Well, the only thing that doesn't change in life is that everything changes. My dad's life is unrecognizable from what it was less than 2 months ago. At times it's surreal. At other times, so much has happened since 9/2, it feels like a lifetime of stress and sadness has gone by. My dad has stage 4 squamous cell lung cancer. And, just when we thought we'd heard the worst, his lung cancer doctor sent him for an MRI of his brain, and, of course, they found it there too. 3 small spots. Oddly enough, the radiation oncologist that is going to do gamma knife radiation on him to try to get rid of those spots is a guy who used to sit in with my dad's poker group years ago.
I am stressed to the max. I spend all day at the cancer center with my dad on Tuesdays and then go back on Thursdays with Tim. Then, there are the other appointments my dad has too. It's crazy. I am also touring assisted living places because I really don't think we can keep this up without my parents moving closer to me and where he is being treated. He lost a lot of weight and strength from that long hospitalization and he is so depressed and worried, he is not doing his exercising. He is still using a walker and his clothes are literally falling off him.
The stress is affecting me, no doubt about it. And, as always, I am taking care of everyone but myself. I've said it before, I suck at self-care, and, yes, I know the whole thing, "I'm no good to anyone else if I get sick" and "put your oxygen mask on first so you can help others." Yep, I get it. Still suck at it though.
I am also still trying to rent my apartment. The market is flooded with rentals right now and I have turned down a few people too. I don't want to deal with issues. I will wait to find someone that doesn't come with problems. I just hope it's soon. Too bad it has stairs. I could put my parents there.
Oh and my kid called last night. There was another incident at her college that almost warranted another lock down. Some sketchy guy walked up to a female student asking where the most populated area of campus was and saying she would see the results of her "help" on facebook live later. WTF? And if that wasn't enough, one of the girls Liv was supposed to rent a house with next year, stalled off and they lost the house. The new house she's looking at with a few other girls appears to be right near two registered sex offenders, according to a list someone posted yesterday to warn people where not to trick or treat in NJ towns.
Did I mention I was stressed????!!!!
As Charlie Brown would say.........GOOD GRIEF.
Friday, October 27, 2017
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
I need a bigger fire extinguisher
I have often said that my life feels like a constant battle of putting out one fire just for another to crop right up. Well, these days, that theme keeps playing out over and over. So, last we knew, both my apartments were re-rented after 2 broken leases within just a few months of each other and I went right into my father going into the ER the exact day our new tenant moved in. Here we are, just over 3 weeks later. I had to fight to get my father moved to the hospital near me for better care. It was one hell of a battle. The doctors and staff at the first hospital were screwing up like crazy, even going back and forth telling him he had kidney cancer, he didn't, he might, he definitely didn't, and he probably does. ARE YOU KIDDING ME HERE??? As it turns out, he has squamous cell lung cancer. The freaking kidney doctor told him it was encapsulated and operable. A few days later, the oncologist came back after his own hernia surgery and told him it was incurable and would be treated with chemo or radiation. HUH? But, they still don't know what the deal is with the kidney and bone lesion. He either has renal cancer and lung cancer, or lung cancer that spread to the kidney and bone. Maybe.
On Friday, the 15th, I finally got him to Hackensack. I got the best doctors on his case and they came in on Monday to make a plan. They did a biopsy of his kidney and the spot on his lumbar spine the following day and I finally got him home the day after that, after 19 days of pure torture. He was playing 18 holes of golf just a few weeks before this happened. He is now so weak he is using a walker. He's also devastated and depressed. My mom's memory issues are worse than ever with the stress and we took her car keys from her, something that should have been done 5 years ago. So, on top of what my dad is going through, my mother is fighting with him.
I stayed at my parents for a few days to take care of them and do some cooking and cleaning up around there. I came home last Friday night and decided to take in our high school football game the next afternoon to try to relax. Our new tenant is a guidance counselor and asst. football coach at the high school. As I am walking into the game, I get a text from our downstairs tenant. There is a dog wailing and screaming in the other apartment. Apparently, new tenant doesn't give a crap about our rules, his parents come out to visit from Long Island and leave their dog in the apartment. I go home, get the keys and a leash, get the dog out to stop whatever peeing and damage it might be doing, and evict the tenant. He calls a few hours later when he gets the messages I left, furious at ME for opening his apartment door. I tell him, don't you dare turn this around on me. He claims (LIES) that his parents dropped the dog off without his knowledge. I call bullshit and tell him he's out by the 30th. His family causes a huge scene in front of my rental, which has my other tenant petrified and about to call the cops. Then he and his friend or brother come to my house and cause another scene here. I tell him there is nothing to talk about, pack your shit and GET OUT. I am done taking shit from tenants. JUST DONE.
On top of this, for the first time, Tim's numbers did not go down from his Velcade cycle. So, I am worried sick about that. Then, we had to drive down to Liv's college to tell her in person about my dad because we were supposed to take a trip to Vermont in 3 weeks to visit her buddy at UVM, like we did last year, and I had to tell her it might be off. Of course, with all the stress, my IBS is insane and I am constantly running to the bathroom or unable to eat if I have to go anywhere. In two days, I go with my dad to the kidney surgeon and find out the results from the biopsies. My dad is beside himself with fear and grief. I don't know what to do with my mother. We do not want her in the room with us. She cannot be left alone in a waiting room. She could get up and leave. She will be furious if we leave her home.
