Moving on?................. well trying to anyway.

It's going to be a busy season around our house. We are hosting Thanksgiving. Then we have a party on the first Sat. of Dec. which coincides with our town holiday parade and tree lighting. And, now we will be doing Christmas Eve at our house instead of Christmas morning brunch. My parents have done CE for years but it is too much for my mom now even though we all cook and bring stuff. We will not be going to Tim's parents' house for Christmas day and will be going to my sister's instead. Though
we know Tim's family is going to crucify us over this, we are looking forward to a stress-free Christmas with no arguing or ugliness and there is something to be said for that after many years of the opposite. My therapist asked me why we were not relieved and celebrating being able to opt out of the holidays and vacations now. I said, "having your parents and siblings betray you is not an easy thing to swallow, especially when you have cancer and face your mortality every moment." I told Tim later about what she said and he said he did feel relief about that as soon as it all happened. I think we all knew this would blow up eventually and now it has. Though they will blame us for everything for bucking their system(what else is new), we won't blame ourselves for salvaging our holiday and vacation memories now.  It is still hard to deal with what happened. Wish I was doing a better job of spamming it but this is his family and he is so mad/hurt and that affects me. It is really disappointing to see people stoop to levels you thought were above them and say things that just can't be taken back. I don't know how we can look them in the eyes after that mess and cannot help but think they are subconsciously taking themselves out of our lives because they don't want to be around later if things get worse. Tim has been right on when it comes to knowing his family and what they would do. I gave too much credit to some and I guess didn't want to believe they were this bad. However, neither of us expected them to back out and not be there for him/us through the hardest time of our lives. When my therapist asked me why I was surprised after all these years of knowing what they were like, that's what I told her. I actually think that guilt over that has a lot to do with why they are lashing out in anger and had to take a cheap shot at my family during the fight. My family has been there for us, from the very beginning. His sister called and left a message for Tim on his cell phone. His brother-in-law called and I talked to him for about an hour. We respect him. He did not grow up with this lunacy so he sees it for what it is. And I was glad to be able to tell him the TRUTH of what happened as so many people in Tim's family are honesty-challenged and no matter how much you try to thicken your skin, noone likes to be lied about or held responsible for things they did not do or say. My therapist wondered if they're trying to come between me and Tim. Who knows what drives these people but they have no chance of that. For one thing, there is no ball and chain on Tim. If he thinks he would be happier with someone else, he's free to go and he knows that. Life is short. It's not that we are not committed to this marriage, we are, but we CHOOSE to be together and his happiness means more to me than my own and I don't want to hold him back from being the happiest he can be, especially living with cancer, as he does. I just tell him that he has to make sure he ditches me for someone who is filthy rich or at least has great health insurance!  The boy has gone a bit "high maintenance" doncha know. ;o) But, he doesn't seem to be going anywhere and in the last 4 1/2 years, he has certainly learned who "has his back" and has been there for him, hasn't he. Our marriage isn't perfect but it's pretty darn strong and we are definitely gonna make it.
When he was first diagnosed, I couldn't promise much about what the future held. Heck, I didn't even understand what we were dealing with at that point, but I told him flat out that he would never go through anything alone and I would be right next to him for everything. I don't break promises. So anyway, back to our "normal" life. Olivia just finished her soccer season(they took division championship) and football cheering. She will be very busy with her cheer/dance team practices and competitions from now until March. AND, we may be going to Disney World with my family at the end of January. I hate to fly but this is the first chance to be with them all  there since we went 30 years ago this past week. Mom's memory seems to be slipping even worse so we have to do these things now. As always, I am not finding the time to take better care of me or catch up around the house but hope to get on top of it all sometime this winter. I've learned to roll with things better. The tree through the rental could have been worse. Everything is relative. I
just keep my chin up as much as possible and face whatever comes. In some ways, being a caregiver shows you what you're made of. One can never imagine how you would cope with something. Looking back, I can't believe what we've been through and somehow, we're still standing. I look at us three now and think,
wow, we are pretty strong people. What a team. I've learned so much these last years. Some good lessons there but some really hard ones too. You see the worst of people but thank God, you see the best of folks too. It's one thing to learn things about others that you didn't know, but I think I've learned even more about myself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I just try to make sure the good outweighs the rest by as far a margin as I can manage.

It's such a self-righteous sounding quote but I still love it:

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

I guess it's a good thing it's Thanksgiving time. There will be a lot less turkeys hanging around.