Buddies, even when the goin' gets tough

So, one more post about friends and finding out who they are. I went to an MM support group meeting

last week. We had a woman join us who was recently dx'ed with MM. She is already seeing some

of the disappointing things some of us see in friends and family when something like this hits. My recommendation,

quite frankly, don't bother too much with folks who don't have the ba*** to hang in there with you. This is not to say don't give folks a chance to digest it and get over that uncomfortable feeling, it's to say that sometimes folks just don't like difficult situations clogging up their lives

and you can't get bogged down in trying to save relationships with them. Another member of our group, I guess feeling a little more generous than me, spoke up and said that "your friends will come around in time." (In-laws may be a different story) Sometimes, this is true. When first diagnosed with a major medical issue,

people do become uncomfortable around you. The reasons for this, I think, are: Not knowing what to say and being afraid to say the wrong thing or having you burst into tears on them if they bring "IT" up. The realization that this could have just as easily happened to them or their spouse etc and not wanting to deal with that fear. Being the type of person who just cannot deal with bad news, or things that aren't "pretty and tied up with a bow." But there are people who just are not going to come around even after the newness of your dx is over. They either cannot deal with the changes that are happening to you or they need to take the easy way out and not expect anything of themselves, like being a

true-blue friend. One thing I have noticed too is that if you have been a giver and someone else, the taker in a relationship, that taker will realize that you are not going to be as useful to them with this problem taking up all your time and energy. They certainly don't want to be the giver so they fade out of your life. We all can be overly sensitive sometimes when we're hurting, and maybe take things the wrong way. We do have to be understanding at times that

it's a helpless feeling not knowing what to say or do. BUT, in life, you, unfortunately, will learn that some folks just are not on your team. They are not going to get themselves bogged down in your problems or grief because they don't want it to affect their lives. They are not going to be that person who calls and invites you to lunch, drops off a meal, remembers to ask how a doctor appointment went. And that's OK. To each, his own. All I'm saying is that you may not want to put all that much effort into those relationships. The little time and energy you have leftover after dealing with your own or your loved one's illness is better spent amongst folks who are on your side and make you feel happy. Too many times, some friends and family members are not on that team. Tim and I have dealt with this and it is a real disappointment, made even harder by the fact that you are finding out these sobering truths at the worst time in your life, but it makes us

all that more grateful for the folks who have stayed in this with us. Tim's best buddy Mike, who he has known since they were 5, not only calls Tim and checks up on him, but he calls ME during the day at home and says, "How ya doing sweetie? Have you done anything for yourself lately? Ya gotta get out there and get your toes done or something."

He would drop anything if we needed him. Now THAT is a friend and the reason he is Olivia's

Godfather. If you have a friend like that, you don't need much else. 'Cept maybe chemo.