Honestly, it's all just too much. We have not found a new employee for Tim's business. Interviewed one kid and after asking Liv if she knew him, found out he was a druggie.
Basically, there are worries in every single sector of our lives, BIG ones. I've just had it. Tim was hopped up on dex on Saturday when this whole scene happened with the tenant and was ready to get in a fist fight with him. I had to force him to leave before the tenant got back there. Luckily, he had something he had to do for work right then, because when he came home later and found out what happened, well, I know we'd be looking at an assault charge right now if he'd been there.
Frankly, I just want to run away. :o(
On Friday, the 15th, I finally got him to Hackensack. I got the best doctors on his case and they came in on Monday to make a plan. They did a biopsy of his kidney and the spot on his lumbar spine the following day and I finally got him home the day after that, after 19 days of pure torture. He was playing 18 holes of golf just a few weeks before this happened. He is now so weak he is using a walker. He's also devastated and depressed. My mom's memory issues are worse than ever with the stress and we took her car keys from her, something that should have been done 5 years ago. So, on top of what my dad is going through, my mother is fighting with him.
I stayed at my parents for a few days to take care of them and do some cooking and cleaning up around there. I came home last Friday night and decided to take in our high school football game the next afternoon to try to relax. Our new tenant is a guidance counselor and asst. football coach at the high school. As I am walking into the game, I get a text from our downstairs tenant. There is a dog wailing and screaming in the other apartment. Apparently, new tenant doesn't give a crap about our rules, his parents come out to visit from Long Island and leave their dog in the apartment. I go home, get the keys and a leash, get the dog out to stop whatever peeing and damage it might be doing, and evict the tenant. He calls a few hours later when he gets the messages I left, furious at ME for opening his apartment door. I tell him, don't you dare turn this around on me. He claims (LIES) that his parents dropped the dog off without his knowledge. I call bullshit and tell him he's out by the 30th. His family causes a huge scene in front of my rental, which has my other tenant petrified and about to call the cops. Then he and his friend or brother come to my house and cause another scene here. I tell him there is nothing to talk about, pack your shit and GET OUT. I am done taking shit from tenants. JUST DONE.
On top of this, for the first time, Tim's numbers did not go down from his Velcade cycle. So, I am worried sick about that. Then, we had to drive down to Liv's college to tell her in person about my dad because we were supposed to take a trip to Vermont in 3 weeks to visit her buddy at UVM, like we did last year, and I had to tell her it might be off. Of course, with all the stress, my IBS is insane and I am constantly running to the bathroom or unable to eat if I have to go anywhere. In two days, I go with my dad to the kidney surgeon and find out the results from the biopsies. My dad is beside himself with fear and grief. I don't know what to do with my mother. We do not want her in the room with us. She cannot be left alone in a waiting room. She could get up and leave. She will be furious if we leave her home.
Honestly, it's all just too much. We have not found a new employee for Tim's business. Interviewed one kid and after asking Liv if she knew him, found out he was a druggie.
Basically, there are worries in every single sector of our lives, BIG ones. I've just had it. Tim was hopped up on dex on Saturday when this whole scene happened with the tenant and was ready to get in a fist fight with him. I had to force him to leave before the tenant got back there. Luckily, he had something he had to do for work right then, because when he came home later and found out what happened, well, I know we'd be looking at an assault charge right now if he'd been there.
Frankly, I just want to run away. :o(
Friday, September 8, 2017
I CAN'T EVEN..................................
In the last 4 months, I turned over both apartments in our 2-family, both due to broken leases. Buying a 2 family home for a future investment seemed like a good idea at the time. Not sure it was and Tim being diagnosed with MM 13 days later???? Um, yeah, not such a good idea, for sure. I've had tons of turnover. Luckily, we made this place beautiful so both apartments rent fast, BUT, I'm sick of all the work and stress of it. So, I turn over the big one the week we are moving Liv back home from college and turn over the 2nd floor one a day after we moved her back last week. The guy moved in on Saturday, after Tim and I put some finishing touches on the place. Then, we showered and ran back down to Monmouth University to see the first football game in the new stadium. Liv works for the athletic department and was selling programs when we got there. Halfway through the game, I had to go to our truck and lie down. I didn't feel well. Coulda been the hot dog, could be the recent adjustment in blood pressure meds, could be all the stress I've been under lately. Who knows. After the game, we drop off a few things in Liv's dorm room and hit the road about 7:30 in the rain. We are just exhausted, hungry, and I just want to go to bed. My cell rings. It's my dad, asking where we are. I tell him, "on the parkway." He says, "what exit" and I know something is wrong. I ask what's going on and he tells me he thinks he's got a kidney stone and is having my mom drive him to the hospital. We change our route and go out toward their area and find the hospital. So, what looked like a kidney stone or UTI, turns out to be advanced kidney cancer. The man was just playing golf a few weeks ago. They see a mass on his lung and some questionable areas on his bones. His left kidney needs to be removed.
