It's been a tough week over here. Tim and I had a bad arguement on Sunday. Work has been stressful for him. Peri-menopause is kicking my butt. We've lived under construction for 17 years and it got old for me a LONG time ago. My dad had surgery Wed. Tim's aunt, a lovely woman, just died yesterday after fighting ovarian cancer for over 5 years. His uncle will be lost without her and they live
in Key Largo, so there has not been all that much we could do or can do now. Last night, I went out and
caught a few outdoor concerts to relax. Took my kid and my puppy and Tim met up with us after he'd had
something to eat. Then I got home and Tim hit the answering machine button and we heard a message from
a friend in Vermont telling us that her husband had died. Ya know, this week just has to end already. Tim has
to go in for a blood draw today and will have a follow-up appt. the last week of July. He admitted to me this morning that all this bad news swirling around us has him feeling like the shoe is gonna drop for him. Today, I feel guilty that I did not e-mail Tim's aunt more than I did. I did get to talk on the phone with her though just a few months ago. We have not been to visit our friends in VT in a few years. They are quite a ride from Tim's parents' house and Liv gets carsick so easily and we just have not hauled out there in awhile. Today, I have an appt. and won't be able to go with Tim to get his blood draw. I am still so angry at him for things he said on Sunday. It's so hard to be angry at someone who has cancer, but the truth is, this is still a marriage, and it's not a perfect one, and we still pi** each other off. I just called to try to move my appt. earlier or later so I could go with Tim. There I go putting everyone but myself first again but guilt is beating me senseless today. Guilt is such a vicious emotion. I suppose it can be constructive if it makes you do things better in the future, not make the same mistakes again, but it really can beat you to a pulp and make you feel bad about yourself.
It's taking the oomph right outta me today and I have too much to do to sit around here and mope. So guilt is today's 4-letter word. Learn from it maybe, then toss it out the window and move the heck on.
RIP: Carol and Herman
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5 comments:
Thinking of you x I know it can't be easy. I always feel guilty when I lash out at my wife Charito. I always feel so guilty afterwards, knowing how hard it must be to be with someone who has Myeloma. Try and keep your spirits up.
Boy, do I know how you feel!! And, how happy I am that you put it all in writing.
For the past few days, I have been in such a bad mood, and this a.m. woke up (guilty) and declaring that I'll do better. (I'm way past menopause...but those bad moods can still occur!!)
Praying that Tim's lab results will be okay. Please give an update.
Hugs.....
We've never been a couple who bickered - that's not to say we've not had the occasional BIG bust up - but I think I can safely say that myeloma saved me from a right royal rollocking over the bump with the car! :D
sending you, tim and your family your positive thoughts for inner peace and a release from guilt. you've had SO much to deal with in such a short bit of time. good for you for having the courage to put it all down and share with so many of us who totally get it. hoping all will be well with tim's labs - it's always so hard having to go back into the myeloma testing mode when one has been free of that for a while. warm hugs.
Ah, girlie... it's hard no matter how you slice it and some days it just pops up and whaps you hard aside of the head... first off, the peri-men-o-pause thing. You might find the black cohosh and yam (natural hormonal cream found in various natural food stores) a little soothing for those flashes. I never used the doctor-prescribed hormones because they turned me into Mrs. Jekyll or Mrs. Hyde - can't recall now which it was. And cut down on real sugar which makes the flashes worse... try using Stevia instead for sweetening.
Next: you did the right thing to take in a concert, to do something for you. It's OK to take time out and the next best thing is to take a time out with your Tim... just the two of you. All the construction, all the external issues are really not the problem; it's your worry about him and the best thing you can do about that is make sure you have regular quality time, just the two... I'm intending that his labs are fine and knowing you are, as well.... hugs after a poopy week.
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