I went to an electrophysiologist on the 15th. I have to say, I REALLY liked this guy. Very calm, confident, and he took his time, making sure all my questions were answered. As I watched him speak, I'm thinking, "who does this guy remind me of?" I realized he looks like my brother-in-law. The good brother-in-law. Anyhoo, this is what he said: I have an extra electrical pathway in my heart. He said I've always had this. He said that this condition, and the neuro-cardio syncope, have probably been irritating/triggering each other all along. I was 19 when I started seeing doctors trying to find out why I had tachycardia and fainting spells. I am almost 47 before the whole puzzle is being figured out. My life would have been VERY different if they had put all this together years ago. Anyway, he recommended an ablation. He said that normally, in a person my age, they would just go with meds, but he did not like that my heart rate got up to 256 bpm and said that that can definitely render you unconscious(it almost did) and this is not something you want to happen on a plane or on vacation when not near a hospital. He told me some of the risks. 1% of patients wind up with damage to their normal electrical system and you wind up with a pacemaker for the rest of your life. Well, that would suck. In some people, it doesn't work all the way and they have to do it a second time. But he's confident that this will be a "knock the ball out of the park" procedure for me, and well worth it. It's actually his partner that he recommended do the surgery. He said he does LOTS of them. He said the other condition would probably improve after this ablation, and that, if not, they have medication for it that helps. But the electrical issue would be cured. I think I'm going to do it after our vacation to the shore July 4th week. I'm pretty calm about things now. He didn't seem to agree with my cardiologist that this was as deadly as he'd said it was. A woman from our MM support group meeting, 2 days later, told me that her husband had this done and that it was a piece of cake, and he'd been fine ever since. Another wife has this same condition and she was put on cardizem and it never happened again. This new doc said that the BP meds my cardiologist has put me on would help stop tachycardias, and my cardiologist had told me that. But, it's not as foolproof as going in and cauterizing the bad spot in my ticker. So that is the scoop. I have to try not to get myself riled up, in the interim. I have always noticed that big shots of adrenaline screw my heartbeat up bigtime. But, so much for staying calm, 'cause here is what happened to me today. I went to the post office, a 2 block walk from here. Took my Lacey puppy. It had rained earlier. While outside the post office, I stopped over on the side of the sidewalk(a wide walkway, our town gets a lot of foot traffic) to get all my mail together. I dash into the outside area of the post office and slip them quickly in the slot and dash out, 'cause I have the dog. Well, this guy, I'd say he was in his 30's, walked past us and I never saw him coming. Lacey jumped up to say hello and her paws hit his khakis before I could pull her back fast enough. Now, I ALWAYS make sure my dog can't jump on anyone. Some people come up and welcome it, but that is their choice. I use a VERY short leash for walks in crowds. I don't let her bother anyone. Not everyone wants puppy kisses and such.
I quickly said, "OH I am SO sorry. I did not see you coming," in an extremely apologetic tone. He walked a few steps, saw the damp, dirty footprint, and said in a really nasty tone, "THANKS!"
I threw my arms out and said, "She's a puppy." and he says to me "F*** YOU!" as he is crossing the street. Now I am mad. I said, "If this is the worst thing that happens to you today, then you're pretty lucky!" I walked home just amazed that this just happened. Sometimes, I HATE living in NJ and I have to ask here,
IS THERE ANYONE LIVING IN THIS STATE WHO IS NOT ON BLOOD PRESSURE MEDS?!!!!!!!! I mean, honestly, it was unintentional. I apologized quite heartily. I didn't see the dude coming! I go to take a little stroll to town with my doggie to run an errand and THAT is what you get. Pass me my calcium channel blockers, PUH-LEASE!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
THAT'S IT!!!!!!!
Today I went back to my regular cardiologist to have my BP checked. Still too high so he is upping the meds. It's weird 'cause I get some lovely readings, like 120/78, but then still get some bad ones 140/100 or so. Guess what it was in the doc's office? Drum roll please.....180/110. How do ya like them apples?!
Talk about your white coat syndrome. Wonder what it would be at the hot dentist's office? ;o) But, I digress. Anyway, the nurse took it when I first got in the room, and after the doc came in and spoke to me for a bit, he went to take it himself and I laughed at him. I said, "You can't think this will be lower with you here." He finished and said, "You're right, it wasn't." I can't quite figure this guy out. I know I like him better than some of the other docs in this practice but he has this way of "checking up" if the conversation gets even the least bit friendly or personal. It's so rare to see even a hint of a smile on him. The man needs a little animation. The good news was that I came right out and asked him if this ablation procedure could cure all this irregular beat and rhythm stuff I've had with my heart forever, and stop the blackouts and fainting spells that ruined half of my life. He said that it definitely could. I was
really glad to hear that. What a blessing to not have to think or deal with all that anymore, if that is indeed the case. Well, I'll know more on Tuesday, I suppose. Now, back to my blog title. Today on facebook, a woman from St. Louis posted a saying and it was a SUPER LIGHTBULB MOMENT for me. It said, I DIDN'T LOSE MY MIND, IT GOT SCARED AND RAN AWAY. That's it folks!!!Lorna, did you hear that? That is what happened. We haven't lost our minds. They just got spooked when the sh** hit the fan and ran off on holiday for awhile. Phew!!! I feel so much better now.
