Sweet 16

Tomorrow is the big day. Olivia turns 16. It's surreal to me. How did it fly by this quickly? Tomorrow also marks 6 years since Tim had a chemo drug put into his body. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but it has. He had a check-up on this past Friday. His kappa number went up to 36, I think it was. Knocked the kappa/lambda ratio out of normal range too. This bums me out. We saw the head nurse this time, doctors were busy, and she is not worried about it. They see people whose light chain numbers jump by the hundreds so, to them, this is no big deal. To us, it is. His numbers are creeping slowly northward. They are still very low, but, a trend is a trend. Life has been full of medical issues lately. Olivia got what appears to be a staph infection on her leg, maybe even MRSA. The culture did not show anything, but they think/know it was a false negative. I have had some crazy symptoms going on which resulted in another bladder infection and a trip to the urologist, my first ever. I have to go to an ear, nose, and throat doc because I've had some kind of "click," for lack of a better word, in my throat when I swallow. Now, Olivia has to go to a dermatologist because some other kind of process started on the same leg. Tim and I both got pretty sick with colds and sinus infections. At one point, all 3 of us were on antibiotics for different reasons. I've been back and forth to CVS pharmacy so many times, I'm practically on a first name basis with everyone there. SHEESH!
Hopefully, things simmer down for a while. I'm just sick of it. I feel guilty complaining. It's all relative and it's so hard to know so many people who are really struggling and dealing with so much worse than we are. You're ticked and you want to complain, but, then the guilt settles in and you feel like a heel. Suffice to say, there is just a lot of hard stuff swirling all around me and some days, you just get so weary from it all. Can't remember what normal feels like anymore.

Back to the sweet 16. It will be a weekend of parties(Liv's birthday, mother's day) and I am still trying to arrange a camping trip or day trip to the beach for Liv and her buddies. I haven't a clue what to buy my kid, a sure sign that she has too much. (sigh) We have such a small family and she has a nice group of friends but not enough to warrant renting out some place and hiring a DJ. She has been to several sweet 16 parties now. They have fun when they do that dancing and DJ thing, but, in a few of the cases, kids invited all sorts of other kids that they didn't even hang out with just to get bodies there. I just don't understand inviting a whole bunch of kids that you're not friends with, especially to a gift giving event. I'm not OK with that. At the last party where a girl did that, some girl created a whole bunch of drama at the party and really ruined it for the guest of honor. I thought, "well, she is not even your friend and you knew she was trouble, why did you invite her?" Nah, not going down that road. We are taking a whole bunch of them out to dinner and a movie on Sat. night, and then we will try to do a camping overnight or beach day one of these weekends.

After a long, cold, snowy winter and a cool, wet spring, the beach sounds like a pipe dream. But, rumor has it we may hit 80 degrees here next week, and we're starting to see some 70's lately. WOOHOO! Olivia has one more week of softball. She has played great this season but we have a very weak team and a coach who is clueless. It's been great seeing Liv do so well, but she cannot win games by herself. We just try to enjoy it and support the girls as much as possible. The games are played right after school so most parents don't make it, but, our little group tries to cheer them on and I alway bring them snacks for after the games, which they appreciate. So, I guess that is the update. As always, the time feels like it's slipping through our hands like water. Too fast. Just too darn fast for this old girl. Here is a pic of our big girl, pitching on opening day! SO proud of her!!!

Happy mother's day!!!