I cannot even tell you all that's happened since then. But, I am bereft. My mom has moderate dementia and needs care also and is so afraid and confused. AND, they decided to do a lung biopsy before the kidney surgery and caused a pneumothorax that now has a chest tube in his side and rendered him unfit for surgery. They did not need this biopsy done prior to the kidney removal but, they did it anyway and now my dad is too compromised to get this kidney out. I am petrified of him getting pneumonia or a blood clot. He has been immobile for a week now.
He just re-did their wills and health care proxies and such, appointing me the caretaker of it all because my older sister moved out of state.
I CAN'T EVEN........................................
I cannot even tell you all that's happened since then. But, I am bereft. My mom has moderate dementia and needs care also and is so afraid and confused. AND, they decided to do a lung biopsy before the kidney surgery and caused a pneumothorax that now has a chest tube in his side and rendered him unfit for surgery. They did not need this biopsy done prior to the kidney removal but, they did it anyway and now my dad is too compromised to get this kidney out. I am petrified of him getting pneumonia or a blood clot. He has been immobile for a week now.
He just re-did their wills and health care proxies and such, appointing me the caretaker of it all because my older sister moved out of state.
I CAN'T EVEN........................................
Sunday, July 9, 2017
It is not A TUMOR (said in Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice)
So, thanks to the July 4th holiday, we got Tim's pathology report a week later than we would have, as I may have mentioned would happen in the last post. Actually, it was a tumor, but, it is something that has been reclassified in recent years as not being a cancer. It's this: "A noninvasive follicular thyroid neoplasm with papillary-like nuclear features, or Niftp, a type of tumor that was previously considered a kind of cancer, but has been downgraded by a panel of doctors." Tim's surgeon told us at the first appointment that Tim either had this or thyroid cancer. Thankfully, it was this NIFTP. He will be monitored for his thyroid hormone levels to see if he needs supplementation and have occasional sonagrams on the other side of his thyroid gland to monitor the tiny nodule that is there, but he does not need to go in and get the other side removed or be treated with radioactive iodine. SOOOO. we exhale that we don't have to get all up to speed on another cancer to treat and survive. His doctor said that they used to treat this like a cancer but the doctors realized it did not act like a cancer so it has been reclassified. It's kind of like when a woman has DCIS of the breast. They take it out, but, it's not really a cancer at that point.
Of course, we had to make it interesting somewhere along the line, didn't we? The nurse who went to start Tim's IV before surgery missed the vein in his hand. Not sure how she managed that, because Ray Charles could start an IV with Tim's veins. BUT, she did. So the anesthesiologist took a huge bore IV, which the nurse exclaimed about, and saying, "he's a big guy, he can take it" he shoved the thing into the vein in Tim's other hand. Well, he was wrong. Tim's wrist and hand has hurt ever since. The pain went up his forearm within a few days. We mentioned it to the nurse who removed his stitches and she told him to use warm compresses but he never did. We got home from vacation and Tim noticed the vein in the top of his hand was hard and still hurt. SO, not even home 24 hours and we were off to the doctor. Turns out he developed phlebitis from the trauma of the IV and the doc said he probably formed scarring and clotting in his vein there. So, NOW, he is doing the warm compresses. UGH. I am trying to look on the bright side, he avoided the cancer, but, this guy had no good reason to shove a railroad spike up his vein instead of a normal sized IV and Tim paid the price.
So, that's the update from here. Hoping the rest of our summer goes smoothly. Preparing to tell our daughter what's going on with his MM though, so I am dreading that like the plague. I don't like this myeloma bullshit. I just don't.
Of course, we had to make it interesting somewhere along the line, didn't we? The nurse who went to start Tim's IV before surgery missed the vein in his hand. Not sure how she managed that, because Ray Charles could start an IV with Tim's veins. BUT, she did. So the anesthesiologist took a huge bore IV, which the nurse exclaimed about, and saying, "he's a big guy, he can take it" he shoved the thing into the vein in Tim's other hand. Well, he was wrong. Tim's wrist and hand has hurt ever since. The pain went up his forearm within a few days. We mentioned it to the nurse who removed his stitches and she told him to use warm compresses but he never did. We got home from vacation and Tim noticed the vein in the top of his hand was hard and still hurt. SO, not even home 24 hours and we were off to the doctor. Turns out he developed phlebitis from the trauma of the IV and the doc said he probably formed scarring and clotting in his vein there. So, NOW, he is doing the warm compresses. UGH. I am trying to look on the bright side, he avoided the cancer, but, this guy had no good reason to shove a railroad spike up his vein instead of a normal sized IV and Tim paid the price.
So, that's the update from here. Hoping the rest of our summer goes smoothly. Preparing to tell our daughter what's going on with his MM though, so I am dreading that like the plague. I don't like this myeloma bullshit. I just don't.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Thyroid lobectomy.........CHECK.
