The cancer club

The other night, there was a relay for life cancer walk near us. We had a softball game and could not participate but Olivia saw a bunch of kids wearing team t-shirts in school that day and wanted to go. I took her over there for a short time before the game so she could be a part of
it. We went back again after the game and stayed till late that night. There are several kids in our school system who are battling cancer. I'm actually aware of more kids than parents who have it. These things are tough. Olivia ran around and played with some school
chums but seeing kids with cancer rips me up and getting those little shockwaves of reality
that run through me everytime I stop to think, "shit, my husband actually has cancer" isn't
much fun either. I saw a woman who lost her husband over a year ago and all these reminders
of what it really is to be in the "cancer club" just stink. I saw one of Olivia's classmates who
is in remission from Hodgkins getting lots of attention that night. I'm sure it was fun for her
but I'm also sure she would opt out of this club in a heartbeat as most of us would.
There's no doubt that you are touched by the things some folks do and you get a whole new
perspective on life when you become a family touched by cancer or serious illness. You certainly learn a lot too but I'd trade it all in to be able to be "normal" again. Our life has felt very close to normal since Tim has been off treatment. With the exception of those "hold your breath again" labs and dr. appointments, we try to put it out of our minds but sometimes when we are
in a group of people, I think to myself, all these people are living a normal life and ours as we
knew it is over. I find that I have to play constant mind games with myself. I have to keep pushing thoughts out of my mind if I want to be able to at least ACT and function normally.
Nothing is ever truly sweet anymore, it's bittersweet. Everything in life takes on completely
new meanings and it's not the same. I think the three of us have learned to adapt pretty well. It's the only
thing you can do. Well not really, you can fall apart but that seems like it would suck even more
than this. I've said it before, I don't know how Tim does it. I do know that because he can hold
it together is the main reason why Olivia and I can deal with this as well as we have. His attitude
is really incredible. There has been nothing that has happened in the last 2+ years that has amazed me more than his mental strength in all of this. He really deserves all the credit for
showing all of us around him what TRUE strength really is.