Too late smart

In 2 weeks, it will be 7 years since Tim's multiple myeloma diagnosis. I just cannot believe that this much time has gone by. As I've said before, I feel like I've aged 20 years. It's been 7 years of fear, sadness, loss of friends, both internet friends and those we've met face-to-face, and a lot of other harsh realities along the way. We've had a lot to be grateful for too, Tim's long period of stability, most notably. But, all things are relative. We are still living a nightmare, just not as bad as it could be for now. Today we are possibly going to a wake. This is for the cousin of a family friend of Tim's family, and, the couple that was there when we had that huge blow-up with Tim's parents almost 2 and 1/2 years ago. We have not seen them since. They live in NC. We have learned a lot of hard lessons about people in these last years. Some will stick with you in a crisis. Others will back out on you. And, it may not be the ones you ever expected that do either of those things. Unfortunately, people still make the statement to Tim that, "life is too short" when they hear about our separation from his family. Then, if Tim explains why, they are floored to know the things that were done/said to us, and they realize just how toxic the situation had become. Yes, life is short, and it was not Tim's parents who were handed the cancer diagnosis, it was Tim. Trust me, WE KNOW that life is short. I  feel bad for Tim. To be so disappointed in your own family. Truly sad. We are on speaking terms with everyone but his brother and his wife, at this point though. We don't speak to them much, but we tolerate them when we have to. Tim's parents wanted to take us out to dinner for his 50th birthday and had gifts to give Tim. We weren't crazy about going, but we did. In the middle of the dinner, his father overhears me talking to his mother about a trip we're planning for Tim's 50th. We're not sure where we're going yet, but I mentioned my unease about going to some island in a 3rd world country. For one thing, our medical insurance doesn't cover us out of the country. For another, after more than a half dozen trips to the emergency room over the last 7 years, with illnesses that included sepsis, pneumonia, disseminated shingles, cellulitis, a sinus abcess, and so on, there is significant risk for us to be in a place with substandard health care. His father, who always considered me too much of a worrier for his taste, interrupts and says to me, "do you really want to go through life worrying about things like that?" As he sits 3 inches away from his son, whose life has been in jeopardy too many times in the last 7 years, yet he distanced himself so remains blissfully unaware of just how dangerous it was and hard it was on us three. I looked at him and had to darn near bite my tongue off. The look probably made his blood run cold. I had to take a breath and remind myself that my daughter was right there. I said, "well, I suppose that would be great if we did not have a medical condition to think about." It was said in as icy a tone as I've ever heard come out of my mouth and he knew he was a fool to say that to me. If anyone EVER needed a 10 second delay button. He then said, "you're right, that does have to be thought of first."NO sh*t, Sherlock. I don't need you to tell me
that." It must be nice to be able to check out of a situation that bothers you and let everyone else handle things while you pretend it just isn't happening and go on your merry way. I wouldn't know.
I've probably said this before on this blog too, I've learned that you shouldn't waste your life minutes with people who are not good to you. I wish I learned it a long time ago. There are a lot of things I wish I knew and learned a long time ago. I'm 48 and realize I wasted a lot of time in my life. Yes, life is short, we have to do what we can to grab joy while we can. Tim, Liv and I are going to try taking more day trips on the weekends. All our time is spent working and doing chores and that bucket list isn't getting shorter at all. All work and no play. Time to try to balance that out a bit more. We took a drive down to the Jersey shore recently. It was nice. Not much to do down there but sightsee but, we feel like we did something different than our norm. I'll have to figure out what our next adventure will be. It's high time to spend quality time together. No time like the present.

Half a century

Saturday night, we had a combined 50th birthday party for Tim and his best buddy, Mike. Mike actually turned 50 in late Dec. and Tim's birthday is Feb. 3rd. Mike's wife asked me if I wanted to have a party and invite their school buddies, that they are still friends with! so we did. It went really well. Unfortunately, everyone is so busy with their families and work, it seems the only time you get a batch of them together at one time is for funerals, as their parents are passing away. This was a nice time to kick back and really catch up. For our family, Tim's 50th is more than the typical milestone it is for other people. There was a time, his doctors and his health would not have made us think we'd see this. It's all at once fantastic, and scary as he**. For one thing, what a blessing, for another, it's hard not to think that 7 years have SPED by since his diagnosis in March of 2007 and you can't help but think, "how much time do we have left?" Everything is bittersweet after a tragedy strikes your family. I am sad that Tim's family is fragmented and they will not be celebrating with us. We are civil to his parents and his sister and her family. We do not speak to his brother and his wife, who really started all this trouble to begin with. We are OK with this arrangement. We realize our lives are better not having all these toxic people in it and they won't ever change, but, Tim deserved better from them, MUCH better. I have to take issue with these Karma-type quotes that you see, because the truth is, sometimes you can put a lot of good out in the world and really do the right thing by people, be there for them, etc, but it is NO guarantee that you will get a lot of that coming back atcha in your time of need. Tim and I are examples of that. We will celebrate with my family when his birthday rolls around and also plan to take a special vacation too.

