Kvetching

I just read a post on a blog I follow that spoke about complaining. Now, unfortunately, that is a subject I know a bit about. I can be quite the kvetcher, myself. I have toned it down over the years. I've been given a lot to complain about in my life. Unfortunately, like an old threat I remember from my youth, "I'll give you something to cry about," fate turned on me and did
just that. Now the things I used to complain about, job etc., sure seem like small problems
and something that I wish was my biggest hurdle now. I wondered how I ever got in the habit
to begin with. I remember my father, who worked for a Ford dealership for many years before
going into business for himself, sitting at the dinner table complaining to my mother about his
day at work night after night. The dealership was family owned and one of the brothers was an absolute tyrant. He made everyone there miserable.
My father ran the whole parts and service departments but was always a handy guy too and whenever the heat broke, roof leaked, etc, they called on good ol' Johnny to fix it. Maybe that's where I picked up the idea that this was what conversation was. You bitched about the injustices in your life. My teen years did get rough for awhile. I had a sister who decided her goal in life was to make my life a living hell. She did a pretty good job of it. My first love, Eric, helped me escape that. It wasn't that I left home, just
that he was all that mattered and I was out with him more than home so my sister's impact started to lessen. About the time I broke up with him and started dating Tim, my fainting spells had begun. It morphed into a very long nightmare of agoraphobia, doctor bills and missed chances at a diagnosis that took years to come by. In 2001, with a 3 year old, I then started another nightmare of severe vertigo. I was many times unable to function. Went from doctor to doctor. Some days, I could not even walk. I was told I almost definitely had MS or some other
degenerative disease, then meniere's disease, and other things including TMJ disorder. It was
actually several years before this finally went away and I still suffer some lasting effects from it.
During this time, I did some research on my black-outs and went to a doctor in New York City.
He told me very simply what I had. Not long after, the local cardiologist, who was the first one
I saw with this problem at 19, looked at my reports and said, "Oh yes, you have that." These tests looked the same as they did 18 years earlier when he said they were normal. I watched half
my life go down the tubes because of an "electrical problem" that should have been diagnosed at the get go. They say don't cry over spilt milk. Well, it's hard to have the joy, independence, and any normalcy whatsoever sucked out of what should have been the best years of my life and not be just a little bummed. I had many other health scares over the years. Too many to mention. I finally started to drag myself out of the agoraphobia and just when life was starting to look a little bit normal, Tim was diagnosed with MM. Sometimes, it does feel like if it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. I do have a very strong sense of justice and I don't like injustices anywhere. I know life isn't fair but I rebel against that none-the less. I just plain don't like it when nice guys finish last and bad things happen to good people. I wonder sometimes if people kvetch about all the petty little annoyances in life because it's a way to avoid
thinking about the really BIG things really going on in their lives. Or maybe for some of us, we've
just had it with the way things are, and the unfairness of it all sometimes, and wonder why it has to be that way. Why can't some people cut a freekin' break and others just seem to fall into good fortune at every turn. And usually, the ones that can't get a break are the nicest, most generous people and the ones who "step in it" are the most selfish, sidewinding jerks you ever knew. I do know one thing. When you get hit with the whopper problems, it makes all those petty things seem stupid. You listen to people complain and think, "wow, if that was my biggest worry today, I'd be dancing a jig." It's all relative though. People's problems are very real to themselves even if they seem petty to someone else. Olivia and I were walking our puppy downtown shortly after we got her. We live just a block or so from a shopping area of our town. Lacey was just 3 months old. I had a poop bag with me and being just a puppy, she started to poop right on the sidewalk outside a store. The whole area is street and sidewalks with the exception of little trees in 4 foot square mulch beds on each block. By the time I realized what she was doing, it was too late to get her to a tree. So I took the bag out of my pocket and I saw a woman walking toward us all dressed up and strutting down the street in her high heeled boots. I warned her to be careful where she was walking as she was heading right toward it and did not see that I was about to pick up my puppy's "business" and she shot me the most snobby, obnoxious look and mumbled something snotty on top of it. I was so ticked. I felt like going up to this uppity jerk and saying, "hey, my husband has cancer. If the worse thing that happens to you today is that you had to take 3 extra steps to walk around some puppy poop, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!"
There are times I wish we could move from here. I think people in general have too much money around here. Many are just self-important, snooty, and not friendly at all. There are times we are on vacation and we enjoy being around the friendly people so much, we don't want to go home. It gets to me. But back to complaining( oh yeah, that's what I was doing anyway), I have found that the only way to keep my sanity while dealing with all these hard things that have invaded our lives is to try to find the silver linings. Count the blessings you do have. Remember that it could always be worse, so take the good wherever and whenever you find it. Kvetching is carthartic and it relieves tension. You get it off your chest and you feel lighter but I guess you can get too far into the habit and start feeling like a victim too much. If you wake up thinking, " I wonder what cruddy thing is gonna happen today" you'll be focusing on every negative that pops up. Much better to wake up and say, "today's gonna be a great day" and go to bed remembering all the positive things that happened that day to make that true. It's not easy
to curb complaining, especially when it's your nature and you have quite a bit to bi*** about,
but you really can get yourself in a rut if you do it too much. Well off to bed, I fell down the back stairs today and I'm hurting. It's always something. ;o)

