From Colossians 3:12-14
I believe these words are attributed to Paul.
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these
virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Tim's friend, Ron, lost his dad 2 weeks ago. It was/is a very sad thing. He was only 73 and died in his sleep of a heart attack. What made it even worse is that noone was home with him. His wife, Ron's stepmother, was away on a trip. After several days of not being able to contact him, she called their daughter to go check on him. Very unfortunate circumstances, to be sure. She found him, after he'd been gone for 4 days.
Tim went to the wake last Monday, and I went with him to the funeral on Tuesday. The service was held in the Catholic church that I grew up in. I must say, the priest performed the absolute best sermon I have ever heard at a funeral. He did not know Ron's dad, who is from this area but has lived in Myrtle Beach, SC for years. He still did a fantastic job of comforting the family. He spoke of God's promise of eternal life and mentioned, and recommended, a book writtten by a woman, an orthopedic surgeon, who drowned on a canoe trip to Peru or somewhere and came back to life. I plan to read the book, (To heaven and back), but it is currently checked out of our library. He said that God expects us to TRY to be a good person. He emphasized try. He said we all fall short, but we have to try to do the right things, treat people the right way, and believe in Him and we are promised that we don't die. The priest prefers the term "pass on" instead of "pass away" because he said that Ron(Tim's friend is named after his dad) is not gone, though he may be away from us, he is still living. The above passage was read during this funeral service. I thought, "uh oh, this is that thing I have such a hard time with." Forgiveness- I guess a lot of us struggle with that. Tim had talked to Ronny privately the night before at the wake. Ron told him that he had had some real heart-to-heart talks with his dad just recently and his dad had been up to visit just 2 weeks prior and came with him to play darts one night at a men's club, his dad filling in for a guy who couldn't make it that night. He felt grateful, but also a bit spooked, that these things had just happened and then his dad dies unexpectedly. He also told Tim that he should try to patch things up with his family. Tim said, "Ron, I can appreciate how you feel, but this isn't just 1 or 2 things that happened here. It's been 20+ years of bullsh*t going on. It's just not that easy." Ron understood. Near the end of the funeral service, Ron's half sister, who found her father, got up and did the prayers part where she would say what we were praying for and the people replied after each line. The last line she said was the only one she faltered on. She said, "for those who have been hurt by family" and then she broke down. The priest was nearby, ready to step in, but gave her a minute. She took a few deep breaths, tried again, had to take a few more, and squeaked her way through that last line. I don't remember the line exactly, but it was something to the effect of "may they be moved to forgiveness and healing." YIKES!!!! I don't know if there were issues between her and her dad or what, but she definitely lost it on that point. I thought that maybe I have to try harder to soften my heart. I feel sorry for certain people in Tim's family. I consider that a form of forgiveness. They are very unhappy people. They will never be satisfied in life because they focus on the wrong things as far as what they think will make them happy. Material things, trying to out-do everyone around them. The problem with them is that they can't so they set about tearing everyone else down, in a "misery loves company" type of thing. Instead of improving their lives and working on their contentment with themselves, they'll just rip everyone else to pieces so they can feel better. I just don't know how you forgive people who set out to make everyone around them miserable AND don't stop. Tim's parents have lost countless friends over the years and now their son, and granddaughter, yet, I don't think any of them have changed their M.O's at all. I'm not sure they're even sorry for what they did and said. I think they're just mad that there were consequences and blaming me and Tim for not putting up with it anymore. My pastor said to me, shortly after this happened, that you can work on forgiveness but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself back out there to be mistreated again. He said there is nothing wrong with self-preservation. I personally believe self preservation is the most basic of instincts to all living creatures. So, how do you forgive people who are continuing to abuse you? who hurt your husband at the worst time of his life, who kicked our family when we were already down, repeatedly, and continue to behind our backs? The therapist I used to see is convinced that they consciously or sub-consciously took themselves out of our lives to avoid the future pain that may be involved and to spare themselves of having their own lives negatively affected by our situation. How do you make room for people like that in your life when you're already dealing with so much hardship, and you know that they will continue to make things worse for you? I don't know. I just don't. I try to find some way to see that "they knew not what they did" but that's hard to convince myself of. They did, they really knew what would happen if they didn't stop doing what they were doing to me/us. They continued anyway, his father and sister-in-law most notably. The things that were said were said for no other reason than to hurt me as badly as they possibly could. Despite this being the worst time in my life too, there was not an ounce