And speaking about things that make your heart go pitter-pat, check out the dude my sis was standing in line with in Disney. She snapped off a few pics, solely by accident, of course! *wink*
And, the tat on his arm says USMC......YA THINK?!!!!
Disney is a magical place! ;o)
Talk about your white coat syndrome. Wonder what it would be at the hot dentist's office? ;o) But, I digress. Anyway, the nurse took it when I first got in the room, and after the doc came in and spoke to me for a bit, he went to take it himself and I laughed at him. I said, "You can't think this will be lower with you here." He finished and said, "You're right, it wasn't." I can't quite figure this guy out. I know I like him better than some of the other docs in this practice but he has this way of "checking up" if the conversation gets even the least bit friendly or personal. It's so rare to see even a hint of a smile on him. The man needs a little animation. The good news was that I came right out and asked him if this ablation procedure could cure all this irregular beat and rhythm stuff I've had with my heart forever, and stop the blackouts and fainting spells that ruined half of my life. He said that it definitely could. I was
really glad to hear that. What a blessing to not have to think or deal with all that anymore, if that is indeed the case. Well, I'll know more on Tuesday, I suppose. Now, back to my blog title. Today on facebook, a woman from St. Louis posted a saying and it was a SUPER LIGHTBULB MOMENT for me. It said, I DIDN'T LOSE MY MIND, IT GOT SCARED AND RAN AWAY. That's it folks!!!Lorna, did you hear that? That is what happened. We haven't lost our minds. They just got spooked when the sh** hit the fan and ran off on holiday for awhile. Phew!!! I feel so much better now.
And speaking about things that make your heart go pitter-pat, check out the dude my sis was standing in line with in Disney. She snapped off a few pics, solely by accident, of course! *wink*
And, the tat on his arm says USMC......YA THINK?!!!!
Disney is a magical place! ;o)
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Moping but coping
I got a phone call Wed. night from my cardiologist, just as I was getting dinner ready. It was not a great
conversation. It seems that arrythmia that put me in the ER a few weeks ago, was not as benign as was
originally thought. He got the EKG strips from the EMT's that treated me in the ambulance, while I
was right at the curb, in front of my house. My heart rate was 250 bpm. I knew that but I don't think he believed it until he saw the proof, himself. Yes, that's about 4 beats per second and NOT a nice feeling, I can tell you. My doctor seems to think I have an electrical short circuit in my heart and it has to be repaired. He said, "you could keel over from this." Just freekin' great. Not enough that my kid has one parent with a life-threatening illness, she hit the jackpot and has two. I had to make an appt. with an electrophysiologist for the 15th and get all my heart-related medical records sent to him. The good news is that I can have this "ablation" procedure done and it will be cured. I will not have to spend my life worrying that this could happen again. It won't. But, I, of course, am very nervous. They go into your heart with a catheter and map out your electrical circuits and find the one that is not being a team player and cauterize it. I really don't have much of a choice, so I suppose that takes a LITTLE bit of the angst out of it. My doc said I cannot walk around with this. (Gosh, I really wanted to tell him to ZIP IT.)
He said I've probably had this since I was born, and what I am praying for, is that this is what has caused my irregular heartbeats all along, and the fainting spells that changed the course of my life, and that all of this will be cured by this procedure, if in fact my doc is right and this is what it is. This phone call put me into a funk, but I am going on with things. I've gotten much better, over the years, at dealing with things. I used to worry myself sick, and many times it was for nothing, false alarms, etc. Now, I just try to get on with it and let the pieces fall into place. Maybe, it's just a "giving up" of the notion that I am in control. I said to myself the other day, "if God intends to take me, there isn't a darn thing I can do about it." I sure hope that is NOT his plan though and I do have to take care of whatever this is so I can stick around here. I looked up the practice that my doc recommended on the internet. There are 4 doctors and only one was given high praise by patients, in a survey. When I made the appt. the woman asked me which one I wanted to see. I learned a long time ago to ask nurses, or a doctor's employees, which one they themselves would use because they KNOW these doctors. They know who they would trust with their health and are usually happy to share that with you, if asked. So I told her, "Look, I have a husband with cancer and a 13-year-old. Checking out is not an option here. Which one of these doctors would you use if you were in my position?" Without hesitation, she said, "Dr. "R". That is who you want to see." That is the doctor who got the great reviews from patients too. So it's off to Dr. R, who I hope will be gentle with this frightened patient.When I told Tim what my cardiologist had said, after getting off the phone Wed., he said,
"Just another day in paradise at our house!" Now, just like everything else, he has put it out of his mind and was just saying the other day, "we should go away for a few days on Memorial day weekend. Maybe we'll go here or there" etc. I was like "HELLOOOOOOO, remember me?, I may be having a cardiac procedure around then!!!!!! You think I want to take a trip right now, with what's going on?" I tell ya, I'm just invisible around here. Last night, I went to bed and he picked Liv up at 10 pm. The two of them were laughing and yelling downstairs and woke me up.They kept it up and I finally yelled down, "you're kidding me right?!" Tim was like, " I didn't know you were asleep." No, he just came up a half hour before and I was in bed. WHY IN THE WORLD would he think I was asleep and they should refrain from yelling? Some days, I feel like nothing but a pack mule around here.