Finding out who your friends are

I have learned over the last 4 years that cliches are always right. My sister hates them, irritates her just to hear them spoken. I think that I have never found one that isn't true and even more so now. At one point, I thought that if you lived your life following the advice of cliches, you'd probably do OK actually. There is a conversation going on now on the ACOR MM listserv about
your attitude and outlook while dealing with cancer and it has morphed into things people say
to you and now, finding out who your friends are. I have said some things on here about that subject in my own life. As I've said before, I think I've only told one member of my in-laws about this blog and a friend or two. It is my place to spout off and I don't advertise it to too many people I know, but I don't say too much just in case. We have indeed been disappointed in these last few years about the lack of support we've gotten from some people even in our inner circle. It hurts and yeah, we're a bit ticked off too. But I am grateful for
the support that has come from others. I think most of us have found that even strangers or
people we don't know well can sometimes move us to tears by their genuine niceness when it
was not even expected. But I think I have just heard the worst "find out who your friends are" story I have ever heard. This woman wrote into the listserv that her brother refused to be tested to see if he was a match to donate stem cells if it came to that. She doesn't speak to him
much now. THEN her best friend was having marriage problems right about the time she had
her auto transplant so she moved into her house to "help" her. As the woman wrote, the
"friend" then "helped herself" to her man of 7 years right there in the very house. HOLY SHEEP SH**!!!!!!!! That is the worst I've ever heard. She said that it was not a pretty sight when she found out. The fact that these 2 people are still alive, I think, is either testament to this woman's unbelievable self control or how downright freekin' wiped out you are after a transplant. I would have killed them both, got an attorney and claimed justifiable homicide, and took my chances with a jury!!! OK maybe not, but man, if ever there was a case for justifiable homicide, that's it. We've all heard stories about women losing their man and best friend in this way but when you're recovering from a transplant and they're supposed to be helping you! As if Melphalan doesn't take the rug out from under you enough! This woman should get an award for
downright dogged determination in rising out of the ashes under such circumstances. My hat's off to her!

A mini vacation

Felt like I needed a little reminder of warmer days just now as we are dealing with bitter cold temps and snowstorm after snowstorm in Jersey. Here are some shots from our vacation in Chincoteague, Va in April of 2009. For those of you not familiar with the story of this area,

there was an award winning book called "Misty of Chincoteague" that put this tiny little barrier island, as well as its sister island Assateague, on the map. I have always loved horses and it was my favorite childhood book. My parents took us there twice in the summer when the herd of ponies are rounded up on their home of Assateague and swim across the channel to Chincoteague at slack tide where the foals are auctioned off to raise money to support the fire dept. This has been a tradition for years now and tens of thousands of visitors swarm the island for the "pony swim" due to the book which made this event known around the world. I wanted so badly to take Tim and Olivia there and we popped down in April on Olivia's spring break and we were blessed to catch a round-up that they do that time of year to do veterinarian checks on the herd. You would never see a round-up this close with the crowds in July. We were ten feet away as the herd galloped past us(no fences between us) and