Well, I can't see this as a bucket list item, but, it is scratched off nonetheless. Tim's surgery went very well. I LOVE this surgeon. He is not only a fantastic doctor, but also a really nice man. So great when those two things collide. Tim did great and the day went like a well-oiled machine. My older sister, Lori, flew all night from a business trip, starting in Billings, Montana, going to Seattle, and then getting a direct flight from there to Newark and arrived by 7 am. She rented a car and got a hotel room within a mile of the hospital. My younger sister, Cathy, drove down from NY state and dropped her 2 kiddos at the hotel to swim and such with Lori. When Tim and I got into the parking garage, there was Cathy, walking around lost, trying to find the signs for the medical plaza elevators so I opened the window and said, "jump in." She turned around and relief flooded her face to see us. We parked and got to the surgical floor on time. The doctor ran a bit late due to having to finish up his morning office visits, but Tim went into surgery at 12:45. The anesthesiologist was SO nice and upbeat. What a personality and so great that he tries to put people at ease with it. We were told that removing one side of the thyroid would be about 90 minutes and if the frozen section test revealed cancer, the whole thing would be removed, including the parathyroid, and take about 2 and 1/2 to 3 hours. After an hour and 45 minutes, I saw on the monitor in the waiting room that Tim's case number had been moved to post-op. I was hopeful that this meant he was only losing half this thyroid and we were going home instead of being hospitalized overnight. I was right. The anesthesiologist came out first, said everything went fantastic and he woke up beautifully from anesthesia. The doctor came out a bit later, said he saw nothing suspicious and the frozen section revealed the same atypical cells seen in the biopsy but no obvious cancer. We still have to wait for the full pathology report though, before this is a done deal. Actually, it won't be completely done. He will have to have sonograms on the nodule on the other side from time to time and be monitored for his thyroid levels by an endocrinologist. But, this was the best case scenario we could have had yesterday, so, we'll take it. I decided to distract myself by teaching Cathy how to crochet while we waited. I learned a few months ago and LOVE it. Well, so far, she sucks at it, but we had a lot of laughs and she sees how relaxing and fun it is so I sent her off with a new skein of yard and crochet hook and she will you-tube herself to success. Tim did well in recovery. Wish I knew about this doc when I had my sphenoid sinus surgery 2 and 1/2 years ago. We hauled into Mt. Sinai for mine and this guy coulda done it. Tim had his own nurse throughout the first stage of recovery. She sat there, with a computer, and monitored only him for an hour and a half. Freaking awesome. Then, he went back into the pre-op area for the next stage of recovery and I got to stay with him. He ate and drank a bit, had to prove he could pee before he left, and then it was IV out, get him dressed, and bring my guy home. Cathy and Lori spent the night with the kids at the hotel so Cathy could avoid a very trafficky ride home on a Friday night. Lori will get to see my parents, who just got home from a trip to Maine yesterday, and us, before she flies back to her home in VT tomorrow. Of course, Tim's entire family was MIA, as they always are. But, I refused to be petty. I called his parents in VT and kept them posted along the way, even had Tim call his mother last night so she could hear his voice. These people have been so awful to me, to us, but, I am, at my core, a deeply compassionate person and cannot help but put myself in other people's shoes and feel empathy for them. Someone has to take the high road here and try to do the right thing, and after 32 years of knowing his family, you can bet it won't be any of them. Somehow, it just feels better doing the right thing, even when so many others are doing the wrong things. I gotta be me.
But, the important part is, we made it through this. I pray the pathology comes out OK and we don't have to do a round 2 of surgery. My guy is off work for 2 weeks now, though you're never off with your own business. He has estimates and phone calls to do, etc. But, I will force him to get some R & R and a 6 day trip to Cape May starting next Sunday will be just what the doctor ordered. It was the right thing to get this done before our trip and get it off our minds. We were convinced this was gonna be thyroid cancer, so, hopefully it's not and we can enjoy our trip more without the surgery hanging over our heads.
So, that's the scoop. Moving onward!!
Thanks for the support.
Onto summer 2017!!!
But, the important part is, we made it through this. I pray the pathology comes out OK and we don't have to do a round 2 of surgery. My guy is off work for 2 weeks now, though you're never off with your own business. He has estimates and phone calls to do, etc. But, I will force him to get some R & R and a 6 day trip to Cape May starting next Sunday will be just what the doctor ordered. It was the right thing to get this done before our trip and get it off our minds. We were convinced this was gonna be thyroid cancer, so, hopefully it's not and we can enjoy our trip more without the surgery hanging over our heads.
So, that's the scoop. Moving onward!!
Thanks for the support.
Onto summer 2017!!!
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Getting down to the wire
In two days, Tim has his surgery. We met with the surgeon for one last test on Monday. I really like him. He is so calm and confident, just what you want in a surgeon, any doctor really. He makes sure we have all our questions answered and, as we left, he said, "don't worry, I'm going to take good care of you." Tim seems pretty calm. I know he will be nervous on Friday, but, he's talked to quite a few people who've had this done and he feels pretty confident. Sadly, he also feels pretty confident that this is thyroid cancer. It's strange living in our world. MM is such a main focus and such a formidable opponent that things like this get pushed down the scale of impact/importance. If we were not already living in the cancer world for over 10 years, this thing with his thyroid might be awful to us. Now, granted, we are not thrilled here, but, everything gets measured against the MM ruler and most things fall short of topping that. Hopefully, this will be taken care of and we won't have to deal with it again.
