5 years

Our family(a motley crew) on the1st Christmas Eve at our house. Obviously, my Dad was the one setting up the camera and diving into the shot.

It's been 5 years since we were told Tim has MM. On one hand, the time has flown by so fast. On the other, as many of you will probably agree, it's hard to remember our lives before MM barged in uninvited. I probably start every yearly post the same way. It's so true.

Well, Tim's cold got really bad. It worsened and he came down with a fever even with the Z-pack. I had to run him to the doctor on Sat. and we, of course, had to scoot off to get a chest x-ray to make sure he did not have pneumonia. Then, on Sunday, Olivia and I started feeling wonky and now we both have it too. It's a nasty one, not the mild-ish version that Tim and I had in Florida. I'm sure mine has turned into bronchitis. What was freekin' me out a bit though was that the dates are all falling on the same weekdays as when Tim was diagnosed 5 yrs. ago, and the circumstances were repeating themselves. He was sick with a fever that weekend 5 years ago. Ditto for this past weekend. I was sleeping on a cot in Liv's room to give him the bed to himself. I did the same now. But, 5 years ago, I woke up to hearing him choking at 2 o'clock Monday morning and took him to the E.R. This time, I did not. He had his 1st bone marrow biopsy on Tues. and we got the bad news on Thursday, the 8th.

So, this past year.............well, it was mostly good. MM-wise, Tim started showing a slight band on his SPEP and immunofixation tests in Jan. so I thought 2011 was going to be the year he relapsed and had to start treatment again but, it wasn't. His tests still show the same thing and his doc said the MM is still inactive. A blessing.........a miracle really, and we don't take that for granted. We had some really nice vacations which is always the best parts for me. Business has been very busy and continues to be for Tim. Olivia's social life gets busier each year and I feel like I'm a taxi driver. The biggest negative this year, of course, has been the split from his family. It's been 4 1/2 months and none of them has even bothered apologizing for anything they said/did to us. I'm shocked by this but Tim said, "Denise, they're NOT sorry, they can never admit they're wrong and they are blaming us(probably me) for everything that's happened. We stood up for ourselves, now WE are the outcasts." Mind-boggling sometimes, the lengths people will go to blame others for their own blunders. Apparently, I'm an excellent ventriloquist! Who knew?! Oh well, what can ya do? Life goes on.

Tim feels really well these days. He's tired, but 48 year old men who beat the heck out of their bodies everyday at work will be tired, though still look smokin' hot! ;o)  Most customers can't even believe he's 48. They think he's 10 years younger. Most don't know he has cancer but the ones that do REALLY can't believe it by the looks of him.. Aside from a few tiny scars from his hickamn catheter and his hair being a little thinner and MUCH straighter, he appears to be unscathed by all that he went through, on the outside. So, how am I doing, 5 years later? Well, I guess about the same. Still not taking time to do for myself. I cry much less these days, though all it takes is one line from a sappy song or a certain memory coming to mind and the tears are still right there. I worry, daily, about the future; finances, Tim's health, my own health. How will I find a job when/if Tim can't work anymore after so many years out of the work force? How can I work a job just when he will need me around so much more? It's an endless loop of concerns running through my brain. On Liv's birthday, May 9th, it will be 4 years since Tim's last chemo treatment. This is why I don't cry whenever I am alone, like I used to. We have not lived in that scary, frantic place for a long time now. I do not watch my husband swallow or get IV's of toxic substances and suffer the side effects. We are not back and forth to a cancer center so many times, it feels like we never left. We are not sweating out lab results every few weeks. BUT, MM, and thoughts of what the future holds, still haunt us everyday and we know we can be right back to those things at any time. We know, we're not outta this. We are a family dealing with cancer. It affects all our decisions and attitudes. I check off a bucket list of places I want us to go before we can't anymore. I exhale with every birthday and Christmas our kid celebrates with her family intact. A lot of people think Tim is cured. Sometimes, people say things to me about that and I have to tell them that he is not. Depressing. He's been doing so well, looks so darn good, and been off treatment for so long that they all think this is a done deal and he beat it. I wish. You can see their faces drop when I tell them that isn't the case.  I just can't avoid the reality of it all, especially after losing so many wonderful people I have met or come to know, either personally, or via the internet, these last 5 years. MM has brought some really wonderful people into my world, but my heart breaks, even more than it already is, everytime one of these people is lost to us.

I think that learning to live in the moment is the only way to live with this damn cancer hanging over our heads but it is so hard. So many unknowns and worries swirling around your head. So, I've said it before, I have learned a lot these last years. About myself, Tim and others. Not all of it good. Some of it pretty impressive though. I feel like Tim, Olivia, and I have been tested by fire. We're still getting through it, together, all 3 of us being stronger than I ever could have imagined we could be. I think that after going through so much in my life; my own life-changing health issue, being let down by so many people, Tim's MM; that I should be the most jaded, depressed person. Well, I am a bit jaded. I do not trust people easily anymore. I've learned to expect very little from people. If something good pops up from someone, I am pleasantly surprised and appreciative. But, I will be a lot more careful about who I let into my life from here on out. I probably am a bit depressed too. Who wouldn't be? But somehow I manage to be hopeful too, and grateful, and crack a joke now and then. I've learned that reaching out to others, and helping any way you can, heals your heart. And I have found NOTHING that helps you cope and feel better than that. It's true, you get so much more when you give. It makes you feel worthwhile and useful and I think that goes a long way to stave off depression. I suppose I could retreat and worry about just our own situation. Heaven knows, I have a lot on my plate just taking care of all my responsibilities. But, this is also alienating, and I need to be around people. Everytime I get back from my MM support group, I feel as if a little weight has been lifted off my shoulders.My little family may not have some of the people supporting us that we thought we would have, but we do have a lot of people who really care about what happens to Tim and our family. I may be jaded but I have not lost hope in people as a whole. I'm just a lot more picky about who I hang with these days.


Quote of the day: Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.       George Washington

Happy spring y'all. Gonna hit near 70 today in Jersey and we are LOVIN' it.