found him, after he'd been gone for 4 days.
Tim went to the wake last Monday, and I went with him to the funeral on Tuesday. The service was held in the Catholic church that I grew up in. I must say, the priest performed the absolute best sermon I have ever heard at a funeral. He did not know Ron's dad, who is from this area but has lived in Myrtle Beach, SC for years. He still did a fantastic job of comforting the family. He spoke of God's promise of eternal life and mentioned, and recommended, a book writtten by a woman, an orthopedic surgeon, who drowned on a canoe trip to Peru or somewhere and came back to life. I plan to read the book, (To heaven and back), but it is currently checked out of our library. He said that God expects us to TRY to be a good person. He emphasized try. He said we all fall short, but we have to try to do the right things, treat people the right way, and believe in Him and we are promised that we don't die. The priest prefers the term "pass on" instead of "pass away" because he said that Ron(Tim's friend is named after his dad) is not gone, though he may be away from us, he is still living. The above passage was read during this funeral service. I thought, "uh oh, this is that thing I have such a hard time with." Forgiveness- I guess a lot of us struggle with that. Tim had talked to Ronny privately the night before at the wake. Ron told him that he had had some real heart-to-heart talks with his dad just recently and his dad had been up to visit just 2 weeks prior and came with him to play darts one night at a men's club, his dad filling in for a guy who couldn't make it that night. He felt grateful, but also a bit spooked, that these things had just happened and then his dad dies unexpectedly. He also told Tim that he should try to patch things up with his family. Tim said, "Ron, I can appreciate how you feel, but this isn't just 1 or 2 things that happened here. It's been 20+ years  of bullsh*t going on. It's just not that easy." Ron understood. Near the end of the funeral service, Ron's half sister, who found her father, got up and did the prayers part where she would say what we were praying for and the people replied after each line. The last line she said was the only one she faltered on. She said, "for those who have been hurt by family" and then she broke down. The priest was nearby, ready to step in, but gave her a minute. She took a few deep breaths, tried again, had to take a few more, and squeaked her way through that last line. I don't remember the line exactly, but it was something to the effect of "may they be moved to forgiveness and healing." YIKES!!!! I don't know if there were issues between her and her dad or what, but she definitely lost it on that point. I thought that maybe I have to try  harder to soften my heart. I feel sorry for certain people in Tim's family. I consider that a form of forgiveness. They are very unhappy people. They will never be satisfied in life because they focus on the wrong things as far as what they think will make them happy. Material things, trying to out-do everyone around them. The problem with them is that they can't so they set about tearing everyone else down, in a "misery loves company" type of thing. Instead of improving their lives and working on their contentment with themselves, they'll just rip everyone else to pieces so they can feel better. I just don't know how you forgive people who set out to make everyone around them miserable AND don't stop. Tim's parents have lost countless friends over the years and now their son, and granddaughter, yet, I don't think any of them have changed their M.O's at all. I'm not sure they're even sorry for what they did and said. I think they're just mad that there were consequences and blaming me and Tim for not putting up with it anymore. My pastor said to me, shortly after this happened, that you can work on forgiveness but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself back out there to be mistreated again. He said there is nothing wrong with self-preservation. I personally believe self preservation is the most basic of instincts to all living creatures. So, how do you forgive people who are continuing to abuse you? who hurt your husband at the worst time of his life, who kicked our family when we were already down, repeatedly, and continue to behind our backs? The therapist I used to see is convinced that they consciously or sub-consciously took themselves out of our lives to  avoid the future pain that may be involved and to spare themselves of having their own lives negatively affected by our situation. How do you make room for people like that in your life when you're already dealing with so much hardship, and you know that they will continue to make things worse for you? I don't know. I just don't. I try to find some way to see that "they knew not what they did" but that's hard to convince myself of. They did, they really knew what would happen if they didn't stop doing what they were doing to me/us. They continued anyway, his father and sister-in-law most notably. The things that were said were said for no other reason than to hurt me as badly as they possibly could. Despite this being the worst time in my life too, there was not an ounce
of empathy in these people, not one iota, and that is just something that Tim and I cannot wrap our brains around. So, I will continue to work on being a forgiving person. I hope that God will see my heart and know how much I struggle and try. An important person in my life told me not long ago that I didn't have a mean bone in my body. I disagreed. This person knows all these players and what happened and when I mentioned that, this person said, "while you may have taken a stand against someone, it was always because you were being gentle to someone else." What they meant was I did it to protect my husband and daughter. As a wife, mom, and now caregiver, they HAVE to be my first priority. They are. So, FORGIVENESS, it's a tough one, probably the hardest thing us mere mortals are asked to do in this life. "Forgive as the Lord forgave you." I guess I'm hoping that God is a heckuva lot better at it than I am. I'm sure He is. I will continue to TRY.

