Caregiver burnout

Well I think I am there. I believe I am suffering from an acute case of caregiver burnout.
I just spent 65 clams on caregiver self-help books on Barnes and Noble.com. Since my run-in
with the rudest therapist this side of the Mississippi, I decided I might read my way to better
emotional health. I am an avid reader and pending finding a new and improved
shrink, I realize I need help now. I vent a lot to my mom and sisters but it is a heavy load I carry
and I'm sure it's difficult for them to hear at times. My poor sister called me tonight to ask
about her babysitting Olivia so Tim and I can go see BRUCE on Monday and I had just woken
up from sleeping through dinner. I walked upstairs after another tough day of being beaten down and taken for granted and said "I quit, make your own dinner" and told Tim to take
Olivia to vacation bible school himself. I told my sister all that was bothering me and I know
that my family is very worried about me. I don't even recognize this worn out woman in the mirror that looks back at me. My health is starting to suffer. I am finally sleeping now that
I am not kept up with a sick dog and still I am exhausted during the day. I have been warned
by many folks, including my pastor and the social worker we saw before Tim's transplant
that many times the caregivers do not do well. I have even been told 2 0r 3 times "we bury
caregivers all the time." THANKS for that. Some people really need to censor themselves.
It's truly incredible what comes out of peoples' mouthes sometimes. But I am sure it is true.
I feel like I am drawing from an empty well everyday trying to come up with the strength
to keep going, catch up with everything and keep all these balls in the air. This girl is tired
and frustrated and depressed and fed up. I joined a book club and went to the first meeting
last week. Would you believe after all my threats lately that I am moving to a deserted island,
that is what this month's book was about. The woman self destructs and takes off for Jamaica and swims, drinks a little beer, smokes a little homegrown and tries to find out who she is and what
is important to her now. SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN TO ME!!! I realize that I have been a caregiver all my life. I was the mother hen
in my family and the shrink to all my friends. I have always been the one to call when you need
a hand. Unfortunately, this was not reciprocated when I wound up with a life-changing health problem. I guess when you are a caregiver type, you attract those who need that. Takers will
always gravitate to givers. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? I wound up taking care of a family friend last week who had a blood clot in his leg. He
is a widower and I took him to the hospital, took care of his dogs, was his advocate, picked up his meds and gave him
his shots when he got home till he started doing them himself. I was happy to do it though because he is a giver and would do anything for anyone. It actually took my mind off my own problems for awhile too. It does feel good to do for others. It heals you in a way to be a help but there are limits. It's no wonder I look the way I do.
I never do a darn thing for myself. It's got to change. I am going to be no good to anyone if this
goes on. When we got together with the folks Tim had his transplant with, I heard him say something that stopped me. Both Tim and Jim push their MM out of their minds as much as
possible so they can live their lives as normally as possible. Jim's wife and myself are the
researchers. Tim said,"Denise has lived this more than I have." What he meant by that is that
it has been on my mind more and I have immersed myself in it. I do not believe for a second that
my situation is harder than Tim's. Even when I hear patients say that they think it's harder on
their spouse, I think that's nice to give a caregiver credit but I would never go that far. But I do
realize I need a break. I don't know if I can stop myself from learning how to help Tim but I have to start taking mini vacations from it or I'm gonna really hit bottom. In the last 16+ months, I
have both felt stronger than I have ever felt in my life and weaker. I revved myself up for his
transplant to muscle everyone through it. I was like superwoman and I was so knowledgeable
about the whole deal that all the nurses thought I was a nurse. A few docs did too. But all this stress is catching up to me now. Luckily, after all
that has happened, my husband feels and looks incredible now. Everyone tells him and
me that(one more person just 2 hours ago). I on the other hand, look like I've been clobbered with chemo or something. The ladies are crazy about Tim's curly hair and Mr. Sexpot is gonna dump me for a hot blonde if I don't shape up!
Just a little "heads up" to you girls out there, he is HIGH MAINTENANCE. So it's time to spend
a little time on me now. First stop, a massage at my old friend's place. She sent me a coupon for
a free massage for 2 and we have never gone. Tim won't commit so I'm going my darn self. It's
high time to fill the well back up. I don't think Jamaica's in the cards but maybe I should wear
one of those dreadlock caps down to Cape May next month and pretend! YA MON!