It is what it is

I started going to a therapist a few months ago. I had a disastrous stab at this 3 years ago and figured I'd
find someone else and give it another go. She's nice. A transplanted Brit. My sister just asked me how it's going and I don't really know if it's helping me. I mean, after 4 1/2 years of being on the MM roller coaster, I've learned a thing or
two about what you have to do to be able to function while living in this bad dream. There's nothing this woman can say to me that changes my situation. Life is a constant struggle of trying
to live in the moment. Kids do this with flair. Adults, and more to the point, those of us prone to worry in the
first place, have a hard time of it. There are financial concerns that force you to think about the future.
MM did not hit us in our retirement with monthly incomes, paid off homes, and medicare on board.  PS tells me that of course
you have to deal with practical matters but any other time you find yourself thinking about the future, just tell yourself, "you can't go there." Well, I do, but there's an underlying level of depression that is always there when you live like this. I don't know how long I will continue to see her. Sure she
makes a suggestion here or there, but it's rarely anything I haven't thought of, I'm just more likely to do it because she may ask me if I did at the next appt. We lost a wonderful woman from our support group a few weeks ago. When you have constant reminders of what is really going on in your life, there's no running from the truth. I
had meant to start keeping in touch with her via e-mail between meetings but when I finally did, her son replied to tell me she had passed away. We lost a man too. Pretty darn sobering.
I still recall reading 2 or 3 years ago that some doctors/researchers think we'll have the cure for MM within 10 years. I don't know how you make a guess like that but if it's true that a cure is on the horizon, I sure hope they hurry. I know that allos can cure but not often enough. A certain MM spec. says he's curing
some folks of MM without an allo but I suppose we need time to see if that's true. In the meantime, it is painful and so sad to see people do poorly and lose their battle with this damned disease. I don't know what it is about falling asleep. Maybe you let your defenses down or something, but that is when I can suddenly wake with overwhelming emotions of fear and grief about what we're dealing with. I start to tear up and have to stop my thoughts immediately as it feels like I'll fall right down into a hole I can't get out of. Tim goes for his appts. this coming month. These 3 month intervals are a Godsend. Not that I forget about MM for even a day, but there was a time when we felt like all we did was truck back and forth to his oncologist and sit in that waiting room. We know what it's like to be in active treatment and have Tim fighting for his life. Now, we know what it's like to have a time of remission. It's like all the cliches, " the calm before the storm", "waiting for the other shoe to drop." No matter what, you are caught in a hyper alert stance, though I honestly think Tim does an incredible job of pushing MM from his mind. Wish I was as good at that. I am as relaxed as I think I can get under the circumstances. Many people tell me they're amazed at how I hold up. Well, falling apart completely( in private, when he was first dx'ed and for a long time afterward) was not much fun and it's not a place you can function well from. I wonder sometimes if we are passing up the opportunity to cure Tim. His sis is an HLA match. There are things that could happen to her medically that would make her unable to donate. We're not getting any younger. Since being tested 4 years ago, she has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and hypothyroidism.
Tim's doc says these don't matter but there are other things that do.Should we be doing this now while he is strong and has very minimal disease, and she is healthy? Probably, but it's hard to make that decision when things are going smoothly. Heck, it's hard to make that decision anytime. So, we plug along. Take each day as it comes. As always, being grateful for the positives and trying not to dwell on the negatives. Tim stays super busy at work which is a huge help to him mentally. I drag my feet doing things I don't want to do and
then get so behind, it's ridiculous. The time flies. Before we know it, it will be Christmas. We are 4 1/2  years into this journey and I know we are incredibly blessed that Tim defied the odds that his docs had given him. Just wish I could slow things down a bit, but speed up that cure thing, but like all things, it is what it is. We wait and we pray.

Autumn in Jersey

This is my  back to school life:
Driving my kid around so much, as well as the occasional friend(s), that I need to paint my mommy van
yellow with black checkers.
Doing gobs of paperwork that I CAN'T stand.
Tenants breaking a lease and re-renting an apartment that was contracted to be rented until February.(First showing and it was a done deal. A personal record of  24 hours.)
Meeting with the  president of the football league to try to do something about bullying problems with their players. I am co-founder of a parent based, anti-bullying group.
TONS of household chores that I do not want to do either.
Seeing another yard sale season go by with me not having the time to do one.
Seeing another warm season end when the chores to finish construction on our house were not fit in.
Various school functions and meetings
Soccer games and football games(this is pretty fun.)
Listening to how tired and stressed my husband is from having so much work.
Wondering when I will ever start exercising and get rid of this weight I've gained.
Stalling on scheduling doctor appts. I'm due for.
Switching clothes out for the cold weather and bumming over how many of them don't fit anymore.
Wishing for the zillionth time since Tim's diagnosis that we could spend our time doing what we WANT to do
instead of all the crap that we MUST.
Everyone says "live for today" and "seize the moment."
How in the world do you do that?

