We are done with our summer vacations. Always a bit depressing. We spent a week in Chincoteague. I rented a house right on the bay that is pet friendly and we brought the dog. It was nice. At first we
were a little dismayed about the house. It had VERY low ceilings on the first floor(these are basically old cottages) and it felt really cramped, but, the bedrooms upstairs had vaulted ceilings and ours had 4 windows that all had views of the bay, and a king-sized bed. I woke up every morning and watched birds and boats out on the bay right from my bed. NICE! I'd never get anything done if I had that kind of view at home.
After a few days, we got over the cramped feeling and the location won us over.
The people there are so friendly, it's hard to come home to the metropolitan area we live in after that.
The house did not have internet so Liv and I were unplugged for most of the week, with the exception of checking e-mail a few times using a free site at an ice cream joint. I think it was a good thing to be "off the grid" for a week. It was a much needed vacation for Tim. They all are. He is having his busiest summer ever and is working weekends and nights trying to stay on schedule. He had the slowest winter he ever had in business, and now, he's had to turn down quite a lot of work because he just cannot get to everybody. He is stressed, and that sucks, but, it's better than not having enough work.
Before we went, we had a 75th birthday party, here at our house, for my dad. That went well. It'll probably be the last big party we have in this family. My mom is not into that kind of attention for herself and her memory is getting really bad. It's so sad. Nothing to be done, I suppose, but just bear it. My father has put in for some family leave. He should just retire, and may have to soon, but I know he is afraid to. He loves his job and is a people person. He did not like being home when he retired the first time. My mom is getting to the point that she should not be alone as much as she is and I know it will be hard for my dad, both to quit his job, and to answer the same questions over and over all day. As for me, I am in the throws of menopause and hot flashing my butt off again this summer. I am tired all the time too and my brain is fuzzy as heck. Gosh, it isn't easy being a woman. Health-wise, Tim is doing well, with the exception of headaches, which I think are all stress related. His last check-up went well. His numbers stayed stable, even went down a smidge. At his prior appt. the doc said the recent shingles outbreak could have jumped them up a bit. That's about all that's new here. Same old, same old. I turned 48 in Chincoteague. I don't know how I got this old. Life just blew by me. Tim turns 50 in February. I don't know what to do for him. How do you have a party with none of his family there? We might take a vacation. None of us have ever been to an "island" so maybe that's what we'll do instead. I hate flying, but, it's his 50th, if that's what he wants, I'll suck it up. I'm also nervous about going to some island. When there are medical problems to consider, there's always the fear that something could happen and you're in this place that doesn't have great medical care. UGH, so hard not to think about all those "what ifs." Oh well, as my sister says, "jump off that bridge when you get to it."
In some way, our summer has already ended. Liv started with cheerleading practice last Monday. She is also coaching for the recreation league again this year so we went right back to schedules and running around, even though there were 4 weeks left before school starts. Not happy about that. High school is a whole other ball game when it comes to being involved in sports. It is a crazy amount of time commitment. Anyway, hope y'all are enjoying your summer.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
I'm pretty sure vacations are not supposed to go like this................
So, we did our annual trek to Cape May with my parents for the July 4th week. We left on Monday morning and came home yesterday afternoon(Friday). We try to avoid travelling the Garden State Parkway, or a better name would be "Garden State Parking Lot," on the summer weekends. Last year's trip was rough.
My mom's memory is getting worse quickly and she does not want to go to the beach anymore, preferring so stay by the pool at the motel. She burst into tears one day while we were talking, apparently forgetting that Tim is not cured of his MM. Also, Tim was having neuropathy in his calves and feet and informed me that it had been going on for some time. A depressing vacation, to say the least.
This year, my younger sister came with her husband and 2 kids, 10 and 6. We are trying to get these family trips in while my mom still can and Cathy has wanted to come down with us for a number of years. I was looking forward to redeeming last year's trip. Well, it was not to be. Me and Cathy are very close and crack each other up all the time. The weather was rainy though, Tim and Dad's golf game didn't happen, but we had gotten some beach time in by Wednesday afternoon, after being rained off the beach earlier that day. Wednesday night, we went to a restaurant on the bay called
Harpoon Henry's. We do this every year. They have a little street fair along the bay and fireworks
after sundown. We had to wait for a table so we sat outside by one of the bars and margaritas were abound. Not for me. I am the best designated driver, I don't drink at all and my sister was driving the other car and only had one. Tim and my brother-in-law Chris had several by the time we were done with dinner. After dinner, my mom spent a little while in the ladies' room and we were concerned her meal did not agree with her. My mom likes to eat, a little too much, actually she likes it a lot too much. I didn't eat at all at the restaurants. My stomach has been awful lately so I ate pasta before we went out and just enjoyed the company while everyone else ate.
After the meal, we walked out the side of the restaurant to see the fireworks. It was crowded. This is the only joint on that bay side and the streets were mobbed too. My sister noticed that it appeared my mom was not feeling well. We kept our eyes on her. She and my father were sitting on this little hill right outside the restaurant, next to the sidewalk. She stopped watching the fireworks and was looking down. I walked over and said, "Mom, are you OK?" She is unresponsive. I ask again, and she goes into what I'm pretty sure was a seizure and a stroke also crossed my mind. I yell out for someone to call an ambulance and say. "lay her down." We lay her back and she is out. She stops shaking and is completely motionless. Her skin is cold, like I never felt someone's skin before, and we can't see her breathing. Her face is waxy and we think she is gone. I'm thinking about James Gandolfini, who grew up just a few miles from my house. Tim and I had to drop his truck off for service and drove right past the funeral parlor during Mr. Gandolfini's wake, with all the dang news crews and their cameras all over. I'm thinking, this is it, big meal, heart attack, she's gone, right in front of 3 of her grandkids. I see no signs of life and say, "she needs CPR", and my dad says, "she's having a heart attack." He gives her 1 or 2 chest compressions and she starts vomiting, while unconscious and laying on her back. We roll her onto her side. It was the most horrific thing I've ever been through, with the exception of Tim's diagnosis. I look up and Olivia and my niece and nephew are crying. Cathy is starting to break down, and the stricken look on Tim's face says it all. We all think she is dying right there. A woman yells, "she's catching her breath" and my mom is choking and waking up. I'm asking if anyone is a doctor or medically trained. 2 men wind up checking my mom out, one is checking her carotid pulse, another is asking for a watch with a second hand and a flashlight to take her wrist pulse. I don't think they were doctors, but I wasn't checking credentials at this point. The one on her wrist assures us and my mom that her heart rate is good. They can't get an ambulance through the streets so they load her onto the back of a Polaris in a basket. Turns out, the rig made it through and they transfer her. I tell them my dad must be with her, as her memory is failing and she cannot answer for herself or make decisions so they bring him. My poor mom is a mess and out of it. My sis had my brother-in-law strip off his shirt and give it to my dad as he was a mess too and had to take his off. My little 6 year old nephew thought, OK we're taking off our shirts so he whipped his off too.
