Thanks for the comments folks. I have been unable to figure out how to go private with this blog and add folks to an "approved list". To be honest, the reason I don't want to is that there is myeloma stuff buried in the content of this blog(mostly older posts while Tim was in treatment) and I feel that if anyone could be helped by anything written here, going private would limit not only that but also the amount of people I could "meet" in blogland who walk the same path as us. Since I am as honest as the day is long, if someone in Tim's family saw things written here, well, it's all true and judging from the stuff they said to us on Sunday, they know nothing about our lives anymore and maybe they need a dose of reality. They were given every opportunity to be involved with us, they either screwed things up for us or backed out because they had more important things to do.With few exceptions, they make no time for Tim or our family, despite his health problem. They were warned that we were not going to continue to take the father's abuse on top of all that we are dealing with. He just kept pushing it. Rules of polite society don't apply to them. There's no place for reality or personal responsibility in their world. They screw up-they look for someone to blame it on. In my mind, you cannot even call yourself a grown-up until you are capable of taking responsibility for your actions and your words. Period.
I've sucked up as much as I could to keep the peace in this family. I hit my limit a long time ago. They do not even have a clue about half the things Tim and I have been through because I wanted to spare his parents the pain of knowing what I knew. Now, the added stress of the family fights is affecting my health and my quality of life too much, as well as those of my husband and daughter. Our sister-in-law has spent close to 30 years pitting the people in this family against each other and nobody sees this for exactly what it is except Tim and I and people outside this family looking in. Well, she got her wish. She succeeded in dividing and conquering and it is really amazing what one toxic person, even one who is not too smart, can cause in a family. There are people lying, twisting facts, backstabbing, tearing others down to try to make themselves feel better about their shortcomings, blaming others for their own behavior. Tim's parents don't even know what the truth is now. Because Tim and I refused to engage in this mess or cry to his parents and defend ourselves, they have half stories from people who twist the truth and now they have put 2 & 2 together and come up with 173. Now, they are all spouting their mouthes off with incorrect information and making judgements based on all this drivel. The sis-in-law ruined a precious day for our family almost 2 years ago and after years of her insults and watching her screw over everyone in this family, we said, "enough" and now we are being blamed for breaking up the family because apparently they don't think we have the right to decide when WE
have had enough. Well, it is our right and none of them are going through what we are. They are all
welcome to play this passive-aggressive game and put up with the insults and let their kids see grandma and grandpa fight even to the point of physical injury on Christmas day. Have at it y'all. Deal us out.
Tim's family is a train wreck being driven by the sis-in-law with the father-in-law pushing in the caboose. Well, it looks like Tim has decided us three will take the bus for now on. What a shame that it had to come to this.
I've probably written these phrases in this blog before but they're worth repeating.
"Denise, never argue with someone who is dead wrong. It's a complete waste of time" my Dad
"Argue with an idiot, now you have two" my sister Cathy
"When people show you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou
That last one is a lesson I wish I had learned a long time ago.
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5 comments:
hi denise, i am so sorry for what you are going through with family that cannot see their toxic effects on tim, you and tour other family members. i have a difficult time with the same problem during hugh's illness, and have lost people i've adored all my like. it can eat you from the inside out, asking, "why?, why did this have to happen". it took a long time for me to see that somethings are not so obvious, like the fact that some siblings form unhealthy agendas they take away from childhood; many are based on familial jealousies, the need to compete, the need always have the attention on themselves, even if it's for very negative behavior. unfortunately, when someone becomes gravely ill, it doesn't bring these kind of people together, instead, those agendas, which were always there, pop out in crisis and even worsen. the people that come together to be with you when you need them are those who love you,and those who have always been there for you. at some point we have to decide to let go of relationships, family or no, that make us feel miserable, and most probably will NEVER change. i still grieve for the lose of those i feel i loved so well, but it gets better with time. i am no longer clinging to the hope that if i give it just one more try, i might work out. leave your heart to rest awhile, denise. you don't have to say good bye to them, they've already said it loud and clear to you. sometimes, blood just is not thicker than water. you are a giving, loving person who may find there are people who can be welcomed into your life that you will form bonds with that are deep and true, once your heart and mind are at peace. just give yourself time. for now, it is what it is, and you are not alone. warm hugs, karen
Thank you for this supportive post, Karen. I can see that you have been where we are because you hit this nail right on the head. There are several people in this family that stop at nothing to get attention and hence the jealousies and backstabbing to try to make themselves the favorite. We just don't want this childish stuff in our lives. We tried to warn them that we'd had enough. They wouldn't listen and despite limiting our time with them, they still mow us down whenever we do see them. Your statements are very helpful. Sending hugs right back at ya! D
It is really hard when you're dealing with people who think they are right ALL the time and there is no reasoning with them. I use to think that people would think I was awful for stopping visiting the m-i-l (like it mattered I know) but then I had reason to speak to one of her 'friends' and she said to me that she knew what we had to put up with and described an incident she'd had. She also said that her and her husband thought I dealt with things admirably - I said to B when I got off the phone 'I don't know whether she was talking about the MM or putting up with your mother.' ;D
P, it is a help to me too to know that so many people knew what we were dealing with and thought we'd put up with way more than most people would. When it comes to folks who have significantly limited their time with the s-i-l or f-i-l, and have the same opinions of their behaviors, Tim and I are in good company and they support our decisions. And I think you deal with EVERYTHING admirably, P. You remind me a lot of Tim, the way you face life with courage and a smile. :o)
Denise, I am sure you have heard of AA or Al-Anon and we have a saying that helps us live day by day:
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Sounds like you have taken another step away from the insanity of that family knowing that no matter what you do or say, the results are still going to be the same.
It is a testament to your fortitude that you tried for so long to make it work, but like some relationships, there is no FIXING it. It is what it is. It ain't gonna change unless the parties who created it change, and that doesn't seem very likely at this stage.
What is really important is your relationship with Tim and for Liv to learn to model adult behavior from the two of you for her healthy relationships in the future.
She can have a better understanding when she grows up more, but I'm sure she already is pretty aware - as kids are - of the truth in the matter.
I have been through much of the same bullcrap with various friends and family over the years and although I miss having a huge family connection, I do NOT miss the craziness that accompanies it.
Recently I was in a situation where I needed about $200 and without going into all the details about lost bank cards and living in a foreign country, I asked a relative for that sum to be wired to tide me over until I could get things sorted out and I would pay him back with interest. (This man is quite well-to-do so I wasn't asking him to give up his grocery money so I could eat.)
This fellow is so fearful and so resentful that although I clearly stated the circumstances and that I was not BUMMING from him (I never have, either) that he flat out refused to help. This was supposed to be FAMILY. I was devastated at the rejection, hurt by the total refusal to help in what was, at the time, a critical circumstance for me with NO funds at all, that I decided to cut him off completely. Luckily a friend offered to help.
So, rest assured it is not about you. It is about the issues these people have that get attached to you if you let it. You can create a family with adult friends, people who have their heads on straight and are loving, not nut-cases like your FIL and SIL, and you will all be better for it. I am rooting for your team!
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