Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Marriage and cancer
I don't want to make this a long post. Quite frankly, I have paperwork to do that I have to STOP avoiding. But, I am very sad today. Having your mate blow off steam on you when they're stressed, is part of being in a relationship. I get it. I've been in a long term relationship since 3 months after I turned 16, and that was a LONG time ago. The difficult part is when there is not nearly enough of the other side of that spectrum and you start to feel like nothing but a whipping post. It gets old when you hear nothing but a raised voice, slamming your words back down your throat, when you've said nothing wrong, OR been misheard by someone with hearing loss. I feel like I'm living with Tim's father, some days, as this is the exact garbage I got from him. I suppose I should not be surprised. People learn what they lived and then go on to live what they learned. That doesn't make it any easier to cope with though. I blasted my husband last night, ending with saying, "don't bother talking to me at all, if this is the only way you know how to speak." The real irritating part is that he was handling the stress of being so incredibly busy at work just fine. Add these phone calls from his mother, going to and leaving VT, and him struggling with what he plans to do about it all, and, voila, you have a pressure cooker and "yours truly" is still suffering the consequences of this whole family disaster. We just can't seem to get far enough away from this mess, to have it stop affecting us in a very negative way. And my husband just can't seem to understand that I will NEVER be OK with someone treating me like that. Period. I made the mistake of doing a google search about marriage and cancer. First, I found an article that said there are statistics that show 3 out of 4 men leave a wife who has been diagnosed with cancer. The same study showed that 3 out of 4 women STAY when their husband is dx'ed with cancer. Then, I found a blog. Of course, this couple is madly in love, supporting each other through thick and thin, and just the picture of marital bliss despite weathering cancer. I think we need a more realistic blog, with helpful tips on how to weather cancer, and marriage, and raising kids, and running a business, and trying to stay afloat financially, without winding up in a straightjacket, to keep you from harming yourself or others.
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8 comments:
Your post rings so true with me. Don't say anything, but it may explain exactly why I post so infrequently. Mike reads what I post.
denise, i am so sorry for what you are going through. with hugh's and my current situation, both having cancer, i've discovered that title of an old song, "you always hurt the one you love" can sometimes bode true. i try as hard as i can to look through the eyes of compassion and realize that we both can fall into regarding one another as a safety net for anger and resentment. but sometimes it's beyond my patience to tolerate, and makes me want to scream - it hurts, and is completely bewildering at times. warm hugs to you - i am Believing that the goodness and love you and tim have for each other will overcome the strife. xo, karen
Hi Denise,
I never got along with my in laws either. As Mark got older he took on some of his fathers characteristics.
But what I would give today to hear his voice at any level.
You were incredibly supportive to me in my darkest days. I can only tell you that now that I have the perspective that I do , i only wish I redirected much of our time and energy on building more memories. More time to focus on what is really importantv.
Perhaps sitting down with Tim and sharing my story would help. But put family aside. In the end there are few things in life that are truly important. And love is one of them. Hugs.
Thank you all for the comments. This is so hard, when you're trying to make warm, fuzzy memories for your daughter and make the most out of our lives, and your husband is being so disrespectful to you, right in front of her. Tim was raised in that kind of environment, I was not. I have seen the fallout of that in his family. I think I will have to sit down with him and ask him straight out if this is what he wants Liv to remember, and how he wants to live his life. His father has turned into the bitter, nasty man that his own father was, and takes his anger out on everyone around him. I DO NOT want the cycle to continue with Tim.
Oh yes. I am right there with you. And how terribly hard it is not to snap back when someone lectures you in a patronising tone for hours on end then accuses you of not listening or of basically lacking basic intelligence...
Yesterday I had a total meltdown and burst into tears for the first time in 5 years (post-dx) and he laughed. Ow.
It is so hard sometimes but I am in this for the long-haul.
I remember having a right strop on with B before we were even married. I'd knocked a drink over on his mother's carpet and he called me a dozy b**ch. I was so annoyed I could barely speak. He was stunned that I felt like that as that was what his dad said to his mum. I had to slap the attitude out of him along with banning both those words along with stupid, useless, shut up, be quiet and sssh! I wasn't use to hearing them at home so I wasn't prepared to tolerate them from him.
Blumin' in-laws.
An I'm just amazed at those stats - 3 out of 4!!!!!! :O
Shortly after it was clear that my relatives (one has MM) realized they were going to be having at least three or four years together and dealing with this disease, they went into couple's counseling. I don't know if they are still doing that, but it made all the difference in how they have managed to survive working together and living with the cancer together.
I know it is a hard subject to bring up, but NOT bringing it up means things won't change. You said ..."if this is the only way you know how to speak..." and sadly because it is what he learned at home, it IS the only way he knows right now. But he can, if he wants to, learn new ways to respond and initiate.
Check with your insurance company and see if counseling as part of the medical treatment is covered and find a good MALE counselor because T doesn't need to feel ganged up on. Also, might be time for T to have his hearing checked again; he might be missing what you are saying (though possibly by shouting he heard well enough - LOL) and he is feeling deeply frustrated about that without saying anything.
Finally, (last bit of advice for today) it may be time for you to put your foot down about demeaning words and advise him that the next time he throws garbage in your direction, you are going to take it to the door and throw it out and he will be asked to leave as well. This is a very hard step to take, especially with someone with MM, but abuse is not part of the bargain for a caregiver - ever!
Intending that you are finding resources to help you turn things around, and finding peace in your family, for the highest and best good of ALL concerned.. so be it and so it is!
wow - I feel like I just had deja vu
my husband did the same thing to me today when I got home from work and you wonder what you did if anything.
Not that we don't love them. We've been married 35 years and my husband was diagnosed in October. It just that words hurt. I agree with Lorna - I just had to walk away.
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