The Easter bunny needs snowshoes

Well, my idea for this spring break was Washington DC. Unfortunately, my husband decided we
are going to my sister's VT house so he can sand and re-finish her wood floors. RATS. Weather forecast in DC, 60's and 70's, possibly near 80 for a day or two. Craftsbury, Vermont forecast, 40's all week,
dropping down to below freezing at night. We may hit snow driving up tomorrow and there is talk of
snow showers while we're up there too. OY!!!!!!! Well, we just have to make the best of it. Liv isn't
going to get much softball pitching practice in, that's for sure. Too cold and you can't pitch in a winter
jacket. She just got her braces on yesterday. She is going to milk this eating ice cream to sooth her
sore mouth for 2 years, I'm sure. We come home Good Friday and then I have a house full of people coming for Easter dinner. Hopefully, it's not all work and no play this week. Tim is exhausted from
working so hard and really needs some decompressing. Sure wish we could hit this 600+ million bucks tonight. Would be so nice to drop out of the rat race and live our life to the fullest everyday. There are so many people I would like to help out. It stinks when you spend so much of your life making a living and your free time is so rare. There's got to be a better way.

Hottest dentist award

Yesterday, Olivia had her first appointment with a new dentist. Our old dentist is retiring and sold his business to someone that is a bit of a ride from here. Olivia's orthodontist recommended 2 guys just a mile or so away. Turns out my neighbors use them and like them. So, off we go. Olivia gets her braces next week and I wanted her to have a cleaning before they were put on. So, a real nice woman cleans her teeth and asks if I have a preference of dentist to see. I told her that I didn't know either of them so  whomever she thought was best with kids would be great. She said, "they're both great with kids" and went out to grab one. Apparently, she chose the one that is favorite among MOMS, 'cause a few minutes later, in walks this little slice of heaven. I'm pretty sure my mouth dropped open as he walked up to me with a megawatt smile, dimples, and moon eyes to say hello and shake my hand. Maybe I should take this time to tell y'all that Tim does not read my blog and doesn't even know how to find it. He is not a computer guy. Hates them really, so when I say things about MM, my struggles as a caregiver, his family, or in this case, smokin' hot doctors, he is not seeing any of this. OK where was I, (SWOON) oh yes, the GQ dentist. So he checks her teeth as I'm watching and thinking that we have DEFINITELY found our new dentist here. He says, "everything looks great" and walks us out to the desk to pay, shaking both our hands again and saying, "it was nice to meet you." Um................YEAH SAME HERE!!!  I grab a business card and circle his name so I do NOT forget which one we saw and pay my bill wondering if they have a different pay scale for dental work done by a shirtless dentist. A girl can dream. Wow, I have NEVER met a dentist like that. Just criminal what that man does for a pair of scrubs. I would have kicked old Dr. Johnson to the curb YEARS ago if I'd known about this guy! I think it's high time for a checkup and cleaning for myself. My dental health just got a WHOLE lot more important to me!  ;o)