We have a very small support system in place. My youngest sister will be with us in the hospital and my older sister changed her flights home from a business trip and will be watching the younger one's two kids at a nearby hotel and then they will switch off later with my one sis staying overnight at the hotel with her kiddos to avoid a miserable drive home on Friday night and my older one set to stay at our house with Liv if Tim needs to stay overnight instead of getting out the same day. I plan to stay with him overnight in that case. Liv is old enough to stay alone, but, I just didn't want her to on a night when her dad and mom are in a hospital. She is going to work that day. I gave her a choice but she feels she'd rather be distracted at work instead of sitting in a hospital all nervous and I am glad she chose that. I will call her as soon as he's out of surgery.
There were a few comments to my last post about Tim's family. Similar to what is seen on the MM facebook sites, there is never a shortage of people who found out their friends and family would not be there for them when the chips were down. It's so hard to deal with such huge disappointments in life. My past is full of them. And, sadly, they don't seem to stop. It's better now though, because I have been very choosy about who I let into my inner circle.
I recently read a story that really taught me something. I've always said, "actions speak louder than words" and if you really want to see who someone is, watch what they do, not what they say. It's just so true. I've been bamboozled by some really talented liars and self-promoters. Their actions eventually told the real story. But here's what this story said; pay close attention to what people DON'T say and do. Many times, therein lies the answer you're looking for.
I can't recall if this was written by an attorney or a policeman, but he had been taught by an investigator to listen to what's not said. He told of a case he was involved in where a man was being tried for murdering a woman but her body had not been found. His defense attorney, in his closing argument, was trying to convince the jurors that they had to have reasonable doubt in their minds that this woman could still be alive and if they did, they could not possibly convict the man. He said to them that in 10 minutes, she was going to walk through that door. When the jurors watched the door, he said he proved his point. If they were so sure she was dead, they would not have thought there was a chance she would come through the door. It was a pretty convincing ploy. When the jury came back after deciding the fate of this man, the verdict was guilty. It turns out, there was one juror who didn't watch the door, he watched the defendant, who never once even glanced at the door, but stared at his hands on the desk in front of him, or something to that effect. That juror realized that that man knew she was dead and not coming through that door.
So, in addition to watching people's actions, I am also going to take note of their inactions more than I used to. This story made me realize that there were times I did not pay enough attention to the things people didn't say. Even when their lack of saying things sent up a red flag with me, I did not give it the importance I should have. I suppose silence actually can speak volumes.
Will be back here with an update after Tim's surgery. Wish us luck!!!
We have a very small support system in place. My youngest sister will be with us in the hospital and my older sister changed her flights home from a business trip and will be watching the younger one's two kids at a nearby hotel and then they will switch off later with my one sis staying overnight at the hotel with her kiddos to avoid a miserable drive home on Friday night and my older one set to stay at our house with Liv if Tim needs to stay overnight instead of getting out the same day. I plan to stay with him overnight in that case. Liv is old enough to stay alone, but, I just didn't want her to on a night when her dad and mom are in a hospital. She is going to work that day. I gave her a choice but she feels she'd rather be distracted at work instead of sitting in a hospital all nervous and I am glad she chose that. I will call her as soon as he's out of surgery.
There were a few comments to my last post about Tim's family. Similar to what is seen on the MM facebook sites, there is never a shortage of people who found out their friends and family would not be there for them when the chips were down. It's so hard to deal with such huge disappointments in life. My past is full of them. And, sadly, they don't seem to stop. It's better now though, because I have been very choosy about who I let into my inner circle.
I recently read a story that really taught me something. I've always said, "actions speak louder than words" and if you really want to see who someone is, watch what they do, not what they say. It's just so true. I've been bamboozled by some really talented liars and self-promoters. Their actions eventually told the real story. But here's what this story said; pay close attention to what people DON'T say and do. Many times, therein lies the answer you're looking for.
I can't recall if this was written by an attorney or a policeman, but he had been taught by an investigator to listen to what's not said. He told of a case he was involved in where a man was being tried for murdering a woman but her body had not been found. His defense attorney, in his closing argument, was trying to convince the jurors that they had to have reasonable doubt in their minds that this woman could still be alive and if they did, they could not possibly convict the man. He said to them that in 10 minutes, she was going to walk through that door. When the jurors watched the door, he said he proved his point. If they were so sure she was dead, they would not have thought there was a chance she would come through the door. It was a pretty convincing ploy. When the jury came back after deciding the fate of this man, the verdict was guilty. It turns out, there was one juror who didn't watch the door, he watched the defendant, who never once even glanced at the door, but stared at his hands on the desk in front of him, or something to that effect. That juror realized that that man knew she was dead and not coming through that door.