Starting off the school year

Well Olivia has made it through her first full week of this school year, or maybe WE have made it. Her first day of school, I woke with a horrible neck and headache that lasted all day and the next day, I woke up with severe vertigo and could not even walk, my head was spinning so bad. SPLENDID! Thank heavens for Bonine. Though she is only in the 8th grade,
she is now going to the high school. She spent the first few days getting lost in the building and sometimes
going to the wrong class(they use a 4 day rotating schedule that drops and picks up certain classes). She seems to like it, though the amount of homework has tripled and she is not pleased about that. She does both soccer and cheerleading in the fall season so she usually has a practice or game 6 days a week, making it hard to fit in all the homework. They won the 1st soccer game of the season today and Liv scored one of the goals. Then we drove to see our nephew's football game and they creamed their opponents. It's kinda fun, kinda hectic getting back into the whole grind of school. We have to leave the house a half hour earlier in the morning.
The last school she went to was not even a mile from our house. The highschool is 2.5 miles but the TRAFFIC is insane. The first day of school, it took us a half hour to get her to school and get home. CRAZY. Considering the towns around here are about 3 to 4 miles across but have populations
upwards of 10 thousand people each, you can imagine that's a lot of darn cars on the road. I am now driving a roundabout way to get to school but at least I avoid sitting in bumper to bumper traffic until the last block or so. Liv also got retainers this week to try to correct a few bite issues before she moves on to full braces. MAN I did not know how pricey braces were. I thought maybe I'd hop on that bandwagon and get my askew front tooth straightened a bit but 6 thousand dollars times 2, forget it. This guy is so busy, it's hard getting appointments with him. I told Olivia she should DEFINITELY become an orthodontist. KA-CHING.  I took the 5% off, pay all up front option and I think the dentist's wife is out buying coach pocketbooks and shoes today with Tim's hard earned money. So anyway, onto the fall. We live a pretty boring life so it's nice to get out and socialize at all these sports functions. Even Lacey has been loving it. I take
her to the new dog park where Liv's soccer games are, just down our street. She made some new dog friends. Today, she met Fred the beagle and I think Fred is "head over paws" in love with our little Lacey. He
was baying at her and finally Lacey broke down and talked to him. Everyone was laughing at this little beagle conversation. They stood there on point, looking at each other and he would bark, then she would answer. Very cute. After Liv's friend's soccer game was finished and I left to go help her with our chairs, Fred cried for Lacey and followed her all the way down the fence line. He layed down and watched her every move until we came back his way toward our car. He started barking at her
and followed her every move down the fence again. The whole time, Lacey was barely giving him a glance. Playing a little "hard to get", I guess. He was adorable. Same age as her but a bit smaller. I better watch him though. It appears he still has all his "original equipment" so no wonder he hasn't "lost that lovin' feeling."
Got a call from my older sis who is touring California with my parents, while at the dog park. She called from Tahoe. Color me jealous. Someday, I should force myself back on a plane and go there. Tim and Liv want to go and I wouldn't mind  a CA trip either if it weren't for the flying part. Oh well, time to make the donuts. Happy Fall!

Blue Grass and Jesus

http://www.vtcucc.org/churches/EastHardwick.html


While in VT on vacation, I happened to notice an ad in the local paper that said there would be a blue grass band performing at the Sunday service in this tiny little post-civil war Congregational Church just down the street from my in-laws' house(link above). I figured I had to check this out. Tim and Liv took a pass as did my in-laws.
I have to say, it was the sweetest little service I have ever been to and I was sorry they missed it. There were only 16 people there and that included the 3-piece band and one of their kids, the organist, and the Deacon, who ran the service because the Pastor was not there. The music was great. Everyone knew everyone, 'cept me of course, and gosh, it was really moving and warm and fuzzy and memorable. Just a toe-tapping good time. The band was 2 guys, who both played acoustic guitars and banjos, and the one guy's wife, who played a bass guitar. The guys did all the singing. At the conclusion of the service, the whole congregation, all 16 of us, got up and formed a circle, held hands and sang(or in my case, mouthed the words to)  "Til we meet again." DO YOU GET any more warm and fuzzy than that?! The Deacon started the service with this speech. I asked if he had a copy of it after the service and he gladly gave me his. I must say, it made us all laugh out loud and then it made me think. He said:

"If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
It you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender
preference, or politics,
THEN, you have ALMOST reached the same level of development
As your dog."