New friends, old friends

So, after "housecleaning" these last few years, and by that I mean, letting go of people who are toxic, I have begun making new friends. It's not easy. I have never been much of an entertainer. I guess I always feel like people have such busy, exciting lives, while we stay home a lot and just relax, watch TV, spend time with just the 3 of us(though Liv goes out much more now, and it's just Tim and me hanging out sometimes). I always had an uncanny habit of planning things outside and then rain comes or things fall apart somehow or other. With Tim being so busy, and then so tired when he isn't working, it's not easy to plan things. Going out to eat, with my horrendous stomach issues, is not fun for me. There are several "myeloma couples" we are WAY past due to get together with but, what do I do with my kid? I don't like her to be around when we discuss cancer stuff and that always comes up. I really just have to make the calls and set a date and get together with these folks. I hate that we spend SO DARN MUCH time doing what we HAVE to do and not what we really WANT to do; another common theme in my blog posts. I guess too many of us spend what should be the best years of our lives making a living and keeping afloat financially and when that's over, you have more time but nothing to do, or health problems have set in already. I have made a lot of friends at church, most older than myself, and this is the first time I have ever really felt a part of a church. It's nice. It isn't that I socialize with these people outside of church functions though and that is what is missing in our lives. I have always gotten along great with older people and find them so interesting. Yesterday, I helped out at a funeral for a church member.  I know these people and the husband died after years of fighting Parkinsons. A bunch of us helped with the luncheon and then, after everyone else ate, we grabbed something and sat down to a bite. I sat with this couple, who are in their 60's. I cannot believe how interesting it is talking to people of older generations. This guy, Dave, was in Germany when he was discharged from the army. He backpacked all over Euprope and Asia for 10 months before he headed back home. He just wanted to see the world and knew he probably would not get another opportunity to do so. He told us all sorts of stories about what he saw. I was amazed. Then, when talking about Europe, one man said something about nude beaches. I mentioned the one not far from here at the Jersey shore and Dave's wife says, "Oh I used to go there all the time." HOLY TOLEDO. I've always wondered if I had the guts to do that and was tempted to try, years back,  but here's this woman almost my mom's age and she used to do it all the time. I said, "man, you folks are renegades!" I feel like I haven't lived at all compared to these people. The hard part about getting to know all these older people, is losing them. We had 2 church members die in 2 days this week so I will be going to another wake this weekend. But man, did these people LIVE! They make me see that I need some excitement in my life!!! The GOOD kind. And I have to get a whole lot better at planning to get together with people. Just do it!  A good slogan to have.

5 years

Our family(a motley crew) on the1st Christmas Eve at our house. Obviously, my Dad was the one setting up the camera and diving into the shot.

It's been 5 years since we were told Tim has MM. On one hand, the time has flown by so fast. On the other, as many of you will probably agree, it's hard to remember our lives before MM barged in uninvited. I probably start every yearly post the same way. It's so true.

Well, Tim's cold got really bad. It worsened and he came down with a fever even with the Z-pack. I had to run him to the doctor on Sat. and we, of course, had to scoot off to get a chest x-ray to make sure he did not have pneumonia. Then, on Sunday, Olivia and I started feeling wonky and now we both have it too. It's a nasty one, not the mild-ish version that Tim and I had in Florida. I'm sure mine has turned into bronchitis. What was freekin' me out a bit though was that the dates are all falling on the same weekdays as when Tim was diagnosed 5 yrs. ago, and the circumstances were repeating themselves. He was sick with a fever that weekend 5 years ago. Ditto for this past weekend. I was sleeping on a cot in Liv's room to give him the bed to himself. I did the same now. But, 5 years ago, I woke up to hearing him choking at 2 o'clock Monday morning and took him to the E.R. This time, I did not. He had his 1st bone marrow biopsy on Tues. and we got the bad news on Thursday, the 8th.

So, this past year.............well, it was mostly good. MM-wise, Tim started showing a slight band on his SPEP and immunofixation tests in Jan. so I thought 2011 was going to be the year he relapsed and had to start treatment again but, it wasn't. His tests still show the same thing and his doc said the MM is still inactive. A blessing.........a miracle really, and we don't take that for granted. We had some really nice vacations which is always the best parts for me. Business has been very busy and continues to be for Tim. Olivia's social life gets busier each year and I feel like I'm a taxi driver. The biggest negative this year, of course, has been the split from his family. It's been 4 1/2 months and none of them has even bothered apologizing for anything they said/did to us. I'm shocked by this but Tim said, "Denise, they're NOT sorry, they can never admit they're wrong and they are blaming us(probably me) for everything that's happened. We stood up for ourselves, now WE are the outcasts." Mind-boggling sometimes, the lengths people will go to blame others for their own blunders. Apparently, I'm an excellent ventriloquist! Who knew?! Oh well, what can ya do? Life goes on.