2013

Well, I guess we're off to a good start this year. Tim had his check-up yesterday. I was more nervous than usual. I saw that his kappa number had risen by about 3 points at his last appointment. I was told some time ago that the free-lites going out of range would be the first sign of relapse. I thought
for sure they'd be out of range now. They were not, but did rise to 18. 19 is the end of the normal range. The head nurse told me to stop worrying, that a few points over 6 months meant nothing to them. Doc said it was not a problem too. His other numbers all look good and M-spike stayed stable at .15. We are very relieved. His red, white, and platelet counts looked really good and I'm convinced it's because work slowed up and his body has gotten a LONG needed rest. The nurse pulled me into a separate room to tell me that a woman from our support group died, so that did put a definite damper on this appt. She did not want to talk of people dying in front of Tim but mentioned that our office has had a very tough time of
it lately and quite a few patients passed away. This SUCKS to hear, to know, to think about. I appreciate that she did this privately with me and I did not tell Tim, said it was just support group talk. There are 3 docs in this practice now and we've seen all of them and formed relationships with them. The 2 we were not seeing yesterday, stopped what they were doing to visit with us, ask Tim how he was, and catch up a bit.
Everyone there is SO nice. We've formed great relationships with so many people. I realized after we left that these people gravitated to him/us while we were there. One doc stopped in the middle of a dictation when he saw us and came into our room to chat. The other was on his way into another room and stopped to check in. I think it raises these guys' spirits to see Tim. It must be SO hard what they do. Seeing people die. Feeling so helpless, at times. I think it's a shot in the arm for them to see patients doing well and living a fulfilling life.
Tim is definitely a success story to them. We feel very blessed to spend most of his appts. joking with his doctors and we take an interest in THEIR lives too and ask about them and their families. After we were done joking around, Tim got his Zometa infusion and we were off for home. I'm breathing a lot easier now.

So, it's back to the rock pile here. I am pushing myself to do things around the house and catch up. Things I will not mention because I was probably posting about them the last 1 or 2 years and am embaressed to say have not accomplished them. I will have much more time to myself now that Tim and I are not coaching softball. Liv is playing for the high school team, and aside from taking her to pitching lessons and practicing with her at home, we get to sit on the bleachers and take it all in now. Huzzah!

 On the family front, the news is still hard. My mom's memory is failing very quickly despite only being 71. SO sad. Just trying to deal with that as best I can. Nothing to be done about it. We still have almost no contact with Tim's family. We took Olivia

to her cousin's college graduation party 2 weeks ago so she could see her cousins and Tim's family. Tim did not even want to go inside. I walked her in and we went home, picking her up later. Congratulated our niece, who came outside to see us(love that kid) and that was that. Very sad state of affairs, but his family's behavior is STILL horrible and we have written them off. It takes a certain kind of person to kick people who are down, even worse to keep doing it, to have it be family members is hard to wrap our brains around but that is what we're dealing with here and we don't want to hang with people like that. They've done so much more harm than good to us and we know now that they can't/won't change and we're not willing to open ourselves up to that kind of treatment again.

So, we are happy to have another 3 month reprieve. Tim, Olivia, and I are like the 3 Musketeers and are VERY close. We're just doing our thing. Coping pretty well despite it all and trying to be grateful each day. I told Tim in 2007 that if he thought he was bailing out on me to leave me to raise a teenage daughter by myself, he was NUTS and I was not letting him off the hook. It's almost 6 years since his diagnosis now, and we're doing it, raising a teenage daughter. So far, it's not so bad. She's a good kid, just whines if you try to take her picture, HATES everything I pick out, doesn't listen to us for beans, and wants everything her friends have. Other than that, she's driving me crazy PERFECT.  Hoping 2013 is a great year for y'all!!!!