(the kid is all for clothing optional time) We now had to fight thru the traffic to get back to the hotel, drop the kids and husbands off, and Cathy jumps in my dad's car(he wanted his car at the hospital) and I jump in our truck and we're off to find the dang hospital. Ambulance then goes past our motel as we are packing clothes for my parents, finding my mom's medications list, and getting ready to leave. Turns out they'd stopped when EMT's arrived to get her on a heart monitor and start an IV. It was 45 minutes from the time this happened until they finally reached the hospital, which was about 15 miles or so from where we were when it happened. I'm driving up the GSP thinking that she might not make it to the hospital. I thought for sure she'd just had a heart attack or stroke. We all did. I know that seizures are common right before someone dies too, so I'm thinking this is really bad. We get to the hospital and things don't look too urgent. We're giving nurses the medications list,
and other information. I look at her monitor and think, "DANG, I bet I wouldn't even look that good on a monitor right now." Heart rate was fine, BP pretty darn good, oxygen sats good. A while later, the most gorgeous doctor I have ever met in my life comes in and says, "we call this Lobster House syndrome." That happens to be another restaurant my parents like to go to and just had several nights ago. He said, folks eat a big meal, after being in the sun all day, maybe have a cocktail(my mom hadn't) and all the blood is deferred to their GI tract and they faint. He says, "they throw up and it brings them back." OH IS THAT ALL?! Guy is cool as a cucumber. And we all thought she was dying. Gotta say, it looked that way to everyone present. I think this was a step up from a faint for sure though, but I suppose you can have a seizure when there is that little oxygen in your brain. After he walked away, I look at Cathy, she looked at me, it has to be said. I was like, "Mom, did you do this just so you could meet that doctor?" She laughed.
Cathy was like, "I think I feel something coming on, I may need medical help." OK so we were trying to lighten the mood. We desperately needed to and the guy was movie star, leading man, weak in the knees (us not him) gorgeous. Anyway, this was so horrific for all of us. Mercifully, my mother remembers none of it. The rest of us will never forget it. She spent the night, and had a multitude of tests, what I call, "cover our ass medicine" but, in truth, she is almost 72 and this is what they do with anyone who loses consciousness like that. The woman passed the tests pretty well, looks amazingly good on paper despite taking terrible care of herself. She will need to start meds for Type 2 diabetes though and a neurologist told her to stop taking the 23 milligram Aricept pills and go back to 10. Are you ready for why? Turns out the company that makes Aricept came out with a 23 milligram pill because the patent on the 10 milligram was running out. This doc says they tried to say the 23 mg. works better, but, meanwhile, it is giving patients a lot of GI troubles, (my mom has to take immodium all the time now) and it's probably not really working much better for their memory, just giving them gut issues. There's your big pharma money making cr*p for ya right there. 23 mgs. so people don't buy the generic 10 mg and take 2. REALLY?!!! My mother has refused to see a neurologist for her memory issues and this is the problem when you have a primary care doc. prescribing meds that should be prescribed by a specialist who has more experience with them. My dad pulled an all nighter at the hospital. Cathy and I got home about 12:30 am. Cathy drove up in the morning and relieved him, I made him something to eat and forced him to take a nap. Tim drove me up to the hospital and I relieved Cathy and then they decided to spring her outta there, so Cat drove back after she fed her kids and we got her home(well, back to the motel) while we let my dad sleep. There will be a lot to do to turn her health around. Oral diabetes meds and major dietary changes if she wants to avoid this type of thing in the future. Her carotids have moderate plaque build-up and it means her heart vessels probably do too. We need to walk a thin line between scaring the heck out of her and making her take this seriously and knocking off the garbage diet and no exercise routine. My poor dad is just traumatized. It will be hard to put this scene in the rearview mirror, that's for sure. We are so lucky it was not worse and that we didn't lose her, but, it was indeed an incident we all wish we could delete from our "hard drives." So sad, so scary.
Wish the kids weren't there. Olivia said she really didn't see anything because of the crowd. I'm grateful for that.
So, there you have it: our vacation. I'm at a loss of words on how to wrap this up. It just was what it was. Onward.
My mom's memory is getting worse quickly and she does not want to go to the beach anymore, preferring so stay by the pool at the motel. She burst into tears one day while we were talking, apparently forgetting that Tim is not cured of his MM. Also, Tim was having neuropathy in his calves and feet and informed me that it had been going on for some time. A depressing vacation, to say the least.
This year, my younger sister came with her husband and 2 kids, 10 and 6. We are trying to get these family trips in while my mom still can and Cathy has wanted to come down with us for a number of years. I was looking forward to redeeming last year's trip. Well, it was not to be. Me and Cathy are very close and crack each other up all the time. The weather was rainy though, Tim and Dad's golf game didn't happen, but we had gotten some beach time in by Wednesday afternoon, after being rained off the beach earlier that day. Wednesday night, we went to a restaurant on the bay called
Harpoon Henry's. We do this every year. They have a little street fair along the bay and fireworks
after sundown. We had to wait for a table so we sat outside by one of the bars and margaritas were abound. Not for me. I am the best designated driver, I don't drink at all and my sister was driving the other car and only had one. Tim and my brother-in-law Chris had several by the time we were done with dinner. After dinner, my mom spent a little while in the ladies' room and we were concerned her meal did not agree with her. My mom likes to eat, a little too much, actually she likes it a lot too much. I didn't eat at all at the restaurants. My stomach has been awful lately so I ate pasta before we went out and just enjoyed the company while everyone else ate.