I thought this was hysterical. But then it also made me think of something. One is obviously expecting the last line to say something like, "you are blessed" or "living a Godly life" or something about Jesus. Instead it made me think that my dog is a MUCH better Christian than I am because I can't say that I can do ALL of those things, consistantly. So a lot of us folks who love pets and hope so much that the ones we have loved do go to Heaven so we can see them again,......well.......maybe the reality is that our pets are a shoo-in to get to Heaven and THEY may be worried if WE are going to "make the cut" so they can see us in the here-after. Just sayin'.  ;o)

Maybe I have to start taking cues from my puppy. :o)

Making our way back to Jersey

Well, we got power back home in Jersey. My sis called yesterday and I guess we've dodged the horrors
of being without it for over a week. We will set out today going all interstates to avoid some of the road
and bridge washouts that happened throughout VT. The problem with hitting detours in VT is that you sometimes have to drive miles on dirt roads to get around the problem and back on the "main" road again and it is time consuming. It's been a really nice vacation. There's always things we didn't get to do(I took my golf clubs for a ride again and never used them), no matter how long we're here, but all in all, it's been great. I love New Hampshire more and more every time I visit.
Lots of folks living there from Jersey and other states, so there's many reasons folks live there. Being stunningly beautiful is just one. It was nice to visit Hillary, who looks great this soon
after transplant. Still can't believe her hubby spent his early childhood living within a half mile of Tim, and just 3 miles from where we live in the next town. There is nothing much in Tim's home town. Crazy to meet up  with someone in NH who lived there. SUCH a small world.  Gotta get packed and drag Tim and Liv outta bed now. Hoping to be home by dinner time.

Flood

Well, I'm up here in VT while half my home state is under water. Tim woke up with what I guess was
a wicked migraine, got sick to his stomach ,and I gave him an Ativan. He feels MUCH better. That stuff is awesome. His dad was walking around in a rotten mood, knowing his power in NJ was out, therefore his basement is taking on water with no pump running. I was tempted to slip him an Ativan!!! Olivia's friends were posting photos on facebook and even though we don't generally get water in our house or our 2 family, I have NEVER seen floods like this in my life. I started
to worry about my rental. A little river is right behind it but we are elevated from it quite a bit. Luckily, my sis and bro-in-law checked both houses and we are dry and I am so thankful. My downstairs tenant is "stuck" in Hilton Head and we had to check her apt. because part if it is on the basement level. All is OK. The river has greatly overflown its banks and is raging like crazy just about 30 or so feet from the back of the house so my upstairs tenants have a heck of a view, but as long as it stays out there, we look to be getting through Irene
in good shape.  Feeling awful bad for those who aren't. My sis and bro-in-law went to check out my in-laws'
house down there, they have 2 feet of water in  the basement and everything is being ruined. My father-in-law is taking it pretty well, now. It's a helpless feeling being 350 miles away, so I'm surprised he's behaving this well, and has not even cracked a beer all day. Kudos to Tim for being the one always thinking about property pitch and all that stuff with the houses we have bought. It never occurred to me at the times but one sees now how darn important it is. On a "lighter note", well.....kinda......maybe not, Tim's sis and family just lost their cat after 18 years.
They buried it in the back yard.  Tim's sis had to jog across the yard to run down a flying umbrella(they are also flooded and bailing out their basement.)  Suddenly, her leg sunk way down in the mud as she was running and she realized she had accidentally stepped on the new grave and sunk in. Pushed poor Sassy even further down, it seems. Poor kitty. She had to reach down into the mud to retrieve her clog.
Anyway, here is our PICKLE:
We have no electric back home. Tim's cousin, in Oregon, was watching a news feed from the NYC metro area and our little 2 mile wide town was actually listed as the worst hit in the area. Nothing like getting honorable mention in the "up shits creek" category. I'm hearing rumors we won't have electric until next week. Do we go home tomorrow as planned, to no lights, A/C, fridge, hot water, TV, or computer(GASP), or do we stay here in VT with all these modern conveniences?
I have every intention of starting a diet when I get home, but hunting and gathering wasn't exactly what I
had in mind! If I could shower, this would be a no-brainer, 'cause we are here with THE OUT-LAWS,
doncha know, so the other conveniences, like eating, wouldn't be so missed, all things considered!!!