of empathy in these people, not one iota, and that is just something that Tim and I cannot wrap our brains around. So, I will continue to work on being a forgiving person. I hope that God will see my heart and know how much I struggle and try. An important person in my life told me not long ago that I didn't have a mean bone in my body. I disagreed. This person knows all these players and what happened and when I mentioned that, this person said, "while you may have taken a stand against someone, it was always because you were being gentle to someone else." What they meant was I did it to protect my husband and daughter. As a wife, mom, and now caregiver, they HAVE to be my first priority. They are. So, FORGIVENESS, it's a tough one, probably the hardest thing us mere mortals are asked to do in this life. "Forgive as the Lord forgave you." I guess I'm hoping that God is a heckuva lot better at it than I am. I'm sure He is. I will continue to TRY.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
2013
Well, I guess we're off to a good start this year. Tim had his check-up yesterday. I was more nervous than usual. I saw that his kappa number had risen by about 3 points at his last appointment. I was told some time ago that the free-lites going out of range would be the first sign of relapse. I thought
for sure they'd be out of range now. They were not, but did rise to 18. 19 is the end of the normal range. The head nurse told me to stop worrying, that a few points over 6 months meant nothing to them. Doc said it was not a problem too. His other numbers all look good and M-spike stayed stable at .15. We are very relieved. His red, white, and platelet counts looked really good and I'm convinced it's because work slowed up and his body has gotten a LONG needed rest. The nurse pulled me into a separate room to tell me that a woman from our support group died, so that did put a definite damper on this appt. She did not want to talk of people dying in front of Tim but mentioned that our office has had a very tough time of
it lately and quite a few patients passed away. This SUCKS to hear, to know, to think about. I appreciate that she did this privately with me and I did not tell Tim, said it was just support group talk. There are 3 docs in this practice now and we've seen all of them and formed relationships with them. The 2 we were not seeing yesterday, stopped what they were doing to visit with us, ask Tim how he was, and catch up a bit.
Everyone there is SO nice. We've formed great relationships with so many people. I realized after we left that these people gravitated to him/us while we were there. One doc stopped in the middle of a dictation when he saw us and came into our room to chat. The other was on his way into another room and stopped to check in. I think it raises these guys' spirits to see Tim. It must be SO hard what they do. Seeing people die. Feeling so helpless, at times. I think it's a shot in the arm for them to see patients doing well and living a fulfilling life.
Tim is definitely a success story to them. We feel very blessed to spend most of his appts. joking with his doctors and we take an interest in THEIR lives too and ask about them and their families. After we were done joking around, Tim got his Zometa infusion and we were off for home. I'm breathing a lot easier now.
So, it's back to the rock pile here. I am pushing myself to do things around the house and catch up. Things I will not mention because I was probably posting about them the last 1 or 2 years and am embaressed to say have not accomplished them. I will have much more time to myself now that Tim and I are not coaching softball. Liv is playing for the high school team, and aside from taking her to pitching lessons and practicing with her at home, we get to sit on the bleachers and take it all in now. Huzzah!
On the family front, the news is still hard. My mom's memory is failing very quickly despite only being 71. SO sad. Just trying to deal with that as best I can. Nothing to be done about it. We still have almost no contact with Tim's family. We took Olivia
for sure they'd be out of range now. They were not, but did rise to 18. 19 is the end of the normal range. The head nurse told me to stop worrying, that a few points over 6 months meant nothing to them. Doc said it was not a problem too. His other numbers all look good and M-spike stayed stable at .15. We are very relieved. His red, white, and platelet counts looked really good and I'm convinced it's because work slowed up and his body has gotten a LONG needed rest. The nurse pulled me into a separate room to tell me that a woman from our support group died, so that did put a definite damper on this appt. She did not want to talk of people dying in front of Tim but mentioned that our office has had a very tough time of
it lately and quite a few patients passed away. This SUCKS to hear, to know, to think about. I appreciate that she did this privately with me and I did not tell Tim, said it was just support group talk. There are 3 docs in this practice now and we've seen all of them and formed relationships with them. The 2 we were not seeing yesterday, stopped what they were doing to visit with us, ask Tim how he was, and catch up a bit.
Everyone there is SO nice. We've formed great relationships with so many people. I realized after we left that these people gravitated to him/us while we were there. One doc stopped in the middle of a dictation when he saw us and came into our room to chat. The other was on his way into another room and stopped to check in. I think it raises these guys' spirits to see Tim. It must be SO hard what they do. Seeing people die. Feeling so helpless, at times. I think it's a shot in the arm for them to see patients doing well and living a fulfilling life.