conversation. It seems that arrythmia that put me in the ER a few weeks ago, was not as benign as was
originally thought. He got the EKG strips from the EMT's that treated me in the ambulance, while I
was right at the curb, in front of my house. My heart rate was 250 bpm. I knew that but I don't think he believed it until he saw the proof, himself. Yes, that's about 4 beats per second and NOT a nice feeling, I can tell you. My doctor seems to think I have an electrical short circuit in my heart and it has to be repaired. He said, "you could keel over from this." Just freekin' great. Not enough that my kid has one parent with a life-threatening illness, she hit the jackpot and has two. I had to make an appt. with an electrophysiologist for the 15th and get all my heart-related medical records sent to him. The good news is that I can have this "ablation" procedure done and it will be cured. I will not have to spend my life worrying that this could happen again. It won't. But, I, of course, am very nervous. They go into your heart with a catheter and map out your electrical circuits and find the one that is not being a team player and cauterize it. I really don't have much of a choice, so I suppose that takes a LITTLE bit of the angst out of it. My doc said I cannot walk around with this. (Gosh, I really wanted to tell him to ZIP IT.)
He said I've probably had this since I was born, and what I am praying for, is that this is what has caused my irregular heartbeats all along, and the fainting spells that changed the course of my life, and that all of this will be cured by this procedure, if in fact my doc is right and this is what it is. This phone call put me into a funk, but I am going on with things. I've gotten much better, over the years, at dealing with things. I used to worry myself sick, and many times it was for nothing, false alarms, etc. Now, I just try to get on with it and let the pieces fall into place. Maybe, it's just a "giving up" of the notion that I am in control. I said to myself the other day, "if God intends to take me, there isn't a darn thing I can do about it." I sure hope that is NOT his plan though and I do have to take care of whatever this is so I can stick around here. I looked up the practice that my doc recommended on the internet. There are 4 doctors and only one was given high praise by patients, in a survey. When I made the appt. the woman asked me which one I wanted to see. I learned a long time ago to ask nurses, or a doctor's employees, which one they themselves would use because they KNOW these doctors. They know who they would trust with their health and are usually happy to share that with you, if asked. So I told her, "Look, I have a husband with cancer and a 13-year-old. Checking out is not an option here. Which one of these doctors would you use if you were in my position?" Without hesitation, she said, "Dr. "R". That is who you want to see." That is the doctor who got the great reviews from patients too. So it's off to Dr. R, who I hope will be gentle with this frightened patient.When I told Tim what my cardiologist had said, after getting off the phone Wed., he said,
"Just another day in paradise at our house!" Now, just like everything else, he has put it out of his mind and was just saying the other day, "we should go away for a few days on Memorial day weekend. Maybe we'll go here or there" etc. I was like "HELLOOOOOOO, remember me?, I may be having a cardiac procedure around then!!!!!! You think I want to take a trip right now, with what's going on?" I tell ya, I'm just invisible around here. Last night, I went to bed and he picked Liv up at 10 pm. The two of them were laughing and yelling downstairs and woke me up.They kept it up and I finally yelled down, "you're kidding me right?!" Tim was like, " I didn't know you were asleep." No, he just came up a half hour before and I was in bed. WHY IN THE WORLD would he think I was asleep and they should refrain from yelling? Some days, I feel like nothing but a pack mule around here.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
WAIT, I hadn't even totally figured out the last configuration!
