It's all about functioning

In the last 19 months since Tim's diagnosis, I have been asked many times
"how are you doing this?" I've also had many other wives and moms say to
me, "I can't even imagine....." They usually don't even finish that sentence
because the enormity of all that has transpired really is so unimaginable to them.
For a time my answer to the first question was "what choice do I have"
or "caving in is not an option, my husband and kid need me." My pastor stopped
me one time when I said the first thing. He said " No Denise, you do have a choice
and I have seen those who made the other choices, you chose to do what you have
to do for your family." I appreciated that from him and I guess I should give myself
a little credit. The fact is, as anyone who has gotten a serious diagnosis or had someone
close to them get one or has had any really tragic thing happen to them will tell you,
a huge meat
cleaver comes down and immediately seperates your life into 2 sections. The before
the event, and the after. These 2 parts of your life are totally different as if that really
needs saying. It's a whole new world and you certainly do learn a lot when something like this has happened. You rely on what you know from past hard times and then you
dig pretty deep in the well for more strength and knowledge and patience. As with anyone's
life, in good times and bad, the graph is never a straight line, up or down. You have
good days and bad days. You thank God when the good ones are winning out and you
tie a knot in the end of your rope and hold on like heck when too many of the bad ones
string together. There are times when I don't know myself how I am doing this.
I have been with Tim since I was 20 and he was 21. We are very good friends besides
being husband and wife and I just love this man more than air. I am really ticked that
this has happened to him as well as our daughter and I have felt sadness and despair
that I can't even put into words in the last year and a half. But I cannot let him down nor
my daughter by giving in to this. They need me. It is not easy to put a smile on and try
to keep things normal everyday. I often do not feel happy or normal but if the mom goes
down, the rest of the family goes with her and I can't let that happen. I also owe it to my
husband. I did not think it possible to be as brave and strong as he has been and who am
I to bring him down. He has always been the glass half full side of this marriage whereas
I am more from the "WTF!!!!!, I don't even remember getting a glass" genre. I have had to
amend that attitude for all our sakes. The reason why I am strong is very simply because you find
that you just cannot function if you are not. There have been many times I have cried myself
a river but it gets harder and harder to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
Not that a good cry once in a while does not help but if it happens too much, you get too
far down in the dumps and it's so hard to accomplish anything and heaven knows I have a
heckuva lot that needs doing. I simply cannot function if I let that happen too often. So I
go from day to day just doing what I have to do. Being a caregiver is all about "giving more
when you feel like giving up"(stolen from a Martina McBride song.) I try to do my best.
The house is cluttered and we get take out a lot but I get the important things done and I
spend time with my guy and my kid. Doing for myself is still a real struggle but I'm working
on it. I don't understand why this has happened to us and probably am not meant to but
we are making the best of things. Tim feels and looks great. We are trying to live as "normally"
as we possibly can. I try to count my blessings and be glad that things are not worse. One never
has to look far to find folks in much worse jams, not that you want to see that but it makes you
put things in perspective. I'm looking forward to the holiday season. It's hard not to with a kid
and I'm sure she is the number one reason Tim and I have both stood up to this and carried on.
To steal another line from the same song(In My Daughter's Eyes). "She was sent to rescue me"
Having my daughter turned my life around and I think she did rescue me and I think she is
rescueing Tim too. What a blessing.