So, what else? My older sister has accepted a job in Vermont and is moving within a month. She has had a vacation home there for about 7 years now. This is tough for me, in several ways, but, nothing stays the same, as Tim reminded me the other day. She is the only one in my family that lives close by too(just in the next town) so this important part of our support system is gone now. A little scary to think about, but, luckily, Olivia is older now and can stay home alone. It will be nerve-wracking though, not having that back-up anymore.

Our favorite tenant ever, Rose,  met a man and is moving in with him after 3 years in our rental. She is probably one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. We will miss her. The place is re-rented to a nice couple, and, believe it or not, the woman is an oncology nurse where Tim is treated. She works in the leukemia division but knows Tim's doctors and nurses.

Tim has a check-up on Friday, so I am praying that he remains stable. PRAYING!

Other than all that, it's typical January stuff going on. Year end paperwork for the business, getting my taxes done, and trying to inspire myself to finally tackle all these jobs I've been procrastinating about for years around here. I know I'll feel better and less melancholy when I start ticking some of these things off the "LIST" but it's so hard to get started. Such dreadful chores and so hard to find them that important when I'm dealing with such a big problem in my life with Tim's health. One can get yourself so behind, it's overwhelming to even get started.

As always, I lament not living the life we want to live. We spend too much time making a living and doing all those things we HAVE to do and almost none of the things we WANT to do. It's an old complaint. I know I've said it here several times before. This year, we plan to try to make day trips on the weekends more. We just have to make up our little bucket list and start making it happen. Time's
a'wastin'.

Hope ya'll get to do some fun things you WANT to do in 2014.

Wrapping up

So, what to say about 2013. Tim remained stable-ish. Had a bad case of disseminated shingles for Easter, but, other than that, his doctors find his labs/case boring, and we LOVE boring when it comes to cancer markers. I lost another MM friend in Oct. and my friend lost her mom in Nov. It still seems like I am constantly hearing of cancer diagnosis, including another within Tim's family. Prostate, this time. Getting old is not for sissies, as I have said before. Life seems to be pock-marked with illnesses and deaths. Gets harder and harder to find the joie de vivre between the tough times.

Another year is in the rearview mirror and I have not managed to kick myself in the butt and get my spare room and basement organized, something I am embarrassed to say has been a LONG time coming and still hasn't come. Seems just when I seem to find some time, something else comes up to take up that time. Our favorite tenant ever, Rose, is moving after 3 years so, right before Christmas, I was faced, and still am, with the task of re-renting an apartment. There are times I wish I could sell this rental. I LOVE the house and sometimes think it would be a good place to retire, but, it has brought with it some real stress these last 7 years. Our real estate market has not sprung back yet though, and selling it now would be at a loss, so that is not an option.

Life is pretty much cruising along as normal. Too FAST, of course. The years all seem to sail by but this past one seemed particularly fast. As is also the norm, I feel that we do nothing but move from chore to chore and are not making any headway on the old "bucket list." I'd like to do more fun things this year. Tim always seems to be working and I always seem to be trying to keep my head above water whilst drowning in an endless list of "to-do's".

Tim turns 50 on Feb 3rd. A HUGE milestone. Half a century. Wow. I am in the beginning stages of planning a combined party with his friend's wife for Tim and his best buddy. Hope that goes well. I think Tim, Liv and I will be taking a big trip to celebrate in the spring. Maybe an island or something. I'm trying to be excited for their sake but am not. Not crazy about flying and really not crazy about going someplace with sub-par healthcare when there is a health issue on board. I don't want to ruin this for him so I will suck it up, I suppose.