So, in addition to watching people's actions, I am also going to take note of their inactions more than I used to. This story made me realize that there were times I did not pay enough attention to the things people didn't say. Even when their lack of saying things sent up a red flag with me, I did not give it the importance I should have. I suppose silence actually can speak volumes.
Will be back here with an update after Tim's surgery. Wish us luck!!!
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Life's too short
However, this post is not, so, my apologies for the novel I'm about to write.
Any of you who've been following my blog for any length of time know that we are pretty much estranged from Tim's family, for good reason, I might add. We do not talk to his brother and his wife at all. His wife is at the bottom of a lot of what tore this family apart and his brother did nothing to stop her. Then again, he is no prize himself and is just as much to blame for a lot of it too. We are civil to his sister and her husband but rarely see or talk to them. His sister is a pathological liar who played a big role in all this too. Tim talks to his parents to update them after doctor visits and on birthdays and such. I maintain civility with them really only for his sake and Olivia's. I put on a good act despite how hard it is. I am VERY angry at these people. Besides what they've done to me, they screwed over my husband and my kid. We do not spend holidays with any of them anymore, or go on vacations to his parents' Vermont house anymore. We are out of his family. On the rare occasions we see the nieces and nephews, we are fine with them. They didn't cause this mess.
Before I go on, I want to say, if you know someone who is estranged from family, PLEASE, please do not throw the "guilt grenade" in their lap by saying, "life's too short" implying that they should get over it and mend fences 'cause what if someone dies, or whatever. You just can't know all that has happened. I can tell you, from experience, that these comments are hurtful and it's just wrong to put the onus on the victims of things you cannot possibly know. Trust me, I can tell people just one story about what's been done to us by the people in Tim's family and they change their tune really quickly then. Usually their mouths are hanging open in shock, and forget getting into the things Tim dealt with as a child. And you do not need to tell us, people whose lives were invaded by myeloma in their early 40's, that life is too short. WE KNOW.
So, let me set the stage here, as briefly as I can, because it's still hard to get the whole idea without ALL the backround. 10 years ago, Tim was diagnosed with MM in March. His parents went to their VT house in May, as usual, and they generally stayed until September or October. My family was all we had to rely on whilst we went through this nightmare. Our daughter had to be babysat every time Tim had an appointment. He was getting ready for an auto transplant and my mom was driving back and forth, 45 minutes each way, to watch her for all his appointments and tests. Tim's parents live only 3 miles from us. When he was going to have his hickman catheter placed, under anesthesia, and 4 days of super high dose chemo to start mobilizing his stem cells, his mother said they would come home to be there for that and help out with Olivia. Well, they changed their minds, never told us either, just never showed up. It wound up being the week his brother and sister's families were going up there for vacation, but, it's not like this was the first time that ever happened, and, at the very least, they could have called and asked if we needed them or told us they weren't coming. They just never showed up and we had to rely on my family again and Tim and I went to the hospital alone. He was in so much pain after the procedure and I didn't even have anyone to sit with him while I got the car. Here we were walking through the parking garage, him miserable and spaced out on pain meds and not one person in his family was within 350 miles of us. My husband felt embarrassed that his family was doing nothing and my family had to keep helping out. What choice did we have? People who found out he'd been diagnosed with cancer sometimes said to him, "oh, I'm sure your family is doing a lot to help out" and he would just kind of let that pass without commenting because, no, they weren't. They weren't helping at all.
Now, there is an awful lot that went on in between, including a fight in Oct. of 2011 that ended our relationship with his family as we'd known it, but, here we are, 10 years later, and Tim needs to have thyroid surgery in a few weeks. His mother knew he had an appointment with a surgeon to get the final word on that but went weeks without even calling to see how it went. Tim was thinking about not even telling them about the surgery. Just how many times are his parents going to treat him like he doesn't matter? Now, in the past, when Tim's sister had DCIS and had a breast removed, his parents were there for everything. And, 8 years ago, when his brother had his thyroid removed, they stayed home from VT to be there. Frankly, I think we both were a little afraid of what they would decide to do now. It was like bracing for another slap in the face. A few days ago, Tim decided to do the right thing and so he called to tell his parents about the surgery. If we kept it from them, obviously it would create more hard feelings as they would know we did it on purpose. His mother was noncommittal when he told her. They were leaving for VT 2 days later. The next day, Tim called her from his cell on the way home from his oncology visit to update her on the results of his last cycle. She then told him, after discussing it with his father since the phone call the previous day, that they would keep in touch with me via phone the day of his surgery, meaning, they aren't going to bother coming home to be there for him. I am stunned. These people who claim to be so upset over the estrangement from Tim, don't care to even be here while he has surgery. So, after a day of talking this out with him, my sister, and a buddy, here is my take: 1. his parents always bring stress and aggravation to any situation they are involved in, so, I think Tim and I are both better off not having them there and 2. we did not need more proof that we did the right thing by getting these selfish, toxic people out of our lives, we've had tons of instances to prove that, but this is one more reason why there is no going back and we will not have these awful people in our inner circle ever again. It saddens me, Tim is a wonderful person, a good son and brother. He deserved better than the jerks he was dealt for family members This is just one more time his family has proven to us that, unless we played the game by their rules, which was putting up with the lies, backstabbing, name-calling, disrespect, bullying, fighting, etc. we were not part of their family.