Tim is definitely a success story to them. We feel very blessed to spend most of his appts. joking with his doctors and we take an interest in THEIR lives too and ask about them and their families. After we were done joking around, Tim got his Zometa infusion and we were off for home. I'm breathing a lot easier now.
So, it's back to the rock pile here. I am pushing myself to do things around the house and catch up. Things I will not mention because I was probably posting about them the last 1 or 2 years and am embaressed to say have not accomplished them. I will have much more time to myself now that Tim and I are not coaching softball. Liv is playing for the high school team, and aside from taking her to pitching lessons and practicing with her at home, we get to sit on the bleachers and take it all in now. Huzzah!
On the family front, the news is still hard. My mom's memory is failing very quickly despite only being 71. SO sad. Just trying to deal with that as best I can. Nothing to be done about it. We still have almost no contact with Tim's family. We took Olivia
to her cousin's college graduation party 2 weeks ago so she could see her cousins and Tim's family. Tim did not even want to go inside. I walked her in and we went home, picking her up later. Congratulated our niece, who came outside to see us(love that kid) and that was that. Very sad state of affairs, but his family's behavior is STILL horrible and we have written them off. It takes a certain kind of person to kick people who are down, even worse to keep doing it, to have it be family members is hard to wrap our brains around but that is what we're dealing with here and we don't want to hang with people like that. They've done so much more harm than good to us and we know now that they can't/won't change and we're not willing to open ourselves up to that kind of treatment again.
So, we are happy to have another 3 month reprieve. Tim, Olivia, and I are like the 3 Musketeers and are VERY close. We're just doing our thing. Coping pretty well despite it all and trying to be grateful each day. I told Tim in 2007 that if he thought he was bailing out on me to leave me to raise a teenage daughter by myself, he was NUTS and I was not letting him off the hook. It's almost 6 years since his diagnosis now, and we're doing it, raising a teenage daughter. So far, it's not so bad. She's a good kid, just whines if you try to take her picture, HATES everything I pick out, doesn't listen to us for beans, and wants everything her friends have. Other than that, she'sdriving me crazy PERFECT. Hoping 2013 is a great year for y'all!!!!
So, we are happy to have another 3 month reprieve. Tim, Olivia, and I are like the 3 Musketeers and are VERY close. We're just doing our thing. Coping pretty well despite it all and trying to be grateful each day. I told Tim in 2007 that if he thought he was bailing out on me to leave me to raise a teenage daughter by myself, he was NUTS and I was not letting him off the hook. It's almost 6 years since his diagnosis now, and we're doing it, raising a teenage daughter. So far, it's not so bad. She's a good kid, just whines if you try to take her picture, HATES everything I pick out, doesn't listen to us for beans, and wants everything her friends have. Other than that, she's
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Trying to find peace and joy
Fair warning: This is not an uplifting post.
Well, I must say, this holiday season has been tough. I am trying to find that whole "Peace, Joy, and Goodwill toward men" thing but, boy, is it elusive this year. First, so much of my state has been devastated by hurricane Sandy. The economy is worse than ever, and for once, even Tim is slow.
Hope that turns around after the new year. This fiscal cliff thing, the election, and all the bad news swirling around, I think, has just zapped consumer confidence. This shooting in CT it the worst of it though. Those poor people. I brought Olivia to school on Monday and there were cops everywhere. Then, some senior in our school made some kind of threat, was arrested, and there are even more cops at our school every morning now. JEEZ, it's just so sad. Not fun to be a kid these days. That town in CT is only about 70 miles from here. We've driven past it countless times, as it is right off the highway we take when we go to VT or NH. Horrible that our kids go to school with this fear now. I wonder if Olivia will graduate highschool before we see metal detectors installed in the school.We went into NY city on Wed. to see the show "Elf" and the Rockefeller Center tree, windows, etc. It put us back into the holiday spirit, only to come home and find out later that night about the threat in our school and how it had been put on lockdown right after school let out that day. I dunno. What is wrong with people?
This psychologist on TV said that people blame their problems on others, don't take personal responsibility for their own words/actions, and then take revenge on others because they are so miserable. Sounds like my out-laws. It's true though. So many people blame everyone else for their
own issues and never look at themselves. NOT good. Went to an MM support group meeting on Thursday, which was also hard.