it was truly a moving and beautiful sight. To see their manes flying and feel the ground shake

beneath us as they ran past in all their glory was incredible. I am trying to download a video for the first time. Not sure it's going to work. I probably have video of the close up "stampede" but don't know how to download from our video cam program. This was from Olivia's camera.

The top photo is of a brand new foal, born that morning. Might be a "cremello" which is caused

by 2 red horses that mate and both carry the creme gene. The second pic is of a year old stallion. I have seen winter coats on horses but NEVER one like this. I nicknamed him Curly,

of course, and think he looks like a Chincoteague pony crossed with a poodle. Maybe a

Chi-pon-oodle. The third shot is of Olivia feeding a pony at the Pony Center on Chincoteague

Island. There are many descendants of Misty(who was a Palamino pinto) kept on this farm and

this may very well be one of them. The video, if it worked, is what we saw from our car as we

crossed the causeway from one island to the other just before they herded them into the holding

pens when we were standing just feet away. The ponies(they're actually horses) live on Assateague and swim in the surf and they call these men, most of whom are involved with the fire dept. in some way, "saltwater cowboys." Olivia decided after this trip that she wanted to be

a saltwater cowgirl some day. If you ever get the chance to go to Chincoteague, I urge you to.

It is a simple place where all the locals know each other and the people are so friendly.

Making progress

Well. I think both of our apts. are rented. The downstairs woman took over on 1/15 though her soon-to-be ex-husband is giving her a lot of trouble and I guess she has not been able to get her
furniture out. Poor thing. Her parents came up to help her from outside Philly area and they
are sleeping on an air mattress in the apt. waiting to be able to help her get her things. What a
nice family they are. I have high hopes that this will be a good experience despite the rough way it is beginning for her. I now have a couple who will be renting the upstairs(lease not signed yet but they're looking it over now). They're in their late 40's and a very nice couple. They work with my neighbor. I am glad to have more mature tenants living there now. I've had about all the drama I can manage these last few years from that place. There's a lot of risk involved with renting to young folks. I've had noise issues, relationships break up leading to broken leases, and then these last 2 hooking up and then having that "crash and burn" which caused its share of problems. They weren't that young either. I know she is 41. I don't know how old he was but in that general area, I'm sure. Just foolish, I guess. I keep thinking of Olympia Dukakis in the movie "Moonstruck" when she says
to John Mahoney(the professor who has affairs with his students) "Don't shit where you eat."
What a great line! So, on the homefront, Tim had his blood draw yesterday. We had more snow, which meant more driveway cleaning and he got all behind at work. Didn't help that his current customer did not plow their driveway when he got there(they're not living in the house yet) and his van slid off the driveway into a ditch and that took forever to get out. We got to his doctors' with no patients there and the guy who draws blood waiting for us. I swear if he said one word in complaint(he is the only one there with a bad attitude) I was gonna give him a little "what for."
Tim was exhausted and stressed out and I wasn't far behind. We were in no mood for his complaints yesterday. Tim's doc appt is next Friday so, fingers crossed.
As for me, I have finally had it with trying to run a business, our rental, and our personal business out of a drawer in an antique secretary and the kitchen counter. I went out and bought some new filing supplies and am heck-bent on trying to get my life organized because I am just making things so much worse on myself everytime I have to find paperwork and have to search forever. I have got to get a fire lit under my butt and get a handle on all this. I've been so down and find it so hard to even care about any of this while dealing with Tim's MM, but I have to get myself together. My house is so cluttered and I feel like I'm drowning in paperwork all the time. It's causing too much more stress at this point. I have to make another attempt at cleaning out my spare room and setting up an office. Wish I had a place on the main floor but I just don't. Well, I do. It's been the kitchen counter, diningroom table etc. but that is clearly NOT working out. So with all this said, time to get to today's to-do list. Tim is working both days this weekend and I want to make some progress here at home too. They're saying another big storm is to hit in a few days. GREAT. Lots of parents tired of having the kids home for snow days. I don't mind having Liv around but I feel bad if we don't do something to make her day off worth it for her and that again leaves me not accomplishing much around here. I realized after my post about polygamy that Tim is not the one that needs a wife, I DO!!!!!!!