Tim feels really well these days. He's tired, but 48 year old men who beat the heck out of their bodies everyday at work will be tired, though still look smokin' hot! ;o)  Most customers can't even believe he's 48. They think he's 10 years younger. Most don't know he has cancer but the ones that do REALLY can't believe it by the looks of him.. Aside from a few tiny scars from his hickamn catheter and his hair being a little thinner and MUCH straighter, he appears to be unscathed by all that he went through, on the outside. So, how am I doing, 5 years later? Well, I guess about the same. Still not taking time to do for myself. I cry much less these days, though all it takes is one line from a sappy song or a certain memory coming to mind and the tears are still right there. I worry, daily, about the future; finances, Tim's health, my own health. How will I find a job when/if Tim can't work anymore after so many years out of the work force? How can I work a job just when he will need me around so much more? It's an endless loop of concerns running through my brain. On Liv's birthday, May 9th, it will be 4 years since Tim's last chemo treatment. This is why I don't cry whenever I am alone, like I used to. We have not lived in that scary, frantic place for a long time now. I do not watch my husband swallow or get IV's of toxic substances and suffer the side effects. We are not back and forth to a cancer center so many times, it feels like we never left. We are not sweating out lab results every few weeks. BUT, MM, and thoughts of what the future holds, still haunt us everyday and we know we can be right back to those things at any time. We know, we're not outta this. We are a family dealing with cancer. It affects all our decisions and attitudes. I check off a bucket list of places I want us to go before we can't anymore. I exhale with every birthday and Christmas our kid celebrates with her family intact. A lot of people think Tim is cured. Sometimes, people say things to me about that and I have to tell them that he is not. Depressing. He's been doing so well, looks so darn good, and been off treatment for so long that they all think this is a done deal and he beat it. I wish. You can see their faces drop when I tell them that isn't the case.  I just can't avoid the reality of it all, especially after losing so many wonderful people I have met or come to know, either personally, or via the internet, these last 5 years. MM has brought some really wonderful people into my world, but my heart breaks, even more than it already is, everytime one of these people is lost to us.

I think that learning to live in the moment is the only way to live with this damn cancer hanging over our heads but it is so hard. So many unknowns and worries swirling around your head. So, I've said it before, I have learned a lot these last years. About myself, Tim and others. Not all of it good. Some of it pretty impressive though. I feel like Tim, Olivia, and I have been tested by fire. We're still getting through it, together, all 3 of us being stronger than I ever could have imagined we could be. I think that after going through so much in my life; my own life-changing health issue, being let down by so many people, Tim's MM; that I should be the most jaded, depressed person. Well, I am a bit jaded. I do not trust people easily anymore. I've learned to expect very little from people. If something good pops up from someone, I am pleasantly surprised and appreciative. But, I will be a lot more careful about who I let into my life from here on out. I probably am a bit depressed too. Who wouldn't be? But somehow I manage to be hopeful too, and grateful, and crack a joke now and then. I've learned that reaching out to others, and helping any way you can, heals your heart. And I have found NOTHING that helps you cope and feel better than that. It's true, you get so much more when you give. It makes you feel worthwhile and useful and I think that goes a long way to stave off depression. I suppose I could retreat and worry about just our own situation. Heaven knows, I have a lot on my plate just taking care of all my responsibilities. But, this is also alienating, and I need to be around people. Everytime I get back from my MM support group, I feel as if a little weight has been lifted off my shoulders.My little family may not have some of the people supporting us that we thought we would have, but we do have a lot of people who really care about what happens to Tim and our family. I may be jaded but I have not lost hope in people as a whole. I'm just a lot more picky about who I hang with these days.


Quote of the day: Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.       George Washington

Happy spring y'all. Gonna hit near 70 today in Jersey and we are LOVIN' it.