I guess my blog changed. When I sign in now, it has a whole new format that I can't even begin to figure out. It just took me a minute to even find out how to make a new post. OY! I hate the new facebook timeline too, and have not switched my own page, but understand that they will all change automatically on some such date. Terrific. Just when I start to feel somewhat adept at something, they change it all around. So, onto the news. Not too much, I guess. I started my blood pressure meds on Sunday. The doc didn't think this low dose was gonna touch my numbers but it has. So far, no troubling side effects to report, which is a miracle for me. I can't avoid these meds anymore. My pressure is way too high. My car is at the shop for the second time in a week. Something is majorly wrong with it. It's only got 57K miles on it. Boy, they don't build them like they used to. I'm hoping it doesn't cost too much. I'm only keeping it another year or so. Olivia is still kicking butt in softball. She is striking out batters like crazy, catching pop flies and throwing girls out on base. She has made most of the outs herself and even hitting really well this year. She totally rocked on Friday night and the head coach gave her the game ball. The kid is dominating the mound. We were freezing Friday night and in the first inning, she struck out the 1st, 2nd, and 4th batters, retiring the inning in 4 hitters. She got hits at all her at-bats, and parents were coming up to me in the dugout and saying, "MAN, she's on FIRE!" It was great fun! Our 2 poor catchers were catching her fastballs with cold hands and both of them said their hands were hurting, she was throwing so hard. I spoke to my mother-in-law for the first time in 6 months. I had to call her to give her field directions for that game. I kept the conversation to Olivia's games and an injury she'd suffered in the prior game(catcher ran into her as Liv was about to catch a short pop-fly and knocked her silly, hitting her in the mouth with the catcher's helmet and cutting her lips up on her braces.) She is fine, though. I don't think Tim's mom wants any part of getting into "things" with me. Neither she nor Tim's dad EVER says a word about what happened, not that there have been more than a few, short phone calls anyway. I'm sure they don't want to hear the truth. I think it's bad enough for them to know that they screwed over their son and his family so badly, he doesn't want to see or speak to them, and Tim's sure they're hoping it will just "blow over" in time. My parents are home from their cruise. Mom wound up in the ER when they got back, with what she thinks was an intestinal parasite, but overall, they enjoyed the cruise. Her memory is really slipping, and mine seems to be nearly as bad, which scares the heck out of me. I'm so hoping it's all this menopause and stress nonsense going on with me. Cancer is still such a main focus in my mind. The other night, I took Liv and her friend to a charity basketball game, played by some teachers and parents from our town's 2 elementary schools. It was to benefit a family, whose 1st grade daughter has been fighting brain cancer since she was 13 months old. We wound up sitting right behind the family. I almost cried several times. Here's this pale, little girl who is mostly bald with scars on her head and little wisps of hair poking out. Here we were, right behind them, with our own cancer battle going on, and a few rows behind us, was a girl whose dad died of colon cancer a few years ago (I knew him since I was a teen, he married a girl I was friends with.) In the space of 10 feet, you had 3 families devastated by cancer. CANCER SUCKS! I just don't know how you go on, when it's your kid though. I know people don't know how I go on, with Tim having it. I guess the answer is the same. What freekin' choice do you have? This mom in front of me, had 2 younger girls too. The youngest, under 1 and still nursing. I guess, like me, she puts the game face on and does what she has to do for her family. If the mom goes down, the whole shebang falls apart. Some days, I think I'll go get a steel magnolia tatooed on myself. I'm no southern gal, but I don't know what would substitute as a northern/jersey girl symbol. Maybe brass knuckles. Soldiering on.......
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Cardio doc visit
Yesterday was my visit with my cardiologist's PA. Luckily, or unluckily, she decided my case was too sensitive not to call in the "big guns" so after consulting with him in another room for about 20 minutes, in he walked with her. I gotta tell ya, it gives a person pause when a long-time cardiologist is so nervous about putting you on blood pressure meds that he takes a half hour to go back and forth in his mind about it and shows such a lack of confidence in his decision, even though my blood pressure is way too high. Knowing how panicky I am about meds(I've had many adverse reactions in the past), he said, "are you gonna take this if I prescribe it?" I said, "I really don't have a choice, I've got a 13 year-old kid and a husband with cancer, I can't keep walking around with BP this high." I am very nervous about taking it and am trying to find a day when Tim will be around and I won't be home all day by myself to start it and those days are hard to find with his work schedule. The doc is starting me on the lowest dose. He doesn't even think it's gonna do much for my BP but he wants to build me up slowly. Oy, I just feel like nothing is easy for me. I hope I can tolerate it. I have to do something. I sure wish I'd had the will power to diet and exercise but he has told me it wouldn't matter. Not sure I totally agree with that, but the truth is, I have not done it, so I have nobody to blame for not knowing if it would help, but me. My whole family has high blood pressure and they've all been on meds since their 30's. I've put it off too long. Hopefully, all this worry will have been for nothing and I can get on it, do well, and that will be that. I don't even think I want to read the warnings. That's not my normal M.O. but why scare myself more. I have to get on something and he thinks this is my safest bet. I was a little annoyed when I found out that the hospital had not forwarded the EKG tapes from the ambulance. The EMT specifically printed and marked a bunch of them, saying that they would be very helpful for my doctor, and my doctor agreed, saying he wished he had the tapes. I have to call today and see if I can track them down and I am hoping they were not thrown away or lost. Well, off to my list of things to do. Too many chores, not enough time or energy OR desire to do them. Story of my life.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
These days
I am recovering from my recent scare a lot better than I might have imagined I would've. I don't know if it was the valium and sleep deprived state I was in when it happened, making it feel like it was a bad dream, or the fact that I fear going back down the agoraphobia route much more than I fear SVT happening again. But, whatever the reason,
I have put it behind me pretty well. Oh, I'm sure my frequent palpitations will give me a bit more of
a "start" when they happen now. And, my next vacation may be a little nerve-wracking, knowing I am not so near to healthcare. But, after all the scares I have had in my life, one realizes that if something is not happening to you right now, you can't sit around waiting for it to happen, you have to get on with it. With our current life situation, going back to avoidance behaviors, with the responsibilities that I have now, and Tim's insane work schedule, is just not an option. I go to the cardiologist this Tuesday. I will be nervous, AND annoyed because it took so long to get this appt. and I'm still only seeing my doctor's assistant. I hope I can start blood pressure meds, that will also help me avoid another incident like this last one, without causing more fainting issues. A lot to consider here and I HATE not talking to my own doctor about it. I'm starting to think I should have waited for his next opening, but we'll see how it goes. On another topic, we have started our softball season. Olivia is starting pitcher this year(she was relief last year). She is doing fantastic, though it is VERY hard watching your kid pitch. SO MUCH pressure. We won all 4 games that we played. On Tuesday night, we played a game that had to end in the 4th inning due to darkness. Most fields have lights, but not all.