Postponed doctor appts.

Tim is supposed to see his MM doctor every 3 months. He pushed one visit off to 4 and has now done this again. I don't get my knickers too twisted over this but it is not fun on my end to have to keep bringing it up and telling him to "give me a day" so I can make his appt. while he keeps blowing it off. He has to
go get labs drawn first and then book an appt. a week later. The labs are quick(the driving takes some time though) but he hasn't even made time to do that. I can understand his not wanting to go in Dec. We got bad news just before the holidays when his transplant was a bust and it stunk but now he is busy as heck with work and can't find a free day. Jan. is usually a slow month for contractors but not Tim this year. His mother asked me the other day what was going on and I told her that I keep trying to pin him down but he's not listening. She commented that he probably doesn't want to go. Ya think?!!! After almost 4
years of this, I'm pretty sure I could figure that out but he has to go and even though he has been stable for a good spell, there's nothing about kidney or bone damage that sounds like a picnic to me if the MM should flare up quickly and go unchecked. In most ways, Tim is an unbelievable patient. He really doesn't complain, has avoided depression so far throughout this whole ordeal(wish I could say the same) and I am still amazed at how he keeps his spirits up. But this part of it for me is tough. I am not fond of having to nag him. I do all the research, make his appts., pay the medical bills, and manage all that side of things and he is pretty confident that between me and his doctors, he's in pretty capable hands. I'm glad he feels that way and is able to get MM off his mind because of it and live as normal a life as possible, but my job is not an easy one, and it's overwhelming at times when added to everything else I have to do. I just wish he cooperated a bit more with this. Tonight,
I am going to tell him that he has to give me 2 times for these visits before he does anything else.
I don't like to scare him. He really does not want to know all the scary scenerios that may or may not happen but if he insists on blowing this off, I have no choice but to tell him what he needs to know about the risks so he can make an informed decision. He is better about going to doctors when he is sick now but these check-ups are different. I don't blame him for putting it off but it's just got to be done. On the rental house front, I have a woman, who is a pediatric nurse, moving into our 2 bedroom. I have to say that she seems to have an unbelievable personality and if this is not an act, she is one of the nicest people I have met in years. She's got 2 kids, 1 in college and 1 a senior in highschool and going to college next year. Her husband apparently did her wrong and she is leaving him. Man, to be leaving your highschool sweatheart after more than 30 years together and still looking at the bright side and smiling, WOW, I want what she's drinking. The upstairs apartment is not rented yet and true to form, the woman who left decided she needed to cause some "exit drama" to blow off the stress she had due to being unsure about the move. I hate to say this but after almost 20 years of this, I realize that men let it all hang out all the time.
If they're jerks, they let you know almost immediately. They will be who they are throughout the whole tenancy. Women will act sweet as pie even for years, but as soon as they know they don't have to worry about the rent going up next year or a lease not being renewed, that's when you find out who they really are. The more stressed they are about the move, the more they need to take it out on someone. I really prefer people who are who they are and drop the act. Michelle started being rude, even in front of prospective tenants, and we put up with quite a bit of undeserved behavior and then she tried to do something to us that was just selfish and wrong and I told her just what I thought of it and that enough was enough. I don't take this cr** personally anymore but when you are dealing with life-or-death in your everyday life, you just don't want to be drawn into the petty drama that others create because they have nothing better to do. She sent me an e-mail saying I made things uncomfortable now and she had done everything possible to avoid that. I guess she thinks that her rude behavior and flip-flopping back and forth about moving, costing us 2 renters because of it, going back on her word to us and costing us at least a month's lost rent, and the fact that she slept with the downstairs tenant who was going through a nasty divorce, and was a jerk who then wanted nothing to do with her had nothing to do with why she wound up being uncomfortable there. Hmmm. Go figure. I am no saint to be sure but I take full responsiblity for my actions. Just wish other people did. I just love how some
folks blame everyone else for their own behavior. I can put up with a heckuva lot from people but there comes a time when you have to draw your line in the sand. Unfortunately, the fact that you do put up with so much is exactly why people get so shocked and pi**ed when you put the kibash on it. This is one way that Tim is ALWAYS right. I am always looking for the good in people. Even when I start to see hints of "not-so-good" I am always giving the benefit of the doubt and making excuses for them. Then when it becomes evident that they really are a jerk, I am always left feeling bewildered that I mis-judged again where as Tim takes it all at face value and is "on" to people much faster than I. I bet Tim awhile ago that Michelle might actually be
above the exit drama thing. Tim said no and bet she would turn. He was right again. Oh well! Onward.

