UGH

Yesterday, Tim had a check-up appt. I am always anxious about these, some times more than others. This was one of those times. He has had tingling in his legs and feet for several months and noticed he is sweating more(though in truth, we've had VERY humid weather in Jersey lately) I sat down and looked at his last 2 rounds of bloodwork and realized there are very slight ticks up in markers with very slight ticks down in blood cell counts. Nothing to worry too much about, but I wondered what this latest bloodwork would show. It did not help that Tim took the dog for a walk just before we left for the appt. and ran into a woman from PA who still visits here and keeps her apartment around the corner and she told us that her dad, who we know, was just diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma 3 weeks ago. Something about having stuff like this happen around appts. that always puts us more on edge. Anyway, we are seeing the new doc now. Joshua Richter. Young, nice. He worked with Vesole and Jaggannath at St. Vincents in NYC before it closed so I know he must know his stuff. Well, unfortunately, those ticks continued in the wrong direction. His m-spike is .15 now. It was .08. It has been explained to me, in the past and again yesterday, that when it is this low, it is unreliable and always just an estimate, but I also noticed his Kappa free-lites, and therefore the ratio, ticked up a decent amount and I've been told in the past that that would be the first thing to show he
is coming out of "remission." While the numbers are still in range, they definitely are trending up.
I was bummed. He said this is nothing to be concerned about, that the blood counts can be just normal variations, a 2 mile run would raise his platelets and whites and all that jazz, and that the free-lites were still in range, so he is not concerned. Still said we could go 3 months between appts. I am not happy though. I think this is a sign that we are slipping out of the "eye of the storm."
Nothing to be done, I suppose, there is no way to prepare for this. I've had a chance to get my feet back under me, with this long period of stability. I was a wreck in '07 and '08. I realized this morning, that it would be very easy to go right back there again. A friend told me recently that I have learned things and gotten stronger in this time and thinks I will be more able to be strong. I'm not so convinced of that. I'm trying to remember to take it a day at a time. Trying to project or prepare for the future just produces angst. Tim also has had pain in his neck area for a month. Doc thinks it's muscular and gave us a script for a muscle relaxer. If it gets worse or does not resolve, then we will look at getting a CT scan or MRI. On the way out of the doc's office, I ran into a man who has not been to the last few support group meetings. He is not doing well. I gave him a big hug and kiss, and again when we left, but it's so sad to see people doing poorly. I know too many MM'ers in that spot right now and it's heartwrenching.While Tim and I were waiting to see the doc yesterday, there were 3 men there, all 40's, one a new patient. I thought, "so much for an old person's disease." Younger folks getting it all the time now. Tomorrow, I am dragging Tim and Liv to a cancer survivors celebration at Liberty State Park, which is across the river from the Statue of Liberty. Tim has never agreed to go to any of these things but Aretha Franklin is performing, as is Tim's doc I heard, so I told him we are going. Hoping the weather holds out. They're saying showers. I hope it's uplifting in some ways. I hope to meet a gal from southern NJ who I've only known via internet so far, as well as run into others from our support group. Sometimes I feel like life is "all cancer, all the time." Tim and I got a bit of a relief from that. It's still a hard life when you feel like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. So, that's the update. Have to learn to adjust to this "new normal" again. Nothing stays the same. Happy autumn to y'all. Keep on truckin'.