Well, I've said it before. My life is a roller coaster. I just found out last night from a recorded
message(more on that later) that a spot of "higher density" was found in my left breast on
my mammogram. I don't know what to say. I have to go for a sonagram and MRI now and
FEAR is overtaking me. I got on the phone and called my sisters, mom and mother-in-law.
This news was a toxin I just had to get out of me. How could this be happening to us? WHY?!
I actually skipped having a mammo last year as the new place I had to go to did not have the
digital machines up and running yet. Instead of calling back after the holidays, I put it off as
Tim had to go back on chemo and I had had a mammo just 1 or 2 years before and another
a few years before that in '02. I have been feeling some soreness in that breast as well as
some pelvic and low back pain so I had the sonagram to check all that out and scheduled the
mammogram on the same day. To say I just can't cut a break just doesn't even describe the
things that have happened to me in my life. I don't even have the energy to explain. Everyone
tells me "don't go there" when I say that it would be just my luck that it's cancer but how do
you not "go there"? God cannot be this cruel, can he? I have had nightmares ever since Tim
was diagnosed that I got diagnosed with some kind of cancer too so the fact that this is happening now is just my worst nightmare. I have had so much loss of sleep in the last 2 weeks.
I know I have sleep apnea and was going to go get tested and start taking better care of myself.
I have felt like hammered "you know what" the last few months. Waking up exhausted is not
helping me. I don't know who all reads this blog. As I have said in the past, I have only
told a very few people I know about it. It really is just my way of venting and I guess I am
feelng desperate enough that instead of not posting about this until I even know if there is a
problem, I am doing the opposite hoping that any prayers sent up on my family's behalf even by total strangers will help. To get back to how I found this out, my doctor's office has a new system
to inform people of test results. Get this. You get a laminated card with a box and pin number
on it. You get a recorded phone call when your test results are in. You call a toll free number
and enter your numbers to hear a recorded message from your doctor. I thought, well this means if he did not call me directly, it must be all OK cause a doctor can't possibly break bad
news to people like that right?! Wrong, even a doctor who knows you well and knows your
husband has cancer and delivered your 10 year old daughter apparently thinks this is a fine
method. AND the call came at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night when no one is working and I cannot
even ask him any questions concerning the results. How's that for the benefits of modern
technology?! Inexcusable is just one of the many words that come to mind. The other phrases
contain to many expletives to print. I am in shock. Tim just did an estimate 2 weeks ago for
people in a town just a few minutes from here where 3 kids are being raised by a nanny. Their
father died and 2 years later their mother died too. Where is the justice in that? This cannot
happen to my daughter. Please God, it just wouldn't be fair. I am in such
shock right now and so exhausted that I am stunned this post even makes sense. I have to
go show the apt. again today and I just don't care anymore. What a huge headache that place
has been. The new people that were supposed to rent it had the worst reference I ever got
and I had to tell them forget it. They are devastated and I was ticked. I am a magnet for liars.
The driveway contractor we used tried to screw us and I caught the whole deal and told him
to write up a new contract with the warranty he promised or I won't pay the balance. Now, he
is treatening to sue me and has added late fees to my bill. My blood pressure has been so high,
I was planning to go to the doc and will probably have to start meds which scares me so much.
If anybody reads this, I hope you'll send a little shout out to the "Big Guy" on our behalf. I
just don't know what else to say at this point.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
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4 comments:
Denise
I was going to contact you before this latest post because I have been following your blog and I am also a patient of Dr. S in Hackensack and my husband and I attended the excellent presentation he gave at Gilda's Club last Thursday. I am also on the younger side...I was diagnosed with MM in June 2008 at age 48 (I'm 49 now) and the MM caused a lesion in my hip and then fractured the hip (I thought I had a bad pulled muscle). I had hip replacement surgery on July 1st and started Velcade/Dex on July 28th. I see Dr. S this coming Tuesday and most likely will start chemo cycle # 6. I have several chromosomal abnormalities: deletion 13 and translocation 4;14 and 14;16 - so my disease will be harder to treat. I've responded well to the Velcade without serious side effects so far. Still considering an auto SCT to be followed by a midi allo SCT if a donor can be found (siblings were not a match). I'm sure we've seen you in the "standing room only" waiting room and I wish we could have said hello last Thursday evening. We live 65 miles from Hackensack in Somerset County - but the program was well worth the ride on a rainy evening. All that being said - I can't imagine what you are going through at this moment with the message you received. We also have one daughter - but she is a sophomore in college...but even though she is older than Olivia - I still need to see her through her college years and beyond. I hope that further testing will indicate that nothing is wrong and that you do not have breast cancer. That just seems too cruel for one family. I am not a very religious person - but I do believe greatly in the power of positive thinking and I will send good thoughts your way. You have been a great support for your husband from all that I have read and I'm sure he will be a great support for you. I know we are strangers - but our families are going through a very similar experience, we are younger patients with this awful disease, seeing the same doctor - so I feel we have a connection. I always tell my daughter to take a deep breath when she is panicked about something - so remember to breathe and call your doctor first thing tomorrow morning and I hope it's a false alarm.
Thanks Anita,
We see Doc. S. tomorrow. I wish I
had met you at the meeting. I was sitting by myself over on the side of the room by the table wearing black slacks and a black and red
sweater. Drop me a line at my e-mail tdos59@optonline.net. Thanks
for the well wishes.
Whoever cam up with that phone-results system is a spot of higher density. Sending prayers your way.
Thanks Kevin,
Did I mention that I am the one
losing their hair? If this stress doesn't let up soon, I'll be sporting a combover!
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