Ugh......more snow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Normally, I never complain about snow. I think it is so pretty watching it fall but I am sick, sick,
sick of shovelling and I know that Tim is beating the tar out of himself doing it too. Both driveways are pretty large and when it snows for 2 days like it's doing now, they have to be done multiple times. ARG! So today, as I struggle with a nasty 2 day hormonal headache to boot(COME ON MENOPAUSE), I am digging deep to be grateful for the fact that we can shovel and snow blow and we have a four wheel drive vehicle and a warm house and tomorrow Liv will be off school and I can spend the day in flannel PJ's and slippers if I so choose. Spring will be a most
welcome time in Jersey this year! I believe a lot of this country will be yahooing over it too.
I'm definitely starting to see why older folks winter or move down south. There comes a time,
I guess, when the pretty part is just too overshadowed by the cost of the plow guy and slippery
surfaces to navigate for weeks. There's good and bad to everything I always say.

One of those "too much reality" days

Boy there are just days that I can get so fed up that I wonder what it is this life thing is all about.
Yesterday, we went for Olivia's softball pitching lesson. We showed up and nobody was there. I
knew something was wrong. We waited and her coach, a woman younger than us with a toddler,
came driving into the parking lot to tell us that her dad died and she forgot to call us to cancel.
This is the second time in a month that someone I just saw(he owns the pitching clinic and coaches right next to us when we're there) died of a heart attack. In this man's case, he went to
the doctor for shortness of breath. His wife felt certain that he'd be hospitalized as he is a diabetic with issues. The doc told him he had a cold and to go home. He was later found dead on the couch by his daughter(Liv's coach). Man, you're just here one minute, gone the next. I mean,
don't get me wrong, if you have to go, something quick is the way to do it but with what we have
hanging over our heads in this family, all these losses serve as a reminder of how quickly it could
all change. And a reminder that at least he was 69, not too old at all but better than being sick in your 40's. The
woman we just lost from my bible class was in her 80's so there is a whole, long life that got lived
there. There was a funeral at our church today for a 41 year old father of 3. Those stories hit way too close to home for me. I have been dragging my feet setting up my own gyn. check-up and mammogram after the disaster they led to last year. The fear of something happening to me too just freezes me. I find myself praying all the time, "please GOD, let us raise this child." Then Olivia came home today and told me that there were some
girls(who they refer to as the "popular" girls) who were talking about her and someone said her name loud enough that she heard she was the topic of their conversation. You can have a thousand bullying programs at your school but the bottom line is that kids can be cruel and some things will never change. We are now coming into the age with our daughter where the claws
are coming out even worse with these "popular girls" and the cyber bullying is alive and well in our society. I think for some of them, the insecurity they have is what makes them do this to others first before it's done to them. I still always wonder if parents nowadays are talking to their kids about
how wrong this is and the kids aren't listening or if we live in a world where too many times, the
parents are overwhelmed with just trying to keep their jobs and pay the bills and these "talks" just never happen. I'm sure both of these situations are happening. My kid is still paying the price at school for our neighbor's kid's(who doesn't even go to this school) behavior when she told a bunch of girls in softball not to play with Olivia and who knows what else she said, all
because Olivia blew by her in pitching ability. So I encourage Liv, practice with her, and pay 50 bucks a pop for her to get lessons cause she has some real talent there, thinking this is great for self-esteem and
it backfires and the other girls that pitch are so jealous that she's so good that they have to find some way to tear her down to make themselves feel better. Oh these next years may be difficult ones and I just hate to hear this hurtful stuff. Such a pity that you have to teach your child how to deal with this and that there's no real way to stop it either. I think there's a lot more
"taking the high road" and "be the bigger person" speeches in my future. OY!!!!!

If I am elected.....