Random ramblings

So, Tim and I both went in and got our tetanus shots. Turns out, it had been 8 1/2 years since Tim's last one.
The limit is 10 years but I figured that between having a stem cell transplant and the fact that he cuts himself all the time at work, it was time. Plus, I think I was over 10 years so we toddled off and did it. I also
took care of another doctor appt. for myself. I have been putting it off for years, the dermatologist. I've had a couple of spots on my skin I needed checked and after a friend just went through a melanoma operation(thank goodness her lymph nodes were clear), I knew I had to buckle down and go. I really hate going to doctors. I've had so many scary things happen with them. Things went well. He didn't seem to see anything concerning but sliced 2 little things off me just to be sure because they had shown some changes. I can't take lidocaine with epinephrine so he said he had it without and I said, "just do it without the shot." Afterward, I said, "you really give lidocaine shots just for THAT." He said they always do. Gosh it was nothing. Splinters are worse.
Tim has another cold. He went 13 months without anything and now got 2 colds in a month's time. This one is a doozy. Nurse Denise put him right on a Z-pack. Any help it provides is worth it. Things are rolling along pretty much as usual around here. I am again shamelessly avoiding doing my taxes and exercising. Nothing new there. I do have to get on the ball with both. This menopause thing is for the birds. While I am welcoming the end of the monthly nuisance(it can't come fast enough), I've gained over 20 pounds and am just miserable about it. When you are a caregiver type, you just don't get the same satisfaction out of taking care of yourself. You're not used to it. So what else. Things on the out-law front haven't changed. I have not
seen or spoken to them in over 4 months. My therapist said, "do you miss them?" I said, "NOPE." People like that don't change. I know what we're dealing with there. I'm dog-tired of being hurt by people. I do hope that Tim and Olivia can have relationships with them someday but Tim has apparently seen the benefit of not having to deal with their behavior these last months and is still really ticked off. We've had a VERY mild winter in Jersey this year, which was more than appreciated after having SO much snow last year. I love watching snow fall, but the clean-up with those big dumpings is a drag. Our school had a man from VT come to talk the other day. His son committed suicide at 13 y-o in 2003 because of bullying. I saw this man last spring at another school.
He spoke to the kids in  our 6-10th grades during the day, and had a different talk with the parents at night.
So heartwrenching. Kids are so cruel and even with all these new laws to try to stop bullies, it is still rampant. It's so hard to understand the lack of empathy people have. I know several moms who are petrified that their own kids might resort to suicide because of bullying and they are haunted every moment of the day. It's a hard time to be raising kids. The same things happen that always did but the internet and all these techie things have blown the lid off it all. I got to talking to a woman in the waiting room at the dermatologists'. She is a Jerseyite but moved to Texas for awhile for her husband's job. She came right out and said that the people were so much nicer. We talked about all this and it really is true. Jersey is a tough place to live if you're looking for all that warm, fuzzy stuff. Oh we have some stellar people here and we have all you need: the beach, the mountains, suburbs, farms, access to NYC and other cultural hotspots, shopping, healthcare.
But we also have a lot of money hungry, type A, entitled, mean dopes here too. Get this. Last week, a boy my neighbor's son graduated highschool with last year, was driving just around the corner from my house and got into an argument with a man jogging. Something about one not seeing the other and I guess a near miss or something. The kid, who lives somewhere near here, goes off on this guy. They exchange words and then the guy continues to jog. The boy drives away and picks up HIS FATHER and then goes back to find the jogger. The father gets out and procedes to give the jogger some guff, gets back in his son's car, and the son drives up the sidewalk and RUNS THE JOGGER OVER. He came up onto the hood of the car and then fell off, breaking his collar bone and suffering other injuries. The kid  and his father took off. I mean, CAN YOU GRASP THIS, PEOPLE?!!!! I tell ya, if NJ had right to carry firearm laws, with the attitudes around here, there would be gunned down bodies strewn everywhere. So how to end this post on a more positive note.
Hmm. Here's one. My 4 y-o nephew walked into the bathroom  the other day as my sis was dressing after a shower. He asked her why she wears such big underwear. She said, "oh I just do." He said, "don't you want to wear underwear like mine?" She said, "no this underwear is fine." He said, "but don't you want it to cover your butt?" She asked, ""this doesn't cover my butt?" He emphatically shook his head NO. Honesty ain't always what it's cracked up to be. That's him(Steven) with his sister, Sierra, and Liv down in Disney with Mary Poppins.