The hard questions

Ever since Tim's diagnosis 2 years ago, I have dreaded the day our daughter asks me if he is going to die. 4 nights ago, it happened in a roundabout way. I have noticed in the last few weeks
that she has been a little clingy with me. It is not that noticable because we are a very close and
demonstrative family and she and I have always been practically "joined at the hip." She had asked me several times though if she could sleep with me or if I can lay down with her at bedtime. Then, Wednesday night, it happened. She came into my room just a few minutes after
I tucked her in and said she was upset because she had bad thoughts in her head that wouldn't
stop. I asked if she wanted to tell me the bad thoughts and she said that she was thinking about
me and daddy dying. My first lightning thought was "CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY
DENISE!" So she came over and lay down on my bed with me and I said, "Liv, noone knows when they are going to go to heaven. It's out of our control. Since there is nothing we can
do about it, you have to try not to think of things like dying. It just makes ya feel sad and ruins
today. Nana used to always tell me, 'Let go and let God.' That means when there is something bothering you that is too big to handle or out of your control, you have to turn it over to God and
let him worry about it." I told her that "daddy is doing really well now. He is in remission and things are going great. Try not to think of these things and replace them with happy thoughts."
I ended by telling her, as I always do, that she can talk to me about ANYTHING and when something is bothering her to let me know instead of letting it go on and on. I validated her feelings by telling her that her life is a bit harder than a lot of kids because of this situation but that there are a lot of kids that are in the same exact situation and she is not the only one. The next day I went to a support group meeting and met Robin Tuohy(from the IMF), whose husband was 36 when dx'ed 9 years ago and they have 2 young kids too. I told Olivia of them when I picked her up from school as well as the dad that I met there who also has a 10 year old girl. I just want her to
know she is not alone. She has done an unbelievable job of handling this and I told her that but
I thought to myself, every kid has those fears and nightmares as a child. I know I did. It must be
so hard when you have a real reason to have that fear as Olivia does. NOT fair. I know that if the day hasn't already come that she thinks to type in myeloma on google, that it will
happen some day. I don't bring it up because I don't want to put the idea in her head. I know the first time I did it and read things like a 2 year life expectancy when diagnosed in stage 3, I lost my mind. As I said in my last post, there is no getting away from the "C" word. In Olivia's case,
there are 2 girls being treated for cancer in her grade(5th). A guy I knew many years ago, died
of colon cancer last year and his daughter is in Olivia's class and the 2 of them have been working
on a project together in school. I have to wonder if this is what caused this to happen now. How could Olivia not look at this girl and wonder if this is going to happen to her too. I had several people tell me I should lie to her if she ever asked if he could die. I don't agree with that. I am always honest with her. She knows she can trust me. When we go to the doctor and she asks me
is something will hurt, I will tell her that it will for a quick second but not as much as getting her
ears pierced and she can remain calm knowing that I would never lie to her. I do know however
that Tim can be here with us a long time and to tell Olivia that he could die any day would ruin years of her life that don't have to be ruined. We are trying to salvage her childhood and we can't
let her live with constant fear either. So I decided the best way was to be honest without telling her something that would end her happiness forever. The truth is, I don't know when any of us
are passing on. If this horrible event that happened to Natasha Richardson and her family does not drive that point home, I don't know what does. Life and health are fragile. She starred in a movie called "Parent Trap" that we have on DVD and have watched many times. Olivia heard about it and said she never wants to try skying now. I said to her, "Liv, that was a freak accident. If we take you skying, you will wear a helmet. It's not that certain sports don't have
some danger involved but you have to weigh being cautious with allowing yourself to have a
life. You can't let fear keep you from living." This is a lesson I'm still learning. Fear has been the
true "F" word in my life. I've always said, having kids is all at once the greatest and the hardest
thing. They bring you so much joy but boatloads of worry and sometimes heartbreak and pain too. You just cannot protect them from everything bad in this crazy world no matter how
hard you try. I'm just trying to give her the "tools" to cope. I reminded her that we are not as
devastated over Sophie(our dog) now as we were when she first died. Not that you can compare
a human loss though she was such a part of our family. But I wanted her to know that you can heal from heartache. I promised her last July when we lost her that "it won't always hurt this bad." She needs to know she can trust what I say and unfortunately, life is all about picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and forging on.