Liv pitched the whole game(they can only pitch 4 innings at this age). They stopped the game after the 2nd out of the 4th and out of 11 outs total in the game, Olivia made 8 of them. She struck out 4, and fielded 4 grounders, tagging one runner out, and throwing 3 more out at bases. It was AWESOME and nights like that get me so pumped up, as well as make all those expensive pitching lessons worthwhile. She has told us that this is her last year. She has gotten tired of softball, having played since 1st grade. I'm sad but it's her decision and Tim and I have coached for all those years. I like being a spectator too and it will be nice to have more time to myself in the springs. My parents are coming home from a 10-day cruise on Sunday. They called me from an island the other day. I think it was Antigua. They said it was gross. I don't know why they would stop at places like this. I guess there are nice parts of the island, but the area where they docked was complete with open sewers and rats and they were really turned off. They started to explore and just headed back to the boat instead. I've never wanted to go on a cruise. People think I'm nuts but with my vertigo, and lousy stomach(people rave about the food they serve), I find no allure. I like the ocean, from the beach perspective and not from the middle of it. Anyhoo, I have decided not to tell my folks about my episode. They are so worried for me and my family already, with Tim's MM. My mom's memory is slipping and she is possibly living her worst nightmare(alzheimers). They don't need more things to make them sad and worried. I also don't want them to think they can't go away on trips because they think we need them here for a support system, knowing we don't have Tim's family. Speaking of Tim's family, his parents came to one of Liv's games this past week. They have been leaving messages asking about the schedule and when I finally got it, I mailed it to them. Kinda nerve-wracking having them there but at least the bleachers were not close to my dugout. I sent Liv over after the game to see them, for the 1st time in 6 months. They gave her an Easter gift but spent surprisingly little time with her, and then left. Truly a sad situation. One wonders if my father-in-law has changed his attitude, after seeing how dearly it cost them, but my brother-in-law just took him to VT to have him spackle their laundry room and my father-in-law still called him a derogatory name. Honestly, I guarantee you that you have NEVER met anyone with a bigger chip on their shoulder. He thinks that tearing everyone down, brings them to his level of misery. He is going to wind up with noone in his life, except his wife, who has put up with it for 55+ years, and the kids of theirs who are waiting for an inheritance. I guess leopards really don't change their spots and some people never learn from their mistakes. So, back to moi. I started working on ME, this week. I'm doing a little meditation to calm my mind and got in for a massage. Gonna try to keep it up. I need to find a way to relax more and focus my mind on tasks at hand. Despite my life being somewhat mundane, my mind has been in a whirlwind for it seems like forever. I need to slow it down. I feel like I'm going nowhere, but at warp speed, like a gerbil on one of those exercise wheels. The days just keep spinning away and I'm accomplishing very little around here. Nothing new there, but I really do have a LOT of things that are long past due, and my life would be so much easier, and calmer, if I were organized and caught up. Why can't I get myself to DO THIS? I think that it's all gotten so far away from me, I am overwhelmed and know it can't be solved in one sitting. I need an assistant, someone I can delegate the everyday stuff to, so I can get to these necessary projects. I guess I have
to be happy taking "baby steps" and getting a little done at a time. SO not good at that patience thing.
Maybe I need to move down south, where the pace of life seems slower. It would probably drive a Jersey girl like me CRAZY, though. It's a short trip! Opening day starts in awhile. Gotta run.
I have put it behind me pretty well. Oh, I'm sure my frequent palpitations will give me a bit more of
a "start" when they happen now. And, my next vacation may be a little nerve-wracking, knowing I am not so near to healthcare. But, after all the scares I have had in my life, one realizes that if something is not happening to you right now, you can't sit around waiting for it to happen, you have to get on with it. With our current life situation, going back to avoidance behaviors, with the responsibilities that I have now, and Tim's insane work schedule, is just not an option. I go to the cardiologist this Tuesday. I will be nervous, AND annoyed because it took so long to get this appt. and I'm still only seeing my doctor's assistant. I hope I can start blood pressure meds, that will also help me avoid another incident like this last one, without causing more fainting issues. A lot to consider here and I HATE not talking to my own doctor about it. I'm starting to think I should have waited for his next opening, but we'll see how it goes. On another topic, we have started our softball season. Olivia is starting pitcher this year(she was relief last year). She is doing fantastic, though it is VERY hard watching your kid pitch. SO MUCH pressure. We won all 4 games that we played. On Tuesday night, we played a game that had to end in the 4th inning due to darkness. Most fields have lights, but not all.