One woman, who has been in remission for years now, just told us her husband was dx'ed with advanced esophageal cancer. She is beside herself. Dang, bad news everywhere I turn. I just got off the phone with my younger sister. Her family is dealing with flu and colds, and has been for some time. Our Christmas celebrations may fall apart now, as we may have to stay away from them, and just started spending Christmas at her house after last year's falling out with Tim's family. So, it may
be jammies, TV, and Christmas Eve leftovers for us on Christmas day. Oh well, As usual, I have to dig really deep to find those blessings, but they're there. Always. We're gonna make the best of it, even if the three of us spend the day home. Good thing we enjoy each other's company. I thought about going back into the city and catching the Christmas spectactular, or trying to find a soup kitchen to volunteer at. Knowing me, I'll be beat from doing Christmas Eve and just want to relax.
Oh well, hope your holidays are happy. I'm gonna do whatever I can to get there. Hey, things may not be perfect but..................IT AIN'T THE END OF THE WORLD, RIGHT?????!!!!!
Them crazy mayans.
Well, I must say, this holiday season has been tough. I am trying to find that whole "Peace, Joy, and Goodwill toward men" thing but, boy, is it elusive this year. First, so much of my state has been devastated by hurricane Sandy. The economy is worse than ever, and for once, even Tim is slow.
Hope that turns around after the new year. This fiscal cliff thing, the election, and all the bad news swirling around, I think, has just zapped consumer confidence. This shooting in CT it the worst of it though. Those poor people. I brought Olivia to school on Monday and there were cops everywhere. Then, some senior in our school made some kind of threat, was arrested, and there are even more cops at our school every morning now. JEEZ, it's just so sad. Not fun to be a kid these days. That town in CT is only about 70 miles from here. We've driven past it countless times, as it is right off the highway we take when we go to VT or NH. Horrible that our kids go to school with this fear now. I wonder if Olivia will graduate highschool before we see metal detectors installed in the school.We went into NY city on Wed. to see the show "Elf" and the Rockefeller Center tree, windows, etc. It put us back into the holiday spirit, only to come home and find out later that night about the threat in our school and how it had been put on lockdown right after school let out that day. I dunno. What is wrong with people?
This psychologist on TV said that people blame their problems on others, don't take personal responsibility for their own words/actions, and then take revenge on others because they are so miserable. Sounds like my out-laws. It's true though. So many people blame everyone else for their
own issues and never look at themselves. NOT good. Went to an MM support group meeting on Thursday, which was also hard.
One woman, who has been in remission for years now, just told us her husband was dx'ed with advanced esophageal cancer. She is beside herself. Dang, bad news everywhere I turn. I just got off the phone with my younger sister. Her family is dealing with flu and colds, and has been for some time. Our Christmas celebrations may fall apart now, as we may have to stay away from them, and just started spending Christmas at her house after last year's falling out with Tim's family. So, it may
be jammies, TV, and Christmas Eve leftovers for us on Christmas day. Oh well, As usual, I have to dig really deep to find those blessings, but they're there. Always. We're gonna make the best of it, even if the three of us spend the day home. Good thing we enjoy each other's company. I thought about going back into the city and catching the Christmas spectactular, or trying to find a soup kitchen to volunteer at. Knowing me, I'll be beat from doing Christmas Eve and just want to relax.
Oh well, hope your holidays are happy. I'm gonna do whatever I can to get there. Hey, things may not be perfect but..................IT AIN'T THE END OF THE WORLD, RIGHT?????!!!!!
Them crazy mayans.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The girls are alright
So, after over a month of this mammogram stuff hanging over my head, today was the big day. I am
happy to say my boobs are fine. Thanks be to God! Due to hurricane Sandy, my appt. for 10/30 was cancelled. Today at 9 am was the new appt. What a hard morning. It took over 3 1/2 hours of testing
and waiting and worrying. Women all around in gowns feeling vulnerable and scared, saw one woman wiping tears away. As soon as I sat down in the waiting room of gowned women, a commercial comes on the TV about breast cancer and not finding it in time. I said, "great, we all need
to hear this right now." One woman replied, "what timing." There was a woman around my age there
finding out if she was having a breast cancer recurrance. A woman she knew came in and told her that she was dx'ed with it too. I looked around and thought, this is crazy, God gives us these things to feed our kids and we're being poisoned by them. Someone told me recently the odds of getting breast cancer are now like 1 in 7. Just nuts. Is it the deoderants? It has to be something we're doing. And why is is worse in developed countries? I have tried, and will renew my efforts, to use aluminum free deoderant, but I can tell ya, it's not easy. Haven't found one yet that really works. Seems like you can have healthy underarms, or friends, but not both. Who wants to go around stinking all the time?
