Well I sold Tim's old truck. I have to admit, we are bumming a little. He just loved this
truck. It's got that old Ford, squared-off, masculine look and we bought it when we
were planning to have Olivia. It was what she came home from the hospital in when she
was born and
a lot of "family firsts" happened with that rig. Tim is fussy about his trucks and the
first guy who came to see it snapped it up and he is a HAPPY man. He picks it up
tomorrow. A somewhat unexpected snow today pushed it off a day. Tim said that
this new truck certainly takes the sting out of saying goodbye to the old one and I agree.
In myeloma news, we go for Tim's lab draw and then an appointment in these next 2 weeks.
We go every three months since he has been in CR. So different from when we were there
SO MUCH that we felt like we never left. Even when not on Velcade which brought us there
twice a week, when you are being checked monthly, you have 2 visits a month and even
that seems like you are always sweating things out thinking of them. I'm still doing a VERY
poor job of taking care of me and I'm feeling it. I NEED to start exercising. I have gained more
weight and though not heavy, this is heavy for me and most clothes either don't fit or don't
feel comfortable. I am exhausted all the time. I must say though that Tim's being in CR for this long as well as things going relatively
smoothly at our rental property has been a big help with my quality of life. I still find that
I get really angry when faced with unexpected disappointments with people in our life but
I guess you're always gonna have that. Though I may vent like crazy, I do try to always take
the high road. Quite frankly, I cannot find it in me to treat people the way I have been treated
at times in my life and I know that is a good thing. I also think that about the only thing you
can do is try to limit your exposure to people like this. I'm long past thinking that people change
and I really do not need the added stress in my life.
But I often seem to use the phrase, "it never ceases to amaze me" about the things people do, say and
the levels they stoop to. Luckily though, as I have said in the past, just when I think I want to
move to a deserted island, I meet someone or have something happen that restores my faith.
I have been going to bible classes on Wednesdays. It's just me and a small group of older women.
I feel at peace just sitting in church and being surrounded by these faithful folks. In March, it
will be 3 years since Tim's diagnosis. I feel like I am on much firmer ground since that year as
well as the very stressful 2008. I do not cry as much by far. Oh I still can start the waterworks
pretty easily if I think too much or the wrong song comes on the radio but I know that I need to
stay strong and frequent breakdowns used to wear me out. I can't say you ever accept it 100 percent but you do get to a place where you know this is your journey now and you have to make the best of it. I am always very grateful that Tim miraculously reached and maintained
a CR and do not take that for granted for a second. I am still planning a few family trips to try
to make the most of it too. The time is flying and I don't want to waste it. It's an eerie feeling though to be here. I wonder if I am getting complacent. Is there something I should be doing
to prepare for that other shoe dropping? I just don't know. Sometimes I ask myself if I have
really come to terms with this or if I'm in some kind of denial. One thing I do realize though is
that the controlling part of you wants to prepare and then the rational side of you realizes
that there's really no way to do that. How do you batten down the hatches for the unknown
and never before experienced scenerios that might or might not happen soon or far off in the
future. What a limbo this is. Hard to get used to it but the way it is nonetheless. Tim turns
46 next week. A blessing to say the least. I guess I still have work to do to get to that
"living in the moment" thing. As always, a work in progress.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Damn this war
I just found out today that our town will be having a procession Thursday to escort the body of a
25 year old marine home who just died last Thursday. I've met this guy. Some years ago,
I parted with my beloved turbo Mustang and it was he who bought it as his first car. We know his mom and stepfather too. He was married and now a young wife and whole family are devastated. He was just a few months away from coming back home to become a drill instructor.
He loved the marines and did 3 tours in Iraq. He was in Afghanistan now and just recently found out he was going to get a bronze star because he ran into heavy arms fire to rescue his superior officer who stepped on a mine. He
and another marine tied off the bleeding in what was left of the man's legs and carried him
out, saving his life. Now he stepped on a device himself and lost his young life. I just don't know
how the heck we are ever going to get ourselves out of these wars. It's so sad. I can't think of
anything more selfless than laying down your life like that for the freedoms of millions of people
you don't even know. Rest in Peace Sgt. Chris Hrbek. U.S.M.C.
25 year old marine home who just died last Thursday. I've met this guy. Some years ago,
I parted with my beloved turbo Mustang and it was he who bought it as his first car. We know his mom and stepfather too. He was married and now a young wife and whole family are devastated. He was just a few months away from coming back home to become a drill instructor.
He loved the marines and did 3 tours in Iraq. He was in Afghanistan now and just recently found out he was going to get a bronze star because he ran into heavy arms fire to rescue his superior officer who stepped on a mine. He
and another marine tied off the bleeding in what was left of the man's legs and carried him
out, saving his life. Now he stepped on a device himself and lost his young life. I just don't know
how the heck we are ever going to get ourselves out of these wars. It's so sad. I can't think of
anything more selfless than laying down your life like that for the freedoms of millions of people
you don't even know. Rest in Peace Sgt. Chris Hrbek. U.S.M.C.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Empty nesting
Well, we have made it through Olivia's first trip away from home. The sixth grade class in her
school goes away for a 2-night, 3 day trip to the Catskills every year. They go cross-country skiing, tubing, indoor rock climbing etc. Normally, I would chaperone a trip like this but when
these plans were made, Swine-flu hysteria was in full swing and neither Tim nor Olivia had the
shot by then so I felt the less exposure our family got during this cold and flu season, the better. This was also a great opportunity
to give Olivia a little independence and make her take responsibility for herself which is
a large part of the reason for this trip anyway. It was a little easier on us, separation wise,
as we had to drive her there because of her motion sickness. So she took dramamine each way
(it is a 2 hour ride) and was darn glad she did not take the bus when we heard of the puking
stories as soon as they arrived. We got to see the place and I think it helped Olivia with homesickness, though she has never had a big problem with it anyway, to have us drive her there and pick her up. This was a heavily chaperoned trip both by school staff and
parents so I had a woman or two that I knew going on the trip who would keep an eye on her.