So, I was watching this show the other night and this guy shot and killed someone just a short time after being parolled for murder. It was a true story. I don't get how people who purposely kill
someone get out of jail. Actually I do get it. It's the plea bargain. When the constitution guaranteed us a right to a jury by our peers, there were about 500 people in this country. I'm approximating.
Now with a gazillion people in this country, we do not have the time or the money to give everyone who commits a crime a jury trial so we have the plea bargain whereby they try to offer criminals a good enough deal to keep them
from demanding a trial where we will spend even more money on public defenders, prosecutors,
jury selection and so on. Hence, we are all living amongst parolled rapists, murderers, etc. The folks on the parole board should be told, "so-and-so is going to move into the house next door to you. NOW do you think he/she is no longer a danger to society?!!!" We have 2 cases here
that keep showing up in the paper. One is the man who raped and killed a 7 year old girl selling girl scout cookies. She was his neighbor and HE WAS A SCHOOL TEACHER. I was a 7 year old
girl scout when this happened, looked like I could be her sister and this happened close enough to where we lived that our neighborhood and property were searched. FREAKED me out. They found her body on Easter. This girl's poor mom had to fight to get laws changed in this state to deny parole to anyone who rapes and kills a child under a certain age but of course this is not retroactive so every time this guy comes up for parole, she has to relive this nightmare and fight to keep him in jail. WHY? This poor child did not get to come back to life in 12 years or 25. Why does a murderer get another chance? Now I'm not talking about people who accidentally kill someone. It happens. People are negligent and bad things happen without that intent.
Some drunk guy punches another guy who falls and hits hit head just right on a curb. I'm talking about someone who kills someone and intended to kill them. THROW AWAY THE KEY FOR PETE'S SAKE! If you say we'll be overcrowding jails. Take the money you save on jury trials and
put that toward building and staffing prisons. Have criminals go up against a panel of judges who
know the law better than jurors do anyway and let them decide whether they did it or not. Afraid the judges can be bought? Dis-bar any judge forever if caught being unethical. In this day of DNA evidence, there are so many ways to prove things now. If they can't decide, fine then do a trial but we just cannot expect to have a working judicial system that did not change with the times. I don't know that a constitutional right will ever be overturned but this is not working. Heck, there used to be laws about men and women being on a beach at the same time
as well as how covered up they had to be. Going to the beach now is practically like stepping into
an x-rated movie. The other story is one that strikes fear into any woman and this guy's mom,
and he I guess before he was imprisoned. live just about a mile and a half from my house. Now
before you think I live in a bad neighborhood, I don't. I live in a crowded but very nice suburb
with the highest property taxes in the nation and to be honest, I'm not sure I could afford to buy my own house right now for what it's worth. I've seen the ghetto, this ain't it. But even here, we
have the "dregs of society." This guy raped a girl when I was a teen. He went to jail where the inmates told him that the mistake he made was not killing her. He was a juvenile when he did it and served a very short sentence. He got out, abducted another girl in the parking lot of a mall
15 minutes from here. He raped and killed her. He is in prison and again, the girls parents have
to relive this every so often to keep him there. The last time they were seeking support for that, they posted the story with a picture of this guy in the paper. Just looking at this guy made my blood run cold. I've never seen a person look like such evil in my life. Knowing if he was released, he would be living with his mom right up the road from me makes me nuts. The faulty judicial system is at the bottom of a lot of the problems in this country. When people know they will not be punished or will just receive a slap on the wrist for their
wrongdoing, there is little to stop them from doing it. There is a reason why this country has such a high crime rate. People literally get away with murder here. People like OJ walk on technicalities and a system that has more laws protecting the rights of the guilty than the rights
of the innocent. When a little girl in Florida was killed recently, the news said there was over 120
registered sex offenders living in a 5 mile radius of her house. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
The only place that should have that many sex offenders that close is a jail. I just don't get it.
Whew, I had to get that off my chest. I know this is a depressing post but I just can't stand seeing another paper or newscast telling of someone else who lost their life because a killer was
let loose. When will this madness stop?