After the meal, we walked out the side of the restaurant to see the fireworks. It was crowded. This is the only joint on that bay side and the streets were mobbed too. My sister noticed that it appeared my mom was not feeling well. We kept our eyes on her. She and my father were sitting on this little hill right outside the restaurant, next to the sidewalk. She stopped watching the fireworks and was looking down. I walked over and said, "Mom, are you OK?" She is unresponsive. I ask again, and she goes into what I'm pretty sure was a seizure and a stroke also crossed my mind. I yell out for someone to call an ambulance and say. "lay her down." We lay her back and she is out. She stops shaking and is completely motionless. Her skin is cold, like I never felt someone's skin before, and we can't see her breathing. Her face is waxy and we think she is gone. I'm thinking about James Gandolfini, who grew up just a few miles from my house. Tim and I had to drop his truck off for service and drove right past the funeral parlor during Mr. Gandolfini's wake, with all the dang news crews and their cameras all over. I'm thinking, this is it, big meal, heart attack, she's gone, right in front of 3 of her grandkids. I see no signs of life and say, "she needs CPR", and my dad says, "she's having a heart attack." He gives her 1 or 2 chest compressions and she starts vomiting, while unconscious and laying on her back. We roll her onto her side. It was the most horrific thing I've ever been through, with the exception of Tim's diagnosis. I look up and Olivia and my niece and nephew are crying. Cathy is starting to break down, and the stricken look on Tim's face says it all. We all think she is dying right there. A woman yells, "she's catching her breath" and my mom is choking and waking up. I'm asking if anyone is a doctor or medically trained. 2 men wind up checking my mom out, one is checking her carotid pulse, another is asking for a watch with a second hand and a flashlight to take her wrist pulse. I don't think they were doctors, but I wasn't checking credentials at this point. The one on her wrist assures us and my mom that her heart rate is good. They can't get an ambulance through the streets so they load her onto the back of a Polaris in a basket. Turns out, the rig made it through and they transfer her. I tell them my dad must be with her, as her memory is failing and she cannot answer for herself or make decisions so they bring him. My poor mom is a mess and out of it. My sis had my brother-in-law strip off his shirt and give it to my dad as he was a mess too and had to take his off. My little 6 year old nephew thought, OK we're taking off our shirts so he whipped his off too.
(the kid is all for clothing optional time) We now had to fight thru the traffic to get back to the hotel, drop the kids and husbands off, and Cathy jumps in my dad's car(he wanted his car at the hospital) and I jump in our truck and we're off to find the dang hospital. Ambulance then goes past our motel as we are packing clothes for my parents, finding my mom's medications list, and getting ready to leave. Turns out they'd stopped when EMT's arrived to get her on a heart monitor and start an IV. It was 45 minutes from the time this happened until they finally reached the hospital, which was about 15 miles or so from where we were when it happened. I'm driving up the GSP thinking that she might not make it to the hospital. I thought for sure she'd just had a heart attack or stroke. We all did. I know that seizures are common right before someone dies too, so I'm thinking this is really bad. We get to the hospital and things don't look too urgent. We're giving nurses the medications list,
and other information. I look at her monitor and think, "DANG, I bet I wouldn't even look that good on a monitor right now." Heart rate was fine, BP pretty darn good, oxygen sats good. A while later, the most gorgeous doctor I have ever met in my life comes in and says, "we call this Lobster House syndrome." That happens to be another restaurant my parents like to go to and just had several nights ago. He said, folks eat a big meal, after being in the sun all day, maybe have a cocktail(my mom hadn't) and all the blood is deferred to their GI tract and they faint. He says, "they throw up and it brings them back." OH IS THAT ALL?! Guy is cool as a cucumber. And we all thought she was dying. Gotta say, it looked that way to everyone present. I think this was a step up from a faint for sure though, but I suppose you can have a seizure when there is that little oxygen in your brain. After he walked away, I look at Cathy, she looked at me, it has to be said. I was like, "Mom, did you do this just so you could meet that doctor?" She laughed.
Cathy was like, "I think I feel something coming on, I may need medical help." OK so we were trying to lighten the mood. We desperately needed to and the guy was movie star, leading man, weak in the knees (us not him) gorgeous. Anyway, this was so horrific for all of us. Mercifully, my mother remembers none of it. The rest of us will never forget it. She spent the night, and had a multitude of tests, what I call, "cover our ass medicine" but, in truth, she is almost 72 and this is what they do with anyone who loses consciousness like that. The woman passed the tests pretty well, looks amazingly good on paper despite taking terrible care of herself. She will need to start meds for Type 2 diabetes though and a neurologist told her to stop taking the 23 milligram Aricept pills and go back to 10. Are you ready for why? Turns out the company that makes Aricept came out with a 23 milligram pill because the patent on the 10 milligram was running out. This doc says they tried to say the 23 mg. works better, but, meanwhile, it is giving patients a lot of GI troubles, (my mom has to take immodium all the time now) and it's probably not really working much better for their memory, just giving them gut issues. There's your big pharma money making cr*p for ya right there. 23 mgs. so people don't buy the generic 10 mg and take 2. REALLY?!!! My mother has refused to see a neurologist for her memory issues and this is the problem when you have a primary care doc. prescribing meds that should be prescribed by a specialist who has more experience with them. My dad pulled an all nighter at the hospital. Cathy and I got home about 12:30 am. Cathy drove up in the morning and relieved him, I made him something to eat and forced him to take a nap. Tim drove me up to the hospital and I relieved Cathy and then they decided to spring her outta there, so Cat drove back after she fed her kids and we got her home(well, back to the motel) while we let my dad sleep. There will be a lot to do to turn her health around. Oral diabetes meds and major dietary changes if she wants to avoid this type of thing in the future. Her carotids have moderate plaque build-up and it means her heart vessels probably do too. We need to walk a thin line between scaring the heck out of her and making her take this seriously and knocking off the garbage diet and no exercise routine. My poor dad is just traumatized. It will be hard to put this scene in the rearview mirror, that's for sure. We are so lucky it was not worse and that we didn't lose her, but, it was indeed an incident we all wish we could delete from our "hard drives." So sad, so scary.
Wish the kids weren't there. Olivia said she really didn't see anything because of the crowd. I'm grateful for that.
So, there you have it: our vacation. I'm at a loss of words on how to wrap this up. It just was what it was. Onward.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Back in the New York-ish groove
Just got in from Florida last night. Boy, do I hate air travel. Firstly, not fond of flying to begin
with, but, what a hassle it all is. After missing a turn, getting lost, and then stuck in traffic, worried we might miss our plane, our flight last Thursday was delayed about an hour going down, and yesterday's was delayed 2 hours. We got to the airport early yesterday, not knowing how long the drive from Tim's uncle's place in Key Largo would take exactly, and didn't take off until 5 hours later. GRRRR.