Liv pitched the whole game(they can only pitch 4 innings at this age). They stopped the game after the 2nd out of the 4th and out of 11 outs total in the game, Olivia made 8 of them. She struck out 4, and fielded 4 grounders, tagging one runner out, and throwing 3 more out at bases. It was AWESOME and nights like that get me so pumped up, as well as make all those expensive pitching lessons worthwhile. She has told us that this is her last year. She has gotten tired of softball, having played since 1st grade. I'm sad but it's her decision and Tim and I have coached for all those years. I like being a spectator too and it will be nice to have more time to myself in the springs. My parents are coming home from a 10-day cruise on Sunday. They called me from an island the other day. I think it was Antigua. They said it was gross. I don't know why they would stop at places like this. I guess there are nice parts of the island, but the area where they docked was complete with open sewers and rats and they were really turned off. They started to explore and just headed back to the boat instead. I've never wanted to go on a cruise. People think I'm nuts but with my vertigo, and lousy stomach(people rave about the food they serve), I find no allure. I like the ocean, from the beach perspective and not from the middle of it. Anyhoo, I have decided not to tell my folks about my episode. They are so worried for me and my family already, with Tim's MM. My mom's memory is slipping and she is possibly living her worst nightmare(alzheimers). They don't need more things to make them sad and worried. I also don't want them to think they can't go away on trips because they think we need them here for a support system, knowing we don't have Tim's family. Speaking of Tim's family, his parents came to one of Liv's games this past week. They have been leaving messages asking about the schedule and when I finally got it, I mailed it to them. Kinda nerve-wracking having them there but at least the bleachers were not close to my dugout. I sent Liv over after the game to see them, for the 1st time in 6 months. They gave her an Easter gift but spent surprisingly little time with her, and then left. Truly a sad situation. One wonders if my father-in-law has changed his attitude, after seeing how dearly it cost them, but my brother-in-law just took him to VT to have him spackle their laundry room and my father-in-law still called him a derogatory name. Honestly, I guarantee you that you have NEVER met anyone with a bigger chip on their shoulder. He thinks that tearing everyone down, brings them to his level of misery. He is going to wind up with noone in his life, except his wife, who has put up with it for 55+ years, and the kids of theirs who are waiting for an inheritance. I guess leopards really don't change their spots and some people never learn from their mistakes. So, back to moi. I started working on ME, this week. I'm doing a little meditation to calm my mind and got in for a massage. Gonna try to keep it up. I need to find a way to relax more and focus my mind on tasks at hand. Despite my life being somewhat mundane, my mind has been in a whirlwind for it seems like forever. I need to slow it down. I feel like I'm going nowhere, but at warp speed, like a gerbil on one of those exercise wheels. The days just keep spinning away and I'm accomplishing very little around here. Nothing new there, but I really do have a LOT of things that are long past due, and my life would be so much easier, and calmer, if I were organized and caught up. Why can't I get myself to DO THIS? I think that it's all gotten so far away from me, I am overwhelmed and know it can't be solved in one sitting. I need an assistant, someone I can delegate the everyday stuff to, so I can get to these necessary projects. I guess I have
to be happy taking "baby steps" and getting a little done at a time. SO not good at that patience thing.
Maybe I need to move down south, where the pace of life seems slower. It would probably drive a Jersey girl like me CRAZY, though. It's a short trip! Opening day starts in awhile. Gotta run.
Friday, April 13, 2012
A day in the life of a stressed out caregiver
Well folks, I thought I was checking out yesterday and as I lay in an ambulance, having to have my heart stopped and re-started, TWICE, to stop the arrythmia and 250 BPM heart rate I had, I thought,
"how are my blog buddies going to find out that I "popped my clogs?" Noone knows about my blog to sign on and tell them.
