Of good news and miracles

Yesterday was Tim's doctor appt. We only went 2 months this time because his immunofixation test last time found a little band. I had gotten conflicting reports about what this meant but personally thought that this test only came out positive if it detected monoclonal cells. Turns out
I was right. I am always nervous about these appts. and I know Tim was apprehensive too though you'd never know by his blood pressure. 115 over 75 in a freekin' oncologist's office.
If they took mine, they'd have me on an beta-blocker drip in minutes. I expected to see an m-spike reading and was trying to console myself by recalling what a blessing it really is that he went into remission at all and has been off all treatment for over 15 months. Despite an almost empty waiting room(Friday seems to be the day to shoot for), it still took some time to be seen
and then we did not see his doc, though he checked on him later during his Zometa treatment to ask how he's feeling etc. The girl hands me his lab reports while we wait in the examining room
and I see that both the urine and serum immunofixation tests are completely negative. I smiled broadly as I know Tim watches my face everytime I read these and we were so relieved. Tom, the nurse practitioner, said that he is still in remission. A little "noise" was detected last time but it's under the radar again. His
white cells are just a hair under normal and have been holding there and this is unlike he has
been since diagnosis but a real good sign. His hemoglobin will always be low, I'm sure. Your bone marrow gets brained from transplants as well as Revlimid. It hangs out in the high 12's or low 13's. We do not have to go back for 3 months again now. This in itself is a blessing. The people in this office are wonderful and we like them so much but these appts. are hard, hard and it's great to be able to put this out of your mind(just a little) for more than 3 weeks at a clip. I'm glad now that we did not tell everyone about what happened last time. I really did not know that he could go back to 0 m-spike after that but Tim wanted to keep it quiet till we had more concrete answers. You realize when dealing with cancer that everything is so relative. I mean, we are living a nightmare. There's no doubt about that. When I really think of what is going on in our life, the tears spring immediately but you have to put it all into perspective to save your own sanity. There are people who never get treatment breaks after diagnosis. There are people with worse cancers than MM. There are kids who have cancer. You never have to look hard to find a situation that makes you realize that blessings are still happening in your life. I don't know if I have written about this before but our best friends' cousin died very quickly of pancreatic cancer a few months ago. She was in her lower 40's and had 4 kids aged 3 to 8. By the time they found it, there was nothing they could do. She was gone in just weeks. I know this is a downer to read
but it just drives it all home how crazy random life seems to be. It makes no sense but it is what it is. Tim says this whenever we go to his doctor's office. "It is what it is" seems so flip but it's true.
If you think you can control your life, you can't. We just have to try our best to cope with whatever comes along. I find it is a constant mind game that I have to play with myself. When the thoughts get too sad, I have to force myself to try looking for the positives. I have to try to live in the present as much as possible. Sure, I worry about the future but I try to stop myself when I do it too much. Worrying now does nothing to help and things are good now. We have to try to enjoy the fact that Tim is living as good a life as he can under the circumstances. He is functioning at a high level and we are able to do things. Living in the past or the future is a big
ol' waste of today. So, here's to today, my friends! :o)