BUT, am glad to have had safe flights and 10- 11 hours of hassle for 2 days sure beats 6 LONG days in the car, and checking in and out of 4 hotels, which is what we would've faced going down and back. Oh and a word of caution, if you don't care to be felt up by someone after your metal scan, don't wear a blouse with "jewels" or sparkly things on it. Lesson learned. Woman told me she would have to pat me down in that area (see if I was smuggling a weapon in my bra, AS IF
a weapon would fit in this little thang!) I said, "have a party." I really didn't care but then she moved
toward my 15 y-o daughter when she came out of the scanner and this momma bear closed in. She glanced at the jewelry on her wrists and waived her by. Touching my kid like that woulda been a WHOLE other story and not something I woulda gone for without REAL good reason.
Anyhoo, we had a great trip. Our employee, who is like family to us, got married on the beach in
Fort Lauderdale, which was the reason for our trip. Very sweet but wow, all that work and planning
and it was over in 10 minutes. We partied on the terraces of the Harbor Beach Marriot. Nice place.
We stayed in Fort L. until Sunday and then went down to see Tim's Uncle Dave in Key Largo. Tim
and Liv swam with dolphins.They wanted to do this last time we were there in 2008, but the place was booked, so I made reservations in advance this time. Not much to do but relax and visit in Key Largo. Unless you're a boater, fisher, or diver, there's not a lot of other options there, but we were
there to see his uncle anyway. It was a teary good-bye yesterday. Love that man. He's "good people."
Tim and I have busy times ahead for us, and had a real busy spring leading up to it, so this was a great break from that. They have this thing called "Keys time" which is the slower pace things move
at in the Florida Keys and wow, do I get that, almost feel like my watch can't possibly work in
both places.
Our first, "can't get away from cancer moment" went like this, on the plane going down last Thursday.
There are 3 young kids sitting in front of us. A boy, the oldest, maybe 10 or 11, and his 2 younger sisters. Their mom is sitting across the aisle. They are watching the same thing on the TV. Youngest girl, maybe 4 or 5 says to her brother: "What's wrong with her?"
Bro: "she's sick."
Sis: "with what?"
Bro: "a disease."
Sis: "What kind of disease?"
Bro: "Cancer."
Sis: "What's cancer?"
Bro: "SHHH." He's trying to listen to the program and she won't stop talking.
Sis: "What is cancer?"
Bro: annoyed now. "It's nothing!!! I'll tell ya later."
Me, behind them, thinking, "well, kid, you got that part wrong, it certainly ain't nothing. Not from where I'm sitting. Man, we just can't get away from it, can we?" Unfortunately, it was just the first of many "cancer reminders." What can ya do? It's everywhere. Tim's uncle's wife, Carol, was not there this time, as she succumbed to ovarian cancer 2 summers ago. She and Tim were both on chemo when we visited back in '08.
But, we had a good trip, nonetheless. Tim loves any place there's a beach and Liv loves Florida and is threatening to move there now, or at least go to college there. I used to work for a woman whose daughter, also an only child, went to college there and liked Florida so much, she got a job after school and never came back home. UGH. I always wondered if my ex-boss and her husband ever moved there. When you have an only child, if you wanna be a part of their life, moving to the same area is always an option, I know some who've done that. I couldn't deal with the heat and the bugs. I don't really think Liv could either, but, if that's what she wants..................well TOUGH, she ain't getting it!!! Just kidding.
Oh well, back to the huge list of "apres holiday" chores. I'll see if I can figure out how to post some pics on here.
with, but, what a hassle it all is. After missing a turn, getting lost, and then stuck in traffic, worried we might miss our plane, our flight last Thursday was delayed about an hour going down, and yesterday's was delayed 2 hours. We got to the airport early yesterday, not knowing how long the drive from Tim's uncle's place in Key Largo would take exactly, and didn't take off until 5 hours later. GRRRR.
BUT, am glad to have had safe flights and 10- 11 hours of hassle for 2 days sure beats 6 LONG days in the car, and checking in and out of 4 hotels, which is what we would've faced going down and back. Oh and a word of caution, if you don't care to be felt up by someone after your metal scan, don't wear a blouse with "jewels" or sparkly things on it. Lesson learned. Woman told me she would have to pat me down in that area (see if I was smuggling a weapon in my bra, AS IF
a weapon would fit in this little thang!) I said, "have a party." I really didn't care but then she moved
toward my 15 y-o daughter when she came out of the scanner and this momma bear closed in. She glanced at the jewelry on her wrists and waived her by. Touching my kid like that woulda been a WHOLE other story and not something I woulda gone for without REAL good reason.
Anyhoo, we had a great trip. Our employee, who is like family to us, got married on the beach in
Fort Lauderdale, which was the reason for our trip. Very sweet but wow, all that work and planning
and it was over in 10 minutes. We partied on the terraces of the Harbor Beach Marriot. Nice place.
We stayed in Fort L. until Sunday and then went down to see Tim's Uncle Dave in Key Largo. Tim
and Liv swam with dolphins.They wanted to do this last time we were there in 2008, but the place was booked, so I made reservations in advance this time. Not much to do but relax and visit in Key Largo. Unless you're a boater, fisher, or diver, there's not a lot of other options there, but we were
there to see his uncle anyway. It was a teary good-bye yesterday. Love that man. He's "good people."
Tim and I have busy times ahead for us, and had a real busy spring leading up to it, so this was a great break from that. They have this thing called "Keys time" which is the slower pace things move
at in the Florida Keys and wow, do I get that, almost feel like my watch can't possibly work in
both places.
Our first, "can't get away from cancer moment" went like this, on the plane going down last Thursday.
There are 3 young kids sitting in front of us. A boy, the oldest, maybe 10 or 11, and his 2 younger sisters. Their mom is sitting across the aisle. They are watching the same thing on the TV. Youngest girl, maybe 4 or 5 says to her brother: "What's wrong with her?"
Bro: "she's sick."
Sis: "with what?"
Bro: "a disease."
Sis: "What kind of disease?"
Bro: "Cancer."
Sis: "What's cancer?"
Bro: "SHHH." He's trying to listen to the program and she won't stop talking.
Sis: "What is cancer?"