Anyhoo, two stellar men saved my arse and I'm here to tell you about it, myself. To start at the beginning, well, not really, but I don't want to bore you any more than necessary, I sit at this computer too much. I sit on my legs too much. Sometimes, I cut off the blood flow too much and make myself woozy. I run to the couch, lie down and put my feet up, my heart beats hard and fast to get the blood to my brain, and after a few deep breaths, I'm fine. I have a history of irregular heart rates and fainting spells. While it's always scary,
I've had to find a way to live with it. Yesterday, I ran to the couch feeling faint and my heart went insanely fast and would not slow down. I freaked my poor kid out, and called an ambulance, while she called Tim from her cell phone. Tim knows so many cops, from doing their wood floors and becoming so well known in his business,(a fact that has gotten 2 employees and one employee's girlfriend out of a traffic ticket) that in a minute, every cop in our town had raced to our house and our favorite one was the first one here putting oxygen on my face while I lay on my porch trying to stay conscious. The ambulance came, then the mobile, intensive care unit, which thankfully, parks right up the road from my house when not on another call. They would not even drive to the ER. They hooked up leads, said, "she's in SVT", and I thought, "OH SHIT." There were plenty of times in the next few hours that I wished I did NOT know about medical stuff. I knew this was something "ventricular tachycardia" and that I was in an arrythmia. NOT good. They gave me a medication that stopped my heart and restarted it. They told me to cough if they told me to. I also knew that that is something they tell people to do when they are having a heart attack. Just freekin' great. Not a pleasant experience having your heart stopped and kick started again and if you have the choice between that and a colonoscopy, choose the latter. It feels like you're having a heart attack, and you kinda are having an induced cardiac arrest. They had to do it again with 2x the dose to stop my heart longer, it hurt even worse, and it finally snapped my heart back into the correct pattern. Then they drove to the hospital. I had to keep myself from "back gurney" driving because I drive to this hospital all the time and don't know why they took the route through my town that they did. I guess it would not be a great idea to complain about the person driving you to the hospital. I sat for hours in an overcrowded ER. They would not let Tim in for a few hours. My blood pressure was way too high but my heart was stable and they gave me some meds for the BP(a beta blocker and a valium, after I refused 1mg of IV ativan because I wanted to be awake by the weekend) and sent my traumatized ass on home telling me to go to my cardiologist. I thought for sure I was going to die. I told the medics in the ambulance, "ya see that guy looking in the back window?, he has cancer and we have a 13 year old kid, please get me through this." And they did a bang up job of doing just that. The one guy had lost his wife to pancreatic cancer and when he left me at the ER, he said, "I'm gonna stop by your house and check up on you when you get home." How freekin' sweet is that? It was a scary event, to be sure. He asked if I was nervous because my BP which was low with the arrythmia, then went high, which is more my norm, especially when anxious. I said, "Am I nervous?!!! Does a bear shit in the woods." They laughed and said, "I guess you're fine now, you got your sense of humor back." Meanwhile I'm thinking, I'm just trying not to cry here 'cause I am REALLY PISSED that this has happened to me and my family. And, here is a brief description of our support system. My parents just left on a 12 day cruise. My older sister, who lives close by to me, is in Baltimore on a business trip.
My younger sister, who is an ER nurse, estranged herself from our family after her divorce. My youngest sister, lives an hour away and has 2 small kids. Tim's parents, live just a few minutes away, in the next town, and we are not on speaking terms and Tim said, "NO" when I suggested we may have to have them watch Olivia. Luckily, we made it work with friends and terrific neighbors and as much as I bitch about living in NJ, where people can be cold and selfish, I must admit, there are so many people who were willing to jump into action for us, including my Pastor and church lady friends, and the medical help was at my front door in minutes. The first cop on the scene knows us personally,(Tim did his floors) and he knows Tim's medical situation and was so sweet to me when he got here. I was laying on the porch with an oxygen mask on and closing my eyes to relax and block the sun and the poor guy thought he was losing me. He said, "Open your eyes and talk to me Denise, don't go to sleep." I guess we are pretty blessed to be living in our little town. AND I guess I have to get more serious about taking care of me and getting stress out of my life. Stress and lack of sleep are major causes of this and I've had both of them, in spades, lately. I have to make an appt. with my cardiologist and go on blood pressure meds and see if there is anything else I have to do to avoid another "cardioversion" procedure. I also have to try to make sure this does not snap me back into the avoidance behaviors that caused my agoraphobia when I had all those blackouts and fainting spells.
It's a real shock to my psyche, because the way I have always coped with the irregular heart rates and
pre-faints, is to say, "OK just take a few breaths, this will pass in seconds." Well, this one did not and put me into a pretty hairy situation that is gonna cause some significant fear in the future. Heck, I was just in the boonies in VT a week ago. If this had happened up there, so far from medical care, could I have "bought the farm?" I dunno. And I don't want to find out. It's a new day and I HAVE to get serious about self help. I AM NOT doing enough to control my stress. So all of you out there who are living under stress, get help, take care of yourself, make yourself a priority. You may get away with not taking care of yourself for awhile, but it will catch up with you eventually. I wish I had been spared this very scary situation and what it did to my kid. Peace of mind is worth more than anything in the world. Without it, it doesn't matter what else you've got, it won't make you happy.
"how are my blog buddies going to find out that I "popped my clogs?" Noone knows about my blog to sign on and tell them.