Now THIS is funny

If you ever met my sister's mother-in-law.....well...lets just say people cross the street to avoid running into her. I know, 'cause I've done it. She is just nuts, takes narcissism to a whole new level, and honestly, she will strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, start talking about her medical problems, and before long will be describing her bowel movements to them. Again... I know, 'cause....you get the picture. She almost destroyed my sister's marriage to her son because she could not let him go. She then thought she would raise their daughter too, when she was born. I guess it seemed natural to her since she treated her son like her husband. Mind you, her own daughter moved out of the house before she was even 18 and then left for Boston so she could stay away from her. Anyway, my sister at one point had to keep her out of her home for 6 months because the woman started a fight there right in front of her daughter. When she was allowed to visit again my sis and her husband told her that for now on, there would be boundaries that she would obey or she
would not be permitted to visit anymore. So, cut to a few weeks ago, she gets my 8 yr. old niece in her bedroom alone and procedes to tell her about her brother who was an alcoholic and committed suicide.
(sidebar here, her brother's widow then changed her phone number AS WELL as her daughter's cell # and told my sis' m-i-l they didn't want to hear from her again.) Then she started talking about how cigarettes cause cancer and kill you. My bro-in-law smokes and drinks beer so these really aren't things my niece needs to hear. Then she starting telling her about what happened in NYC about the kid that was grabbed and killed. When my sis found all this out after she left, she sent her an
e-mail and told her that this was inappropriate and the kid was freaked now. She needs to put it in writing and cc her husband or his mother will lie about what my sister said. I know Miss Paula may be bursting about now.  BTW, Cathy's(my sister) m-i-l lives in Georgia now. So anyhoo, the m-i-l wanted to do skype  with my niece now and my sis told her husband that is the only way they will talk now because this woman cannot be trusted on the phone to talk appropriately to an 8 yr. old. At least with skype, my sis can hear it all.
So my sis and her family just went to Lake George for a week. They take my b-i-l's father, who is divorced from his mom, YA THINK. His mom is remarried. They would never take his mom though. There's no way theywould let her ruin their vacation. So Chris(my b-i-l) has a brother who at mid 30's has his first girlfriend ever. She is a really pretty school teacher but Mike refuses to even tell his mother he has a girlfriend after seeing what she did to my sis' relationship with his brother. They've been dating since Dec. and his mom has NO idea. So Mike last minute decides to rent a cabin with the woman and go to Lake George with everyone else. The cabin was disgusting but they stuck it out. He asks my sis not to tell his mom about his girlfriend. She says,
"no worries there Mike but all bets are off with a 4 and 8 year old." He said, " I know, but just make sure you and Chris don't slip."  So cut to a skype conversation that just happened a few hours ago. My 8 yr. old niece, who thinks she's 30, told her grandma that she doesn't want her talking about anything violent to her anymore. Then Bobbie( the name grandma made up because she doesn't want to be called grandma) says,
"Ya know what Sierra? someday, me and Dino(her husband) would like to come to Lake George with you guys." (My sis almost chokes and is reaching for her blender and margarita mix at this point) Bobbie says,
"we wouldn't stay in the same house, we'd get our own place and just stay for 3 days or so." So with that Sierra says, "Well OK Bobbie but whatever you do, don't stay in the place Mike and Dana stayed in!" Cathy and Chris are like OH NO and they quietly get her attention and say "Sierra!" and start giving the slash across the throat sign to get her to stop saying this, to which Sierra says, "Uh Oh Bobbie, everyone is doing this to me now" as she shows Bobbie on skype the universal "cut" throat slashing motion. Bobbie is on her skype down in Georgia silent with her mouth hanging open. She's in complete shock and Cathy says to Chris, "MAY DAY, hurry up and call Mike with a heads up!"  Now I don't know if this reads funny. I can tell you that if you knew the characters in this little ditty, you'd know how doggone funny this is. My sis just told me on the phone and I am still chuckling. I tell ya, kids are a riot. My condolences go out to Mike tonight who is NEVER going to hear the end of this and is probably on the phone now getting the lecture of his life. When his girlfriend mentioned to Cathy once that Mike doesn't seem to want her to meet his mom(she hasn't a clue why), my sister told her she understood his reasoning and she'd ride that as far as she could if it were her.