Dr. appt. nerves

Tomorrow, we go for Tim's check-up. I don't know if it's just my nature or what but I always
expect to be seeing the other shoe drop when we go to these things. I start thinking how tired Tim has been
and wonder if the MM is back. Last week there were just a few bubbles in the toilet after he had
gone and flushed and I asked him if he has noticed his urine being foamy. He said he doesn't pay attention and doesn't care. I never get used to these appts. even when we were going
every month. I bring a book to read in the waiting room but I am so antsy
that I can't concentrate on it anyway so I don't know why I bother. I usually wind up seeing someone I know and talk away the time which always helps the old nerves. Last night as I waited in my car for Olivia to get out of cheerleading practice, I had one of those "ton of bricks" moments as I
was listening to one of our favorite Springsteen songs on the radio. It just hits me out of the blue that "oh yeah, my husband has cancer and he could die." My husband must have these moments too but he never shares them with me really. The other day, he said something that
was so sad though. It was the day we celebrated 25 years together. He surprised me by bringing home a little package from the jewelry store. It was a pretty ring with a little diamond and he confessed to being totally stuck for ideas for gifts but I was touched. We were not doing anything to celebrate this day 'cept just remembering it but I guess the last few birthday IOU's
I've gotten made him think a gift from him was in order. It made me pretty emotional but I sucked it up and then when I said something about "can you believe we've been together a quarter century?" he kind of muttered something about him "being outta here now though." I said that
he WAS NOT outta here but it broke my heart to realize that he is thinking about the fact that he may not be making certain anniversaries and I WANT HIM TO SO BADLY!!!!! This is so hard to live like this. We are not alone in this but it still feels like such a lonely journey. A guy who was my neighbor growing up is in end-stage liver failure right now from a genetic liver disease he was dx'ed with 20 years ago. He is just a few years younger than me and they have
4 kids. His older sister stepped right up and got herself tested to donate a part of her liver to save him and I just heard that she got to the last series of tests and found out she was not
a match. Ugh, it's so sad. They kept his disease secret all these years but now I know why his
wife broke down on me when she heard about Tim's MM. This really sucks. I can't stand seeing and hearing about all this misery sometimes. It's too much. As the holidays approach, I find myself again wanting to go on vacation somewhere and bow out of the normal grind. It's so painful sometimes to be going through the same old motions when nothing is the same for us anymore. Tim and I don't even want to lay eyes on his sister-in-law after what she did last Christmas and wonder how to accomplish that without depriving Olivia of celebrating the holiday or reliving the whole mess ourselves. I gotta get better at this "one-day-at-a-time"
thing. My life just seems too overwhelming to me when I think of all I have to do and be on top of. Well, I'm off for a little walk with my favorite pre-teen and puppy. Gotta unwind a little bit.