Anyhoo, two stellar men saved my arse and I'm here to tell you about it, myself. To start at the beginning, well, not really, but I don't want to bore you any more than necessary, I sit at this computer too much. I sit on my legs too much. Sometimes, I cut off the blood flow too much and make myself woozy. I run to the couch, lie down and put my feet up, my heart beats hard and fast to get the blood to my brain, and after a few deep breaths, I'm fine. I have a history of irregular heart rates and fainting spells. While it's always scary,
I've had to find a way to live with it. Yesterday, I ran to the couch feeling faint and my heart went insanely fast and would not slow down. I freaked my poor kid out, and called an ambulance, while she called Tim from her cell phone. Tim knows so many cops, from doing their wood floors and becoming so well known in his business,(a fact that has gotten 2 employees and one employee's girlfriend out of a traffic ticket) that in a minute, every cop in our town had raced to our house and our favorite one was the first one here putting oxygen on my face while I lay on my porch trying to stay conscious. The ambulance came, then the mobile, intensive care unit, which thankfully, parks right up the road from my house when not on another call. They would not even drive to the ER. They hooked up leads, said, "she's in SVT", and I thought, "OH SHIT." There were plenty of times in the next few hours that I wished I did NOT know about medical stuff. I knew this was something "ventricular tachycardia" and that I was in an arrythmia. NOT good. They gave me a medication that stopped my heart and restarted it. They told me to cough if they told me to. I also knew that that is something they tell people to do when they are having a heart attack. Just freekin' great. Not a pleasant experience having your heart stopped and kick started again and if you have the choice between that and a colonoscopy, choose the latter. It feels like you're having a heart attack, and you kinda are having an induced cardiac arrest. They had to do it again with 2x the dose to stop my heart longer, it hurt even worse, and it finally snapped my heart back into the correct pattern. Then they drove to the hospital. I had to keep myself from "back gurney" driving because I drive to this hospital all the time and don't know why they took the route through my town that they did. I guess it would not be a great idea to complain about the person driving you to the hospital. I sat for hours in an overcrowded ER. They would not let Tim in for a few hours. My blood pressure was way too high but my heart was stable and they gave me some meds for the BP(a beta blocker and a valium, after I refused 1mg of IV ativan because I wanted to be awake by the weekend) and sent my traumatized ass on home telling me to go to my cardiologist. I thought for sure I was going to die. I told the medics in the ambulance, "ya see that guy looking in the back window?, he has cancer and we have a 13 year old kid, please get me through this." And they did a bang up job of doing just that. The one guy had lost his wife to pancreatic cancer and when he left me at the ER, he said, "I'm gonna stop by your house and check up on you when you get home." How freekin' sweet is that? It was a scary event, to be sure. He asked if I was nervous because my BP which was low with the arrythmia, then went high, which is more my norm, especially when anxious. I said, "Am I nervous?!!! Does a bear shit in the woods." They laughed and said, "I guess you're fine now, you got your sense of humor back." Meanwhile I'm thinking, I'm just trying not to cry here 'cause I am REALLY PISSED that this has happened to me and my family. And, here is a brief description of our support system. My parents just left on a 12 day cruise. My older sister, who lives close by to me, is in Baltimore on a business trip.
My younger sister, who is an ER nurse, estranged herself from our family after her divorce. My youngest sister, lives an hour away and has 2 small kids. Tim's parents, live just a few minutes away, in the next town, and we are not on speaking terms and Tim said, "NO" when I suggested we may have to have them watch Olivia. Luckily, we made it work with friends and terrific neighbors and as much as I bitch about living in NJ, where people can be cold and selfish, I must admit, there are so many people who were willing to jump into action for us, including my Pastor and church lady friends, and the medical help was at my front door in minutes. The first cop on the scene knows us personally,(Tim did his floors) and he knows Tim's medical situation and was so sweet to me when he got here. I was laying on the porch with an oxygen mask on and closing my eyes to relax and block the sun and the poor guy thought he was losing me. He said, "Open your eyes and talk to me Denise, don't go to sleep." I guess we are pretty blessed to be living in our little town. AND I guess I have to get more serious about taking care of me and getting stress out of my life. Stress and lack of sleep are major causes of this and I've had both of them, in spades, lately. I have to make an appt. with my cardiologist and go on blood pressure meds and see if there is anything else I have to do to avoid another "cardioversion" procedure. I also have to try to make sure this does not snap me back into the avoidance behaviors that caused my agoraphobia when I had all those blackouts and fainting spells.
It's a real shock to my psyche, because the way I have always coped with the irregular heart rates and
pre-faints, is to say, "OK just take a few breaths, this will pass in seconds." Well, this one did not and put me into a pretty hairy situation that is gonna cause some significant fear in the future. Heck, I was just in the boonies in VT a week ago. If this had happened up there, so far from medical care, could I have "bought the farm?" I dunno. And I don't want to find out. It's a new day and I HAVE to get serious about self help. I AM NOT doing enough to control my stress. So all of you out there who are living under stress, get help, take care of yourself, make yourself a priority. You may get away with not taking care of yourself for awhile, but it will catch up with you eventually. I wish I had been spared this very scary situation and what it did to my kid. Peace of mind is worth more than anything in the world. Without it, it doesn't matter what else you've got, it won't make you happy.
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