When will he learn?

So Tim has spent the last few weeks cursing about our "new" from last season snow blower
that will not start. Our expensive, big kahuna snowblower blew up a few years ago. He had
a rebuilt motor put on it that blew up the first time he started it. We went out and bought a smaller model at Sears last year. Mind you, the main reason behind it is that I can handle this one. Well we have shoveled our backs out these last 2 storms and he was just getting over pneumonia during the first storm. I said, "it's the spark plug." He said, "no it's not, it's getting spark." He and his dad started taking it apart and quit. I kept telling him to get a new spark plug. He kept telling me that wasn't it. Tonight, with a new storm already begun that has schools closed tomorrow, he bought a spark plug. He told me he was wasting his time. I said,
"I think it's the plug." I can hear the sweet sound of a snowblower roaring from here. TOLD YA !!!!!!!!!! He will probably sleep out in the garage so he doesn't have to come in and hear me
say it. The boy NEVER listens to me.

Wrestling with women's lib

I have a cousin who is quite the women's libber. Actually, she will get up on the soapbox for just about anything. She and her husband are dual know-it-alls and it can be very difficult
having a conversation with either of them as they feel it is their duty to "enlighten" everyone
to their way of thinking. They have 2 young daughters. They put their older daughter in football and wrestling. Yes, with the boys. Now, I have no problem with letting your daughter do what she wants but I'm pretty sure they steered her in the direction of these sports. Now, apparently,
she really loves football but her father just posted a video of her wrestling match this past weekend on Facebook. I didn't want to watch, but I had to. I certainly think girls should be taught self defense. Boys too, for that matter, but I am not a fan of violent sports where people
beat each other up or dominate each other physically for fun. I think ultimate fighting is horrible and sports like boxing are the same thing with different rules. Anyway, I watched this 7 minute video and almost had to turn it off several times. I gotta give Jordan credit. She's a gutsy little thing and she definitely held her own with this boy. I'm not even sure who won but it was a very close match.
I just don't know how her parents watch their 8 year old daughter get pinned and wrestled like that though. At one point, someone threw a towel on the mat to stop the match as the boy had his arm around her throat. She was visibly upset. Throughout the match, her face had a worried,
knit browed look, and she looked about to cry several times when she was having a hard time.
Towards the end of the match, she stalled several times before starting again to catch her breath and she was touching her throat. At the end, he started to really make a few points and when the match ended, she was on the mat, holding her ribs and burst out crying as the boy walked away,
looking worried that he did something wrong. Painful to watch. If you knew my cousin, you'd know why I'd like to call her and tell her this is ridiculous making your daughter do this so you can brag about it to everyone(they do) and make some kind of "equality between the sexes" point. I think my cousin Sue should go wrestle a man if she so desires and leave her poor kid out of it. Just my opinion.