Bro: annoyed now. "It's nothing!!! I'll tell ya later."
Me, behind them, thinking, "well, kid, you got that part wrong, it certainly ain't nothing. Not from where I'm sitting. Man, we just can't get away from it, can we?" Unfortunately, it was just the first of many "cancer reminders." What can ya do? It's everywhere. Tim's uncle's wife, Carol, was not there this time, as she succumbed to ovarian cancer 2 summers ago. She and Tim were both on chemo when we visited back in '08.
But, we had a good trip, nonetheless. Tim loves any place there's a beach and Liv loves Florida and is threatening to move there now, or at least go to college there. I used to work for a woman whose daughter, also an only child, went to college there and liked Florida so much, she got a job after school and never came back home. UGH. I always wondered if my ex-boss and her husband ever moved there. When you have an only child, if you wanna be a part of their life, moving to the same area is always an option, I know some who've done that. I couldn't deal with the heat and the bugs. I don't really think Liv could either, but, if that's what she wants..................well TOUGH, she ain't getting it!!! Just kidding.
Oh well, back to the huge list of "apres holiday" chores. I'll see if I can figure out how to post some pics on here.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Latest appt.
Yesterday was Tim's 3 month check-up. This one was to set the tone for our summer, as well as our employee's wedding, which we are flying to Fort Lauderdale for in a month. Well, it was not what I wanted, but kinda what I expected. His Kappa number had been slowly creeping up, though still in the normal range. In Jan, it was 18+ with a the range ending at 19.4. This time it was out of range at 26+. His m-spike went from .15 to .20. IGG still in normal range but up a bit too. I, of course, am thinking relapse. His doctor says that the shingles infection raised all his immunoglobulins and so the bad will bump up with the good. He is not concerned. The Kappa/Lambda ratio actually is still in range but, I dunno, to me, it can't be good when your Kappas go out of range. As I've said before, I've been told that that is the first sign of relapse. The doctor describes his numbers as moving "glacially slow." He still said 3 months is fine for next appt. and said don't worry. Not really an option for me, but, nothing to be done about it anyway. What I do have to do though is kick myself in the arse and get moving and caught up around my house. Still haven't done a lot of things I said I was gonna do these last few years. Feel stuck in a rut. I have to get more organized because searching for important papers and such will not be easy when/if Tim goes back on treatment and I am in full caregiver mode again.
On other news, Liv is in the middle of her softball season. It has been an eye opening experience. My brother-in-law warned me that high school sports would not be as fun as recreation league sports. Boy, was he right. I thought the guy who ran the softball program seemed so nice. He's not. He tries to be charming, but, on the field, he's a different guy. We've lost girls from the program who quit because of him and some of the girls playing for the varsity team he heads up, can't stand him. His wife coaches JV and we have a freshman coach, a nice man I know well from church. They all have to follow the orders from this top guy though and the things he does are just wrong. We are not happy that our daughter is being "over-pitched" and being left as the only pitcher for both the freshman and JV team, while he takes 3 pitchers with him to every varsity game. OH, and he already took our good freshman catcher to varsity, leaving us with a bad one, that he will now take to all JV games played on the same day as freshman games so Liv will pitch for frosh(is the only freshman who can pitch) and will have a girl catching who has never done it before. Not only is this not fair, as he takes 3 catchers with him to his varsity games too, but this idiot is going to get someone hurt. You do not start a girl catching, at the high school level, who has never caught before, if you can help it. Liv does not throw super fast, but she does take lessons and throws 40+ mph and you also have a bat swinging in your face as you are catching that ball. We do not have enough girls, or pitching, for 3 teams. He shoulda combined the freshman and JV team. Anyway, with cancellations, we avoided Liv playing too many games this past week, but, if he tries to make her pitch 3 or 4 games in a 5 or 6 day stretch, I'm gonna have to put my foot down. It's too much on her arm, and too much pressure for a 14 y-o. Aside from one game, when she was exhausted, she has pitched great. She has a lot of strikeouts, as well as caught pop-ups and throw outs at bases. In 2 games, where she pitched 6 innings, she made 12 of the 18 outs. The other day, we played 3 innings in the rain. She struck out 6, and threw out 2, making 8 of the 9 outs herself. But, the poor kid wants to play other positions, is sick of just pitching. Only other girl who can pitch, albeit badly, was benched for going on a school trip, and now is out for medical reasons. I never relax when my kid is pitching. Would rather her play other positions too. Gotta just take things one day at a time.
Playing another JV game today with our freshman team, which just stinks, especially since we have 3 girls who never played ball before. OY! I hate this, but I'll be glad when we're thru this season, and I don't know if she'll want to continue these next few years after seeing how mean the head guy is. I don't want her pitching for him at the varsity level. He is awful to his girls. Can't stand coaches who can't leave their egos off the field and put the kids first. REALLY can't stand it.
Anyway, that's about it. Making vacation plans. May, wedding and vacation in Florida. July will see us at our yearly trek to Cape May, with my sister Cathy and her family coming too this year, which will be a treat. Then, it looks like we will not be going to VT or NH this August, but back to Chincoteague instead. Tim just loves that place now. I'm surprised. There is NO night life and it's just a small little community with not much going on, but, give that boy a beach and he's happy.
Life's a beach! ;o)
Happy Spring!
On other news, Liv is in the middle of her softball season. It has been an eye opening experience. My brother-in-law warned me that high school sports would not be as fun as recreation league sports. Boy, was he right. I thought the guy who ran the softball program seemed so nice. He's not. He tries to be charming, but, on the field, he's a different guy. We've lost girls from the program who quit because of him and some of the girls playing for the varsity team he heads up, can't stand him. His wife coaches JV and we have a freshman coach, a nice man I know well from church. They all have to follow the orders from this top guy though and the things he does are just wrong. We are not happy that our daughter is being "over-pitched" and being left as the only pitcher for both the freshman and JV team, while he takes 3 pitchers with him to every varsity game. OH, and he already took our good freshman catcher to varsity, leaving us with a bad one, that he will now take to all JV games played on the same day as freshman games so Liv will pitch for frosh(is the only freshman who can pitch) and will have a girl catching who has never done it before. Not only is this not fair, as he takes 3 catchers with him to his varsity games too, but this idiot is going to get someone hurt. You do not start a girl catching, at the high school level, who has never caught before, if you can help it. Liv does not throw super fast, but she does take lessons and throws 40+ mph and you also have a bat swinging in your face as you are catching that ball. We do not have enough girls, or pitching, for 3 teams. He shoulda combined the freshman and JV team. Anyway, with cancellations, we avoided Liv playing too many games this past week, but, if he tries to make her pitch 3 or 4 games in a 5 or 6 day stretch, I'm gonna have to put my foot down. It's too much on her arm, and too much pressure for a 14 y-o. Aside from one game, when she was exhausted, she has pitched great. She has a lot of strikeouts, as well as caught pop-ups and throw outs at bases. In 2 games, where she pitched 6 innings, she made 12 of the 18 outs. The other day, we played 3 innings in the rain. She struck out 6, and threw out 2, making 8 of the 9 outs herself. But, the poor kid wants to play other positions, is sick of just pitching. Only other girl who can pitch, albeit badly, was benched for going on a school trip, and now is out for medical reasons. I never relax when my kid is pitching. Would rather her play other positions too. Gotta just take things one day at a time.