It looks like 2014 will see my older sister moving to Vermont. She is interviewing for a job there now and plans to put her house here on the market in the spring. This will be weird for us. We have all stayed within an hour of where we grew up and she will be the first to move away. She is the only one that lives close enough to me to be considered a "support system" too. She lives in the next town, whereas my other sisters and my parents are a 45 to 50 minute ride, so that will present an issue for us, but, it is what it is. Unfortunately, their VT house is not just a few hour drive so we don't expect to be able to see them much. It's not even something you would do for a weekend. At 350 miles, it takes us 7 and 1/2 to 8 hours to get there with pit stops.

Nothing stays the same. Sometimes that's good, sometimes not. Nothing to do but try to make 2014 a good year.

Happy New Year! May God's blessings rain down on you and yours in 2014!

Never a "textbook" case

This past Tuesday, Olivia had her wisdom teeth pulled, as well as a molar that had been trapped by one of them, cut free and wiggled up. This was the first time she was having anesthesia or anything done for that matter. I wanted to go in with her until they put her to sleep but thought they wouldn't let me. They did, without me even asking. It was sad to watch, and I could feel my heart racing away, but I stay outwardly calm during tough stuff like this. When she was in recovery, they let me go in and sit with her. After a while, we got her up to a sitting position and she started vomiting. It was not pleasant. I was there with her alone, had to pull the gauze out of her mouth, which was stuck to her braces, so she wouldn't choke, and she was half asleep. I called for the nurse. She continued to vomit and it was getting a little upsetting because she was so asleep that she was having trouble clearing her throat. Suddenly, I felt a faint coming on. Ran to the waiting room by Tim and took a drink of water. I sat down and a nurse came out. They put me on a rolling chair, got me to a room and I laid on one of the treatment chairs and out I went. When it was over, I had not even realized I'd actually fainted and then was told I got sick to my stomach while I was out.
Thoughts of my mom's episode in Cape May came to mind. I was ticked. I don't faint from medical stuff or blood. What the heck!!! Can't anything in our lives go simply? Now they were taking care of both of us and I couldn't even be there with my kid. Tim was walking back and forth between the 2 rooms and I told him to just stay with Liv. They had to "stick" her again and give her IV Zofran. She still threw up. Eventually, she was not waking up  well and still nauseous. The doctor said, "her stomach is empty, she is dehydrated, I'm going to give her a bag of fluid and she will come around." He told Tim that this happens once or twice a month. So, the poor kid is still throwing up and gets stuck a third time for an IV. They gave her another dose of Zofran and finally, she stopped getting sick and after about a half bag of fluids, she started to come around. Tough day for our family. I was warned that if she ever gets anesthesia again, the doctor has to be told about this reaction so they can pre-med her with anti-nausea meds. I was ticked that I passed out and that always brings up fear with me due to my medical history. I spose I was a little dehydrated myself and being on blood pressure meds now, I guess the upset from watching my kid be that sick just made my BP drop too low. We did not leave for home until 3 hours after her surgery had been finished. Crazy. I have to get over it. I'm disappointed but, what can ya do. I guess I am going to have to be more careful about eating and drinking enough, especially when something stressful is going on. I called an MM friend of mine the other day. He told me that he was an EMT and on the rescue squad for years. Taught CPR classes, delivered babies on calls, saw horrendous accidents where people died and even saw decapitations. He was able to deal with all this without any problems. But, some years before, his 8 year old son had his thumb shut in the car door and this man passed out cold as they worked on him in the ER of the hospital. So, he said to me, "Denise, you were being a parent." It's been a big blow to me though to lose confidence in myself in that respect. I am around medical stuff A LOT with Tim. I sure don't want this to happen again. OY! It seems nothing goes smoothly for us. Luckily, I was able to get Liv thru the next few days with ibuprofen, as we were worried her gut wouldn't tolerate the narcotic pain meds, as my doesn't either. She is better, though still a bit sore. Had a lot of cutting and digging go on in her mouth, but, it's over and we're glad of it. Now, her orthodontist can finish up with her braces and she'll probably get them off sometime next year. That kid's smile has cost us 7500 bucks OUT OF POCKET. SHEESH! She's worth it but it's times like this I'm glad we only have one. Moving on.

