Taking stock at 46

Tomorrow is my b-day. I've been taking stock this morning of just where I'm at these days. I've been trying to pick myself out of somewhat of a slump these past months. As a caregiver, and really....I've been one my entire life in one way or another, I've come to realize I absolutely stink at taking care of myself. I'm not getting away with that
unscathed, unfortunately. I'm at the age when hormones are going willy-nilly. I'm gaining weight and feeling sluggish. I keep saying I'm going to put myself somewhere on the priority list, but somehow, I just never do. I know that I need to exercise everyday. I know that I should be doing relaxation stuff(meditation, yoga) to try to get my blood pressure down and relax more. I have started to take some small steps towards getting myself in a better place, both healthwise and emotionally. I'm taking meds now for what seems to have been a longtime undiagnosed case of a "cough variant" asthma. It's working....a little. I'm going to try AGAIN to make myself start an exercise plan. I may even go check out the gym up the street. Maybe if I spend money, I'll make the effort.
I actually started seeing a therapist. She's from the UK originally(so she can't be all bad RIGHT?!!!) I like
her but to be honest, I've always vented plenty, and I'm not sure there is too much she can say to make a difference. The problems in my life are not going away. I know what I SHOULD and should not be doing. She did tell me that I have to try very hard not to live in the future and worry about what MAY happen. She said, take care of practical matters of course, financial planning and whatnot, but then
try  "not to go there" when I find myself worrying or playing out scenes in my head. She said it does nothing but ruin the quaility of your life now. This is not something I didn't know, but I guess having someone else say it makes it
sink in a bit more. She has given me some tips and said a few things that really made me stop and think  about stuff going on in my life, so I guess there is something to be gained here. I'm trying to "dance in the rain" as the saying goes. Count blessings and all that jazz. Plan vacations and remind myself to be present in the moment.
I'm tackling some projects to get our house done too. After 17 years, I've realized that Tim really has no intention of finishing it, so I have to stop waiting for him. I built new back stairs.(Real women do carpentry in flip flops!) The guy at the lumberyard screwed up when he ordered the railings but the new parts should be in this week so it should be done soon. I'm proud of myself and was THRILLED to carry the horrible, "temporary" set out to the curb for trash pick-up.. I'm going forward with ordering all new interior doors and I'm going to write my own punch list and try to keep plugging along towards my goal. I'd be really ticked if we did all this and never got to enjoy it being all done. The next owners would reap the benefits of all our blood, sweat, blown-out backs and marital discord and that isn't fair. The summer is going WAY too fast, as is the norm. We may get a 2 week vacation this month, which would be cool, as long as the hot weather in New England is gone by then. Hot flashes and no A/C? I'll be sleeping in a bathtub of cool water every night. We'll go to VT and I just planned a side trip to NH again. Staying in Meredith by lake Winnepesaukee. Can't wait!!! I LOVE NEW ENGLAND!!! Can't get enough. 14 years ago today, our little girl was created. I wanted to tell her this this morning in a way that, um, spared her the visual, shall we say, so I told her God created her 14 years ago today. Seems like eons ago now. Time flies by too darn fast. So, in conclusion, trying to make this coming year at least a little bit about me. I seem to have lost myself in the shuffle of taking care of everybody else. Might even get myself a massage and facial tomorrow. What the heck, I'm worth it. ;o)