Family decisions

I have been at a very big impasse in my brain. I wrote a little about a very hurtful and low-down
thing my sister-in-law did to us on Xmas. It would take too long to go into this all and explain everything but Tim and I have decided that she needs to be out of our life. We thought we had
gotten her far enough out to stay clear of her viciousness but X-mas showed us that was not
true. The problem is that this may also take Tim's brother, 2 nephews and niece out of our life(not that we see or hear from any of them anyway. 'cept at holidays)
This sis-in-law does not have the maturity or selflessness to say "I really screwed up this time, but I can't deprive my husband or kids of a relationship with their brother/uncle because of what I did." I don't know if Tim's brother would stand up to her, (doubtful) or whether her kids would either and continue coming to Olivia's birthday parties without her. Olivia said she does not care. You cannot hide everything from a smart almost 12-year-old. She told me, "Aunt ????? is mean." Mean s-i-l would see this as her punishment though and use her family to try to punish back. The nephews are adults now and niece almost 16. They really could make their own decisions but they would have to live with their mother's wrath. We certainly don't blame them for her behavoir and we don't even know if his brother ever found out about what she did as he was outside when she did it. To be honest, based on some comments I've heard, I think her kids even see her many faults and one was right there when she did this to us. I would not dream of going to their house if we do this, obviously, and as far as events at other family members' houses, we would just stay clear of her. We have nothing to say to her and certainly no interest in the drivel that comes from her mouth.. I sat in church yesterday and wondered if there was any way I could find forgiveness for this awful thing she did. The problem is that this is not an isolated event by far. This woman has
brought nothing but negativity, greed, and back-stabbing to this family since she arrived on the scene and I don't see her changing. Tim's family tolerates her and bites their tongues(most of the time) because they feel they have to. I finally called her out for it several years ago and she is livid that someone finally did. She is far too accustomed to everyone around her just dealing with it silently. I just can't see how I could invite this woman into our home again after hearing the utter contempt that spilled from her mouth Christmas day. Though I ended our "friendship" several years ago, I have been civil to her at family gatherings for the sake of keeping peace. I really do not care what she thinks of me but what she did affected my husband and kid on a special day for our family and I can't let something like that happen again.
It's quite bad enough it happened already. I have warned Tim that this is not something that is
reversible once you do this and that he may lose his brother. Tim is usually a VERY laid back guy who does not let things get to him but even he realizes that she has gone too far. She has
done things to his grandparents, parents and basically screwed everyone in his family and her own always by words and actions but financially too. Tim feels that if his brother is OK with what his
idiot wife said to us, then that's his problem. I already know that somehow I will be the one
to be blamed for breaking this family up. Not sure I care. I do call a spade a spade and if Tim's parents
have decided to put up with her behavior, that is their choice. Our choice is not to. I know all too well that if you let people treat you badly, they continue to do just that. I also believe strongly in
holding people responsible for what they say and do. Her behavior is the problem here, not our unwillingness to put up with it anymore. This woman has caused such grief for this family and I just think that our little branch of this family is full up with as much grief as we can handle since
Tim's dx and I don't want anymore walking through our front door. Even if I could forgive and
everyone knows that her behavior is based in jealousy, immaturity, and low self-esteem, I'm not sure that forgiveness is the problem here. It's a question of whether we want to continue letting someone bring this garbage into our life. I don't know if this counts as forgiveness so much but I do feel sorry for her sometimes. She is so pathetic and even at 46, is so immature and has made such a fool of herself for so long. If she had any idea what so many people really think about her, she would be beside herself. I've never in my life met anyone who has shown so many people all her faults so effectively with her own mouth and she still doesn't get it. After re-reading this post, it sounds like I've already made my decision but I'm open to suggestions. What would you do?

Let it snow, my patooty

This was the view a few hours ago looking up my street. We had gotten about 9 inches by this time. We have over a foot now and it's still coming down. We've done the front sidewalk and walks about 5 times now. I like snow but this is more than we need. Both our house and our

rental have huge driveways(by Jersey suburb standards) and we are wet and feeling our age

right now and we'll be doing it all over again either late tonight or tomorrow morning. Penned

this little tune today. Sung to the melody of "Home on the Range"

*******************************************************************************

"Oh give me a home

Where the snowmen don't roam

Where the flowers and the beach grasses grow.

Where seldom is heard

Weather's four letter word

Yessirree, I am talkin' 'bout SNOW!

Home, home in the north

Where the snow and the sleet doth burst forth

Where snow blowers roar

And our backs are all sore

They closed school, now the kids whine they're bored!!! "

******************************************************

I couldn't think of another "orth" word.

Stay warm y'all.