We had enough respect for ourselves to know we deserved better and got out. Oh, and as is par for the course with people like this, they took no responsibility for anything they did to us and blame us for the rift now. In their small minds, and I've had this said right to me, "you take this, because it's family." Well, to me, that's not family at all and we were sick and tired of taking it.
So, for those of you who think foolish pride is always behind family spats, you're wrong. This was not pride that made us separate ourselves from them. This was a quality of life issue. This was to protect our daughter from nastiness and behaviors that were harmful and traumatizing for her to witness. This was after years and years of watching members of his family ruin important milestones in our lives, as well as holidays and vacations. This was 3 people who were living a nightmare called myeloma, and who then saw their own family members add to the crippling grief they were already experiencing with more grief, heartache, and aggravation. Life is too short is right. But for us, that meant that when 2 specialists tell you that you have a very limited amount of holidays, vacations, and milestones left together, you realize that you can no longer tolerate them being ruined by some world class jerks when you're trying to make family memories for your child. Life is too short to spend it with people who make you miserable and ruin those life minutes for you.
This weekend, I explained to our daughter this latest event with her grandparents. I do not keep her from having a relationship with them and always stress that none of this has anything to do with her. But, she is 19 and she was going to notice that they aren't there in a few weeks and I want Tim to feel all the support he can get from the few of us that are here for him. I told her, for the umpteenth time, don't make the same mistake I made so many times in my life. When someone shows you they are not your friend, move on. I spent years being a great friend to several people, Tim's sister in law was one of them, who were not true friends to me. When my life got difficult, they were gone. Giving the benefit of the doubt too many times translates into you getting screwed by the same people over and over. People show you who they are quite effectively. I wish I had enough self respect then to kick these people to the curb and use that time to foster friendships with people who knew how to be a friend back. I've said it many times, this is a lesson I so wish I'd learned many years earlier. I will not make the mistake of giving these jerks in Tim's family any more chances. They've blown them all. If you've got true friends in your life, or a family that is there for you through thick and thin, be grateful. Nobody gets through this kind of thing alone. And, if you've got people in your life making you miserable, think about rectifying that, and if you already have, do NOT feel guilty. Do not wear the shame that belongs to others. It's theirs to own, whether they admit it or not.
Life has a way of piling on you. Fate, health issues, and toxic people keep adding to that pile and smothering the joy out of you. You owe it to yourself to be in your own corner and not jump right on top of the pile too. Get out from under it and leave it behind, the things you can anyway.
Nowhere to go but forward.
Any of you who've been following my blog for any length of time know that we are pretty much estranged from Tim's family, for good reason, I might add. We do not talk to his brother and his wife at all. His wife is at the bottom of a lot of what tore this family apart and his brother did nothing to stop her. Then again, he is no prize himself and is just as much to blame for a lot of it too. We are civil to his sister and her husband but rarely see or talk to them. His sister is a pathological liar who played a big role in all this too. Tim talks to his parents to update them after doctor visits and on birthdays and such. I maintain civility with them really only for his sake and Olivia's. I put on a good act despite how hard it is. I am VERY angry at these people. Besides what they've done to me, they screwed over my husband and my kid. We do not spend holidays with any of them anymore, or go on vacations to his parents' Vermont house anymore. We are out of his family. On the rare occasions we see the nieces and nephews, we are fine with them. They didn't cause this mess.
Before I go on, I want to say, if you know someone who is estranged from family, PLEASE, please do not throw the "guilt grenade" in their lap by saying, "life's too short" implying that they should get over it and mend fences 'cause what if someone dies, or whatever. You just can't know all that has happened. I can tell you, from experience, that these comments are hurtful and it's just wrong to put the onus on the victims of things you cannot possibly know. Trust me, I can tell people just one story about what's been done to us by the people in Tim's family and they change their tune really quickly then. Usually their mouths are hanging open in shock, and forget getting into the things Tim dealt with as a child. And you do not need to tell us, people whose lives were invaded by myeloma in their early 40's, that life is too short. WE KNOW.
So, let me set the stage here, as briefly as I can, because it's still hard to get the whole idea without ALL the backround. 10 years ago, Tim was diagnosed with MM in March. His parents went to their VT house in May, as usual, and they generally stayed until September or October. My family was all we had to rely on whilst we went through this nightmare. Our daughter had to be babysat every time Tim had an appointment. He was getting ready for an auto transplant and my mom was driving back and forth, 45 minutes each way, to watch her for all his appointments and tests. Tim's parents live only 3 miles from us. When he was going to have his hickman catheter placed, under anesthesia, and 4 days of super high dose chemo to start mobilizing his stem cells, his mother said they would come home to be there for that and help out with Olivia. Well, they changed their minds, never told us either, just never showed up. It wound up being the week his brother and sister's families were going up there for vacation, but, it's not like this was the first time that ever happened, and, at the very least, they could have called and asked if we needed them or told us they weren't coming. They just never showed up and we had to rely on my family again and Tim and I went to the hospital alone. He was in so much pain after the procedure and I didn't even have anyone to sit with him while I got the car. Here we were walking through the parking garage, him miserable and spaced out on pain meds and not one person in his family was within 350 miles of us. My husband felt embarrassed that his family was doing nothing and my family had to keep helping out. What choice did we have? People who found out he'd been diagnosed with cancer sometimes said to him, "oh, I'm sure your family is doing a lot to help out" and he would just kind of let that pass without commenting because, no, they weren't. They weren't helping at all.