So, that is the update. I feel blessed, grateful, and proud of how I handled it. Sure I was nervous,
but as Phil B. says, I went in and dominated today.
Happy Thanksgiving to y'all. I have a lot of things to be thankful for, and the result of this day is certainly one of them.
XO
happy to say my boobs are fine. Thanks be to God! Due to hurricane Sandy, my appt. for 10/30 was cancelled. Today at 9 am was the new appt. What a hard morning. It took over 3 1/2 hours of testing
and waiting and worrying. Women all around in gowns feeling vulnerable and scared, saw one woman wiping tears away. As soon as I sat down in the waiting room of gowned women, a commercial comes on the TV about breast cancer and not finding it in time. I said, "great, we all need
to hear this right now." One woman replied, "what timing." There was a woman around my age there
finding out if she was having a breast cancer recurrance. A woman she knew came in and told her that she was dx'ed with it too. I looked around and thought, this is crazy, God gives us these things to feed our kids and we're being poisoned by them. Someone told me recently the odds of getting breast cancer are now like 1 in 7. Just nuts. Is it the deoderants? It has to be something we're doing. And why is is worse in developed countries? I have tried, and will renew my efforts, to use aluminum free deoderant, but I can tell ya, it's not easy. Haven't found one yet that really works. Seems like you can have healthy underarms, or friends, but not both. Who wants to go around stinking all the time?
So, that is the update. I feel blessed, grateful, and proud of how I handled it. Sure I was nervous,
but as Phil B. says, I went in and dominated today.
Happy Thanksgiving to y'all. I have a lot of things to be thankful for, and the result of this day is certainly one of them.
XO
Friday, November 2, 2012
Hurricane Sandy
Well, it's Friday. Olivia STILL doesn't have school. Sandy packed a whallop for our area, mostly
in the form of very high winds and trees down everywhere. Pines were the worst. Their roots do not
go deep into the ground and they don't lose their foliage, so the wind catches that and brings them down. My out-laws lost 3 huge ones, one of which is on top of their house and probably would have gone through it if not for the trees right in front of their porch that "caught" it and broke its fall.
It's a mess here but the shore areas are destroyed and I have a hard time even watching the news because it is so darn sad. The expense of this is going to be crazy, for all the states involved and our government. We only lost power for 2 days and Tim bought that generator on Friday, which we only ran for a few hours at a time, but it kept our food cold, our house and water warm and I can't complain, AT ALL. It also got my breast tests cancelled. I'd love to get it overwith but was pretty
nervous too so can't say I was bummed to have it cancelled. I have not been called by the scheduler yet to re-schedule it. The gas lines here go for blocks and blocks and who knew that the best decision Tim would make would be buying a generator that runs on propane. He filled both tanks before the storm, and when one ran out, he drove right up the street and got it filled with NO line at all. People are going nuts out there. Tempers are high. Having dealt with my own health issues for so much of my life, and now Tim's mm added to that, I just don't get my knickers in a knot about this kind of stuff. It would be different if I lost my house and contents and was displaced for a long time, but, honestly, to hear people whine so badly about losing electric for 2 days, REALLY? People died out there, a woman had her 2 and 4 year olds ripped out of her arms in a flood and they drowned. Folks lost everything and won't be able to go home at all. I guess I just know too many people fighting for their lives right now to get crazy about it. Olivia had a few friends over for a campfire Wed. night. We walked them down to Starbucks and I took the dog. While they
were inside, a couple walked up to meet my dog and we got into a conversation. They were retirement age, live in a town a few miles away, and came to walk our "avenue." Their house was cold from having no heat. The woman's name was Sandy and she started complaining like mad about the storm. At one point, I just said, "my husband is a cancer patient and I know too many young people, with kids, fighting for their lives right now, I just can't get too upset about this" As soon as I said that about Tim, her husband raised his hand in a "me too salute." Turns out he is dealing with a recurrance of small bowel cancer and his wife then admitted to me that this caregiver stuff is just killing her and she is a wreck. Tim came out of Starbucks and the kids were around the corner drinking their sugar-laden drinks and we had a long conversation with this couple. So much in common, but when I said something that had even the littlest hint of faith involved, she said, "ya see, you have that, I don't, I'm Jewish, but a heathen, I don't believe in any of that afterlife stuff. When my mother died and my sister said,"she's with dad now", I said, "no she's not, she's with the gophers."
