Moving on

Well I sold Tim's old truck. I have to admit, we are bumming a little. He just loved this
truck. It's got that old Ford, squared-off, masculine look and we bought it when we
were planning to have Olivia. It was what she came home from the hospital in when she
was born and
a lot of "family firsts" happened with that rig. Tim is fussy about his trucks and the
first guy who came to see it snapped it up and he is a HAPPY man. He picks it up
tomorrow. A somewhat unexpected snow today pushed it off a day. Tim said that
this new truck certainly takes the sting out of saying goodbye to the old one and I agree.
In myeloma news, we go for Tim's lab draw and then an appointment in these next 2 weeks.
We go every three months since he has been in CR. So different from when we were there
SO MUCH that we felt like we never left. Even when not on Velcade which brought us there
twice a week, when you are being checked monthly, you have 2 visits a month and even
that seems like you are always sweating things out thinking of them. I'm still doing a VERY
poor job of taking care of me and I'm feeling it. I NEED to start exercising. I have gained more
weight and though not heavy, this is heavy for me and most clothes either don't fit or don't
feel comfortable. I am exhausted all the time. I must say though that Tim's being in CR for this long as well as things going relatively
smoothly at our rental property has been a big help with my quality of life. I still find that
I get really angry when faced with unexpected disappointments with people in our life but
I guess you're always gonna have that. Though I may vent like crazy, I do try to always take
the high road. Quite frankly, I cannot find it in me to treat people the way I have been treated
at times in my life and I know that is a good thing. I also think that about the only thing you
can do is try to limit your exposure to people like this. I'm long past thinking that people change
and I really do not need the added stress in my life.
But I often seem to use the phrase, "it never ceases to amaze me" about the things people do, say and
the levels they stoop to. Luckily though, as I have said in the past, just when I think I want to
move to a deserted island, I meet someone or have something happen that restores my faith.
I have been going to bible classes on Wednesdays. It's just me and a small group of older women.
I feel at peace just sitting in church and being surrounded by these faithful folks. In March, it
will be 3 years since Tim's diagnosis. I feel like I am on much firmer ground since that year as
well as the very stressful 2008. I do not cry as much by far. Oh I still can start the waterworks
pretty easily if I think too much or the wrong song comes on the radio but I know that I need to
stay strong and frequent breakdowns used to wear me out. I can't say you ever accept it 100 percent but you do get to a place where you know this is your journey now and you have to make the best of it. I am always very grateful that Tim miraculously reached and maintained
a CR and do not take that for granted for a second. I am still planning a few family trips to try
to make the most of it too. The time is flying and I don't want to waste it. It's an eerie feeling though to be here. I wonder if I am getting complacent. Is there something I should be doing
to prepare for that other shoe dropping? I just don't know. Sometimes I ask myself if I have
really come to terms with this or if I'm in some kind of denial. One thing I do realize though is
that the controlling part of you wants to prepare and then the rational side of you realizes
that there's really no way to do that. How do you batten down the hatches for the unknown
and never before experienced scenerios that might or might not happen soon or far off in the
future. What a limbo this is. Hard to get used to it but the way it is nonetheless. Tim turns
46 next week. A blessing to say the least. I guess I still have work to do to get to that
"living in the moment" thing. As always, a work in progress.