I have been at a very big impasse in my brain. I wrote a little about a very hurtful and low-down
thing my sister-in-law did to us on Xmas. It would take too long to go into this all and explain everything but Tim and I have decided that she needs to be out of our life. We thought we had
gotten her far enough out to stay clear of her viciousness but X-mas showed us that was not
true. The problem is that this may also take Tim's brother, 2 nephews and niece out of our life(not that we see or hear from any of them anyway. 'cept at holidays)
This sis-in-law does not have the maturity or selflessness to say "I really screwed up this time, but I can't deprive my husband or kids of a relationship with their brother/uncle because of what I did." I don't know if Tim's brother would stand up to her, (doubtful) or whether her kids would either and continue coming to Olivia's birthday parties without her. Olivia said she does not care. You cannot hide everything from a smart almost 12-year-old. She told me, "Aunt ????? is mean." Mean s-i-l would see this as her punishment though and use her family to try to punish back. The nephews are adults now and niece almost 16. They really could make their own decisions but they would have to live with their mother's wrath. We certainly don't blame them for her behavoir and we don't even know if his brother ever found out about what she did as he was outside when she did it. To be honest, based on some comments I've heard, I think her kids even see her many faults and one was right there when she did this to us. I would not dream of going to their house if we do this, obviously, and as far as events at other family members' houses, we would just stay clear of her. We have nothing to say to her and certainly no interest in the drivel that comes from her mouth.. I sat in church yesterday and wondered if there was any way I could find forgiveness for this awful thing she did. The problem is that this is not an isolated event by far. This woman has
brought nothing but negativity, greed, and back-stabbing to this family since she arrived on the scene and I don't see her changing. Tim's family tolerates her and bites their tongues(most of the time) because they feel they have to. I finally called her out for it several years ago and she is livid that someone finally did. She is far too accustomed to everyone around her just dealing with it silently. I just can't see how I could invite this woman into our home again after hearing the utter contempt that spilled from her mouth Christmas day. Though I ended our "friendship" several years ago, I have been civil to her at family gatherings for the sake of keeping peace. I really do not care what she thinks of me but what she did affected my husband and kid on a special day for our family and I can't let something like that happen again.
It's quite bad enough it happened already. I have warned Tim that this is not something that is
reversible once you do this and that he may lose his brother. Tim is usually a VERY laid back guy who does not let things get to him but even he realizes that she has gone too far. She has
done things to his grandparents, parents and basically screwed everyone in his family and her own always by words and actions but financially too. Tim feels that if his brother is OK with what his
idiot wife said to us, then that's his problem. I already know that somehow I will be the one
to be blamed for breaking this family up. Not sure I care. I do call a spade a spade and if Tim's parents
have decided to put up with her behavior, that is their choice. Our choice is not to. I know all too well that if you let people treat you badly, they continue to do just that. I also believe strongly in
holding people responsible for what they say and do. Her behavior is the problem here, not our unwillingness to put up with it anymore. This woman has caused such grief for this family and I just think that our little branch of this family is full up with as much grief as we can handle since
Tim's dx and I don't want anymore walking through our front door. Even if I could forgive and
everyone knows that her behavior is based in jealousy, immaturity, and low self-esteem, I'm not sure that forgiveness is the problem here. It's a question of whether we want to continue letting someone bring this garbage into our life. I don't know if this counts as forgiveness so much but I do feel sorry for her sometimes. She is so pathetic and even at 46, is so immature and has made such a fool of herself for so long. If she had any idea what so many people really think about her, she would be beside herself. I've never in my life met anyone who has shown so many people all her faults so effectively with her own mouth and she still doesn't get it. After re-reading this post, it sounds like I've already made my decision but I'm open to suggestions. What would you do?
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2 comments:
I have had to something like this, meaning my own family is much smaller now. But, I am better off not having to deal with them. I have enough problems in my life with the myeloma. I don't need the trouble these people take with them everywhere they go. There seems to have come a point at which you've done all you can to tolerate the situation, and you can do no more. Your family will be better off without the toxic influences. Just my two cents!
I'm the wife of an MM patient, too. I also had a huge problem with my sister-in-law. It came to a head when we were in our 40's. Those were a mentally consuming and awful ten years. Time passed. That sister-in-law turns out to have serious mental problems, and probably had become an alcoholic to "self-medicate," since she had deep dark pain of her own. I think she was mean to other people as a subconscious way to diffuse her own pain.
Good luck with your own sister-in-law, and your husband! My blog about my husband is at www.annfromm.com - Ann
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