Now, there is an awful lot that went on in between, including a fight in Oct. of 2011 that ended our relationship with his family as we'd known it, but, here we are, 10 years later, and Tim needs to have thyroid surgery in a few weeks. His mother knew he had an appointment with a surgeon to get the final word on that but went weeks without even calling to see how it went. Tim was thinking about not even telling them about the surgery. Just how many times are his parents going to treat him like he doesn't matter? Now, in the past, when Tim's sister had DCIS and had a breast removed, his parents were there for everything. And, 8 years ago, when his brother had his thyroid removed, they stayed home from VT to be there. Frankly, I think we both were a little afraid of what they would decide to do now. It was like bracing for another slap in the face. A few days ago, Tim decided to do the right thing and so he called to tell his parents about the surgery. If we kept it from them, obviously it would create more hard feelings as they would know we did it on purpose. His mother was noncommittal when he told her. They were leaving for VT 2 days later. The next day, Tim called her from his cell on the way home from his oncology visit to update her on the results of his last cycle. She then told him, after discussing it with his father since the phone call the previous day, that they would keep in touch with me via phone the day of his surgery, meaning, they aren't going to bother coming home to be there for him. I am stunned. These people who claim to be so upset over the estrangement from Tim, don't care to even be here while he has surgery. So, after a day of talking this out with him, my sister, and a buddy, here is my take: 1. his parents always bring stress and aggravation to any situation they are involved in, so, I think Tim and I are both better off not having them there and 2. we did not need more proof that we did the right thing by getting these selfish, toxic people out of our lives, we've had tons of instances to prove that, but this is one more reason why there is no going back and we will not have these awful people in our inner circle ever again. It saddens me, Tim is a wonderful person, a good son and brother. He deserved better than the jerks he was dealt for family members This is just one more time his family has proven to us that, unless we played the game by their rules, which was putting up with the lies, backstabbing, name-calling, disrespect, bullying, fighting, etc. we were not part of their family.
We had enough respect for ourselves to know we deserved better and got out. Oh, and as is par for the course with people like this, they took no responsibility for anything they did to us and blame us for the rift now. In their small minds, and I've had this said right to me, "you take this, because it's family." Well, to me, that's not family at all and we were sick and tired of taking it.
So, for those of you who think foolish pride is always behind family spats, you're wrong. This was not pride that made us separate ourselves from them. This was a quality of life issue. This was to protect our daughter from nastiness and behaviors that were harmful and traumatizing for her to witness. This was after years and years of watching members of his family ruin important milestones in our lives, as well as holidays and vacations. This was 3 people who were living a nightmare called myeloma, and who then saw their own family members add to the crippling grief they were already experiencing with more grief, heartache, and aggravation. Life is too short is right. But for us, that meant that when 2 specialists tell you that you have a very limited amount of holidays, vacations, and milestones left together, you realize that you can no longer tolerate them being ruined by some world class jerks when you're trying to make family memories for your child. Life is too short to spend it with people who make you miserable and ruin those life minutes for you.
This weekend, I explained to our daughter this latest event with her grandparents. I do not keep her from having a relationship with them and always stress that none of this has anything to do with her. But, she is 19 and she was going to notice that they aren't there in a few weeks and I want Tim to feel all the support he can get from the few of us that are here for him. I told her, for the umpteenth time, don't make the same mistake I made so many times in my life. When someone shows you they are not your friend, move on. I spent years being a great friend to several people, Tim's sister in law was one of them, who were not true friends to me. When my life got difficult, they were gone. Giving the benefit of the doubt too many times translates into you getting screwed by the same people over and over. People show you who they are quite effectively. I wish I had enough self respect then to kick these people to the curb and use that time to foster friendships with people who knew how to be a friend back. I've said it many times, this is a lesson I so wish I'd learned many years earlier. I will not make the mistake of giving these jerks in Tim's family any more chances. They've blown them all. If you've got true friends in your life, or a family that is there for you through thick and thin, be grateful. Nobody gets through this kind of thing alone. And, if you've got people in your life making you miserable, think about rectifying that, and if you already have, do NOT feel guilty. Do not wear the shame that belongs to others. It's theirs to own, whether they admit it or not.
Life has a way of piling on you. Fate, health issues, and toxic people keep adding to that pile and smothering the joy out of you. You owe it to yourself to be in your own corner and not jump right on top of the pile too. Get out from under it and leave it behind, the things you can anyway.
Nowhere to go but forward.
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