I found this to be really sad and thought, "no wonder she is having such a hard time dealing with this." She even said then that she knew that it was making it harder for her. I dunno, it's not that it takes the pain, fear, and sadness away, but I guess in some way, it gives one a little comfort to know
that someone has a darn plan in all this and we'll all see each other again some day.When it was time to go, we'd just gotten word that our power was back on. I felt like I knew these people and we should be exchanging phone numbers, but then thought this was just another chance encounter with people living with cancer. They're everywhere, so the "chance" part of that is not that surprising at all.
Well, my heart and prayer go out to so many that were devastated by this storm. Us Jersey folk just love our "Jersey shore" and it's SO heartbreaking to see it wiped out. It will be rebuilt. It has Ya gotta be tough to live in Jersey though, and we'll "dominate" this, as Phil B would say.
in the form of very high winds and trees down everywhere. Pines were the worst. Their roots do not
go deep into the ground and they don't lose their foliage, so the wind catches that and brings them down. My out-laws lost 3 huge ones, one of which is on top of their house and probably would have gone through it if not for the trees right in front of their porch that "caught" it and broke its fall.
It's a mess here but the shore areas are destroyed and I have a hard time even watching the news because it is so darn sad. The expense of this is going to be crazy, for all the states involved and our government. We only lost power for 2 days and Tim bought that generator on Friday, which we only ran for a few hours at a time, but it kept our food cold, our house and water warm and I can't complain, AT ALL. It also got my breast tests cancelled. I'd love to get it overwith but was pretty
nervous too so can't say I was bummed to have it cancelled. I have not been called by the scheduler yet to re-schedule it. The gas lines here go for blocks and blocks and who knew that the best decision Tim would make would be buying a generator that runs on propane. He filled both tanks before the storm, and when one ran out, he drove right up the street and got it filled with NO line at all. People are going nuts out there. Tempers are high. Having dealt with my own health issues for so much of my life, and now Tim's mm added to that, I just don't get my knickers in a knot about this kind of stuff. It would be different if I lost my house and contents and was displaced for a long time, but, honestly, to hear people whine so badly about losing electric for 2 days, REALLY? People died out there, a woman had her 2 and 4 year olds ripped out of her arms in a flood and they drowned. Folks lost everything and won't be able to go home at all. I guess I just know too many people fighting for their lives right now to get crazy about it. Olivia had a few friends over for a campfire Wed. night. We walked them down to Starbucks and I took the dog. While they
were inside, a couple walked up to meet my dog and we got into a conversation. They were retirement age, live in a town a few miles away, and came to walk our "avenue." Their house was cold from having no heat. The woman's name was Sandy and she started complaining like mad about the storm. At one point, I just said, "my husband is a cancer patient and I know too many young people, with kids, fighting for their lives right now, I just can't get too upset about this" As soon as I said that about Tim, her husband raised his hand in a "me too salute." Turns out he is dealing with a recurrance of small bowel cancer and his wife then admitted to me that this caregiver stuff is just killing her and she is a wreck. Tim came out of Starbucks and the kids were around the corner drinking their sugar-laden drinks and we had a long conversation with this couple. So much in common, but when I said something that had even the littlest hint of faith involved, she said, "ya see, you have that, I don't, I'm Jewish, but a heathen, I don't believe in any of that afterlife stuff. When my mother died and my sister said,"she's with dad now", I said, "no she's not, she's with the gophers."
I found this to be really sad and thought, "no wonder she is having such a hard time dealing with this." She even said then that she knew that it was making it harder for her. I dunno, it's not that it takes the pain, fear, and sadness away, but I guess in some way, it gives one a little comfort to know
that someone has a darn plan in all this and we'll all see each other again some day.When it was time to go, we'd just gotten word that our power was back on. I felt like I knew these people and we should be exchanging phone numbers, but then thought this was just another chance encounter with people living with cancer. They're everywhere, so the "chance" part of that is not that surprising at all.
Well, my heart and prayer go out to so many that were devastated by this storm. Us Jersey folk just love our "Jersey shore" and it's SO heartbreaking to see it wiped out. It will be rebuilt. It has Ya gotta be tough to live in Jersey though, and we'll "dominate" this, as Phil B would say.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Halloween storms
Well, last year we had the freak snow storm, with the leaves still on the trees, which brought down a lot of them in NJ, including one that fell on our rental house. This year, we have hurricane Sandy bearing down on us. Tim just went and bought a generator yesterday. Losing electric for a few hours is no biggie. A few days, now that's a nuisance, and you lose all your food, have no heat, etc. Folks are preparing around here.
