I've heard for years that the holidays are a very depressing time for many people. I totally get that now. While I have always LOVED Christmas, I see now that if your life is not what you want it to be, the holidays seem to magnify that. It's been tough trying to get in the mood each year since Tim's diagnosis when you wonder if your family will be intact next year. You're supposed to be happy and merry and all that jazz. If you're not, you feel like you're not measuring up. Last year was quite fun when I got Tim his new truck but there is always that backround noise that reminds you that nothing is ever REALLY GREAT anymore. There is a BIG problem that looms over everything. These last few weeks have seen me in a funk and Tim is warning me to de-funk. I don't know how he does it. The
man has cancer and you'd never know by his attitude. He has old high school friends who are drinking themselves to death and other guys we know dealing with depression due to job troubles or whatever and Tim just does his thing and never complains. I feel a real depression
in myself lately though. It is hard to live this double life. I put the game face on for him and Olivia but the reality is, I am obviously not happy. I feel that there are such difficult times ahead
and it's hard not to feel doomed. I am not at all happy about the lack of support and concern some people in our immediate circle have shown these last few years. It's hard not to be bitter.
I am starting to dread being around these people this season. Add to that that my Mom seems to be slipping very badly memory wise. It's a scary thing to watch. She has not been diagnosed with anything but they do have her on Aricept(sp?) which they use for Alzheimers.
We just had a family friend die yesterday and I have another funeral to attend where some of these toxic people will be. It's not helping matters that both of our tenants are moving and I am running back and forth showing apartments and stressing about all that. I'm trying to get out of this funk but it's hard. I had a spell myself the other night and almost fainted in front of Olivia
and scared the heck out of her. Tim was at Home Depot and she called him to come home but it
broke my heart to think of the crappy deal this poor kid got. I've been spending a lot of time doing church things. It relaxes me and I've met such nice people and I think it's helping to counter balance the anger I have at others who have really let us down. Well, I think I gotta go watch something funny. Olivia has a terrible sore throat so it seems things may get even worse this week and I had better BUCK UP. I have no idea what the doctors will do if she has strep since she is now allergic to 3 large classes of antibiotics. I think I should go get a darn nursing degree. I need it just for my home life. As Charlie Brown would say, "RATS!"
5 comments:
I'm not Santa, I'm Sandy. But I do have an idea for something that might help the low and moody feelings you are experiencing:
http://www.boironusa.com/products/single/sepia.php
SEPIA comes from the ink of the octopus and provides a unique homeopathic relief to moods that tend to be low as I have experienced and several of my friends take it daily to counteract depression. It should not interfere with any other medications, but you might want to discuss with with a professional before taking it.
One friend has been taking it for years on a daily regime because she is clinically depressed and cannot tolerate some of the other medications on the market. Anyhow, hope this brings you some hope and perhaps some relief!
Oh boy... I have a sense I may have contributed to some of that funk.. but let me say Denise you have provided an sense of being able to ground myself as I navigatge my own family ship through rough waters.. I hope you find that Christmas spirit and lift your spirtis KNOWING that your words have helped so many during their own very difficult time. Giving of your self .. is a very selfless gift indeed.. be well you, Tim and Olivia are in my thoughts and prayers (and yes I am praying like its my job)
I have a suggestion... Go do something nice for somebody you know. It has to be something not planned, not a "Big" thing. It can be a simple as taking them flowers, or out for coffee etc. The act of doing it is what will help. I don't know why it helps me when I get in that funk... But it does. I really enjoy your blog and I'm impressed with your husbands ability to be positive through all this. Have a Merry Christmas... You're in my prayers.
For goodness sake get a grip! Apparently that's the worst thing in the world you can say to someone feeling like you do, so I won't say it! ;D
You're right P. Time, again, to put on the "big girl pants". I'm getting there. :o)
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