How ya feelin? You look great!

There's a discussion going on the myeloma listserv right now about people's reactions to you
when you have cancer. Some people are so sick of hearing these cliche statements. The "you
look great" one can seem a little patronizing when you know you look not so hot. Tim and I spoke
about this awhile ago. Tim is such a laid back guy and it would take something pretty over the top to find his cranky side. He knows that people don't know what else to say. He never gets bothered by it. I really don't either. I do sometimes wish we had the chance to forget about it a bit when we're out though and I get concerned for Olivia when so many people come
up to us and ask how Tim's feeling but as Tim said once, these same people may think we'd
be bothered if they didn't ask. (we wouldn't) The one thing I found interesting though after his diagnosis is how many men are afraid for their own health and started quizzing Tim about what
symptoms he had and how they found out he had this. You can tell by the look on their face and the questions they ask that they are concerned for themselves and not Tim. One of Tim's old high school chums totally cornered him during a party we were having with a slew of questions
and that got me a little annoyed. He would not let him go till he got the answers he
wanted and this was at our annual Christmas open house and I know Tim would have liked to
have a little normalcy that night. Then there was the time a guy really stuck his foot in his mouth and said something about dying and headstones and it came out like he was saying Tim
was headed for that and I just winced. There've been plenty of times I've wanted to draw
something I've said back in but this was a time I wished I could've taken someone else's words back. In the very beginning, some people were so uncomfortable that they avoided making eye contact with us. This is pretty painful, I must admit. It's like you've just been totally booted out
of the "normal club." When Tim lost his hair, he would walk down with me to pick Olivia up from
school and I thought this was so great. Chemo baldness is like wearing that scarlet letter "C" on your chest especially when everyone knows you with a gorgeous head of hair. Sure it bothered him but his little girl was more important. There have been so many times when women have spoken to me or asked me something and I just know that the
wheels are turning and they're thinking this could just as easily be them. Many times, as I have said, they say "I can't even imagine" and leave that sentence hanging and I say in my mind, NOPE you sure can't. Unless you are going through this, you cannot know the pain, fear, anger,
sorrow, fatigue, overwhelming responsibilities. You also cannot know what it is to actually hope your husband lives long enough to see our child grow up when you signed on for the long haul. Gray hair, social security, saggy body parts. I want all that with him. Hell I'll even take erectile disfunction. Bring it. I've got the rocking chairs on the porch already and I want to be there with my "old man."
I sit in the waiting room of the oncology room with a bunch of 70 and 80 year olds and wish we
were old. I don't want my husband to have cancer in the prime of his life. Our 10 year old should
not be dealing with this DAMN-IT!!! But people also don't know the love, support and
caring we have found. We have made friends with some lovely people. I have met people on websites and blogs that I would love to meet in person and have such respect for even though I've never met them. I have felt stronger mentally than I have felt in years. Even after 20+ years, I can
honestly say I did not know the extent of how brave and courageous my husband is. He amazes me every minute of everyday. My daughter is an incredibly strong and warm little person and I know that
despite this awful thing that is happening to us, God's love is shining through us as well as people around us. I have had complete strangers want to do something, ANYTHING to help.
Everytime I find myself getting disgusted with people or life, some miraculous thing comes along
and restores my faith. I watched Michael J. Fox on Oprah today and his attitude is really something. He said that with every loss, there is also a gain. Ain't it the truth. We have learned so much, been moved so much emotionally. Our whole perspective of life has changed. We appreciate things others don't even take the time to notice. As a person who was always planning
for that someday, when the house is done, when Tim retires, etc. I have been forced to live for today. I am taking cues from our 10 year old daughter and realize she has as much to teach me
as I have to teach her. If not more. So my new motto is going to be to live like a child(as much as
possible anyway.) I think they can truly live in the moment as few adults can.