I bet I don't lose a single ounce doing all this work! :o(

Livin' life 90 days at a time

Today was Tim's 3 month check-up. The news continues to be good, great actually. He is still immunofixation negative for monoclonal protein. WOO-HOO!!! We met several couples there, one that we
have not seen in quite awhile now that our visits are not nearly as frequent as they used to
be. People are shocked to hear he is in a CR and off meds for going on 2 years now. I think
it spooked Tim a bit to hear how surprised they are but I assured him that I know others,
especially from the Acor list, that went into CR's from Velcade and stayed off meds. But
I did tell him that I'm not taking it for granted and I'm thanking God everyday that we
have gotten this chance to live as normal a life as we can when MM is part of it. I was very saddened to see a woman that I have not seen in awhile who is having a really hard time
right now. Her husband just had open-heart surgery and she took a very bad turn with
her disease. Her husband kept saying how quickly things turned for her and that is a scary
thing to hear. I hope her new protocol turns things around for her. Anyway, so we breath a
little easy now until May when we do it all over again. We know we're lucky, or blessed, but
as I've always said, it's all relative. There's a lot of people who would trade places with us,
then again, there's a whole lot who would not. For some reason, this hand was dealt to us
and we're playin' it the best way we can. What else can ya do? Wishing peace and a happy Valentine's Day to all our friends in blogland. As for us, we're thanking God and preparing
for more snow. Yippee!

And I thought I was going to be teaching my child about life

I am a relatively bright person. If IQ tests have any merit, I'm a genius(please understand I
am laughing as I type that.) But I never knew how much I was going to learn from my kid
instead of the other way around. I had visions of teaching her all the things in life that I learned
the hard way and thinking she was gonna be at such an advantage to be saved making the same
errors I have. You know all those sayings, "too late smart" and all that. I so wish I knew then
what I know now and can't help but be a little bummed thinking of the pain and aggravation
I might have spared myself if I had learned a few lessons earlier than I did. Spilled milk, water over the damn etc. But, just like her dad, Olivia seems to prefer not to listen to me until it actually proves true by her own experience(a real drag when she does something I've warned her not to and suffers the consequences but I guess lessons stick more when learned first hand, one could hope).But isn't it amazing how much you learn from your kid(s)? Unfortunately for them, you learn a lot of it when you realize
you made an error in your parenting and then correct yourself.(I try to save for college AND
psychotherapy) ;o). I am learning more and more however and since she is a pretty darn good
kid, I guess I'm not botching it too badly. Tim and I seem to be a good blend. I am the more cerebral but also more intense one. Translated: I'm the one with the anxiety issues. He is the more laid back one and smart in other ways that I am not. He is courageous. I am yella but we do a good job of filling the gaps for each other and there's not a lot of head-butting going on when you have your "job descriptions" set out and agreed upon with no interference. By the
grace of God, Olivia seems to have grabbed the best from both of us and is smart, yet fun-loving
and courageous. She reminds me of what the bible says about haiving faith like children. Some of us
adults just analyze the living c*** out of everything where as to a child, it's all pretty cut and dry. Life
is so simple to them. At least when they're young anyway. There's a trust and innocence that
us big folks have lost along the way. Sometimes we make things more complicated than they
need to be. I've mentioned before that I stumbled onto a blog about neuroblastoma which is
a devastating childhood cancer. I've followed it for awhile as well as a few others that are linked
to it. The courage of these little kids is awe-inspiring to say the least. The lessons they are teaching the adults in their lives is amazing. It makes me wonder if God puts people with illness
and disabilities on this earth for the sole purpose of teaching us about what is important. How we
are supposed to live our lives. What courage, faith, and real love really are. The boy from this blog is 5 and has been fighting NB since he was 7 months old. He's had over 50 rounds of chemo
treatments. His parents are trying to raise money to help find a cure for this cruel cancer and there is little government funding that goes towards the research needed. Yet he just told his parents he wants to take some of the money out of the spare change jar they collect for the
NB Alliance and send it to Haiti because he said"those kids need help too." Amazing. Where a lot of people are up in arms about the U.S. sending money and supplies over there when we can hardly take care of ourselves, this kid just knows that even though he needs help, other kids do too and they deserve it as well. We can
learn a lot from kids. You're a smart adult if you realize that.
Song for the day: "God's Will" by Martina McBride. Will is this little boy's name and it's an incredible song that reminds me of him. Google the video, but grab your kleenex first.