Fair warning: boob talk coming up. I have an appt. early Tues morning at HUMC's breast center. It's been an aggravating week of phone calls trying to get this all set up. They requested my mammo and sonagram from 10/8 and decided they see something in the right breast they want to check out too. Been having trouble getting my gynecologist's office to write up a script because they have 2 different places requesting different follow-up tests. So, unless they lose power and cancel my appt.,
or we have a "state of emergency" where the cops want people to stay off the roads unless it's an emregency, I will be having extra mammo pics taken of my right breast, sonagram on both sides now, and needle biopsy, if needed. Lovely. 4 years ago, when I had a scare after a routine mammo, it ruined my holidays. It played out for 7 weeks, with me not getting the good news until just a few days before Christmas. I backed my mammo up this time, but will NEVER do it in Oct. again. Breast cancer awareness month means I've been bombarded with it, constantly, right down to my daughter wearing pink stuff while cheerleading and the football players too. Is there EVER a good time for a breast cancer scare though? I think not. I've stayed relatively calm, because I don't think anything they've seen is super suspicious, but am definitely getting more nervous as the date gets closer and am not happy that they found anything, let alone, 2 things now, 1 of which the first place never mentioned. Enough of that.
I tried to make this blog a little more private but right away got facebook messages from friends that couldn't get on. I had to ask Phil Brabbs to remove our "myeloma Monday" bio from his blog because even though I had him take our last name off it some time ago, the photo, or something, was still causing it to come up in a search of Tim's name and that's not good for business. I am not real great with computers. I tried a new setting on my blog which says it will keep it from coming up in search engines. I dunno. I REALLY don't want to go private. My networking with other MM patients and caregivers has been a huge part of my coping system while dealing with all this the last 5 1/2 + years. I suppose I have shared some really personal things, but so have others, and it really is pretty cathartic for me.
Speaking of catharsis, it was just one year since Tim's family blow-up. Sad to me. His parents have come to a few of the games that Olivia cheered at. We are civil. But, they missed a year of their son's and granddaughter's life. I think all the time, "was it worth it?" To get such nasty things off your chest, to kick people who were already down, to have to hurt someone else to make you feel better than them, out of sheer self-esteem issues? Was it worth it? I thought Tim would soften over time. He hasn't. He, instead, realized how much stress his family caused in our lives and has seen the benefit of not having that stress anymore.He simply doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Ya know, there comes a time, unfortunately, in some relationships, when you realize that the bad outweighs the good by quite a margin. People RARELY change. You have to decide whether it's something you can cope with, or not, and just how much damage they're causing you. In this case, it was quite a lot. I've said it before, and the therapist that I no longer see is convinced of it; these people took themselves out of our lives because they did not want to deal with Tim's mm. Maybe it was a subconscious thing, and they didn't realize that's what they were doing, but it's what they did. I don't think they're liking "sleeping in the bed" they made for themselves, but, they should have thought about the consequences before they said the things they said. Some bells just can't be un-rung.
So, enough of that too. I'm hoping this week is not too damaging to our state and the people in it, and that my tests come out OK, and that I can get on with my life, once again. Back to the normal difficultness that it is. What can ya do? Gotta play the cards we're dealt, as Tim always says.
OOPS, I didn't even realize I had not updated on Tim's MRI of his neck. Well, the GOOD news is it is not the MM. I was afraid of a lesion or plasmacytoma. The bad news is he has some real orthopedic issues there, which include spinal stenosis, and neck pain may be a part of his life now, in addition to chronic back pain. We have to go see an orthopedist, but are getting my stuff out of the way first. His profession really beat the heck out of his body. May have even caused this MM too. Last night we saw our friend's brother at the football game. Tim did his wood floors a couple of summers ago. He is around 50 and retired from being a cop. I told Tim, he shoulda become a cop. I told him that 20-something years ago. It's a good gig. Retire by 50 or so, great benefits. Not saying it's without its faults, but overall, a pretty good gig in small suburban towns like the ones around here.
