The art of functional denial

A few years ago, a man whose son has neuroblastoma posted a question on the MM listserv I read, and
I have followed this man's blog about his son and family ever since. Now, while our situation seems like a
nightmare, I don't for a second think it comes close to the pain of having a child with an incurable cancer.
I remember, very vividly, the day Olivia was rushed to an emergency sonagram at 3 y.o. to rule out a mass  on her kidney when she started urinating blood. I BEGGED God to spare her and if one of us had to have cancer, make it me and not her.
I do find myself in a bit of a similar position as this man though, in that his child has defied the odds and had a very long stable period, as Tim has as well. We are both in a holding pattern and trying to live as normally as possible despite cancer looming in our lives. He blogged about his really tough past weekend. His dog is dying of cancer and another boy with NB has died. It's so hard not to think about
what lay ahead for his child and family when these reminders come punching through. I spoke to my therapist recently about Tim's attitude as well as my own and she used the phrase, "functional denial." She went on to say that we all know we're going to die someday, but
there is a part of us that doesn't truly believe it or think it will happen for SO long, that we're able to avoid thinking about it enough to go about our merry way.When you have cancer, and one that is not cured at a high rate, one way to deal with it is to use denial to get through the day. As a spouse, this is what I do and Tim relies on it heavily. You have to function so you try to forget what is happening.  I "put off" thinking about it.I cling mightily to the things that are positive and try to force the negatives from my thoughts. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect science. There are constant reminders of what is really going on in your life. Oct., being breast cancer awareness month, is a biggie. Seeing others with cancer do poorly, hits way too close to home. My therapist just tells me I "can't go there" when I start thinking of what our future might hold. It's impossible not to sometimes. I've thought a lot about why I do this. I guess the real reason is obvious, Fear. But I also think that you feel you are preparing yourself in some way. The problem with that is it's delusional. There is no way to prepare for what you don't know. There is no way to prepare for losing someone. And, as you go through these horrific scenerios in your head of what the end might be like, you are making yourself live through the grief and misery of something that is NOT happening now and indeed may not happen anywhere's close to what you are imagining. As one MM wife said once, "there will be plenty of time for weeping and wailing later."  There is a time for everything. We have to try not to grieve for a person who is alive. As a caregiver, I've got to do my best to live each moment with as much joy as I can possibly muster for as long as I can for Tim's sake, Olivia's and my own. I remind myself, "don't borrow grief from the future." Or to quote my sister again, "jump off that bridge when you get to it."
There's a Bon Jovi song that goes, "it's my life, it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just wanna live while I'm alive." And as far as dying goes, I won't pretend that I know what Tim thinks and feels in those dark moments. I've had plenty of bad health scares in my life but it's not nearly the same as what he is dealing with. There are a few things that give me a modicum of peace when I think about dying. I had an uncle who died of a massive heart attack as my aunt was pulling into a hospital parking lot with him. She ran in the ER door screaming for help and went to the car and did CPR until they were able to "paddle" him back to life. He made her promise NEVER to have him revived again no matter what. He said, "the dying was the easy part, it was the coming back that was so hard." Now please don't think I am making light of this in any way, but he is the only person I know personally who has died and come back and I will never forget that he said that.
Also, there was the time I saw a woman on Oprah who was dying of breast cancer. She was making videos for her daughter to watch as she got older and came to certain milestones in her life. She told her about boys,make-up and everything she wanted to tell her, on those tapes, before she died. She said that the best thing that had happened to her was that she had gone into cardiac arrest at one point in her journey and had been revived. She had seen the other side and now lived with absolutely no fear of dying. She knew she'd be OK and her kid and husband would be too. She was actually grateful it had happened because it totally changed how she was able to live the rest of her time here. She was at peace and not afraid. What a blessing to have no fear  . After Tim was diagnosed, I found myself reading up on things like this. I was reading anything I could get my hands on about dealing with tragedy and, yes, even dying. It didn't help much but I did read one book  that made an impact on me. "Embraced by the Light." It was a short book about a woman who had died, for quite a bit of time too, and come back to life. Her doctor, if I recall, even wrote something for this book because he had never witnessed someone be gone for that long and come back. It was a documented case and not just a momentary thing. She wrote about her experience and I found it pretty helpful to read. I wonder sometimes why God would allow people to be so fearful of death. I mean, really, it can be so overwhelming and really keep us from living fully at times. Maybe we're not supposed to be and it's just us, but it sure seems like it would have all been designed a bit better if we were not supposed to be afraid. The only answer I have ever come up with that makes even the slightest bit of sense to me is that if we were not, we would not value our life as much and see it for the gift that it is meant to be. If we all knew, without any doubt, how marvelous it was to be in Heaven, we'd probably off ourselves at the first sign of difficulty here on earth. The not knowing is where faith comes in. We're asked to believe without proof. It is my own personal belief though that there are some people who really are mediums. I'm not talking about those 1-800 number deals. I mean people who really do have this ability, some having been studied and tested. I think God put them here to remind us of what he promised. That dying is not the end. I'm actually going to a lecture on Friday that will be given by a medium. As always, I'm a bit skeptical, but we'll see if he seems legit. Anyhow, sorry for the serious subject matter. Reading this man's blog always makes me ask those "why" questions and then try harder to live for today. If he and his family can do it, I've got no excuse not to.