Playing another JV game today with our freshman team, which just stinks, especially since we have 3 girls who never played ball before. OY! I hate this, but I'll be glad when we're thru this season, and I don't know if she'll want to continue these next few years after seeing how mean the head guy is. I don't want her pitching for him at the varsity level. He is awful to his girls. Can't stand coaches who can't leave their egos off the field and put the kids first. REALLY can't stand it.
Anyway, that's about it. Making vacation plans. May, wedding and vacation in Florida. July will see us at our yearly trek to Cape May, with my sister Cathy and her family coming too this year, which will be a treat. Then, it looks like we will not be going to VT or NH this August, but back to Chincoteague instead. Tim just loves that place now. I'm surprised. There is NO night life and it's just a small little community with not much going on, but, give that boy a beach and he's happy.
Life's a beach! ;o)
Happy Spring!
Monday, April 8, 2013
The next time I see that Easter Bunny...............
I'm gonna get him in my cross-hares and shoot the sumbitch. Well, again, Easter bad luck rears its ugly head. As a kid, I hated this holiday because we always got the stomach flu around that time.
In 2008, Tim got a horrible stomach bug for Easter. This year, he went to the hospital Easter Sunday with a bad case of disseminated shingles, which is fancy talk for shingles that went systemic, so it's like having the shingles and the chicken pox version of the virus at the same time. As Tim would say, "go big or go home." I saw
a bright red patch on the back of his leg Sat. We had our niece's(and Goddaughter's) communion service that night. When Tim got dressed for bed, he had blemishes on his body and I gave him an acyclovir pill from the old stash just in case. By morning, I knew. Off to the ER cause doc's aren't open on Easter Sunday. They transferred him via ambulance to the main campus where his onc's are
and he was put on an acyclovir drip. They had no private rooms open in the entire hospital(he was in an isolation room of the ER 'cause it's contagious) and he was stuck in an expanded area of the ER since 3:30 Monday morning. NO private bathroom. He's sick and immunocompromised and he's using the same bathroom everyone in the ER is using. Walked thru a puddle of urine in his socks Monday night.
There is no cell phone service in this ER. Half underground and they have one phone they let patients use for a short time. He got really sick Monday night. Bad headache and nausea. Tried to get them to let him use the phone for 3 hours to get me. They were not bringing him meds, delivered a cream that was ordered for him at noon at MIDNIGHT. Waiting hours for tylenol. I had only 4 hours sleep the night before and he called me at 12:15 Monday night ready to get up and walk out of the hospital. I jumped in the car and raced down there. Banged some heads, as diplomatically as possible. Called the on-call doc at the cancer center and said, "I want him in the ICU or something. He's at risk for encephelitis, has a headache and nausea, and they're not taking care of him in the ER and he's walking thru other people's urine to use a dirty, germ-filled bathroom. NOT ACCEPTABLE.
The doc tried but there was just no rooms in that hospital to be had. They are expanding, but not fast enough. I got him in an isolation room in the ER before I went back home at 3 am so he at least had his own bathroom. I think that was only because a patient died. UGH. They cleaned the room and then I went in there afterward with my antibacterial wipes and did it again. On Tuesday evening, they finally got him a room. It was the top floor, corner suite overlooking the NYC skyline and the runway for a small, local airport. It was a great room, best in the hospital, no doubt, crazy view, and the nurses were falling all over themselves to be nice to him. Monday night, he's ready to walk outta there, now, he didn't want to come home. Full menu to order whatever he wanted to eat. I mean, Jeez, he doesn't get this at home! On Wed. I went there to get him showered up. I thought, make him look good for when the infectious disease doc gets here and maybe he'll get sprung. Well, it worked, though I'm sure it was just that his lesions had all scabbed up. They released him and we had our daughter's first JV softball game to get to so they did the fastest discharge job ever. He spent 4 more days on high dose Valtrex and will now take 1-400mg. acyclovir pill for a very long time. It was a scary thing. I did a search on disseminated shingles and it can attack your organs, liver, lungs, brain. GREAT. It was an exhausting week, running back and forth to the hospital, getting Liv where she needed to be with school and softball, keeping the home fires burning and fielding business calls, etc.
Glad it's over. Tim feels OK but is very tired. He is VERY busy at work and this just jammed him up even more. He went to work on Friday, after resting up on Thurs. and doing phone calls, but it's exhausting for him. Like Lorna says, why can't we hit the lottery, so that we at least don't have to worry about money on top of worrying about MM. It's only fair, doncha think? So, that's the latest chapter in our MM journey. Not a pleasant one, but, I'm always saying, "it could be worse." I try to be grateful for the things that do go right. The medication worked, he recovered quickly, he seems to have no sign of post-herpatic neuralgia. Now, if our daughter doesn't come down with chicken pox in these next 3 weeks, I will be very grateful! And, if spring would just get here, maybe my mood will be better, cause us Jersey folk REALLY need to feel some sunshine and warmth around here.