Fair warning: boob talk coming up. I have an appt. early Tues morning at HUMC's breast center. It's been an aggravating week of phone calls trying to get this all set up. They requested my mammo and sonagram from 10/8 and decided they see something in the right breast they want to check out too. Been having trouble getting my gynecologist's office to write up a script because they have 2 different places requesting different follow-up tests. So, unless they lose power and cancel my appt.,
or we have a "state of emergency" where the cops want people to stay off the roads unless it's an emregency, I will be having extra mammo pics taken of my right breast, sonagram on both sides now, and needle biopsy, if needed. Lovely. 4 years ago, when I had a scare after a routine mammo, it ruined my holidays. It played out for 7 weeks, with me not getting the good news until just a few days before Christmas. I backed my mammo up this time, but will NEVER do it in Oct. again. Breast cancer awareness month means I've been bombarded with it, constantly, right down to my daughter wearing pink stuff while cheerleading and the football players too. Is there EVER a good time for a breast cancer scare though? I think not. I've stayed relatively calm, because I don't think anything they've seen is super suspicious, but am definitely getting more nervous as the date gets closer and am not happy that they found anything, let alone, 2 things now, 1 of which the first place never mentioned. Enough of that.
I tried to make this blog a little more private but right away got facebook messages from friends that couldn't get on. I had to ask Phil Brabbs to remove our "myeloma Monday" bio from his blog because even though I had him take our last name off it some time ago, the photo, or something, was still causing it to come up in a search of Tim's name and that's not good for business. I am not real great with computers. I tried a new setting on my blog which says it will keep it from coming up in search engines. I dunno. I REALLY don't want to go private. My networking with other MM patients and caregivers has been a huge part of my coping system while dealing with all this the last 5 1/2 + years. I suppose I have shared some really personal things, but so have others, and it really is pretty cathartic for me.
Speaking of catharsis, it was just one year since Tim's family blow-up. Sad to me. His parents have come to a few of the games that Olivia cheered at. We are civil. But, they missed a year of their son's and granddaughter's life. I think all the time, "was it worth it?" To get such nasty things off your chest, to kick people who were already down, to have to hurt someone else to make you feel better than them, out of sheer self-esteem issues? Was it worth it? I thought Tim would soften over time. He hasn't. He, instead, realized how much stress his family caused in our lives and has seen the benefit of not having that stress anymore.He simply doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Ya know, there comes a time, unfortunately, in some relationships, when you realize that the bad outweighs the good by quite a margin. People RARELY change. You have to decide whether it's something you can cope with, or not, and just how much damage they're causing you. In this case, it was quite a lot. I've said it before, and the therapist that I no longer see is convinced of it; these people took themselves out of our lives because they did not want to deal with Tim's mm. Maybe it was a subconscious thing, and they didn't realize that's what they were doing, but it's what they did. I don't think they're liking "sleeping in the bed" they made for themselves, but, they should have thought about the consequences before they said the things they said. Some bells just can't be un-rung.
So, enough of that too. I'm hoping this week is not too damaging to our state and the people in it, and that my tests come out OK, and that I can get on with my life, once again. Back to the normal difficultness that it is. What can ya do? Gotta play the cards we're dealt, as Tim always says.
OOPS, I didn't even realize I had not updated on Tim's MRI of his neck. Well, the GOOD news is it is not the MM. I was afraid of a lesion or plasmacytoma. The bad news is he has some real orthopedic issues there, which include spinal stenosis, and neck pain may be a part of his life now, in addition to chronic back pain. We have to go see an orthopedist, but are getting my stuff out of the way first. His profession really beat the heck out of his body. May have even caused this MM too. Last night we saw our friend's brother at the football game. Tim did his wood floors a couple of summers ago. He is around 50 and retired from being a cop. I told Tim, he shoulda become a cop. I told him that 20-something years ago. It's a good gig. Retire by 50 or so, great benefits. Not saying it's without its faults, but overall, a pretty good gig in small suburban towns like the ones around here.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Blog help
Hey y'all,
I just found out last night that a decorator that refers Tim googled his name to get his phone number
and found my blog. She did not know about his MM before this. I have no idea how many times
this has happened, possibly costing him work, and don't know HOW it happened, since I don't use
our last name on my blog. I have not wanted to take the blog private because I don't want to lose
touch with anyone who reads/comments etc. I may have no choice. Anyone know how this could happen? And, if you come to check in and I've gone private, PLEASE apply to be a follower. I am
not a computer whiz and don't know how to set this up.
I just found out last night that a decorator that refers Tim googled his name to get his phone number
and found my blog. She did not know about his MM before this. I have no idea how many times
this has happened, possibly costing him work, and don't know HOW it happened, since I don't use
our last name on my blog. I have not wanted to take the blog private because I don't want to lose
touch with anyone who reads/comments etc. I may have no choice. Anyone know how this could happen? And, if you come to check in and I've gone private, PLEASE apply to be a follower. I am
not a computer whiz and don't know how to set this up.
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