It is what it is

I started going to a therapist a few months ago. I had a disastrous stab at this 3 years ago and figured I'd
find someone else and give it another go. She's nice. A transplanted Brit. My sister just asked me how it's going and I don't really know if it's helping me. I mean, after 4 1/2 years of being on the MM roller coaster, I've learned a thing or
two about what you have to do to be able to function while living in this bad dream. There's nothing this woman can say to me that changes my situation. Life is a constant struggle of trying
to live in the moment. Kids do this with flair. Adults, and more to the point, those of us prone to worry in the
first place, have a hard time of it. There are financial concerns that force you to think about the future.
MM did not hit us in our retirement with monthly incomes, paid off homes, and medicare on board.  PS tells me that of course
you have to deal with practical matters but any other time you find yourself thinking about the future, just tell yourself, "you can't go there." Well, I do, but there's an underlying level of depression that is always there when you live like this. I don't know how long I will continue to see her. Sure she
makes a suggestion here or there, but it's rarely anything I haven't thought of, I'm just more likely to do it because she may ask me if I did at the next appt. We lost a wonderful woman from our support group a few weeks ago. When you have constant reminders of what is really going on in your life, there's no running from the truth. I
had meant to start keeping in touch with her via e-mail between meetings but when I finally did, her son replied to tell me she had passed away. We lost a man too. Pretty darn sobering.
I still recall reading 2 or 3 years ago that some doctors/researchers think we'll have the cure for MM within 10 years. I don't know how you make a guess like that but if it's true that a cure is on the horizon, I sure hope they hurry. I know that allos can cure but not often enough. A certain MM spec. says he's curing
some folks of MM without an allo but I suppose we need time to see if that's true. In the meantime, it is painful and so sad to see people do poorly and lose their battle with this damned disease. I don't know what it is about falling asleep. Maybe you let your defenses down or something, but that is when I can suddenly wake with overwhelming emotions of fear and grief about what we're dealing with. I start to tear up and have to stop my thoughts immediately as it feels like I'll fall right down into a hole I can't get out of. Tim goes for his appts. this coming month. These 3 month intervals are a Godsend. Not that I forget about MM for even a day, but there was a time when we felt like all we did was truck back and forth to his oncologist and sit in that waiting room. We know what it's like to be in active treatment and have Tim fighting for his life. Now, we know what it's like to have a time of remission. It's like all the cliches, " the calm before the storm", "waiting for the other shoe to drop." No matter what, you are caught in a hyper alert stance, though I honestly think Tim does an incredible job of pushing MM from his mind. Wish I was as good at that. I am as relaxed as I think I can get under the circumstances. Many people tell me they're amazed at how I hold up. Well, falling apart completely( in private, when he was first dx'ed and for a long time afterward) was not much fun and it's not a place you can function well from. I wonder sometimes if we are passing up the opportunity to cure Tim. His sis is an HLA match. There are things that could happen to her medically that would make her unable to donate. We're not getting any younger. Since being tested 4 years ago, she has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and hypothyroidism.
Tim's doc says these don't matter but there are other things that do.Should we be doing this now while he is strong and has very minimal disease, and she is healthy? Probably, but it's hard to make that decision when things are going smoothly. Heck, it's hard to make that decision anytime. So, we plug along. Take each day as it comes. As always, being grateful for the positives and trying not to dwell on the negatives. Tim stays super busy at work which is a huge help to him mentally. I drag my feet doing things I don't want to do and
then get so behind, it's ridiculous. The time flies. Before we know it, it will be Christmas. We are 4 1/2  years into this journey and I know we are incredibly blessed that Tim defied the odds that his docs had given him. Just wish I could slow things down a bit, but speed up that cure thing, but like all things, it is what it is. We wait and we pray.