In 2008, Tim got a horrible stomach bug for Easter. This year, he went to the hospital Easter Sunday with a bad case of disseminated shingles, which is fancy talk for shingles that went systemic, so it's like having the shingles and the chicken pox version of the virus at the same time. As Tim would say, "go big or go home." I saw
a bright red patch on the back of his leg Sat. We had our niece's(and Goddaughter's) communion service that night. When Tim got dressed for bed, he had blemishes on his body and I gave him an acyclovir pill from the old stash just in case. By morning, I knew. Off to the ER cause doc's aren't open on Easter Sunday. They transferred him via ambulance to the main campus where his onc's are
and he was put on an acyclovir drip. They had no private rooms open in the entire hospital(he was in an isolation room of the ER 'cause it's contagious) and he was stuck in an expanded area of the ER since 3:30 Monday morning. NO private bathroom. He's sick and immunocompromised and he's using the same bathroom everyone in the ER is using. Walked thru a puddle of urine in his socks Monday night.
There is no cell phone service in this ER. Half underground and they have one phone they let patients use for a short time. He got really sick Monday night. Bad headache and nausea. Tried to get them to let him use the phone for 3 hours to get me. They were not bringing him meds, delivered a cream that was ordered for him at noon at MIDNIGHT. Waiting hours for tylenol. I had only 4 hours sleep the night before and he called me at 12:15 Monday night ready to get up and walk out of the hospital. I jumped in the car and raced down there. Banged some heads, as diplomatically as possible. Called the on-call doc at the cancer center and said, "I want him in the ICU or something. He's at risk for encephelitis, has a headache and nausea, and they're not taking care of him in the ER and he's walking thru other people's urine to use a dirty, germ-filled bathroom. NOT ACCEPTABLE.
The doc tried but there was just no rooms in that hospital to be had. They are expanding, but not fast enough. I got him in an isolation room in the ER before I went back home at 3 am so he at least had his own bathroom. I think that was only because a patient died. UGH. They cleaned the room and then I went in there afterward with my antibacterial wipes and did it again. On Tuesday evening, they finally got him a room. It was the top floor, corner suite overlooking the NYC skyline and the runway for a small, local airport. It was a great room, best in the hospital, no doubt, crazy view, and the nurses were falling all over themselves to be nice to him. Monday night, he's ready to walk outta there, now, he didn't want to come home. Full menu to order whatever he wanted to eat. I mean, Jeez, he doesn't get this at home! On Wed. I went there to get him showered up. I thought, make him look good for when the infectious disease doc gets here and maybe he'll get sprung. Well, it worked, though I'm sure it was just that his lesions had all scabbed up. They released him and we had our daughter's first JV softball game to get to so they did the fastest discharge job ever. He spent 4 more days on high dose Valtrex and will now take 1-400mg. acyclovir pill for a very long time. It was a scary thing. I did a search on disseminated shingles and it can attack your organs, liver, lungs, brain. GREAT. It was an exhausting week, running back and forth to the hospital, getting Liv where she needed to be with school and softball, keeping the home fires burning and fielding business calls, etc.
Glad it's over. Tim feels OK but is very tired. He is VERY busy at work and this just jammed him up even more. He went to work on Friday, after resting up on Thurs. and doing phone calls, but it's exhausting for him. Like Lorna says, why can't we hit the lottery, so that we at least don't have to worry about money on top of worrying about MM. It's only fair, doncha think? So, that's the latest chapter in our MM journey. Not a pleasant one, but, I'm always saying, "it could be worse." I try to be grateful for the things that do go right. The medication worked, he recovered quickly, he seems to have no sign of post-herpatic neuralgia. Now, if our daughter doesn't come down with chicken pox in these next 3 weeks, I will be very grateful! And, if spring would just get here, maybe my mood will be better, cause us Jersey folk REALLY need to feel some sunshine and warmth around here.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
You are who you hang around with
Yesterday, I went to our MM support group meeting. It's a small group. When we don't have speakers, it's very small (6-8 people). When we do have speakers, we can have 20 or more.
Yesterday's group was small. A policeman from a town near me did the race up the Empire State Building steps in NYC and raised money for the MMRF. He came and told us about his experience. Nice guy. Does not have a personal connection to MM, but his mom is fighting lung cancer, and his life was not going well(health was deteriorating and going through a divorce) and he decided to turn things around. Stopped smoking(he's an asthmatic, aren't we all in Jersey) and started working out and eating right. Dropped 40 pounds and got his bloodwork back to healthy levels. He is very excited to be taking on this cause of MM awareness and fundraising and is getting to know us, as well as our head nurse. Now, here's a guy who just wants to put good out into the world. Wants to make a difference. Then, a couple came to the meeting who normally doesn't come because the wife works part time. She wants to do an MM 5K in NJ. There is one in April in Philadelphia that I've never made it to, and one in CT. But Jersey is such a populated state, and we have so many MM'ers here.
She has MM and recently lost a friend, a man with MM who was an avid runner. She and his widow decided to take up this cause. Our group is in. We are going to try to get the first one up and running in time to
do it this fall. We will then make it an annual event. I got in my car to drive home yesterday and thought to myself how great I felt. What a pleasure it is to spend 90 minutes with such wonderful people. I mean, 3 of these women have cancer(the rest of us are spouses) and this guy just went through a disappointing divorce where his wife moved out of state with his little boy. And what are they doing with their lives? Giving back. Paying forward. Making a difference in the lives of OTHERS.
I silently chastised myself for spending far too much time with toxic people who began to rub off on me and made my life more difficult than it already was. I vowed that I won't make that mistake again. Once you get a bit older, realize life is short, and start meeting a better class of people, you realize that your life will reflect who it is you spend your time with. Choose wisely.
Yesterday's group was small. A policeman from a town near me did the race up the Empire State Building steps in NYC and raised money for the MMRF. He came and told us about his experience. Nice guy. Does not have a personal connection to MM, but his mom is fighting lung cancer, and his life was not going well(health was deteriorating and going through a divorce) and he decided to turn things around. Stopped smoking(he's an asthmatic, aren't we all in Jersey) and started working out and eating right. Dropped 40 pounds and got his bloodwork back to healthy levels. He is very excited to be taking on this cause of MM awareness and fundraising and is getting to know us, as well as our head nurse. Now, here's a guy who just wants to put good out into the world. Wants to make a difference. Then, a couple came to the meeting who normally doesn't come because the wife works part time. She wants to do an MM 5K in NJ. There is one in April in Philadelphia that I've never made it to, and one in CT. But Jersey is such a populated state, and we have so many MM'ers here.