I was half expecting to have Liv come home with empty luggage. She is terrible about keeping
track of her belongings. She has lost more things and we have turned around more times after
leaving somewhere because she leaves things behind constantly. So I packed her very lightly.
I told her that if she forgot something and it did not make it home, it would not be replaced,
least not on my dime. I know this sounds awful rigid but if you knew the amount of times she
has lost things and the very little progress she has made at improving, it's really a necessary thing to let her know that we are not going to keep buying things to replace what she has absentmindedly lost again. She kept asking if she could take this and that and I refused. I warned
her that taking all these meaningful things with her just put them at risk of being forgotten or
even stolen. Well everything went well. Tim was off work so I was not that lonely. We took the
opportunity to take our employee(he's family to us) and his girlfriend out to dinner and the only
thing that stinks is that we felt so left out. We missed getting to see Olivia ski and rock climb for
the first time and that's not something we're used to. A lot of the kids were homesick. Of course,
the boys were acting silly and throwing snowballs at the girls' cabin windows, led by one of the dads I believe. As far as I can tell, everything made it home and I told Olivia how proud I was that she did such a great job. The one unfortunate thing was a brat that we have had trouble with before decided it
would be fun if her and her friend started screaming at Olivia and her friend that a coyote was
there and coming after them. My poor kid ran for her life only to find out it was a lie and she was
quite shook up by the event. This brat needs some serious discipline and I'm debating talking to
the principal about it. She's always causing trouble. Though I told Olivia that she has to start taking everything this girl says with a grain of salt, of course being out there in that wilderness with turkeys and deer all about, she was so out of her element that she figured it could
be true. This is where being a chaperone is tricky with me. That girl would have gotten a heckuva talking to from me whether my kid was involved or not. I have little patience for bullies and low-down mean behavior. Oh well. There's one in every crowd I always say. We are glad to have
ol' twinkle toes home. I hate walking past her empty bedroom at night and it's one thing when she's at a sleepover 5 minutes away, quite different when she's up in the mountains 2 hours
away. I can really understand how folks can get into a funk when their kids go off to college or
move out. I better make sure I have some well established hobbies by then or I'll go bonkers
for certain.
school goes away for a 2-night, 3 day trip to the Catskills every year. They go cross-country skiing, tubing, indoor rock climbing etc. Normally, I would chaperone a trip like this but when
these plans were made, Swine-flu hysteria was in full swing and neither Tim nor Olivia had the
shot by then so I felt the less exposure our family got during this cold and flu season, the better. This was also a great opportunity
to give Olivia a little independence and make her take responsibility for herself which is
a large part of the reason for this trip anyway. It was a little easier on us, separation wise,
as we had to drive her there because of her motion sickness. So she took dramamine each way
(it is a 2 hour ride) and was darn glad she did not take the bus when we heard of the puking
stories as soon as they arrived. We got to see the place and I think it helped Olivia with homesickness, though she has never had a big problem with it anyway, to have us drive her there and pick her up. This was a heavily chaperoned trip both by school staff and
parents so I had a woman or two that I knew going on the trip who would keep an eye on her.
I was half expecting to have Liv come home with empty luggage. She is terrible about keeping
track of her belongings. She has lost more things and we have turned around more times after
leaving somewhere because she leaves things behind constantly. So I packed her very lightly.
I told her that if she forgot something and it did not make it home, it would not be replaced,
least not on my dime. I know this sounds awful rigid but if you knew the amount of times she
has lost things and the very little progress she has made at improving, it's really a necessary thing to let her know that we are not going to keep buying things to replace what she has absentmindedly lost again. She kept asking if she could take this and that and I refused. I warned
her that taking all these meaningful things with her just put them at risk of being forgotten or
even stolen. Well everything went well. Tim was off work so I was not that lonely. We took the
opportunity to take our employee(he's family to us) and his girlfriend out to dinner and the only
thing that stinks is that we felt so left out. We missed getting to see Olivia ski and rock climb for
the first time and that's not something we're used to. A lot of the kids were homesick. Of course,
the boys were acting silly and throwing snowballs at the girls' cabin windows, led by one of the dads I believe. As far as I can tell, everything made it home and I told Olivia how proud I was that she did such a great job. The one unfortunate thing was a brat that we have had trouble with before decided it
would be fun if her and her friend started screaming at Olivia and her friend that a coyote was
there and coming after them. My poor kid ran for her life only to find out it was a lie and she was
quite shook up by the event. This brat needs some serious discipline and I'm debating talking to
the principal about it. She's always causing trouble. Though I told Olivia that she has to start taking everything this girl says with a grain of salt, of course being out there in that wilderness with turkeys and deer all about, she was so out of her element that she figured it could
be true. This is where being a chaperone is tricky with me. That girl would have gotten a heckuva talking to from me whether my kid was involved or not. I have little patience for bullies and low-down mean behavior. Oh well. There's one in every crowd I always say. We are glad to have
ol' twinkle toes home. I hate walking past her empty bedroom at night and it's one thing when she's at a sleepover 5 minutes away, quite different when she's up in the mountains 2 hours
away. I can really understand how folks can get into a funk when their kids go off to college or
move out. I better make sure I have some well established hobbies by then or I'll go bonkers
for certain.
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