A caregiver's view

The MM listserv is having a discussion right now on caregivers. One person wrote in and said
something I always think about when I meet others with MM who don't have a caregiver
per se or live alone etc. I don't know how they do it and more than that, I wish they didn't have to go through this without someone who "has their back" without question. I have always been the type of person that jumps in and helps others but what I have done in the last 2 and a half years is so much more than that and SO much harder. Some of the hardest things to deal with is seeing someone you love more than air have to go through this, having to function at your highest level ever when your heart is busted in a million pieces, trying to care for and preserve the childhood of a kid while you're taking care of your hubby, and, at times, the disappointments
that you feel with some people at a time when you can tolerate that the least. There are days that I have felt like "wonder woman" and others that I feel I'm standing on the edge of my sanity. Last summer at this time, I felt very close to "losing it". I had a lot of aggravation to deal with at our rental house
and the pressures of having too much on my plate got to me big time. My posts at this time sure reflect my desperation. I was glad to say goodbye to 2008. There's also the problem that stress magnifies the good and bad in your relationship and though Tim and I have a strong marriage, there were times that the "not so great" aspects were much harder for me to deal with. I felt even more hurt than usual that he could treat me badly after all we've been through and the guilt I feel if I argue with him now is overwhelming. We may be living this crazy nightmare but ya know, he still ticks me off sometimes and vice versa, I'm sure. I did finally put my foot down and flat out told him that it could not go on. With all the crap I was dealing with from tenants, my home needed to be a place I could be without takig more of the same. It's also hard that Tim has always been the tough
guy I could lean on and at the worst time of my life, I feel I can't. He is dealing with so much and
beautifully I might add and I don't want to burden him with anymore. I can't cry on his shoulder
when he is faced with a harder situation than I by far. My poor mom and sister have felt the brunt of that. I need someone to talk to. All in all though, I think all three of us have done a bang up job of holding up. I think that we are selfless enough to be strong for the other two and I realize that even our daughter is doing this. I have been a little too selfless with my caregiving as I have seriously neglected myself and all attemps to correct that have pretty much
failed but my kid and my husband are doing well and I am happy about that so I guess in a way,
I am doing that for myself. When I see all the divorce around and really cruddy relationships, I
realize that Tim and I are luckier in that department than most. We've been together for 24 years and we still enjoy each other's company, respect each other and are truly friends. I told him when he was first diagnosed that he will NEVER go through anything alone and he hasn't.
The day we checked in for his transplant,(we stayed in a condo 2 blocks from the hospital where I cared for him whenever he was not at the cancer center) I told him,
"Tim, I just want you to know that there is NOTHING I would not do for you." He said, "good
can you take this chemo that they plan to give me then?" I said, "Tim, I just want you to know that there is ALMOST NOTHING I would not do for you." We haven't lost our sense of humor
either. There's just no way of knowing how you would deal with a situation like this until you
are in it. I'm pretty proud of all three of us but Tim the most. I think his mental strength and
ability to go on with his life in an amazingly normal fashion is what makes it possible for me to
hang tough for him. He blows my mind and I think both of us have new respect for each other seeing what we could do when put to the test. And I think that anyone who is waging their MM
battle without a partner like that is truly incredible. They are the true supermen and women.