2 years

The 23rd was 2 years since the big blowup with Tim's family. Also his parents' wedding anniversary.
Hard to imagine 2 years has blown by. 2 years of them hardly knowing us. I saw them for the first time in over 5 months last weekend. Dropped Liv off for a visit and talked to them for a few minutes when I picked her up. They came to a JV football game on Monday but my parents were there too so they talked to them most of the time. We were all at a varsity game last night that Liv was cheering at. I don't know if they realized my parents were there, as well as my sister Lori, who they are best friends with, but they did not look for us in the stands and sat somewhere else. We didn't even know they were there until we saw them walk out before the game ended. It was a shutout. We beat them soundly and it was cold so I guess they split because of that. Oh well. Is what it is. It's such a weird situation, but, the one thing I don't think any one of them realized, was that they are such toxic people, that many people find their quality of life is better not being around them. I used to feel some guilt over this. I don't anymore. I have NEVER said or done anything to those people like they said and did to me, and my family. I put up with this for 20 years. They were warned that we'd had enough. And, honestly, my husband is just about the most easy-going guy you would ever meet. If you hit his breaking point, man that is really saying something. That guy lets things roll off better than the majority of people. I hit my breaking point MANY times with his family. But, with Tim, when he hit it, he was done. And with me, I turn the other cheek SO MANY TIMES in relationships that if you use up all those "second chances" you really made your own bed. I still feel bad for Tim and Liv. It's too bad that these people showed them, over and over again, how very low on their priority list they were. Very sad, especially considering our circumstances. But, they did, and we got the message, and we decided to bump them down our own priority list. The result was, we got rid of a lot of negativity and aggravation from our lives. I could never stand being estranged from my own kid. But, I guess their need to blame others for everything and not take responsibility for what they did is more important to them. Takes all kinds, I always say. I saw this post on the MM facebook support group from a woman whose husband has MM and she was ranting about the people, even family, that backed out on them. I thought, "yep, been there, done that." A friend of mine put this quote on her facebook the other day. It said, "The only people I owe my loyalty to, are those who never made me question theirs." How fitting.

3 cheers for STABLE

Tim had his quarterly appointment on Friday. He remains stable at .20 M-spike. Thanks be to GOD.
This appointment sets the tone for our holiday season so I am thrilled that it went well, but, then again, I always am. Unfortunately, someone I really care about was diagnosed with prostate cancer a week and a half ago and I am now worried about him. I tell ya, you just can't get away from this cancer nonsense. This one shocked me. I really thought his biopsy was going to be negative. His PSA
isn't even out of normal range for a man his age. It just rose a bit from the last one and they ordered a biopsy. He goes tomorrow for scans to be sure it is confined to just the prostate and has not spread. I sure pray that it has not. UGH!!!

On other news, Liv sprained her ankle in gym class. I have a big toe injury that I got from being stupid, as in catching for Liv while she practiced softball pitching, whilst I was wearing flip-flops. Won't be doing that again. We are busy doing the football and cheerleading thing 3 times a week. On Mondays, Liv is cheerleading captain for the JV squad and we go to the JV games. On Friday nights, we go see our varsity team play. They are whomping butt this year. Then, on Saturday nights, Liv coaches the cheerleaders for our youth football league, who are generally getting their butts whomped. It's a good kind of busy, and when it's over in Nov., we don't have much to do.

Tim is still REALLY busy at work. Golfing today for only the second time this season, which stinks.
I am taking a 9 week financial course of Dave Ramsey's and it has made me worry about money even more. Did ya ever sit down and figure out how much money goes out every month? Don't. It's damn scary!!! I've warned Liv that if she asks me for a smart phone one more time, she's in BIG trouble.

Basically, things are rolling along in our "normal" fashion. Nothing gets done around the house. We're not doing what we WANT to do, and are bogged down in all the stuff we HAVE to do. Just
"business as usual" around here. Trying to find joy in the monotony, I guess. Such is life.

Happy autumn!