She has MM and recently lost a friend, a man with MM who was an avid runner. She and his widow decided to take up this cause. Our group is in. We are going to try to get the first one up and running in time to
do it this fall. We will then make it an annual event. I got in my car to drive home yesterday and thought to myself how great I felt. What a pleasure it is to spend 90 minutes with such wonderful people. I mean, 3 of these women have cancer(the rest of us are spouses) and this guy just went through a disappointing divorce where his wife moved out of state with his little boy. And what are they doing with their lives? Giving back. Paying forward. Making a difference in the lives of OTHERS.
I silently chastised myself for spending far too much time with toxic people who began to rub off on me and made my life more difficult than it already was. I vowed that I won't make that mistake again. Once you get a bit older, realize life is short, and start meeting a better class of people, you realize that your life will reflect who it is you spend your time with. Choose wisely.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentines and angels among us
It's been a tough week or so. A rough patch with my Valentine, a bad economy that is not seeming
to ease. Lots of other things to worry this already worrisome mind too. But, things always look darkest before
the dawn. Went to church yesterday for Ash Wednesday. It was a good sermon and it spoke words
I needed to hear. I came out rejuvenated and feeling my burden lighten just a bit. Then, I went to tai chi this morning. A few ladies I know from church go. It's very relaxing. I am the youngest one there,
but that never bothered me any. I love being around people older than me and here's one reason why. A recently widowed woman from church introduced me to her friend, Madeline. During the break, halfway through the class, Madeline and I wound up in a conversation that went from one subject to another. Eventually, she told me her daughter died of pancreatic cancer after suffering miserably for 2 years. Even later in the conversation, she told me
that her son had died in an accident at 22 and her husband died of a stroke, after spending 2 months in a coma, before her daughter died. (OK I know this is getting depressing, but it gets better). I asked if she had any other children, she said no.(I don't know why my print changed and darned if I can figure how to change it back), Her daughter had been divorced when she got sick and lived with her with her 2 college aged children, so she saw her through this awful illness and then kept her grandkids with her after she passed. Awful. This woman's life was just one tragedy after another.
BUT, what a survivor. She told me she is 85. She looks incredible, takes care of herself, and is in great shape. She still cherishes her life, regardless of what happened. Heck, she still dyes her hair blonde, I'm guessing going for that "have more fun" thing. I told her about Tim, how he'd been diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago and that we have a 14 year-old. She said a lot of supportive things to me. She said that bad things happen but God gives us the strength to go on. She said you not only do it for you kids, you do it for yourself. She told me that when her son was killed she wanted to curl up and die, but she had a daughter to take care of and she eventually got on with living. She said she is still not planning to go anywhere for a long time, at least until her great-granddaughter is in school. Then she told me, as we were about to start the 2nd half of the class, "I don't want to be sick, I'd like to just go to sleep one night and not wake up," and with a wink as she got back into her spot to start the exercise, she said, "I think God owes me that."
AT the end of the class, our instructor wished us all a happy Valentine's day and reminded us to tell people we love them. Then she said, "tell everyone." So, some friends and some just aquaintences started telling each other that. I exchanged "I love yous" with 2 of my church buddies. Then Madeline sought me out, hugged me, told me she loved me and said something supportive to me that I can't even recall already, I was just so amazed by her. I replied in kind and told her I was so happy to have
met and talked to her today.
Ya know, some days, people seem to be put in your path for a reason. The human spirit can survive even the most horrible of tragedies. This woman told me that her faith sustained her. As I go through this hard time in my life, and deal with things that most 47 year-olds don't have to deal with, it inspires me to meet people like this. It gives me hope. It also humbles me, but most of all, it reminds me that you meet people all the time that teach you lessons. Some people hurt you and you learn from it, but, mercifully, God also sends you people who heal you. Madeline did that for me today.
to ease. Lots of other things to worry this already worrisome mind too. But, things always look darkest before
the dawn. Went to church yesterday for Ash Wednesday. It was a good sermon and it spoke words
I needed to hear. I came out rejuvenated and feeling my burden lighten just a bit. Then, I went to tai chi this morning. A few ladies I know from church go. It's very relaxing. I am the youngest one there,
but that never bothered me any. I love being around people older than me and here's one reason why. A recently widowed woman from church introduced me to her friend, Madeline. During the break, halfway through the class, Madeline and I wound up in a conversation that went from one subject to another. Eventually, she told me her daughter died of pancreatic cancer after suffering miserably for 2 years. Even later in the conversation, she told me
that her son had died in an accident at 22 and her husband died of a stroke, after spending 2 months in a coma, before her daughter died. (OK I know this is getting depressing, but it gets better). I asked if she had any other children, she said no.(I don't know why my print changed and darned if I can figure how to change it back), Her daughter had been divorced when she got sick and lived with her with her 2 college aged children, so she saw her through this awful illness and then kept her grandkids with her after she passed. Awful. This woman's life was just one tragedy after another.
BUT, what a survivor. She told me she is 85. She looks incredible, takes care of herself, and is in great shape. She still cherishes her life, regardless of what happened. Heck, she still dyes her hair blonde, I'm guessing going for that "have more fun" thing. I told her about Tim, how he'd been diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago and that we have a 14 year-old. She said a lot of supportive things to me. She said that bad things happen but God gives us the strength to go on. She said you not only do it for you kids, you do it for yourself. She told me that when her son was killed she wanted to curl up and die, but she had a daughter to take care of and she eventually got on with living. She said she is still not planning to go anywhere for a long time, at least until her great-granddaughter is in school. Then she told me, as we were about to start the 2nd half of the class, "I don't want to be sick, I'd like to just go to sleep one night and not wake up," and with a wink as she got back into her spot to start the exercise, she said, "I think God owes me that."
AT the end of the class, our instructor wished us all a happy Valentine's day and reminded us to tell people we love them. Then she said, "tell everyone." So, some friends and some just aquaintences started telling each other that. I exchanged "I love yous" with 2 of my church buddies. Then Madeline sought me out, hugged me, told me she loved me and said something supportive to me that I can't even recall already, I was just so amazed by her. I replied in kind and told her I was so happy to have
met and talked to her today.
Ya know, some days, people seem to be put in your path for a reason. The human spirit can survive even the most horrible of tragedies. This woman told me that her faith sustained her. As I go through this hard time in my life, and deal with things that most 47 year-olds don't have to deal with, it inspires me to meet people like this. It gives me hope. It also humbles me, but most of all, it reminds me that you meet people all the time that teach you lessons. Some people hurt you and you learn from it, but, mercifully, God also sends you people who heal you. Madeline did that for me today.
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